Codie Question Coming - Need Input

Old 08-20-2007, 01:30 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
It is what it is
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: NJ
Posts: 280
Question Codie Question Coming - Need Input

I'll attempt to explain the situation first.

I work in a large office. I've worked here for 18 years and I've worked for many different people as it's a revolving door kind of office. I am working for a nieve, foreign guy at the moment, who is getting married for the first time at 28. He and his fiance are moving in together after they are married. I am not invited to the wedding as I didn't expect to be. We aren't friendly enough for that.

My abf asks me all the time to share my work life. There isn't much to share. I am a personal person and I have a few friends and aquaintences that I choose to associate with but I pretty much keep to myself. I don't care for gossips. I find that in most offices there is much gossip. Therefore there isn't much to share about this place. I don't even see some of my friends in a day or a week. We have different floors and buildings and time just gets away. We are supposed to be working not socializing although our office is not strict. I do however see the people I work for usually once a day unless they are out of the office working.

Abf is annoyed that I don't share more. My job is secretarial by nature so not a lot goes on. I could give him a run down about how many times I answered people's phones, or what I typed and mailed out and PDF'ed that day but it's not very exciting not to mention monotonious. Apparently that explanation is not satisfactory. I will say that he has never been to visit and doesn't have a clue what it looks like. He has not met any of my associates or bosses but has met three of my friends from here on different occassions.

Sorry this is not so brief. I have decided to throw a shower/party for the foreign guy that is getting married. Mostly because he is so nice and has shown me kindness. I have stopped throwing birthday parties because it is so costly when you work for 3 people. However, if it is a special occassion, I will go out of my way. The "party" will consist of breakfast (bagels, orange juice, muffins and crumb cake), the second part will be a cake and champagne to toast his upcoming nuptials. That's it. I want a decoration for his door that says congratulations and maybe a wedding bell.

Abf complained last week that I'm always so busy and he'd like to go to lunch sometime soon. I have been committed to my recovery and am attending meetings when I can often at lunch time. Sometimes I have other things to do. Since he mentioned it last week, I did tell him that it wouldn't be anytime soon because I'm busy and I am working on me. Today he asked me to go to lunch again and I said no and explained that I have a million things to do besides making up an hour, don't want to miss my meetings and I have to get things for the party I'm throwing my one boss. He said oh at first and then questioned whether I "had" to throw the party or if I'm doing it on my own. I said no I didn't have to but that I wanted to because he is a nice guy. Then he asked if it was the norm at my office for people to do that. I said, yeah I guess. Some people do and some don't. That was the end of the discussion. I said I had run some errands at lunch pertaining to the party and that I had to stop off after work to pick up some decorations but I'd be home within the hour.

A few minutes later I get a call from him sounding aggravated. He said he's unsettled about why I'm throwing this party for this guy when I don't even care about my work people and that I say it's just a place to work so why would I make such an effort when I hardly have time for myself. And that I can't even go to lunch with him because I am so busy but I have enough time to have a party for some guy I don't care about. OH BOY! At first I was thinking "you are kidding me right?" But then I realized that I"ve had this same argument with him before. I can't pinpoint the feeling I get besides I feel suffocated and controlled. Like he doesn't approve, as though I'm doing something wrong. I said I want to have the party because he's a nice guy and I want to do something nice for him. No other reason. He said "I have a problem with that." Oh well, too bad for you. I stayed calm (yay for me) and I listened. I told him that he is entitled to feel anyway he chooses but he will not control what I do. That he doesn't have any say in my choices and I'm having the party regardless of what he thinks. Not in a bratty way but just matter-of-factly.

My problem is twofold. What is the emotion I'm feeling when he does this to me and what exactly is he doing? I know it's alcoholic behavior but I need to have a definitive answer to move on from it. He confuses me sometimes and if I know and can pinpoint it for my own head, I have an easier time letting it go. As I've said I've been here before with him on other topics and there have been times I've backed down after a huge argument that lasted for days. I somehow admit that he's right and I shouldn't have done something to hurt his feelings when I didn't feel that way at all and it had nothing to do with him to begin with. Please give me opinions. I might need some harshness. I know to move on and I will but I need the answer to this mystery.

Jenny
sunshine321 is offline  
Old 08-20-2007, 02:00 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
He's trying to control you, your access to people and your life. Control freaks come in all sorts of flavors, with and without alcoholism.

