where to go from here
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 46
where to go from here
So, abf is now back after 3 months of active recovery in Florida. Coming back b/c of a relapse (he did an oxy) certainly isn't ideal but it was my choice to let him and now I just have to deal with what is. My question is for those who have lived with an addict in recovery. Up until now, the only time we lived together was when he was actively using. He seems positive and motivated but there is still so much mistrust...especially because of the circumstances surrounding his coming back.
I'm not really sure how to act. We're going to sit down tonight when I get home from work and write out all of my boundaries and expectations for him living with me again. We tried to talk about boundaries before Florida but since he was pretty much always high I don't think it ever sunk in. Im just not sure how to enforce some of this stuff. Especially when it comes to things I expect him not to do (drugs, lie, talk to old drug buddies, etc). I don't want to go back to searching his cell phone, pockets, the soles of his shoes...dragging him into the bathroom so I can see his pupils in better light.
I hated living like that, but is that what I have to do to make sure he is holding up his end of the deal? Is living like that the consequence of my choice to allow him back? How have people dealt with this? Also, thanks to everyone who replied to me this weekend when I was going crazy...it was so appreciated.
I'm not really sure how to act. We're going to sit down tonight when I get home from work and write out all of my boundaries and expectations for him living with me again. We tried to talk about boundaries before Florida but since he was pretty much always high I don't think it ever sunk in. Im just not sure how to enforce some of this stuff. Especially when it comes to things I expect him not to do (drugs, lie, talk to old drug buddies, etc). I don't want to go back to searching his cell phone, pockets, the soles of his shoes...dragging him into the bathroom so I can see his pupils in better light.
I hated living like that, but is that what I have to do to make sure he is holding up his end of the deal? Is living like that the consequence of my choice to allow him back? How have people dealt with this? Also, thanks to everyone who replied to me this weekend when I was going crazy...it was so appreciated.
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Maddie, I think it is a good idea to be clear about your boundaries, but I would suggest thinking about the nature of those boundaries and the reasons behind them. I found that if I set boundaries with the expectation that it would keep my addict from using, i was still trying to control the situation and that wasn't good for either of us. The boundaries I ended up implementing were ones that protected me or made my life easier...Things like be home by a certain hour or leave a message on the (turned off) cell phone. ...This was a boundary i had so i could sleep and not feel dread because I did not know what was going on or be woken up by a phone ringing. No stealing...pretty obvious, huh? No drugs in the home or in a vehicle I am in...to protect me...I can not control my addict's use but I can protect myself from legal issues.
I also eliminated boundaries that attempted to control the "how to" of her recovery. Yes, she was expected to attend her outpatient program, because that was part of the rehab's extended treatment, but I stopped "requiring" meetings...Who was I to tell her how to work recovery? Once I stopped all the questions...did you go, where was your meeting, etc, I found that she was truly doing these things on her own...and even occassionally invited me to an open meeting with her. I'm not saying that is a natural result...just that the more hands off I was, the better it was for both of us.
So my suggestion is to establish boundaries that are about you, only establish boundaries you know you will enforce...idol threats do nothing, and to not play the role of detective to make sure he is sticking to your boundaries. If he is not, you will know very soon...Like you, I hated that role of sneaking around, checking things, worrying...It wasn't until I finally realized that doing so did absolutely nothing, that I could let it go. Coming here and going to Naranon meetings really helped me to get to that point. Hugs
I also eliminated boundaries that attempted to control the "how to" of her recovery. Yes, she was expected to attend her outpatient program, because that was part of the rehab's extended treatment, but I stopped "requiring" meetings...Who was I to tell her how to work recovery? Once I stopped all the questions...did you go, where was your meeting, etc, I found that she was truly doing these things on her own...and even occassionally invited me to an open meeting with her. I'm not saying that is a natural result...just that the more hands off I was, the better it was for both of us.
So my suggestion is to establish boundaries that are about you, only establish boundaries you know you will enforce...idol threats do nothing, and to not play the role of detective to make sure he is sticking to your boundaries. If he is not, you will know very soon...Like you, I hated that role of sneaking around, checking things, worrying...It wasn't until I finally realized that doing so did absolutely nothing, that I could let it go. Coming here and going to Naranon meetings really helped me to get to that point. Hugs
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Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
honey, you do not have to ck.cell phones & do all the things you listed. go to your meetings & keep coming back here. if he is using u will know it.his recovery is his recovery. if he is not in a program, going to meetings & talking recovery he is not recovering. i hope things work out for both of you. prayers,
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
((((Maddie)))
Good advice before me.
I have to ditto Greet in that for me boundaries with expectations were always dangerous.
I eventually made them about me and my home, and was able to somewhat take the responsibility for my son following through off of me.
He came home because he messed up and you have agreed to allow him to come home...with rules. Its his choice whether or not to follow the rules, or live elsewhere.
Prayers that he gets back on track, and understands the consequences of his actions.
(((Hugs)))
Cece
Good advice before me.
I have to ditto Greet in that for me boundaries with expectations were always dangerous.
I eventually made them about me and my home, and was able to somewhat take the responsibility for my son following through off of me.
He came home because he messed up and you have agreed to allow him to come home...with rules. Its his choice whether or not to follow the rules, or live elsewhere.
Prayers that he gets back on track, and understands the consequences of his actions.
(((Hugs)))
Cece
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