Change4life

Its been 37 days sinced I touched coke in any form. Im happy about it and yet in the back of my head I still find myself scheming on ways to sneak away and get some without anyone knowing. Im thinking about it all the time.

Every place I go is a trigger cause Ive smoked in every public bathroom, every park, every abandoned building, and every alley in my town and the surrounding towns.

I went for a bike ride the other day with one of my friends. The park they wanted to go to is a park I cut through on my way to cop and all I could think about was using rather than enjoying the day. It put me in a really bad mood and I couldnt tell him what was wrong.
My brain got really twisted and bent out of shape. It took me some time to realize, hey just ask him if we could go in a different direction.
We headed to a different park, but when we got there I ran into almost the same crap cause Ive smoked there on numerous occasions.

Almost everywhere I go or when im driving in a car and pass certain spots I have the same thoughts.

Im not sure how to avoid this problem and its making me a little crazy. I cant lock myself in the house.

I suppose I could wear a blindfold whenever I go out.

Dee74

or...get to a meeting Beth.
You know what's coming...

You got a lotta good things going on right now.
Don't lose 'em hon.

D

Astro

I need to avoid or ignore the people, places, and things that trigger my alcoholic thinking. On my way home I pass dozens of bars and stores, the refrigerator in our office is always full of beer. But I know where that first drink will take me, it's a hell I don't care to return to.

When I leave work I go straight to a meeting, from there I go out for coffee with others in recovery, and then I head home. It's worked for 2 1/2 years so far.

Anna

Beth, it will get easier. Stick with it and you'll be fine. Each time you get through a trigger like that, it makes you stronger.

GlassPrisoner

Yeah, I can't go anywhere without remembering that I drank somewhere. Heck, I was even sneaking shots at DUI school......

Remeber one of the promises. 'We will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it" . My obsession has been removed. Except for the occasional fleeting thought, the alcohol problemhas been removed.

Jules62

There came a point where I realised breathing was a trigger Beth.We see what we want to see sometimes-it's our alkie mind.

It takes some work to change our thinking.I'm still young in this process-but I do believe it gets better if not easier

Jules xox

GlassPrisoner

It took me 10 months of program to figure THAT one out....

sweet 16

Everyone who's clean/sober had 37 days once. I did, it was just like you describe. I got sober via freebase; it accelerated my alcoholic decline. Some things brought on STRONGER urges, but it got a little easier when my SPONSER pointed out that I would drink/use just about anytime, for any or no reason. It's what drunks and addicts do. Accept it. You used the phrase 'back of my head', cool, keep it there. The more recovery you shove in the front of your head, the further back the urges go. There's no substitute for meetings. The people there are just like you, some merely further along the path. Who do you think knows the way ?, those who have been there. One of the things that keeps them there are newcomers; you're being there helps. They've done all you have and worse. All of life is urges of some kind, fear, stress, on and on. They are rarely completely defeated, but all are eminently manageable. See the last word of the 1st step. Early on (37 days) thoughts and feelings are not your friends, ignore them. Obey your soul. To this day it sometimes helps me to say it out loud; ex. " I used to fire up at_____, but I don't do that now." After 16 yrs.,'urges' usually make me chuckle, but you've made me think of my early days, thanks.

Change4life

So far I have been able to keep all these destructive thoughts in the back of mind. Thank God I havent acted on any of the urges. I spent half of my summer in the house which kinda sucked, but it kept me off the drugs and that is all that matters.

Ive been sticking close to my friend and when she isnt around I fart around the house. Ive been playing my guitar like crazy. hours at a time and ive been able to start writing again. I feel like I have a miniture radio in my head the songs are just pouring out. I guess I have alot of time to make up for.

Im hanging in so far. BUt I still havent been bale to get myself to make meetings regularly. I wish there was a meeting after work so I could do what Astro does, but ive been home for hours before any meetings start around here. By then I am usually doing something else.

I feel much safer hanging at my friends house than I do going to a meeting alone. Its to east for me to sneak off and get high. In the past I would go to the meetings, and then get high when I left. They really have the opposite effect on me. Instead of making me not want to use they increase the urges. I know i will go eventually, but right now I dont trust myself. I cant take my bike anywhere alone, I always end up on my way to my cop spot.

This morning I was crying I wanted to get high so badly, but I though of how good thing are going (relatively speaking) and i was able to calm myself down. How incredibly stupid it would be for me to put myself back in the middle of all that crap. I got rid of ALL my user friends so I have no temptation. It is all up to me to make the right decisions, so I really have to pay attention to how im feeling and not get caught up with thinking about drugs too much. Thats why I dont like meetings. I want to talk about anything but drugs.

AS far as drinking I think I just have a death wish. I puke every morning and the past few days I threw up bood, but I dont think I want to stop. It doesnt screw with me like the drugs do. I know if I drink it lets my guard down and leaves me vulnerable to drugs, but I still cant stop myself.

I guess I am kinda confused as to what I want.

Astro

Beth, when all else fails there's only one place I feel totally safe, that's the room where my meetings are held. It's my home away from home. And there's never an excuse that keeps me from attending a meeting when I feel like using again.

I hope you find the strength to stop doing this to yourself, and I know you'll find lots of support and love from your friends here.

Alive

Sometimes there are little things that make us smile..white chrysanthemums. they were in church under a wax image..i was holding that image's hand..asking for an end to my despair..and i looked at those flowers, and i thought how God had even took care of plants, so he would take care of me...

Dee74

Um...you know throwing up blood's not good right, B ?

D

Alive

Dee is right, as always..

sweet 16

"By then I'm usually doing something else". There AIN'T nothing else. Think of the lengths you've gone to to get high. Now does finding a meeting (you're in Jersey, not Nepal) seem that daunting. If you want to find one you will. If you want to get healthy you can. Hell, I only WANTED to want it, but it still worked. Be honest with yourself, these are choices you make, not fate. The truth will set you free, but first it will **** you off.

SaTiT

Hi beth i hope you're feeling better.

you're a picker too ?
yeah sometimes the only thing that keeps sane is my six string

parentrecovers

hey beth, you really should see a doctor about the throwing up blood - that's a dangerous symptom. support and hugs, k

Change4life

OK I know I am guilty of being a non meeting maker, but Im stuborn and lazier than a 2 toed sloth. once i start with the guitar Im usually not going anywhere and that includes going to do drugs. Im supposed to go to group once a week and almost landed in jail cause Im non compliant and wont go there either. Im just not a group type of person. Always been the loner type. Im am going to have to have to figure out how to do this by myself. I know many of you dont agree, but I dont see myself ever making it to a meeting.

I need to focus more on my improvements instead of looking at all the things still wrong.

KARIM thank you so much for the flowers they are BEAUTIFUL.

Astro

I hope you find something that works for you, Beth. For me, a solid recovery program is the only way I've made it this far.

Change4life

Im probably not going about this the right way but.........

I know coke sucks and my life sucks when I do it.

Thats the thought I am holding onto.

Dee74

OK...futile gesture for today sweetie LOL
stubborn is good, but closed mind probably isn't, not when you're looking for things and ways to live sober Beth.