You hurt his feelings because you were doing something nice for someone else? Tough! Good lord, it didn't affect him in anyway whatstoever. All he wants is to control you and make you feel guilt for something you shouldn't feel guilty about.

Why do you feel this way? Well, only you can figure that out. But if it were me, I'd be hearing the warning bells about someone wanting to control and isolate me.
Barbara52 is offline  
Old 08-20-2007, 02:28 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
cmc
Member
 
cmc's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
I see red flags waving all over the place with this man. Here you say how you feel....
I can't pinpoint the feeling I get besides I feel suffocated and controlled
He confuses me sometimes and if I know and can pinpoint it for my own head, I have an easier time letting it go.
Will knowing what to call it make it stop?
Letting go? What about some boundaries on your part?
Read the stickys...the link I gave you is one of them. This is how it starts for alot of people and gradually escalates. I recommend you re-read what you wrote and think of how you would reply if someone else wrote it....like your little sister or niece.
there have been times I've backed down after a huge argument that lasted for days. I somehow admit that he's right and I shouldn't have done something to hurt his feelings when I didn't feel that way at all and it had nothing to do with him to begin with.
Arguments that last for days... backing down just to make it all stop and have some peace...what about you?
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ening-you.html
cmc is offline  
Old 08-20-2007, 03:09 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Becoming a Butterfly
 
WantsOut's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 904
Call me contrary but I'd be pretty peeved if my significant other refused to have lunch with me during the week on the grouds that s/he's too busy, and then had the time to throw a party for someone else and used lunch time to do party prep. If you're doing meetings at lunch that's a whole different thing and more understandable. The no lunch/party thing would make me feel like I was not particularly important to my lover.

I don' t know your whole story but in a vacuum here it seems like the issue is not so much control, but a relationship in which neither party really feels comfortable. A good love relationship makes you feel good, not bad.

Just one gal's opinion.
WantsOut is offline  
Old 08-20-2007, 03:35 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
I Finally Love My Life!!!
 
cagefree's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: New England
Posts: 648
I agree with wants out - but it's tough to tell without the entire picture.

What I see is a codependent who is spreading herself very thin and not making sure that her own needs are met.

Take care of you Sunshine. Doing things for others is fine - when you something for you it's better!
cagefree is offline  
Old 08-20-2007, 06:42 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
It is what it is
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: NJ
Posts: 280
As I said all opinions are welcome. Thanks for them. Interesting how two people saw it one way, and two others saw it differently. I need to hear all sides. It helps me to come to a conclusion. I don't think knowing what to call it will make it stop, but it will help me put things into prospective. I guess what I'm saying is I'm not sure what side of the fence I'm on, the first two (which is how I feel after listening to what he has to say) or the last two, which is his argument. I think we spend enough time together and if I want to do something nice for someone else besides me (I usually spend my lunch hour on myself because that is the only hour of the day I get without children or abf) then I think I should do just that. I don't need to spend my lunch hours with abf too. I see him every night (except for the nights he gets drunk and/or leaves the house) and all weekend every weekend. I think some time to myself is fine. Especially since I'm using it in a productive way, whether I'm doing something nice for someone else or just working on my recovery reading my books. He is not the only person in my life.

Jenny
sunshine321 is offline  
Old 08-20-2007, 07:36 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Power is not having to respond
 
Wascally Wabbit's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
What I get from this is, you don't have enough time for him, and yet you're throwing a party for another man. Am I right? Maybe your bf is feeling left out or something.

Oh, I just read backed up and read WantsOut and I agree.
I know I would feel like I wasn't very important.
Take care.
Wascally Wabbit is offline  
Old 08-20-2007, 07:51 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
It is what it is
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: NJ
Posts: 280
No, actually the person I don't have enought time for is me. I have plenty of time for abf (IMO). I just don't want to spend my lunch hours with him when we have dinner with each other and spend all weekend together.

By the way, I'd like to say that it's fine whenever he feels like getting drunk and checking out of our life on a daily or weekly basis. At least he thinks it is. The truth is I am always here. Day in and day out. At least for now.

