Language of Letting Go - August 20
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Language of Letting Go - August 20
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Honesty in Relationships
We can be honest and direct about our boundaries in relationships and about the parameters of a particular relationship.
Perhaps no area of our life reflects our uniqueness and individuality in recovery more than our relationships. Some of us are in a committed relationship. Some of us are dating. Some of us are not dating. Some of us are living with someone. Some of us wish we were dating. Some of us wish we were in a committed relationship. Some of us get into new relationships after recovery. Some of us stay in the relationship we were in before we began recovering.
We have other relationships too. We have friendships. Relationships with children, with parents, with extended family. We have professional relationships - relationships with people on the job.
We need to be able to be honest and direct in our relationships. One area we can be honest and direct about is the parameters of our relationships. We can define our relationships to people, an idea written about by Charlotte Kasl and others, and we can ask them to be honest and direct about defining their vision of the relationship with us.
It is confusing to be in relationships and not know where we stand - whether this is on the job, in a friendship, with family members, or in a love relationship. We have a right to be direct about how we define the relationship - what we want it to be. But relationships equal two people who have equal rights. The other person needs to be able to define the relationship too. We have a right to know, and ask. So do they.
Honesty is the best policy.
We can set boundaries. If someone wants a more intense relationship than we do, we can be clear and honest about what we want, about our intended level of participation. We can tell the person what to reasonably expect from us, because that is what we want to give. How the person deals with that is his or her issue. Whether or not we tell the person is ours.
We can set boundaries and define friendships when those cause confusion.
We can even define relationships with children, if those relationships have gotten sticky and exceeded our parameters. We need to define love relationships and what that means to each person. We have a right to ask and receive clear answers. We have a right to make our own definitions and have our own expectations. So does the other person.
Honesty and directness is the only policy. Sometimes we don't know what we want in a relationship. Sometimes the other person doesn't know. But the sooner we can define a relationship, with the other person's help, the sooner we can decide on an appropriate course of conduct for ourselves.
The clearer we can become on defining relationships, the more we can take care of ourselves in that relationship. We have a right to our boundaries, wants, and needs. So does the other person. We cannot force someone to be in a relationship or to participate at a level we desire if he or she does not want to. All of us have a right not to be forced.
Information is a powerful tool, and having the information about what a particular relationship is - the boundaries and definitions of it - will empower us to take care of ourselves in it.
Relationships take a while to form, but at some point we can reasonably expect a clear definition of what that relationship is and what the boundaries of it are. If the definitions clash, we are free to make a new decision based on appropriate information about what we need to do to take care of ourselves.
Today, I will strive for clarity and directness in my relationships. If I now have some relationships that are murky and ill defined, and if I have given them adequate time to form, I will begin to take action to define that relationship. God, help me let go of my fears about defining and understanding the nature of my present relationships. Guide me into clarity - clear, healthy thinking. Help me know that what I want is okay. Help me know that if I can't get that from the other person, what I want is still okay, but not possible at the present time. Help me learn to not forego what I want and need, but empower me to make appropriate, healthy choices about where to get that.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
Honesty in Relationships
We can be honest and direct about our boundaries in relationships and about the parameters of a particular relationship.
Perhaps no area of our life reflects our uniqueness and individuality in recovery more than our relationships. Some of us are in a committed relationship. Some of us are dating. Some of us are not dating. Some of us are living with someone. Some of us wish we were dating. Some of us wish we were in a committed relationship. Some of us get into new relationships after recovery. Some of us stay in the relationship we were in before we began recovering.
We have other relationships too. We have friendships. Relationships with children, with parents, with extended family. We have professional relationships - relationships with people on the job.
We need to be able to be honest and direct in our relationships. One area we can be honest and direct about is the parameters of our relationships. We can define our relationships to people, an idea written about by Charlotte Kasl and others, and we can ask them to be honest and direct about defining their vision of the relationship with us.
