How To Communicate with AH????
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Atlanta GA
Posts: 38
How To Communicate with AH????
I have been separated from my AH for almost 3 months. I have seen him twice (met for lunch in a restaurant both times). After the last meeting about a month ago when he told me bluntly he wishes I would move back into our home but has zero intention of quitting drinking I knew that any hope was really over and that I can't be "friends" with him like he wants. So the next time he called me I told him I need no contact for awhile. We both need to learn to live without each other in our lives. So next week he calls me 3 times in one day leaving messages like " no matter how much you don't want to talk to me we have things to deal with." Now he wants to get together with me to fill out the divorce papers tomorrow. I have no problem with that except he hasn't done anything he is supposed to do yet. Like refinancing the house in his name only. Like get a credit card with only his name on it. Like transferring half the 401k money into an account with my name on it. And even as I type this out I know what I have to say to him....but somehow he has a way of making it seem like I'm the one who has a problem and he acts all patient and condescending like I'm a child and eventually I'll come to my senses. He is one of those "functioning" a's meaning he's always had a job and that's the only place he is pretty much ever sober. At home he was usually drunk or sleeping on the couch. So this is just a way for him to try to get together with me isn't it? I think he's pulling the let's hurry and and get divorced and get on with our lives thing to try to manipulate me yet again. I was hoping we could fill out papers and get a quick cheap divorce. We have very little in the way of assets to split up and I am letting him have the house which is an albatross anyway. Anyone have any advice?
It is what it is
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: NJ
Posts: 280
Hire an attorney for yourself and let your lawyer contact him instead of you contacting him. I bet if he is manipulating you to see him instead of wanting to rush a divorce, this will stop him in his tracks. If he's suddenly dragging his feet after your lawyer contacts him, you'll know he was full of it. You need the lawyer to advise you as to what's best for you anyway. Good for you for staying strong.
Jenny
Jenny
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
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If my ex had waited on me to do those things, she would've been waiting a looooong time. Even though I was sober I was far from being sane or rational. Thankfully, she took care of most of the paperwork, I signed willingly on the dotted lines. An attorney can help you through most of this, or if you're amicable about splitting up your assets a mediator will charge a little less.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 62
I have to agree with hadenoughnow. Please hire a lawyer to protect your rights. Abf has been divorced about 3 years now and he was actively drinking at the time. His ex had her lawyer draw up the divorce which protected her and hung him out to dry, and he just signed without anyone representing him. It will cost him over triple what it would have cost had he done it right the first time to secure what is rightfully his now.
Once a divorce is signed, it is near impossible to modify it. It takes time and money not to mention a judge with a good head and compassion to agree to the changes.
He still tells lawyers that we are setting up consults with that it was because he was trying to be friends with his ex, Mr Nice Guy and refuses to admit to the fact that he was a drunk who was too wasted to do the right thing for himself.
He tells me that the issues affect me more than him (boy what healthy denial) and his dry drunk mind still gets in the way of fully advocating for his future. He is right that it has caused so many arguments and irreparable damage to what we have as a "relationship." Because of his mishandling, he gave a future with me to the ghosts of his past. No selfishness on my part, it's fact.
Don't fall for the manipulation of divorcing on good terms. It rarely happens and there are way to many times things can come back and bite you. Be safe and hire a lawyer so you are protected and you can have a future beyond him and this situation.
Wishing you a healthy outcome for YOU.
Jilly
Once a divorce is signed, it is near impossible to modify it. It takes time and money not to mention a judge with a good head and compassion to agree to the changes.
He still tells lawyers that we are setting up consults with that it was because he was trying to be friends with his ex, Mr Nice Guy and refuses to admit to the fact that he was a drunk who was too wasted to do the right thing for himself.