Jenny
sunshine321 is offline  
Old 08-20-2007, 08:34 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
Lady BlueMiles's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 178
I can see both sides of this situation but the post from CMC hit home for me. I would just be aware of when you feel suffocated, controlled and monitor how often this happens, when it happens, or if the two of you can resolve the issues, or if they continue to be brought up months later when he's drunk or if their are patterns or if it escalates. Just keep an objective eye on it like your doing now for awhile. It doesn't hurt to read up on what constitutes abuse and how to recognize the patterns and cycles.

What started out early on with normal hurt or jealous feelings in these kind of situations with my AH developed into more selfish, controlling behaviour especially when he's drinking. This even spills over into sober time now. If he feels threatened by outside influence on me from others, or when he wants to control any decisions we need to make, he will badger and coerce, belittle me, my job, my boss, my coworkers, my family, call me ugly names make a scene in front of people. Whatever he wants is what is important regardless of consequences. My needs or any effects on me from his decisions don't cross his mind. He will berate me to the quick to justify and get what he wants.

That's verbal and emotional abuse. Hope that's not what your dealing with.
Lady BlueMiles is offline  
Old 08-21-2007, 08:07 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
It is what it is
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: NJ
Posts: 280
LBM
Oh yes it is. It's been that way our entire relationship. This is part of his alcoholic behavior, but especially when he's drunk. IMO, he is possessive, jealous, irrational, selfish, controlling and angry. Not all the time of course. The other part of the time he is loving, supportive, kind, thoughtful and charming. See the duality here? I have likened him to Dr. Jeykle, Mr. Hyde a long time ago. The are the classic issues of an alcoholic and he is also extremely codependent too. Unfortunately he only let me see the sweet side of him in the beginning until after we decided to keep our baby. Then it all came out and I was horrified. And I also felt stuck. And I kept thinking what did I get myself into.

He went on a bender last night. He was upset with me about yesterday for a few things (see above for one of them). He said he doesn't blame me for causing him to drink but by saying that alone I know he feels I have. I stated that if my upsetting him is getting in the way of him working on his sobriety, I can go. He can work on his sobriety without my presence in the home. He didn't answer that. He proceeded to get quite drunk and angry with me, said some nasty things, I walked away and said the conversation is over and he left the house. Came home sometime around 8:30 this morning to start harassing me at work by phone and on my cell phone. He must have called me at least 15 - 20 times in the past 1 - 2 hours. I have tried to stay calm, and removed myself from the conversation. He is still drunk by the way. He has nothing better to do today than obsess over what's bothering him so he's calling me over and over. I told him I will not answer my phone and it can go to voice mail. Doesn't matter to me. That part is over. Oh and he also cancelled our baby's physical therapy today. Again being completely irresponsible like last Thursday's bender and refusing to come to our double session with our therapist. He actually said regarding canceling her appointment, "the only one suffers with my canceling is our daughter." Oh, I'm sorry, that's not enough?

By the way, I'm really sorry you are in this situation too. It's feels terrible when anyone, especially someone you love, speaks and treats you disrepectfully. ((((()))))) to you. I hope these men either get help or we get out. For me I think getting out is going to happen first.

Jenny
sunshine321 is offline  
Old 08-21-2007, 08:36 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
cinderellawkids's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: my own little world
Posts: 9,071
I think its just part of their flip flopping abck and forth. He wants all attention on him and it is not. He's not happy with himself and using this as an oportunity to blame you.

He's an alcoholic being an alcoholic,the personality of it anyway. I get the you never share your day with me, and when I try to either he overrides with his boosting his pride, says thats stupid boring or something, it depends on his frame of mind and has nothing to do with what I said.

How do you deal with it by pretty much ignoring what he says he's just quacking
cinderellawkids is offline  
Old 08-21-2007, 09:08 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
It is what it is
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: NJ
Posts: 280
Cw/kids
I agree with you also. And you are right about the attention. It has to be on him 24/7. It's pathetic. The only time it's allowed to not be focused on him is when it's to do with his daughter. And even then, I get a lot of comments when he's drunk and angry or even "sober" that the only thing I care about are the kids. Sheesh. I know that's why I've stayed and tried to make an impossible relationship work with an impossible alcoholic. Because I only care about the kids.

He's so sad. I actually feel pity for him today. The past few times he's gone on benders he's worse than ever, doing out of character things. I guess both my work is changing the dynamic which is making him more off balance and his alcoholism is progressing. He's only been irresponsible to a degree in the past (meaning he'll switch his schedule around to go in later but will work that day). Lately he's cancelled two appointments in a row the day after a bender. And they were both late in the day or evening. Luckily for him it's slow at work. He owns his own business by the way so no one to report to besides his customers.

