Opus2

It's been an interesting day. I took my daughter to visit my mom and her boyfriend, have lunch and enjoy the weather. They have been very supportive - mom divorced my Dad after 28 years of marriage, a few years ago and has seemed much more relaxed, happy & comfrtable with her boyfriend, then I can ever remember her being with my dad. In many ways she is a different person from when I was growing up. Well in discussing my separation from my wife, my mom said after I was about a year and a half old she realized she was not compatible with my dad. She felt maipulated and bullied by my dad - he was often angry and short with her when he would get home from work. She went to her parents and told them that she was going to file for a divorce, she could not talk to my dad or reason with him, and after 5 years of marriage she wanted out. But my grandparents told her she was crazy to leave, it was unfair to me, she could never make it on her own, etc. ... and she had to 'make it work.' So, my mom told me today, she spent the next 23 years trying to 'make it work.' And I grew up in a house of anger, where my mom was keeping a big secret and everything was 'just fine.' Puzzle pieces are starting to fall into place. For a couple months in high school, I was feeling down and depressed and my parents had me see a therapist, after all with everything 'just fine' why was I having a problem? I have to believe they were the ones who should have been in therapy, and the therapist should have told me that I was acting out my mom's secret.

Right now I feel like I"m about to break down into tears .. which wouldn't be a bad thing. Why did I take on their pain? Why didn't I call it like I saw it and must have felt it -- "You guys hate each other! You say everything is fine but you are always angry just below the surface! Our family is a farce and you both know it, F you." Instead I decided it was my job to guard the secret, please everyone around me, and maybe if they were all happy, I would be too. Didn't work out that way ...

I realize now you don't have to be raised by alcoholics to be ACOA -- if your parents' marriage was dead and they pretended it was fine so they could get through each day, you can have all the same symptoms. I don't know if this is progress or what (!) but what I am learning on this board is pretty much priceless. And it feels good to type to all of you too ... ok here come the tears! Bastards!!

O2 (sad but ok)

GingerM

Because you were not an adult yet. Because this was "normal" in your family. Because you had been trained to keep your eyes down, your mouth shut and your ears closed. Because you didn't have the tools you needed to sort out what was going on around you yet - you were still learning social skills (most social development happens in our teen years).

Because if you HAD said all that, do you think either of them would have believed you or done anything about it anyway? When I finally said it to my parents when they were in their 60s, both absolutely denied it (and still do). It would have made your life more miserable. And the part of your brain that was learning to protect you in that toxic environment knew it, and continued to protect you from the fallout of that.

Now those tools that kept you so well protected while you lived through it aren't really applicable to the people around you. Now is when we have to learn the tools we wish we could have learned at home, but couldn't because the tools for dealing with healthy people simply don't work on toxic people.

Let the tears flow. They cleanse.

(hugs) to you Opus.

DesertEyes

Hey there O2

That's awesome that your Mom was able to discuss her reasons with you. My folks never got past the "everything is fine" stage.

well... I dunno about you, but when I was a child in my own "toxic family" I had the emotional and intellectual development of a child. I _really_ did not know there was any other kind of family. It wasn't until my mid-teens that it finally "clicked" that my family was different than others.

Much like you have described, I spent a lot of time blaming myself for not taking on a more adult role when I was a child. I had this one therapist that pointed out to me that by having that expectation of a child, I was doing to myself the exact same kind of damage that my parents did to me. If I truly wanted to heal, I would have to start treating my own expectations of my childhood as a healthy parent would; with compassion and understanding.

I did that too. Didn't work for me either. In all fairness, what other options does a child have in a toxic family?

Yes it is. You have broken thru your _own_ denial That is 90% of the battle.

That's good too. There's something called the "stages of grief", which says that we all have to experience a certain set of emotions in the process of recovering from a trauma or a loss. Acceptance is one of those, which you have just done. Anger and pain is another one. So yes, you are well on your way to recovery.

Mike

ICU

So very true. My parent's weren't alcoholics either. But, the effects of their dead, and 'toxic' relationship sure took it's toll on me.

I was the youngest of 3 and for some reason took on the responsibility of 'peacemaker' at about the tender age of 4. Then I would repeatedly get beat for it. I decided not to have children because of what I had experienced with my parents, and then seeing my brother repeat the same pattern.

My older brother and sister slept upstairs, but I was downstairs with my parents. I heard, and saw far too much for a small child to deal with. Children are not equpped to deal with such adult issues. Nor should they be. I didn't learn that 'our family' was different than others until much, much later in life.

Your insights are guiding you in the right direction. It can be painful, but I can tell you from experience that once you make it through to the other side, it's worth going through it.

Opus2

It feels so good to start taking this weight off my shoulders, I think you can all understand ... it's like this tremendous strain or pressure, it's always there but in the background, and when I read your posts and think about my life it just feels so incredibly lightening ... ICU as I just read your comments I had a huge well-up of emotion, thank you for sharing that. There is a possibility that I am going to let myself off the hook for all the regrets in my life, all the wrong turns (or lack of turning at all), and I can really see it. To actually say to myself, Everything was *not* fine growing up, and I have *not* been emotionally or even physically able to act in a healthy way in my own interests, there is so much power in that. Because it opens up the distinct possibility that I really am a good person, not a lazy, procrastinating, wavering, selfish, fillin-the-blank person, and I have a lot of really positive loving things ahead in my life -- this is the greatest feeling.

You guys are really good!!

O2

ICU

The very first person I forgave was 'myself'. After I learned how to do that, I began entertaining the thought of forgiving others. I struggle with it for sure, but bit by bit it's happening.

I hope you realize just how 'huge' of an awareness that really is. You're well on your way.

Just a hint...sometimes in the process we take 2 steps forward and one step back. Just recently I took 2 steps forward and 3 steps back, but that was only temporary. My point is to just be aware that progress is not all full steam ahead. Sometimes there are some set backs along the way. It just means we need to spend a little more time there than maybe we had wanted to. It'a all good though.

You're more than well on your way! Good for you!

duet_4-8

I just recently realized the same thing, although my situation is somewhat different. And it is progress, even though it is painful. I am 50 years old and my life is just now beginning to make some sense to me.

SR has been a huge support for me, too! Welcome to the family!

an'ka

No, you don't have to be a child of an alcoholic to be a perfect codependent. Personally, I never knew my alcoholic father--they divorced when I was five--but my mother ruled with an iron fist and expected me to do everything by the book. We were not emotionally close, there was no hugging or kissing with mom... Boy, I sure learned my lessons! I had to do things perfectly in order to get approval. That's a tough thing to unlearn and I am struggling with that, but like others said, it's all about positive baby steps.

Opus2

Thanks everyone for your thoughtsand comments, its been a pretty intense week, but alot of good work is happening. It's kind of cool to realize you're stronger than you thought you were.
-O2