whats the heck is up with this???
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Milwaukee WI
Posts: 137
whats the heck is up with this???
OK...just throwing this out there, I would love to hear everyones thoughts on this. My Mom is having surgery this week and my Dad is going to be 80 at the beginning of Sept. I wanted to have a b-party for my Dad for his birthday, but due to my Mom's surgery she just won't be able to be physically ready for it. So, today we are having a cookout for everyone to come over before her surgery.
I have been busy for the last week or so trying to get the kids stuff for school and for the cookout. I was in our garage today cleaning out the cat litter box. My husband was on the phone with his mother. While in the garage my husbands conversation with his mother was very "short" on answers.
So, I left the garage and went into the breezeway (the door in between was still open) I had opened the door to go in, but forgot to grab something and then closed the door. I heard my husband say to his Mom...we have to come up with a code word or something that I can say when she walks into the room. He then swears. He says no she is not here right now...but what word can I say if she walks in and we are talking abouth her so that you know she walked in the room.
I just walked into the house, I was shaking I was so angry...what is up with this?? A code word so that my husband can talk about me behind my back to his Mom????
I had not talked with his Mom for several months, after the last e-mail she sent to me listing all the things she "observed" that I did or said to my husband while she was visiting, that she felt might be causing his drinking. I talked with her in June and she went on and on about she wanted us all to be a family again, and that she missed me so much and thought about me every night before bed.
I feel so betrayed by both of them, it makes me want to throw up. But, I will put on my happy face for my Mom...she is what matters this right not. But, I am going to say something....just not today.
I have been busy for the last week or so trying to get the kids stuff for school and for the cookout. I was in our garage today cleaning out the cat litter box. My husband was on the phone with his mother. While in the garage my husbands conversation with his mother was very "short" on answers.
So, I left the garage and went into the breezeway (the door in between was still open) I had opened the door to go in, but forgot to grab something and then closed the door. I heard my husband say to his Mom...we have to come up with a code word or something that I can say when she walks into the room. He then swears. He says no she is not here right now...but what word can I say if she walks in and we are talking abouth her so that you know she walked in the room.
I just walked into the house, I was shaking I was so angry...what is up with this?? A code word so that my husband can talk about me behind my back to his Mom????
I had not talked with his Mom for several months, after the last e-mail she sent to me listing all the things she "observed" that I did or said to my husband while she was visiting, that she felt might be causing his drinking. I talked with her in June and she went on and on about she wanted us all to be a family again, and that she missed me so much and thought about me every night before bed.
I feel so betrayed by both of them, it makes me want to throw up. But, I will put on my happy face for my Mom...she is what matters this right not. But, I am going to say something....just not today.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Wales
Posts: 523
((()))) Stillsearching that is just horrible. Your right say nothing for today. Your a better person than them in every way, that makes the phrase "blood is thicker than water" in a really unhealthy light. I really dont know what to say, i would be livid.
You enjoy your day with your parents, and i hope your mothers surgery goes well, focus on them and you.
i wouldnt give your mil the time of day, she is as ill as her son.
Thinking of you, sorry im not much help.
Mair
You enjoy your day with your parents, and i hope your mothers surgery goes well, focus on them and you.
i wouldnt give your mil the time of day, she is as ill as her son.
Thinking of you, sorry im not much help.
Mair
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
I can only imagine how that might make you feel.
Personally, I would be honest and very calm and matter-of-factly admit to him that I heard what was said about the code word being said when I walked in the room, and drop it. 'Nuff said! I wouldn't argue, debate, or discuss it ...just let him know that I heard it. Let the chips of deception fall where they may. That's just how I would handle it.
Personally, I would be honest and very calm and matter-of-factly admit to him that I heard what was said about the code word being said when I walked in the room, and drop it. 'Nuff said! I wouldn't argue, debate, or discuss it ...just let him know that I heard it. Let the chips of deception fall where they may. That's just how I would handle it.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 178
Ouch. I know that hurts. I'm so sorry you have to deal with that..
My ah is very manipulated and controlled by his family/friends and I've been hurt too many times. It can be very destructive to a marriage. The more I detach the less I'm affected by all the outside influence about anything and everything, but it's still hard because I'm living here.
Hope you can find a peaceful solution. Have you ever tried taking MIL to an Alanon meeting when she visits?
My ah is very manipulated and controlled by his family/friends and I've been hurt too many times. It can be very destructive to a marriage. The more I detach the less I'm affected by all the outside influence about anything and everything, but it's still hard because I'm living here.