It is confusing to be in relationships and not know where we stand - whether this is on the job, in a friendship, with family members, or in a love relationship. We have a right to be direct about how we define the relationship - what we want it to be. But relationships equal two people who have equal rights. The other person needs to be able to define the relationship too. We have a right to know, and ask. So do they.
Honesty is the best policy.
We can set boundaries. If someone wants a more intense relationship than we do, we can be clear and honest about what we want, about our intended level of participation. We can tell the person what to reasonably expect from us, because that is what we want to give. How the person deals with that is his or her issue. Whether or not we tell the person is ours.
We can set boundaries and define friendships when those cause confusion.
We can even define relationships with children, if those relationships have gotten sticky and exceeded our parameters. We need to define love relationships and what that means to each person. We have a right to ask and receive clear answers. We have a right to make our own definitions and have our own expectations. So does the other person.
Honesty and directness is the only policy. Sometimes we don't know what we want in a relationship. Sometimes the other person doesn't know. But the sooner we can define a relationship, with the other person's help, the sooner we can decide on an appropriate course of conduct for ourselves.
The clearer we can become on defining relationships, the more we can take care of ourselves in that relationship. We have a right to our boundaries, wants, and needs. So does the other person. We cannot force someone to be in a relationship or to participate at a level we desire if he or she does not want to. All of us have a right not to be forced.
Information is a powerful tool, and having the information about what a particular relationship is - the boundaries and definitions of it - will empower us to take care of ourselves in it.
Relationships take a while to form, but at some point we can reasonably expect a clear definition of what that relationship is and what the boundaries of it are. If the definitions clash, we are free to make a new decision based on appropriate information about what we need to do to take care of ourselves.
Today, I will strive for clarity and directness in my relationships. If I now have some relationships that are murky and ill defined, and if I have given them adequate time to form, I will begin to take action to define that relationship. God, help me let go of my fears about defining and understanding the nature of my present relationships. Guide me into clarity - clear, healthy thinking. Help me know that what I want is okay. Help me know that if I can't get that from the other person, what I want is still okay, but not possible at the present time. Help me learn to not forego what I want and need, but empower me to make appropriate, healthy choices about where to get that.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
In the past, I tended to wait out a bad relationship, whether it is with a person or on the job. I'd wait until something happened to spell out how bad it was...and then I would "react".
Today I notice when a relationship is not working, or when it needs boundaries. Today I am not afraid to talk about it and set boundaries that are healthy for me. If this doesn't work for the other person, then that's their problem to "react" to, all my responsibility is is to make certain the relationship is healthy for me or make the decision to end it or at least set it on a different level.
I did this recently on a contract where I have been working long hours. I could see that it wasn't going to let up and it was not what I had agreed to. I spoke up, and am making arrangements for them to turn it over to someone who wants long hours....works for me and works for them. How much better this is than overworking myself and staying unhappy. It's all about respecting my own boundaries and the willingness to speak up for myself.
It comes, as a gift of recovery the words come when we need them.
Hugs
Today I notice when a relationship is not working, or when it needs boundaries. Today I am not afraid to talk about it and set boundaries that are healthy for me. If this doesn't work for the other person, then that's their problem to "react" to, all my responsibility is is to make certain the relationship is healthy for me or make the decision to end it or at least set it on a different level.
I did this recently on a contract where I have been working long hours. I could see that it wasn't going to let up and it was not what I had agreed to. I spoke up, and am making arrangements for them to turn it over to someone who wants long hours....works for me and works for them. How much better this is than overworking myself and staying unhappy. It's all about respecting my own boundaries and the willingness to speak up for myself.
It comes, as a gift of recovery the words come when we need them.
Hugs
Guest
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: MA
Posts: 145
O Ann, I could not have needed your post more than I do today. Thank you.