Jenny
sunshine321 is offline  
Old 08-21-2007, 09:27 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
It is what it is
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: NJ
Posts: 280
I don't want to go home today after work. I have to pick up my 4 yr old and the baby at 4:00 and I have to think of somewhere to take them. Unfortunately it is raining in New Jersey and chilly too. Maybe the mall for a while. I do need to look at some school clothes. Or maybe Target. I know I don't want to go home. Not today.

Jenny
sunshine321 is offline  
Old 08-21-2007, 09:55 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
cinderellawkids's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: my own little world
Posts: 9,071
Im sorry I feel for you
cinderellawkids is offline  
Old 08-21-2007, 10:13 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 2
I don't have much to add to what everyone else has already said but one thing. A couple should share their experiences of the day with each other. It may seem insignificant to you right now, but it's communication. If you are being as secretive in your communication with him about your work on a regular basis, not being willing or able to meet with him for a lunch date (which I happen to think is sweet of him to ask) and then all of the sudden you are throwing a "party" for a guy in your office...call me crazy, but that would be a red flag to me too! Most affairs start in the work place...need I remind people of this?

I am by no means saying that he is right in other areas...you are certainly not the cause of his drinking...at all! It sounds as if he doesn't know how to express his fears to you...it's not just the Code's that have abandonment issues...Just a thought!

Good luck to you!
LuvnmyA is offline  
Old 08-21-2007, 10:36 AM
  # 16 (permalink)  
It is what it is
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: NJ
Posts: 280
I get what you are saying but it's not the way it sounds. There is nothing to share in my work day. Here I'll share with you. I answered the phone 4 times this morning. I pdfed a few documents to a few people so they could email some people. I entered time for one of my bosses in my computer which is tedious boring. I released and spell checked that time. I finished and submitted my timesheet to payroll. I will copy a few letters in a while and Fedex one and mail the other. I have created a document that will go to a department so they will print a label for a file I made. I will enter more time for another boss in a little while. The rest of the day will bring more of the same. Now is that something you would be interested in daily. If something does come up that is interesting then I share it. But for the most part, that's how my day goes. Sorry it's just not stimulating to discuss. I don't have a problem with what I do, but it's not something anyone needs to hear more than once and certainly not daily. I bore myself repeating it.

Maybe I didn't make myself clear regarding the party so I'll explain further. The party is a send off for my boss who is getting married on Saturday. MARRIED. Not affair material. And you know, I don't appreciate not being trusted because he has issues. He is a codie besides being an alcoholic. I get that he has issues. But I need to conduct my life too. Just because we are a couple doesn't mean we have to be joined at the hip. That's just not healthy IMO. I don't give the man reasons to be jealous and I certainly don't have time for an affair nor do I want one. I'm sorry if he's so insecure that he feels that way or thinks it. It's an insult to me. I know he's a piece of crap the way he is right now, and he knows it too. That's factual. Whether he decides to do something about that fact before I head for the door is not up to me. But I will say that I am giving him every opportunity to do something before I leave. I do not go backward. I only move forward.

Jenny
sunshine321 is offline  
Old 08-21-2007, 05:07 PM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
Lady BlueMiles's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 178
It IS a crappy day here in NJ. One thing I love about my mall is the food court when I don't want to go home. Not real expensive, and the food's not that bad. I especially like the Japanese stall that sells the vegetable tempura. mmm yummy. Of course Mrs. Fields always catches my attention. Most times I make myself walk past but now and again I indulge.

I've been reading about not forcing solutions to our own proconceived ideas. Let go and let HP. The HP of our understanding already knows the solutions, we just need to surrender and trust that.

I hope you can find some peace this evening. (((()))) to you.
Lady BlueMiles is offline  
Old 08-22-2007, 07:17 AM
  # 18 (permalink)  
It is what it is
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: NJ
Posts: 280
This irrational crazy behavior still amazes me sometimes. I do understand alcoholism better since I'm more informed so intellectually I know the symptoms. I know he's sick. But there are things that still exasporate me. His compulsiveness, his instant gratification needing to be met, his focus on petty things. I cannot get it. I do say to myself that he is sick. He has an illness and it's not going to get better, only worse unless he decides he needs to do something about it. The three Cs. I must say them to myself 20 times a day. I've never experienced anything like this before and I hope to never again.

