Mlynn

Alot of you know my story. I have been coming too these boards for over a year now I think....so many of you have seen my progress. Alot of you know that I could never afford therapy because I never had insurence - and I had alot of trouble keeping a job because of my issues with harming and sabotaging myself. I was always tought that I deserved to suffer - so I made myself suffer - much more then any person should really have to in one life time.

My progress is coming along OK. I'm still really really scared of moving forward. Really scared of failing. Really doubtful of myself. I hear the old records playing in my head anytime I get close to something I want. Sometimes I still sabotage myself - sabotage my indapendance because of how afraid I am to fail. Failure has always been inevitable. There hasn't been much that I havn't failed at. Trying to work my way out of that way of thinking is hard. My panic and anxiety attacks have lessened. I havn't had one for a long while. Things at my parents have hit a plataue - things aren't too crazy right now (we all know that won't last long) - but I'm not really home that often either. I'm usually too buisy with work to sit and think about my issues - even though I need to confront them. I often feel like two diffrent people. The happy, confident, got it all together person that I project to people (and sometimes believe that I am) and the terrified little girl who is afraid and ashamed of the person who she is and the things that she has seen and done that will make others stop loving her if only they knew. Keeping yourself a secret is tough. Living in fear of being found out for who you really are is pretty intense. Sometimes I want to isiolate myself still - so i won't let others too close to me - but I realize that that is a survival tatic that is no longer useful to the adult me who can make her own choices. I am starting to be more open and honest with people about who I am and about my issues. I don't know If I will ever really fully open up to anyone but it's a start.

Anyhow - the past sevral months I have been working like mad to get myself out of the hole I dug - for myself. I started paying off debts - 1 debt is totally paid off. I have 2 more debts to go. Then I will be able to start building credit and saving.

One other possitive - is that I qualify for insurence through my work. I have been holding steady emotionally, physically, and financially after learning some new skills through this board and other ACOA means of self help. I am realistic enough to know that is not enough to become totally healthy - but it's a start. I am going to get insurence with in the next month.

Does anyone know if Insurence covers therapy? And how does it work? Will your employer have access to your medical records if they are paying for your insurence? Will something show up in thier statement? The answer is probibally no but just in case. I want to keep the fact that I am in therapy as something that only trusted individuals are told. My family obviousley aren't in that group - neither are random co-workers. I was also told that insurence company's aren't obligated to cover pre-existing conditions. I have never been to therapy, a hospital, or mental health unit before in my life for my ACOA issues. So would it still be considered a pre-existing condition if I have never been "treated" for it before? Would the fact that I have suffered with this "condition" sence birth because of childhood trauma exclude me from insurence coverage. Would ACOA's be considered a "mental health" issue even if I am not clinically depressed or mentally ill? If not will "health" insurence still cover it?

GingerM

You'll have to call your insurance company and ask them (they are held to strict confidence). You don't need to ask them anything more than do they cover mental health and do they have "in group providers" or can you go to whomever you choose. If your insurance doesn't cover it, there are many therapists who work on a "sliding scale" meaning that they'll charge you based on your income and not a flat rate. Therapy doesn't have to be outrageously expensive - that's really more a Hollywood Drama thing than reality.

Unless you make a disability claim, your employer NEVER has access to your medical records of any sort - mental or physical health. They only pay the premium, they do not get statements of how much of your benefits you use, those statements will go to your mailing address.

I urge you to tell your supervisor, for two reasons. One is that trying to keep a secret like that is harmful emotionally - it continues to perpetuate the "don't let anyone know" mentality. You can make a simple statement that your family was toxic and you will be seeing a therapist on a (weekly/monthly) basis. This also makes your supervisor (normally) more open to when you ask for that time off to see the therapist. Therapy is no longer viewed as something "only crazy people need". Lots of people go, even people who aren't ACoAs. You can ask him/her at that point to not share the information with anyone else.

Pre-existing conditions do not apply to mental health coverage. The insurance companies do this so that if you have cancer or need blood transfusions or whatever, you don't sign up with them, then start "using all their money" right away. It's the insurance companies way of not having to pay for things. Insurance is a total racket IMO, but that's a whole different rant.

ACoA's have many diagnosable issues - depression and anxiety being the two most common. I am "diagnosed" as Generalized Anxiety Disorder, but if you read the diagnostics for GAD, I don't really fit it. Since there isn't a diagnosis that really applies directly to me, my therapist uses the catchall GAD diagnosis to bill the insurance company. Every therapist I know will find something that mostly fits you (like GAD) and use that as the diagnostic treatment code so that insurance pays for it. Therapists don't like insurance companies either, and they know how to get insurance to pay for what you need.

In all cases, both the insurance company and therapist are required to not release any of your information to anyone except yourself, unless there is legal cause to do so (if you're a threat to yourself or others) and then they only release the minimum amount necessary. No one except you and those you choose to tell will know.