Hope you can find a peaceful solution. Have you ever tried taking MIL to an Alanon meeting when she visits?
It is what it is
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: NJ
Posts: 280
I would also feel betrayed and angry. And you should feel that anger and express it but in a controlled way. Just let him know that made you feel badly and end it. I wouldn't get into a debate or have him try to change it around. My abf would deny it and say that I misheard him which is frustrating but what can you do. Hope you start to feel better and more focused on yourself. Hope your party was fun and that your mom's surgery goes well since that's what really matters anyway.
Jenny
Jenny
So sick of Love songs
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Exactly where my HP intends for me to be!
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I would be mad as hell if I heard my husband say that to his mother.
A part of me says do nothing do not act....you have dignity & grace BUT the other part of me says get mad, get even, say something just as hateful back to the both of them.
BUT IN THE END no matter what action I took I would have to let it go because hanging on to it would cause me too much pain.
A part of me says do nothing do not act....you have dignity & grace BUT the other part of me says get mad, get even, say something just as hateful back to the both of them.
BUT IN THE END no matter what action I took I would have to let it go because hanging on to it would cause me too much pain.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 596
This subject used to make my blood boil. But since I've had some revelations, it's not so bad.
For years my AH confided in his mommy about me. Man, what a dolt. I mean, he couldn't find one single friend to confide in, so he aided in helping his family hate me. Oh, but then he was distraught that we didn't all get along. Can't have it both ways pal. And his mommy was oh so eager to lick up every drop he fed her about me. She thrives on chaos, loves drama, gets excited when pouncing to the pulpit, relishes in signs of loyalty from her blood offspring, needs desperately to be needed, and taught the younger family to hate others through religion.
Not surprisingly, her own mother was very abusive and married to a raging alcoholic. And, I did I mention my mother-in-law's current husband is an alcoholic.
She defines codependency.
So, I didn't put much time into our roles, and instead focused on her as an individual for years. That didn't help me much, because my hatred for her festered and was not good for me.
I searched for ways to deal with him and his mommy.
We went to Christian counseling. The counselor instructed my AH to write an email to his sister and mommy, informing them that he had told me of his participation in gossip about me and also repeated what they (loyal Christians) had been saying about me. He told them that he loved me and would no longer participate in the backbiting, and repeated to them what the counselor had told him to write.
Well, it did manage to **** his mommy and sister off. I felt a little satisfaction, but not for long. While he may have slowed down on talking bad about me, they never stopped. In fact, it could have been desperation that lead to my MIL making stuff up about me. I can't tell you the absurd lies her own sisters have told me she spreads. Just evil.
So, I thought I could just be civil with her. But when I'd see her, she'd manipulate the conversation into something controversial. She's quiz me and then turn my words against me later, and say horrible things about me.
I've come to the conclusion that this woman's need to be needed is so strong, that she gets off on causing division between my AH and myself, just so she can feel closer or more important to him than me. It's insane. And by doing nothing, she continued to get her kicks, and I continued to stress out.
I'm now 40. I stopped speaking to her last November. She invited herself to visit about 3 weeks ago. I was either gone or in the bedroom when she was here. I refuse to speak to her, period. She is dead to me. I have no room in my life for anyone actively wishing to cause me harm. We're going there to visit in 2 weeks. Because she is so evil, we will be staying in a hotel. My husband may take the kids to her house during the day. But I will not go to her house. I don't care who gets upset anymore. But it ain't me. I don't care whose feathers get ruffled anymore, but it's not mine. I don't care if people think I'm making a statement. They can think whatever they want.
For YEARS my AH used to insist we visit with her, and then put me down in front of her or speak to me in ways he'd never do if she weren't around. He used her like his shield to me. She was mortified when we moved in together prior to marrying. I was 26, he was 34. She was pregnant when she got married at the ripe age of 19. She had an affair on her husband. How the hell did she get put into a position of moral, godly authority?
Anyway, sorry this is so long. I liken dealing with my mother-in-law like playing with the tar baby. Best not to play with it at all. Every time you do, you'll get stuck. If yours is like mine, she'll cry to your AH if she thinks you're being mean to her. If you confront her, she'll race at the challenge to prove to you that his loyalties are to her. She'll relish to find out you fought over her.
Remember that you always have choices. I didn't think I did. I listened to my AH tell me what I should and should not do. You have a right not to be around his mother. It's his fault you two are at odds. If the consequence is that he doesn't get to have a warm, happy family, well that is the price he'll pay for his loose lips and disloyalty. These "men" need to grow up and cut the apron strings.
