Misscat

Yes, so I thought I could regulate my drinking. Often, I can. But I am beginning to realize that drinking at all is interfering somewhat with my mood and my life.
I succeeded in quitting drugs, and have done a decent job of staying away from bars/clubs--places where I overdo it and act impulsively...and I have done a decent job of having only one or two glasses of wine at night and stopping.
But, that hasnt stopped me from feeling bad about even having any at all, because II know its best for me just to eliminate it from my life. If I have to think about the control then it just seems to take too much energy. And I honestly like the sober me better.
But its hard because honestly, its like at a certain time in the evening, I just go and have a drink, like its no big deal. And a lot of the time, its just fine. But other times, I end up feeling weak that I didnt just steer clear of it. Its like my brain equates drinking with fun, even though I know better. Last night I was at a family party with my fiance (Mike), had two glasses of wine, and was fine. Later we had his brother and his girlfriend to our place and I had two more glasses of wine and suddenly I feel like I'm getting sort of drunk. Once everyone left Mike and I get into a fight, I'm crying, he's disappointed in me...because I told a story to Mikes dad about the hippies I used to hang out with which included mentioning that I had done mushrooms. His dad was curious, no judgements seem to have been made, it was a story that occurred 8 years ago, to me its in the past. But my fiance is just getting so upset whenever drugs are mentioned, he thinks its embarassing. And drinking has been making him upset too. I feel like I am driving him away even though I dont mean to.
He is sensitive to this stuff because his mom is an active alcoholic, and it hurts him. I dont feel like I want to lose him just so I can still have a few drinks...
But I Idont know why its so easy for me to just pour one at 9 pm even after I have been telling myself that I should just give it up. I feel so weak.
I just feel Mike getting disgusted with me and my past party lifestyle, and I am trying to make him understand that I am pulling out of that a lot, but I cant change my past.
Why havnt I been able to give it up?

parentrecovers

you can stop - but first you have to decide you're ready to.
blessings, k

Misscat

Yes, I really think I am ready...I have been ready but it just hasnt stuck and I feel bad about myself for it.

Anna

Hi Missy,

I suspect it's so hard to give up drinking because you are an alcoholic. You know that alcohol is causing problems in your life and upsetting your relationship with your fiance, but you can't stop because you are addicted to alcohol. I found that stopping drinking was such a feeling of freedom to me. I no longer had to obsess about when and where I would drink and worry about things I had said or not said. I could actually live my life. Controlling my drinking was an exhausting job.

You can't change your past, but you can show your fiance, with your actions, that you are living a sober life today. I found that explaining things to my family was hopeless. They didn't understand and they just wanted me to stop drinking.

parentrecovers

what about aa or some other support - an addiction therapist maybe? just a thought..

and i'm glad you're ready

k

mike_mass

thanks for the honesty. My wife was a big reason why I stopped drinking..I think it saved our marriage. It sounds like your future marriage will do much better if you are sober.

Hevyn

Yes, Misscat, long after it ceases to be fun we still insist we need it in our lives. I've never read a good explanation for why, against all logic, we don't do what we know we have to! Trying to "control" it and be a social drinker cost me decades of damage and destruction - and now health issues. It's a disease, and the purpose of a disease is to kill you, so why do we hesitate to do what we know must be done? All I can tell you is, I would give anything to have a do-over of the past 20 years, and live them without alcohol.

Misscat

Thanks all...
Well one night down...no drinks!
I feel sad today, just tired of the feeling of "Oh man did I say something dumb?" and feeling stupid for having had any drinks to begin with. This summer staying in more, sleeping better, and not doing any crazy club/bar nights has been great because my mind feels so much clearer, and I generally feel more stable. The last logical step would be to not drink at all and feel that much more together. I like thinking clearer and feeling more calm and happy.
I was always interested in taking care of my body, by eating well, excersizing 4-5 times a week, yoga, going to the doctor regularly...this has to be a new step, I am just fed up.

Misscat

well, I really hope that I can stick this one out. *crosses fingers*

CarolD

Hmmm...
You mentioned your brain ....so I suggest this might be of interest

http://chemcases.com/alcohol/alc-07.htm

Blessings to you and Mike