Do you ever get tired of taking care of yourself?

Old 08-17-2007, 11:41 PM
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Do you ever get tired of taking care of yourself?

I really am getting tired/resentful maybe of having to be the one to take care of myself. I understand the purpose and am working on it, but sometimes I just want someone else to want to take care of me besides family and friends.

When you are constantly caretaking, do you ever find yourself not even wanting to do for yourself? Tonight, for example, I just wanted to sit in my new recliner and have someone else make my tea. Instead I was a little bitter that it's just me here. It would be nice to have someone else ask how I'm doing and if there's anything they could do for me.

I had called my ex, too, but had to leave a voicemail. I just wanted to share my week and feel supported I guess. He doesn't usually return calls unless it's a few days later and convenient. I predict he'll call this weekend and want me to come over, but then again maybe not. I couldn't stick to the no contact because I don't want to. Honestly, I just want some attention and company. After getting myself worked up this week, everything came flooding back and I wanted to be taken care of for a change.

I don't really know where I'm going with this post. I just feel all over the place tonight. Going to sleep and let it go for tonight.
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Old 08-18-2007, 12:23 AM
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anyone tired of "taking care of themselves" is welcome to come over and do my laundry, wash my dishes, vacuum, paint, cook, shop, wash car, tune up car, etc, etc etc.
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Old 08-18-2007, 12:24 AM
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Yes...I do.
Then I realize I'd rather be alone
then to wish I were.

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Old 08-18-2007, 03:26 AM
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On the rare occasion when my house is empty I'm in heaven. Oh blessed silence!!!
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Old 08-18-2007, 03:30 AM
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Every so often I begin to get sentimental and miss how he'd make my coffee in the morning. Then I remember all the other little things he used to do, like coming home drunk, bringing his drug buddies over, yelling at the kids for .. being kids, getting us in debt and blaming me for not knowing how to mange money, name calling, belittling ~ and then I'm thrilled to make my own damn coffee!!!!!
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Old 08-18-2007, 03:38 AM
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Actually, I don't want anyone to take care of me. I like doing things for myself, and even when I am alone, I am never lonely. I am just too busy to be lonely.

I imagine that this came from my childhood, I was an only child, I spent most of my time alone, so, I devised my own system for entertainment, one that has warded off lonliness.

With that said, I do understand, and I hope today is a better day for you.
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Old 08-18-2007, 05:49 AM
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Hi,im not sure where this no contact came from.It doesnt come from any recovery program that i know off.Maybe its a personal opinion???????..recovery teaches me to come through the storms in my life,.If i used the no contact rule,i would never have the been blessed with the lessons that i have learned today!!!.
Do what you feel is best.I understand about wanting another to get me some tea,,doing things for me.Man,i cant imagin.....But acceptance is da key.When i pray im comforted,and have peace.
Thanks for letting me share,opinions{smile} and my experiences!!!!!
Today is a new day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Old 08-18-2007, 06:25 AM
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No I don't because I've realized that when I fall back into letting someone else take care of me I fall back into being a victim.

I'd rather live alone and pay my own bills because it seems the minute you get involved with someone else financially they want to control. I'd rather control my own finances.


And I'd rather make my own coffee. I can remember when the exA would make my coffee or tea but then I have to also remember when he drank, lied about his whole life, verbally abused me so my coffee tastes pretty good when I make it!

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Old 08-18-2007, 06:44 AM
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I've always taken care of myself and love it. If I were doing what you are now (which I've done back in the day LOL) I would ask myself why I'm going to a well that is dry. I absolutely understand wanting to share quality time with someone else, but why go to a source who can't give it? If I'm willing to only give myself crumbs, then that is what I will get.

It IS hard, az, I don't know what else to say.

Someone asked about no contact - that is about peace of mind and serenity for me. I maintain no contact because my life is better that way. You are the only one who knows if making contact brings peace and serenity to your life.

((()))
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Old 08-18-2007, 09:24 AM
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Sometimes I get tired of taking care of myself, but I also have the parent thing going on so I really don't get much time off from "taking care". I actually get uncomfortable when people do things for me. I need to work on that.. LOL!!

Like Denny I also benefit greatly from no contact. It's a good plan for me.
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Old 08-18-2007, 11:09 AM
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Thanks, everyone. When I reach out here, I always read something I needed to hear.

No contact really is best for my peace and serenity. I know that after the fact when the pain starts again. I need to get back to thinking what's best for me for the long term, not a quick fix. The reality is that I truly need to close the past for good.
I had a hard time this past week with things I couldn't control. Calling my ex and wanting to see him isn't going to change those things. I need to use the different tools I have forgotten in times of stress.

I can take care of myself and do it pretty well. Sometimes I just get tired and want someone else to do it for me, but I know I'm the one that can do it best.
I'm not a victim. I chose to get out of a bad situation and I need to remember why I am where I am today.

Another new start! At least I'm getting lots of practice.
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Old 08-18-2007, 12:35 PM
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I understand where you're coming from when you say you keep contact because you want to. Sometimes I think that by not calling you are still giving the A control. You do what you want to do. To me that says "it's all about you." I may be way off base, but then, I'm dealing with the same things you are dealing with. A's are so selfish, so into themselves, that any way we can make it all about us, I'm all for it.

It's really quiet around here this weekend, because my ABF thinks he's punishing me by not calling. I like quiet - I was an only child too. I was working today, driving around in the car and thinking how it's days like this that life is boring. But then two things came to mind. First, I think of the cruise we just got back from, toting him around everywhere, non-stop bar hopping, wondering when he would try to belittle me next, wondering when his temper would flare because of some imagined slight. OMG, it was awful at times. Compared to that the silence is golden.