He tells me that the issues affect me more than him (boy what healthy denial) and his dry drunk mind still gets in the way of fully advocating for his future. He is right that it has caused so many arguments and irreparable damage to what we have as a "relationship." Because of his mishandling, he gave a future with me to the ghosts of his past. No selfishness on my part, it's fact.
Don't fall for the manipulation of divorcing on good terms. It rarely happens and there are way to many times things can come back and bite you. Be safe and hire a lawyer so you are protected and you can have a future beyond him and this situation.
Wishing you a healthy outcome for YOU.
Jilly
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Advice? I sure have some...
The house my not be an asset right now but if this drags on for a year or two (ask some folks here if that's possible) the market could change. You never know.
I would contact the credit card folks and insist the account be placed inactive and converted from a revolving account to a closed loan until the balance is paid and the account closed.
And I would get proactive and talk to a lawyer. No way would I leave financial details that could impact me in the hands of an active addict to work out.
The house my not be an asset right now but if this drags on for a year or two (ask some folks here if that's possible) the market could change. You never know.
I would contact the credit card folks and insist the account be placed inactive and converted from a revolving account to a closed loan until the balance is paid and the account closed.
And I would get proactive and talk to a lawyer. No way would I leave financial details that could impact me in the hands of an active addict to work out.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
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It appears you are married to my AH's clone. First and foremost, in dealing with an A, get an attorney. Do NOT be surprised if your AH starts messing around with what few things you DO have in common, such as credit cards. If his current manipulation techniques are not working, he has a "Plan B" to fall back on. I have a friend whose AH bought an SUV just before she left, then once the divorce was final, he defaulted on the loan. The collection agency couldn't find him, but they found her. She is paying on a vehicle she hasn't seen in FIVE years. He bought it while they were still married, although separated.
Even though your AH still "functions" in his job, that can change. Doesn't mean it will, but it can. My AH is drunk almost the entire time he is home, yet he can get up and go to work and somehow perform his job. Just be aware that NOTHING is guaranteed with an active A; unless you want to guarantee unpredictability. You never know what they'll pull out of their bag of tricks. Thus, an attorney is in your best interests to protect YOU.
I've said it before, and I'll say it again: BEHAVIORS. Does what he is telling you match up with his behaviors? Apparently, the only behavior matching up with what he is telling you is his drinking. He wants to have his cake and eat it too: you come home, accept his boozing, and life goes on - ON HIS TERMS.
Even though your AH still "functions" in his job, that can change. Doesn't mean it will, but it can. My AH is drunk almost the entire time he is home, yet he can get up and go to work and somehow perform his job. Just be aware that NOTHING is guaranteed with an active A; unless you want to guarantee unpredictability. You never know what they'll pull out of their bag of tricks. Thus, an attorney is in your best interests to protect YOU.
I've said it before, and I'll say it again: BEHAVIORS. Does what he is telling you match up with his behaviors? Apparently, the only behavior matching up with what he is telling you is his drinking. He wants to have his cake and eat it too: you come home, accept his boozing, and life goes on - ON HIS TERMS.
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Atlanta GA
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Funny you should say that about the SUV, just before I left him my Ah bought a brand new jeep without my knowledge and used $2000 from our joint account for the down payment. I thought that because it is in his name only I would never be responsible for it? Guess that's another question for an attorney. He is being forced to work massive amounts of overtime right now to cover all the bills, mortgage, and the new car payment by himself. Tonight I will tell him via phone that I am consulting an attorney for advice and that he'll be hearing from them. The hardest thing for me to do is stand up to anyone but the they say practice makes perfect!