I used to not dare say a negative word about AH's mother to him. It would have been a sin to speak of the saint to him in such a manner. When I finally had enough, I told him I can't stand her and won't be around her anymore. I really told him exactly what I thought of her. Helped me at least, and definitely let him know how I felt about her.
My faults were inaction, passivity, lack of figuring out the roles we were in, taking things personally, listening to my AH instead of myself. I do what is right for me.
Good luck to you. I know the pain of feeling his disloyalty. As IF being put below the bottle on the totem pole wasn't bad enough, getting put below the mother only adds salt to the wound. Perhaps you could sit down with him and ask him what type of relationship he expects or wants you to have with his mother. Ask him what role he wants her to play your lives. If he says he'd like for you to be close to her, and he'd like to have her come visit for each holiday, you might want to point out that that is an unrealistic goal as long as he betrays you with her. So, what does he want? To be breastfed to the grave? Or to have peace with his wife?
For years my AH confided in his mommy about me. Man, what a dolt. I mean, he couldn't find one single friend to confide in, so he aided in helping his family hate me. Oh, but then he was distraught that we didn't all get along. Can't have it both ways pal. And his mommy was oh so eager to lick up every drop he fed her about me. She thrives on chaos, loves drama, gets excited when pouncing to the pulpit, relishes in signs of loyalty from her blood offspring, needs desperately to be needed, and taught the younger family to hate others through religion.
Not surprisingly, her own mother was very abusive and married to a raging alcoholic. And, I did I mention my mother-in-law's current husband is an alcoholic.
She defines codependency.
So, I didn't put much time into our roles, and instead focused on her as an individual for years. That didn't help me much, because my hatred for her festered and was not good for me.
I searched for ways to deal with him and his mommy.
We went to Christian counseling. The counselor instructed my AH to write an email to his sister and mommy, informing them that he had told me of his participation in gossip about me and also repeated what they (loyal Christians) had been saying about me. He told them that he loved me and would no longer participate in the backbiting, and repeated to them what the counselor had told him to write.
Well, it did manage to **** his mommy and sister off. I felt a little satisfaction, but not for long. While he may have slowed down on talking bad about me, they never stopped. In fact, it could have been desperation that lead to my MIL making stuff up about me. I can't tell you the absurd lies her own sisters have told me she spreads. Just evil.
So, I thought I could just be civil with her. But when I'd see her, she'd manipulate the conversation into something controversial. She's quiz me and then turn my words against me later, and say horrible things about me.
I've come to the conclusion that this woman's need to be needed is so strong, that she gets off on causing division between my AH and myself, just so she can feel closer or more important to him than me. It's insane. And by doing nothing, she continued to get her kicks, and I continued to stress out.
I'm now 40. I stopped speaking to her last November. She invited herself to visit about 3 weeks ago. I was either gone or in the bedroom when she was here. I refuse to speak to her, period. She is dead to me. I have no room in my life for anyone actively wishing to cause me harm. We're going there to visit in 2 weeks. Because she is so evil, we will be staying in a hotel. My husband may take the kids to her house during the day. But I will not go to her house. I don't care who gets upset anymore. But it ain't me. I don't care whose feathers get ruffled anymore, but it's not mine. I don't care if people think I'm making a statement. They can think whatever they want.
For YEARS my AH used to insist we visit with her, and then put me down in front of her or speak to me in ways he'd never do if she weren't around. He used her like his shield to me. She was mortified when we moved in together prior to marrying. I was 26, he was 34. She was pregnant when she got married at the ripe age of 19. She had an affair on her husband. How the hell did she get put into a position of moral, godly authority?
Anyway, sorry this is so long. I liken dealing with my mother-in-law like playing with the tar baby. Best not to play with it at all. Every time you do, you'll get stuck. If yours is like mine, she'll cry to your AH if she thinks you're being mean to her. If you confront her, she'll race at the challenge to prove to you that his loyalties are to her. She'll relish to find out you fought over her.
Remember that you always have choices. I didn't think I did. I listened to my AH tell me what I should and should not do. You have a right not to be around his mother. It's his fault you two are at odds. If the consequence is that he doesn't get to have a warm, happy family, well that is the price he'll pay for his loose lips and disloyalty. These "men" need to grow up and cut the apron strings.
