Friends
Friends 
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
I am still in contact with my ex. We have our adult daughter in common, and I'm very close with my ex's Mom. My ex is _not_ a friend. A friend is somebody I trust, somebody who I know is responsible and that I can depend on if I should need help. That is totally not my ex. I am civil to her, and respectful. But that's it. Lots of other people in the world who are my friends and have shown it over the years.
Mike
Mike
Live, Laugh, Love
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Between Fenway and the Beach!
Posts: 1,301
(((Mair))), you know my story all too well. Nope no contact. Learning it's for the best, my friend Bruce said this morning, "there are lots of fish in the sea Heather, throw that line out there and reel them in"!! I know easier said than done
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 178
If the disease progressed and he was totally pathetic, physically failing and mentally falling apart, and couldn't be sober I don't think I could ever want to see him again.
But, given enough time apart to heal/recover and it would depend on AH and his recovery. If he achieved sobriety for at least one year and truly working it, I might consider contact as friends for auld lang syne if we happened to live in the same area. There was a time in our life when we did love each other and enjoy each other's company. We did have fun together too.
I would think no more than once or twice in a year, daytime meeting only, no sex, no contact at my residence or his, none of his friends or family along. I would consider maybe going to dinner or some other public special event like a street fair, concert or music event, outdoor art show charity picnic or something like that in the daytime. It would be just the two of us to talk awhile, walk awhile, joke awhile, enjoy a moment in time alone, but in a public place. No tears, no regrets for love and dreams lost, just the moment, with no promise for the future. Maybe a hug when we parted but no kiss, no goodbyes, maybe just a "it was nice to see you again, maybe we'll do it again sometime." The moment would be over and nothing more. For at least another year or so.
But, given enough time apart to heal/recover and it would depend on AH and his recovery. If he achieved sobriety for at least one year and truly working it, I might consider contact as friends for auld lang syne if we happened to live in the same area. There was a time in our life when we did love each other and enjoy each other's company. We did have fun together too.
I would think no more than once or twice in a year, daytime meeting only, no sex, no contact at my residence or his, none of his friends or family along. I would consider maybe going to dinner or some other public special event like a street fair, concert or music event, outdoor art show charity picnic or something like that in the daytime. It would be just the two of us to talk awhile, walk awhile, joke awhile, enjoy a moment in time alone, but in a public place. No tears, no regrets for love and dreams lost, just the moment, with no promise for the future. Maybe a hug when we parted but no kiss, no goodbyes, maybe just a "it was nice to see you again, maybe we'll do it again sometime." The moment would be over and nothing more. For at least another year or so.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Out on a MTB trail somewhere
Posts: 202
Sure it would be great if my ex-rabf and I could be friends. But the operative word here is COULD & WOULD. It's not my place to take my ex-rabf's inventory so I can't speak to if he could or couldn't. I can only speak for myself...and for me I'm sure I could be friends with my ex-rabf but at what cost to me? I have not been shown any signs through behavior or otherwise from my HP that my ex-rabf would treat me today as a friend any differently than he treated me when we were in (what I thought was) a committed relationship, or for that matter that he even wishes to be friends with me. Now WOULD I be friends with my ex-rabf? Well I am a recovering Codie, so yes there is still a part of me that will always want to jump at the chance to make, have, and keep friends just for the sake of wanting people to like & validate me rather than they are people who are worthy of my friendship. So that is my battle everyday, just like the Alcoholic battles each day to not take that drink.... I battle that Codie part of me that would jump back into being friends with my ex-rabf if he were to say "I want to be friends again". My HP has shown me that it currently is not a safe place to be. As I grow in my program and spirituality maybe that will change. However, I have very recently come to fully realize and accept that continued focus/dwelling on if we could/would ever be friends only serves to keep me stuck from continuing on in the amazing progress I have already made.
let it grow!
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 15,540
i left my daughter's dad and never had any contact - except through attorney. all visits with daughter were held at his parent's house and i'd drop her off/pick her up there when he was not there. he had no overnight or driving priviledges with her. he drank up to the day he was admitted into intensive care with alcoholic liver poisoning and died 2 weeks later.
any contact from me would not have changed a thing.
blessings, k
any contact from me would not have changed a thing.
blessings, k
Fool To Do Your Dirty Work
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Greenflower Street
Posts: 362
((Mair)) - easy to do....clutching at straws, that is....i am guilty too... i told XAF last week that if he wanted to call very occasionally, sober, and have a "normal" conversation, catch up on our families, etc (we were engaged and together for 3 1/2 yrs), that would be ok...but asked him to please, please not call me when he is drinking...this was my first opportunity to talk to a "not drunk" (i won't reach and say sober) him since I left him in April...i feel ok with that. if i answer the phone and he is drunk, i will simply hang up and turn it off.
i told XAF last week that if he wanted to call very occasionally, sober, and have a "normal" conversation, catch up on our families, etc (we were engaged and together for 3 1/2 yrs), that would be ok...but asked him to please, please not call me when he is drinking...this was my first opportunity to talk to a "not drunk" (i won't reach and say sober) him since I left him in April...i feel ok with that. if i answer the phone and he is drunk, i will simply hang up and turn it off.
I Finally Love My Life!!!
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: New England
Posts: 648
You know, I don't instantly trust people these days, and that's not a bad thing. I let others earn their trust first, and then I open my boundry gate and let them in when they have shown in actions they are trustworthy.
XABF...at this point, I don't think there are any actions great enough to prove to me he is trustworthy enough to be a friend.
Friends don't lie, manipulate to get $ out of you, then toss you out like yesterday's news when it's time for them to be supportive of you.
Being a codie has also opened my eyes to what a friend should be. Most of my friends "needed" me in some way and they were usually unbalanced with me as caretaker. I used to think friendship was engrossed in someone who needed me and would stick around because of that and I ran myself ragged doing and doing and doing for others, to keep others around.
Consequently when I began to recover from codie-ism, these needy friends don't call since I've stopped calling them. The people in my life are changing from unhealthy needy individuals, to people who are my friends, because they genuinely like me as a person. If I cancel plans because I need time for me, or if I say "No", guess what...they are okay with that, because they are true friends.
XABF - he wouldn't be able to understand the concept - not saying all A's are like that...but my ex...no way, no how.
XABF...at this point, I don't think there are any actions great enough to prove to me he is trustworthy enough to be a friend.
Friends don't lie, manipulate to get $ out of you, then toss you out like yesterday's news when it's time for them to be supportive of you.
Being a codie has also opened my eyes to what a friend should be. Most of my friends "needed" me in some way and they were usually unbalanced with me as caretaker. I used to think friendship was engrossed in someone who needed me and would stick around because of that and I ran myself ragged doing and doing and doing for others, to keep others around.
Consequently when I began to recover from codie-ism, these needy friends don't call since I've stopped calling them. The people in my life are changing from unhealthy needy individuals, to people who are my friends, because they genuinely like me as a person. If I cancel plans because I need time for me, or if I say "No", guess what...they are okay with that, because they are true friends.
XABF - he wouldn't be able to understand the concept - not saying all A's are like that...but my ex...no way, no how.
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