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Join Date: Jul 2005
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Originally Posted by 2Growstrong 
Tonight I will tell him via phone that I am consulting an attorney for advice and that he'll be hearing from them.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 31
I tried to get my husband to agree to an On-Line divorce in the beginning because I was so angry. I was ready to walk out with nothing because i just wanted out. It of course became a chess match with him always wanting to "Discuss"the terms.Big mistake on his part because the longer it took the more informed I became reading and searching the internet.When he realized I no longer wanted to give it all away he OVERNIGHTED an on-line divorce package to hurry me into signing my house ,our retirement, alimony and custody of my daughter away. I got very courageous one day and hired an attorney and now let him have all the stress while I work on me.Never trust an active alchoholic. Remember all the manipulation skills he taught you and protect yourself !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Join Date: Aug 2007
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Thanks to all of you...you are right. I'll find an attorney tomorrow. I know if I don't this dance will go on for longer than I can stand it. I feel a sense of urgency about dealing with all this, I already WASTED so much of my life with him. Isn't it ironic how I never had any fun with a guy who wanted to "party" all the time?
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
I spoke to an attorney and knew my rights before addressing anything with AH.
I'm one of those Jazz refers to - I'm heading into my 2nd year on the divorce and the house has become the hot button for AH. The above stories reminded me, before formally separating AH tried to talk me into taking out 2nd on this house so he could buy another one down the street! It's insane - very important to keep that in mind. I have to always remind myself that I am not dealing with a person who thinks rationally and I cannot allow myself to go into the land of hope thinking he'll be reasonable. The disease does not allow it.
((()))
I'm one of those Jazz refers to - I'm heading into my 2nd year on the divorce and the house has become the hot button for AH. The above stories reminded me, before formally separating AH tried to talk me into taking out 2nd on this house so he could buy another one down the street! It's insane - very important to keep that in mind. I have to always remind myself that I am not dealing with a person who thinks rationally and I cannot allow myself to go into the land of hope thinking he'll be reasonable. The disease does not allow it.
((()))
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
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Originally Posted by 2Growstrong
Funny you should say that about the SUV, just before I left him my Ah bought a brand new jeep without my knowledge and used $2000 from our joint account for the down payment. I thought that because it is in his name only I would never be responsible for it? Guess that's another question for an attorney. He is being forced to work massive amounts of overtime right now to cover all the bills, mortgage, and the new car payment by himself. Tonight I will tell him via phone that I am consulting an attorney for advice and that he'll be hearing from them. The hardest thing for me to do is stand up to anyone but the they say practice makes perfect!
Before we split, I had a joint account with my AW. I had stopped contributing to it as she was p.i.ss.ing away money. I did not withdraw a cent from that account. She would have blamed me for sure as the cause of her money woes had I touched that account. The alcoholic has to see with their own eyes how they ALONE + alcohol are the reason for their own demise.
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Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 471
Amen, Steve. I just went through a divorce, and can't stress enough ~ get a lawyer. While we were working out the terms, my XAH was nasty and beligerent. (He also never bothered to get a lawyer, as he figured mine would take care of both of us. Duh. Still looking for me to clean up the messes.) With my lawyers help, we gave XAH everything he wanted (even though we knew he was making mistakes) but the lawyer made sure I was protected. Now XAH's choices are biting him in the butt, I'm able to be sympathetic while pointing out that his troubles are consequences of his choices, not mine. Hopefully, like Steve says, he will one day have to admit the hole he's in was dug by him, alone, with alcohol.
A lawyer will know just what to do. Don't assume his debt is his problem. In MA you are libel for eachother's debt until you've filed for a divorce. If your name is on a credit card, make sure it's taken off. Don't just give the house to him ~ make sure you cover yourself. Good luck.
A lawyer will know just what to do. Don't assume his debt is his problem. In MA you are libel for eachother's debt until you've filed for a divorce. If your name is on a credit card, make sure it's taken off. Don't just give the house to him ~ make sure you cover yourself. Good luck.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 209
I'm going to see a lawyer on Sept 4th to find out what my options are and I am scared to death. Why do I feel guilty for not letting him know that I'm doing this? He doesn't care about my feelings.
Everything I've done (opening a new checking account, taking my name off the insurance for his truck in case he wrecks it, etc) has all been so scary. My mind tells me I'm protecting me and my son, my heart says I'm betraying my AH.