I used to not dare say a negative word about AH's mother to him. It would have been a sin to speak of the saint to him in such a manner. When I finally had enough, I told him I can't stand her and won't be around her anymore. I really told him exactly what I thought of her. Helped me at least, and definitely let him know how I felt about her.
My faults were inaction, passivity, lack of figuring out the roles we were in, taking things personally, listening to my AH instead of myself. I do what is right for me.
Good luck to you. I know the pain of feeling his disloyalty. As IF being put below the bottle on the totem pole wasn't bad enough, getting put below the mother only adds salt to the wound. Perhaps you could sit down with him and ask him what type of relationship he expects or wants you to have with his mother. Ask him what role he wants her to play your lives. If he says he'd like for you to be close to her, and he'd like to have her come visit for each holiday, you might want to point out that that is an unrealistic goal as long as he betrays you with her. So, what does he want? To be breastfed to the grave? Or to have peace with his wife?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Milwaukee WI
Posts: 137
Respectingme...yes you hit it all on the head. I asked him about it, he says she helps him with things...I said you need to find someone else to talk to. Because like I stated in my first post is that....the things he told her, or she "thought" she saw when in MY home were used against me to somehow explain why her son drinks the way he does. Her son is killing himself with alcohol and she just justifies what he is convincing himself of...that it must be his mean, cranky wife that makes him feel so bad he needs to drown himself in booze. I know that is why he runs to her because he knows she will pacify him and make him feel that he is right about things.
I too also told him that is was his behavior that caused this situation between his mother and I. I too will go back to the no contact rule with her...this is the 3rd time she has burned me...not again. As if it isn't bad enough that he talks with her about me...this "code" word thing is nothing short of disgusting to me.
I was talking with my older son about it and he said, I think it's time to get a divorce...it is getting too toxic to everyone else in the family, it's not worth it. One of the biggest reasons I stay is our youngest daughter is only 8 and at least if I am here with him, I can supervise and control what he does with her (he is not allowed to drive with anyone in our family because we never know how much he has been drinking, since on his off days he can start at 6AM) he could never have unsupervised visitation with her while he is still drinking. I am also trying to finish up my college classes so that I can get a decent job with health benefits so I won't need to depend on him...so I am trying to work towards something.
Well...my post might be just as long as yours...
I too also told him that is was his behavior that caused this situation between his mother and I. I too will go back to the no contact rule with her...this is the 3rd time she has burned me...not again. As if it isn't bad enough that he talks with her about me...this "code" word thing is nothing short of disgusting to me.
I was talking with my older son about it and he said, I think it's time to get a divorce...it is getting too toxic to everyone else in the family, it's not worth it. One of the biggest reasons I stay is our youngest daughter is only 8 and at least if I am here with him, I can supervise and control what he does with her (he is not allowed to drive with anyone in our family because we never know how much he has been drinking, since on his off days he can start at 6AM) he could never have unsupervised visitation with her while he is still drinking. I am also trying to finish up my college classes so that I can get a decent job with health benefits so I won't need to depend on him...so I am trying to work towards something.
Well...my post might be just as long as yours...
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
Originally Posted by stillsearching 
I had not talked with his Mom for several months, after the last e-mail she sent to me listing all the things she "observed" that I did or said to my husband while she was visiting, that she felt might be causing his drinking. I talked with her in June and she went on and on about she wanted us all to be a family again, and that she missed me so much and thought about me every night before bed.
.
My personal opinion is parents have no place in their childrens marriage.
And children have no place in mommies house when they have families of their own.
I would be reminding her of all the things you "observe" that make her personally responsible for upheaval in your family and demand she stop. After all, people will walk all over us if we let them. That's where a nice wide boundary line comes in real handy.
He drinks because he chooses to. He owns his drinking problem, not you.
I am sorry you have to go through feeling like you're being ganged up on. It's mean.
I don't know why some mothers just have to have their hands in everything thats none of their business.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 596
This may sound hard to believe, but I think my mother-in-law benefits from her son's drinking. She gets to be the comforter. "yes sonny, I know she's a big, bad, horrible wife. I know it's so difficult being married to her. She doesn't clean the house for you like I did when you're growing up. You can count on me dear."
Your AH's mother may be sabotaging him as well. If he were to own up to his responsibilities as a husband and a father, and do it while being sober and working the program, she would no longer be an immediate family member. And she probably wouldn't like that much.
Your AH's mother may be sabotaging him as well. If he were to own up to his responsibilities as a husband and a father, and do it while being sober and working the program, she would no longer be an immediate family member. And she probably wouldn't like that much.
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