I go to therapy once a month now. Everyone at my office knows I do this. I don't make any effort to hide it. Everyone knows my family background and that I'm trying to change myself for the better. Everyone supports me in my efforts. No one has ever complained about me being gone to those appointments, and everyone else pitches in to cover for me when I'm at those appointments. If you can find it in you to break the taboo of silence, you may find that many people become very supportive of you in this journey.

Oodles of encouragement from me. Therapy has helped me so tremendously much that I can't imagine how miserable my life would have been without it.

DesertEyes

Ginger said everything I was gonna say, but she said it better

I've had a few good therapists over the years, and they did me worlds of good too. You might have to shop around a little, they're kinda like plumbers, the good ones are worth keeping

Mike

GiveLove

I absolutely agree with everything Ginger said too. And I can't imagine how my life might have turned out if I hadn't worked through a lot of my "stuff" with a good, smart, kind-hearted therapist. The condition label I gave to myself wasn't "ACoA" but simply "Depression," and that was plenty. And anyone who cared to ASK me knew that once a month or so I was visiting with a therapist/counselor to help me process some issues that my childhood had left me with, and to help me become a stronger and wiser person. I forced myself to be open about it with anyone who was interested, but didn't broadcast it, any more than I'd broadcast a medical condition ("Have I told you about my broken uvula????" ) My insurance covered something like twenty-six visits at the time (god bless insurance) Good luck, MLynn!!!

GL

Mlynn

Thanks everyone. I have been thinking seriously about having the conversation with my boss. I have been working like mad this week so I haven't had time to post. I am sort of afraid to tell my boss about my decision to enter therapy. I told my boss that I wanted to get insurence for another reason - and she went out of her way to offer me insurence that covered this other reason (dental). I do need insurence for this other reason but it is minor in comparison and I wouldn't have gotten insurence just for it's sake. How do i bridge the subject. Do I just tell her I would like to get into therapy (on top of this other reason)? I don't know yet if the plan includes "mental health" issues or not. I have been too afraid to ask.

I am not mentally ill. I know that. I am not depressed. I just have some stuff to work through relating to early childhood trauma - including panic and anxiety that might be related to Post Traumatic Stress. I don't think that makes me mentally ill - and I am afraid of the stigma and judgement that will be attached to the title. I WILL NOT be medicated under any cercomstance. How do I go about finding a therapist that will use cognitive behavioral therapy rather then attempting to drug away all my "problems". I am a firm believer that drugs are like a bandaid over a bullet hole. They only mask the symptoms but don't cure the problem IMO.
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I am just afraid to admit to someone else that I need therapy - especially someone with so much controol over my ability to care for myself. In the past when I admitted these things to others - they were used agianst me. My parents - espeically my father can't know I am getting therapy. Most of my family would use it to hurt me....especially my father. It's hard for me to accept that maybe I will be able to open up to someone and they won't usre this information in a way that will hurt me. That hasn't been my experience in the past. I need this job to work out (and indeed it has been) and I need job stability. I guess I am just afraid of being looked at diffrently. I am afraid of how this will effect my job stability and how it will effect my bosses oppinion of me as an employee and as a person. It's scary to be vunerable enough to admit to someone else that you need "help".

GingerM

If I were in your position, I think I would wait until the insurance goes into effect, then contact the insurance company to find out if they offer mental health coverage. If they don't, then there's no need to say anything to your boss. If they do, then I would simply state that you plan on seeing a therapist for some issues related to your past, and you may need to take some time off which you will make up for in whatever way you can. No need for details.

As for medication, when I was first diagnosed as having anxiety, like you, I refused medication. Looking back now, I wish I had done it a lot sooner. Medication by itself does not fix the problem. Medication in combination with a good therapist can help put you in a state of mind where you can actually do your homework (many therapists will assign you homework) and think about it without the anxiety interfering with your ability to reason. The "cognitive" part of CBT relies on your ability to reasonably and rationally think through your own behaviors. Without meds, I don't know if I could have done that at the beginning - too many triggers.

On my medication, I feel just like myself, except slightly less so. I'm not as easily startled, my triggers don't set off as quickly, my emotions are still there, my problems are still there, the things that set me off are still there, they are just a little more slow to get started - giving me that little bit of time to THINK before I start reacting.

Please don't rule out medications as a knee-jerk reaction. They can be very useful to your therapy and actually help speed the process up.

As for finding therapists who won't prescribe drugs, only licensed Psychiatrists can write prescriptions. Psychologists and other therapists can not. You must have a medical degree to be able to prescribe drugs. That being said, it is not uncommon for mental health professionals to recommend seeing a doctor about medications if/when they think it would be beneficial to their patient.