He gets mad because I don't call him, but every time I do and I try to talk to him about anything (even if he's sober) he suddenly has to go. I am going in circles with these feelings of guilt. When he does call me I listen. Then I cry when I hang up the phone.
Still looking for an Al-Anon meeting. Thought I had found one but my counselor siad he wouldn't recommend that particular meeting. Now I get to start over trying to find one. I do have a support system through my family, they can see things I can't.
Everything I've done (opening a new checking account, taking my name off the insurance for his truck in case he wrecks it, etc) has all been so scary. My mind tells me I'm protecting me and my son, my heart says I'm betraying my AH.
He gets mad because I don't call him, but every time I do and I try to talk to him about anything (even if he's sober) he suddenly has to go. I am going in circles with these feelings of guilt. When he does call me I listen. Then I cry when I hang up the phone.
Still looking for an Al-Anon meeting. Thought I had found one but my counselor siad he wouldn't recommend that particular meeting. Now I get to start over trying to find one. I do have a support system through my family, they can see things I can't.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Try the meeting anyway. That seems very odd a counselor would say that.
I felt guilty because I like to think of myself who doesn't do harm to others. I've since come to understand two things: I do no harm to myself; and getting out of the way of the alcoholic's consequences was the most loving thing I could do.
Take care.
I felt guilty because I like to think of myself who doesn't do harm to others. I've since come to understand two things: I do no harm to myself; and getting out of the way of the alcoholic's consequences was the most loving thing I could do.
Take care.
Becoming a Butterfly
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 904
Caveat - get a lawyer that someone you know has used and recommends if at all possible. Divorce lawyers are notorious for dragging things out and forcing you to spend a great deal of money on them. The famous last words are, "You probably won't even use up your entire retainer!" $10,000 later you'll be panting for mercy.
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
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Originally Posted by suzieq1972
I'm going to see a lawyer on Sept 4th to find out what my options are and I am scared to death. Why do I feel guilty for not letting him know that I'm doing this? He doesn't care about my feelings.
Everything I've done (opening a new checking account, taking my name off the insurance for his truck in case he wrecks it, etc) has all been so scary. My mind tells me I'm protecting me and my son, my heart says I'm betraying my AH.
He gets mad because I don't call him, but every time I do and I try to talk to him about anything (even if he's sober) he suddenly has to go. I am going in circles with these feelings of guilt. When he does call me I listen. Then I cry when I hang up the phone.
Still looking for an Al-Anon meeting. Thought I had found one but my counselor siad he wouldn't recommend that particular meeting. Now I get to start over trying to find one. I do have a support system through my family, they can see things I can't.
Everything I've done (opening a new checking account, taking my name off the insurance for his truck in case he wrecks it, etc) has all been so scary. My mind tells me I'm protecting me and my son, my heart says I'm betraying my AH.
He gets mad because I don't call him, but every time I do and I try to talk to him about anything (even if he's sober) he suddenly has to go. I am going in circles with these feelings of guilt. When he does call me I listen. Then I cry when I hang up the phone.
Still looking for an Al-Anon meeting. Thought I had found one but my counselor siad he wouldn't recommend that particular meeting. Now I get to start over trying to find one. I do have a support system through my family, they can see things I can't.
No need to feel guilty. Alcohol is causing him to betray his family, meaningful friends, and life itself. Alcohol has made him illogical, unreasonable, angry, resentful, hostile, etc etc. I have a prenuptial with my aw so we are both protected equally from each others potential screw ups. Had I continued to throw money at her she'd simply p.i.s.s. it away and that in essence would hurt the future of our young child, our family, and actually hurt her, the alcoholic as it would only enable her and should she recover, not have that money for positive things in life. Protective legal and financial steps I have taken yes, actually contain loving protective thoughts about the aw's future also although she does not/ cannot perceive it that way.
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