I started a new thread with this too, but I want to say it again. I am hurting so bad. Not so much because of what he did, but rather the fact that I let myself believe that there was the possibility that he would stay sober. I guess it was too much to ask. The part that bothers me the most is that yesterday especially I reached out to one of his friends of whom I am very close to as well and asked him for help and little do you know that 230 am rolls around last night I who have to work today is still awake worried about him and he comes home from being with this friend messed up….AGAIN.
Am I wrong to throw my hands up in the air? I just don’t know how much more I can handle. I am at work now, I haven’t slept yet and I’m sick to my stomach. I just ache all over. I can’t do it anymore, especially alone. I wish to God I was a stronger person and could just tell him to F off and move on with my life. The only problem is I live with him in his house in his state. I am nearly 300 miles away. Thus meaning throwing my hands up in the air would be packing everything, moving back home and then finding a new job etc. This is where your post comes in. I am so quick to put up my dukes and fight the good fight for a bad relationship and for the first time ever I just don’t think I have it in me. But then why is it so hard to do what I need to do?
I started a new thread with this too, but I want to say it again. I am hurting so bad. Not so much because of what he did, but rather the fact that I let myself believe that there was the possibility that he would stay sober. I guess it was too much to ask. The part that bothers me the most is that yesterday especially I reached out to one of his friends of whom I am very close to as well and asked him for help and little do you know that 230 am rolls around last night I who have to work today is still awake worried about him and he comes home from being with this friend messed up….AGAIN.
Am I wrong to throw my hands up in the air? I just don’t know how much more I can handle. I am at work now, I haven’t slept yet and I’m sick to my stomach. I just ache all over. I can’t do it anymore, especially alone. I wish to God I was a stronger person and could just tell him to F off and move on with my life. The only problem is I live with him in his house in his state. I am nearly 300 miles away. Thus meaning throwing my hands up in the air would be packing everything, moving back home and then finding a new job etc. This is where your post comes in. I am so quick to put up my dukes and fight the good fight for a bad relationship and for the first time ever I just don’t think I have it in me. But then why is it so hard to do what I need to do?
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I don't know if you go to meetings, but that would be a very good start at taking care of yourself. The only way I could move forward to do what I needed to do to stop feeling so much pain, was to find a meeting and begin working what has been a lifesaver of a program for me.
I can't change my son or his addiction, but I found that I could find a way to make my life worth living. Staying in the darkness with him was unhealthy for both of us, so I had to find my own light and learn to live it, and maybe some day that same light will draw him to a better place for himself.
We hold the key to our own happiness, not our addicts, and I just had to stop clenching my fists and find that key and open the door to a better way. You can do it to, it just takes a lot of courage, faith and belief that life can be good again.
Hugs
I can't change my son or his addiction, but I found that I could find a way to make my life worth living. Staying in the darkness with him was unhealthy for both of us, so I had to find my own light and learn to live it, and maybe some day that same light will draw him to a better place for himself.
We hold the key to our own happiness, not our addicts, and I just had to stop clenching my fists and find that key and open the door to a better way. You can do it to, it just takes a lot of courage, faith and belief that life can be good again.
Hugs
Guest
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: MA
Posts: 145
Ann,
I just posted the information on a meeting tonight about a 1/2 hour ago. I need to. I am the poster child for codependence in every relationship in my life. I think at least by helping myself break out of it with this one, it may help me with the rest. Thank you for the suggestion. I will let you know how it goes.
I just posted the information on a meeting tonight about a 1/2 hour ago. I need to. I am the poster child for codependence in every relationship in my life. I think at least by helping myself break out of it with this one, it may help me with the rest. Thank you for the suggestion. I will let you know how it goes.
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I'm cheering you on, and applauding your choices. 
You have already taken the biggest step, just by reaching out.
Good luck at your meeting, I really hope it is as wonderful as mine were.
Hugs
You have already taken the biggest step, just by reaching out.
Good luck at your meeting, I really hope it is as wonderful as mine were.
Hugs
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