The 2nd thought I had was that negative excitement is worse than the boredom. I need to figure out more ways to entertain myself, maybe go to a movie, or call some of my good friends.

It's all about you for a change -- keep thinking that.
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Old 08-19-2007, 11:38 AM
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Originally Posted by CBrown View Post
Sometimes I think that by not calling you are still giving the A control. You do what you want to do. To me that says "it's all about you." I may be way off base, but then, I'm dealing with the same things you are dealing with.
This exact thought was the kicker that made the FORCE to contact my XABF so strong on Friday night.

I got a little angry and I thought. "well he called me out of the blue LAST WEEK. WHAT THE HELL, WHY CANT I CALL?!?!?!"

and then i dialed. How stupid.

az, I know exactly how you feel. every friday & saturday night.
And the getting tired of taking care of myself. some mornings I say: why do I need to shave, or when I am really depressed, why take a shower??! (lol) no one is seeing me! I know its weird... but it happens.
I miss my ex so much. his touch. his everything. I wish I just knew how to love myself so I could fill that void myself. I dunno how to explain it. I just wish I didnt miss it so much.

Truthfully. I really have noone to comfort me... even in conversation. and when I do have conversations with people about my problems.. i feel like "why would they want to hear about this? and I feel stupid and like a crazy idiot. and then I just close up. all my "friends" are going through there issues... I don't even think to call them anymore. and its hard has hell coz I feel I am in this little box. all alone. and the walls are caving in.... and there is no other places to go except sit where I am and wonder if I am going insane.
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Old 08-19-2007, 12:01 PM
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Originally Posted by CBrown View Post
Sometimes I think that by not calling you are still giving the A control.
Only if I'm doing against him instead of for myself.
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Old 08-19-2007, 05:56 PM
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I would wager that your feelings of frustration have nothing to do with being tired of taking care of yourself and nothing to do with not having someone to wait on you and bring you a cup of tea. I would wager that you're frustrated with yourself for asking for something that you need from someone whom you just said was incapable of meeting that need.

You said you wanted some company, someone to talk to, someone to share your day with, someone to bring you a cup of tea, but yet you called someone whom you claim does not return your calls until several days later, when it's convenient for him.

This really isn't about a cup of tea or having to spend the evening alone. It's about you seeking support from someone whom is incapable of being supportive. It's about you knowing that no contact with your ex is the healthy thing to do but refusing to do what you know is best for you. It's about you not believing, truly believing, that you're worthy of more.

You say that you're tired of taking care of yourself and that's the root of your frustration. I say that you don't know how to take care of yourself and you believe it's somebody else's responsibility. You claim that you're taking care of yourself and moving on with your life, but your actions say otherwise. I'm going to coin a new phrase here and pose the following question:

Does that make you a "dry codie?" Just some things I'm throwing out there for you to think about.
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Old 08-19-2007, 07:02 PM
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Sometimes I just don't feel any better even if I do take care of myself. Maybe I don't know how to best take care to stop hurting.
I guess I don't really know how to heal. I'm stuck more often than not.

When I think I'm getting better, it's just a facade then I resort back to wanting something that isn't there. A dry codie trying to get water from a dry well. Yep!
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Old 08-19-2007, 07:15 PM
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A book my sister recommended called "Simple Abundance" by Sarah Ban Breathnach was very helpful to me when I was learning how to take care of myself. The next time you're at the library or the bookstore, pick up a copy for yourself. I think you'll find it helpful, too.
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Old 08-19-2007, 07:46 PM
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Originally Posted by aztchr View Post
Sometimes I just don't feel any better even if I do take care of myself.
Maybe try thinking about it a different way. Instead of taking care OF yourself, start learning to care FOR yourself - as in like and love yourself. As long as I wanted someone who treated me so badly it meant I thought so little of myself. All the bubble baths or massages in the world aren't going to make me feel worthy, though they are great ways to take care of myself as I learn to like me.

There are many resources out there to help accomplish this. Weren't you seeing a therapist at one time?
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Old 08-19-2007, 08:40 PM
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No, I never did see a therapist.

One thing that stands out in my thinking is that I'd like to be cared for or appreciated just for being myself, not for what I can give to others or help them with. I have a long history of being there for people when they need something, but then I'm left alone when everyone is fine. I want to be included, but not needed all of the time if that makes sense. That's why I'm drawn to people who I think need me or I think I can help.

I'm worth more than just what I can give, but others don't see me like that.
I'm the responsible, go to person, but when I need that from others, no one's there except family. I just haven't found the right match for me, yet.
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Old 08-20-2007, 06:06 AM
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(((aztchr))) I believe I completely get what you are saying. I am and have always been the "go to" person like you. I give until I bleed, then everybody gets through okay and I am left alone. But...when I am in pain, desperately in need of somebody, anybody to listen or help me....NOBODY...can even lift a finger in support. Instead, when I do get to talk to them, they listen for a little while, offer no support and then go on to talk about their issues! I have accepted and am working on changing the fact I have drawn all these people to me by my codie behavior.

But, because I have given til I bled so many times, I sometimes wish that somebody would do that for me! Listen to me for hours, come over when I needed it, make me tea, etc. I and I alone have always taken care of me-and sometimes I get on the pity pot and feel sad that I have never had a "caretaker" that would come and fix my problems for me!

But, what I am starting to understand is that in our codie behavior, we, or at least, I, give and try to fix and in my mind think that I will be loved and appreciated for all my efforts. But not so...just get used some more.

But the more I keep trying to take care of myself, the more I hope to attract people to myself that are not like the ones I have now...that understand about giving too, not just taking.

Just my thoughts....Never give up on taking care of you...no matter how strange it may feel sometimes.
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