I took the girls shopping and we were gone until about 7:00 p.m. When I got home he wasn't there. I was happy and relieved. I know it shouldn't effect me one way or the other but I'm not completely detached yet. I'm working on it. He did end up coming home at 10:00 p.m. and I was hoping he would stop harassing me when I saw him this morning. But no, it continued. 24 hours later. Same story, same obssession. I told him I don't have time for his nonsense and went about my schedule this morning. I am happy to report I did not raise my voice and I left on schedule. I'm making progress but I still have a lot of work to do because even though it's an improvement over things I used to do (fight back, argue, etc.) I still was stressed and felt shaky inside. I know he's still effecting me negatively. Does anyone else still get stressed out by the harassment and ranting of their A?

Jenny
sunshine321 is offline  
Old 08-22-2007, 04:39 PM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
 
Lady BlueMiles's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 178
Does anyone else still get stressed out by the harassment and ranting of their A?

I most certainly still do get stressed. I get a big knot in my stomach when I pull into the yard after work and his car's not there knowing he's at the bar. It won't go away because I know I'm going to have to deal with the drunk BS when he shows up.

I'm still so new to Alanon though and working on the first two steps. Hope I get better at detachment. Not sure if I completely comprehend how to work the program yet or if I really feel the concepts emotionally and deep inside. I know my life is unmanageable, I repeat the serenity prayer and the three c's. I know I have to detach and let go. But this isn't so easy as thinking it. I feel like I've opened up Pandora's box and now what do I do with the flood of stuff I'm seeing.

One thing that is happening to me, I find myself thinking about myself more, and find myself being aware of how my mind wants to focus on AH. It's a struggle to keep the attention on myself as the mind wants to drift toward his issues, understanding him, and whatever. I need to keep pulling myself back to my side of the street. Does this make sense?
Lady BlueMiles is offline  
Old 08-23-2007, 06:40 AM
  # 20 (permalink)  
It is what it is
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: NJ
Posts: 280
Yes it makes perfect sense. I still walk around the house after he leaves after a drunken fight thinking way too much about him instead of what I could be doing for me. I force myself to put the focus back on myself. But I have to do it every 10 minutes. I guess eventually it will become every 15, then 20, etc. Learned behavior. And more detachment.

My mom is textbook codependent. I know I learned some of my behaviors from the environment we lived in. Almost all the men in her life were addicts or recovering addicts. This is my first and I'm 40. I am codependent in some ways, but not to the extreme. I'm not the kind that needs to run his schedule, rescue, make up lies to cover up, etc. And I found out that when I was doing things that were correct like focusing more on myself and letting him suffer his own consequences (like not waking him up in the morning after a stupor when he is more than capable to set his own alarm) he would acuse me of being selfish and I would then question myself. Originally I would think to myself that I'm not his mother and it's his responsibility to wake his own butt up in the morning, but then after he would get done ranting and raging at me then I would end up questioning myself. That's more the stuff I do. I lose my own grounding when around him. I would also put my 2 cents in where it wasn't asked and try to get him to see that he needs to do something about his drinking. I would call him a drunk when we were fighting and engage in yelling and arguing to my own detriment. Also spend hours trying to reason with him drunk, which he would then turn around during the fight and throw back in my face what kind of fool am I trying to reason with him. It was like he played a game with me and then felt superior because he won and pointed out how foolish I was being. And he was right but it would make me so mad because I was spending hours trying to help him and then he would use it against me. I don't give him that power anymore. And when I tell him that he only wants to have these talks when he's drunk and he says well you never want to bring anything up when I'm sober, I just walk away now. I don't argue. I just say I am not entertaining his nonsense and come inside and go about my business. I must say I'm not calm inside. I don't let him know that he rattles me, but I am still stressed. I hate that the most. But I do calm down much quicker now. Anger begets anger. I know that. It seems so simple but I couldn't see it before. I kept thinking that if he can get angry with me, I can get angry back. He'll suffer my wrath if I have to suffer his. That's just not good for my mental health. It's a slow process, but I'm learning.

Jenny
sunshine321 is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 05:11 AM.