HKAngel24

Grrrr.... that internal critic has raised its voice again and its power.

I deserve good things.
I AM lovable - I do NOT need to be constantly worried that people will discover my flaws and write me off as "too much to handle."
I can gain peace by telling myself I am OKAY, just as I am. Today. That I am already whole.

Reminders. Reminders. Reminders.
Some days I am exhausted of them- others it is excruciating to believe them because of all the resistance and learned low self-worth.
I have my Al-Anon meeting tomorrow where I usually get a dose of empowerment- however small.

Why is it so easy for us to talk for hours, assuring others that they are good and worthy - but we cannot do it for ourselves that easily?

I try to tackle the whole idea that worrying and holding on and obsessing DOES NOT produce an outcome. I somehow believe that by doing so I am warding off "bad things."

I seem to asociate "letting go" as not protecting myself, making myself vulnerable.

Just feeling a littler low today and finding it EXTRA difficult to tell myself I AM good and worthy and I deserve good things.
I feel out of control and down on myself and needy, looking to others to fill that space. When they can't I feel resentful and crazy and interpret their lack of being able to make feel better an indication of their lack of love for me.

Attacking this distortion almost feels wrong- because that poisioned part of me wants to keep believing that this is the truth. I know it is not and am working on REALLY believing it.
Trying to breathe and take it moment by moment.

The rain can't last forever.

cinderellawkids

That to is what I struggle with. Sometimes its a matter of accepting who those around you are faults and all and then recognizing that, other times its not enough

BigSis

Some of the tools I brought out of my childhood I still use... on occassion.

When I am done with them... it will be easier to set them down.

I try to think of that when I find myself beating me up ... (((hugs)))

HKAngel24

Thanks for all your responses.
SO much of what I struggle with aside from the addiction piece is learned behaviors from childhood- that I needed to be a certain way to get love and that love will be taken away from me if I do not please or behave in that certain way. By nature ME is unlovable- I must alter myself to get my needs met.

Today abf said to me, "You are always worrying about me- when are you going to start worrying about yourself?!"

I was stunned. I WASN'T practicing recovery behaviors at all.
My disease of the mind will disguise itself in ANY way in order to keep thriving and prevent me from changing my ways. Many times it morphs into the "protective" voice that gives the impression that it is speaking in my best interest.

I cycled through an incredible onslaught of emotions after he told me with alot of anguish that he loved me and wanted a future with me, but my need for him to constantly reassure me that he isn't getting high- is still in recovery and loves me was wearing on him. Immediately I was devestated, hurt beyond belief, then I felt sorry for myself, felt defective and worthless - the voices had a field day!! Then after we spoke some more I kept finding myself saying, "I HAVE been doing better. I am trying SO hard." In reality I felt so weighed down by all the codie emotions that I was paralyzed- couldn't move. I would try for a few days, then relax and somehow stop "letting go" every day and every moment if I need to- and found myself regressing into the needy child again- desperate for attention, love and validation.

It's not brain surgery Heather. He's going to get tired of reassuring you that he continues to be clean, work a recovery AND love you. You MUST let go. And letting go does not mean focusing on him in ANY way. It creeps back in without me even knowing and then BAM I see where I am at - completely wrapped up in what HE is doing- pushing him to reassure ME that everything is going to be "okay."

How can I ask that of a recovering addict?!?!? I must be nuts.
Internal alarms still sound everytime something occurs that I remember previously occured when he was getting high- this i try to explain to him when he tells me that he is 150,000 miles away - how can he possibly do ANYTHING else but reassure me that it isn't the case when he is this far away?

I have to try to understand that being frustrated he has to constantly reassure me and tell me everything is going to be okay does NOT reflect his love for me- but merely reveals the fact that I don't feel loveable and am not seeing or loving myself actively.

I need to focus on practicing MY recovery tools and behaviors.

Alot of times I am faced with this dual problem - which do I deal with first- my codependency and recovery from that --- or my healing of my inner child and development of self-esteem?

And so it boils down to the fact that he cannot rescue me.
His sobriety cannot fix MY problems.
And as is the constant reoccuring theme in my life and a journey I begin and then freeze from fear- then begin again- and become frozen again- step back a few times- begin again... this path to loving myself.

Lobo

Heather,
Even though our relationships are different. Mine being mother/daughter. I used to always feel that if she reasurred me that everything was okay that it was and I just wanted to hear that from her. Something finally clicked and I no longer need that validation from her. Is it because with her was she lying to make me feel better. If she was then I was putting her in that place and that wasn't right. I had to stop putting both of us in that place. I could no longer rely on her to make me feel secure. I had to question if it was a false sense of security. If it was then I didn't want to go there. I had come to the realization that it is what it is and I can't make it be any other way to make myself feel better. Yes we MUST let go.
Thank you for shedding light on this for me. I need to be reminded of this now and then.

Hugs to you hon...........Lois

Live

I have been reading the stickies in the ACOA forum that talks about inner child work.
This approach works for me far better than affirmations etc...as it directly addresses those needs for reassurance and security. I am focusing this week on giving myself TLC....being very gentle and compassionate and aiming it all at me. I wouldn't talk to my child, any child or anyone else the way I talk meanly to myself. I am changing that. At the core level where it comes from.

ladyamalthea

Unfortunately, you are right... he cannot rescue you, anymore than you could rescue him. Are you going to Naranon or Alanon meetings? I wish I had something more effective to say here, but just know I understand where you're coming from and I'm praying for you and him.

*hugs*