xXBacktoBlackXx

Hey everyone. I apologize for not checking in or typing to posts in a long while. Honestly, I have gone back to my old ways a bit. I went to visit my good friend and a few nights ago, I got completely wasted. I only remember half the night. I ended up going into a pizzeria and sitting on a sober guy's lap whom I didn't know, kissing his neck, falling on the street with my best friend whom was also wasted, throwing up all over the couch and floor of someone's apartment, and drunk dialing people I didn't even know. I left a message on a kid's machine and he left me a voice mail saying not to call ever again and that he would call the cops if I did.

Ugh, I'm so frustrated. Now I just feel like I'm in a rut. I have felt this huge depression since that night. It doesn't help that since then, I talked to one of my friends whom wasn't even there that night; he called me crazy and an alcoholic and that I should attend rehab. I know that I am an alcoholic and that this person was joking but comments like this really hurt me. I pretended that I took it as a joke, when I didn't. I feel as if I've been receiving a lot of insults from people as of late and it's bringing me down. These people weren't even there that night and didn't hear about it from anyone...they just think that I have one too many screws loose. Thankfully, I have only gotten drunk once since the graduation party I went to (I posted about that party; I only had a few drinks that night but I was still dissapointed in myself). However, this past drunken night was so intense that it's enough to make me cringe just thinking about it.

I hope everyone here is doing well.

Dee74

hi B2B...

well, you know what you're gonna get, doncha ? LOL.
Geez you're way better than this R.
You are so *not* the sitting on the lap kinda tramp.

Apart from that, you need to do something, or this time at school is gonna be no better than the last, hon.

so whats the plan of action ? What are you going to *do* ?

D

Rowan

It's good to see you back. I'll be honest, I figured this would happen after the shot you had at the grad party recently. It was just a matter of time. I know because I've been there.
You got clean and sober before and you can do it again - you know by now what work needs to be done. Are you willing?
You're a young woman with so much promise. Give yourself what you deserve; sobriety, and happiness.
Keep coming back, B2B.

Jules62

Hey B2B,

Ok.I care about you very much-which is why I really have to say this.

When you look at yourself-that drunken girl-kissing some guys neck she doesn't even know, then throwing up all over someones couch-making drunken phonecalls-do you really think she's someone you want to know?

Of course your friends are telling you you have a problem and should go to rehab-they're right! I'm sorry-I know you already feel disgusted with yourself but as Dee said-you know this is all going downhill don't you?You're getting worse-and the next time will be worse still.God knows what could happen to you hon.You could pick the wrong guy and end up raped or murdered.You are so vunerable like that when you drink.

It isn't going to get better.I can promise you that-until you do something and I really want you to do something because I am, literally, scared for your life.I have always had a soft spot for you-and I still do.I don't want to see you throw your life away or possibly have it taken from you.Please make a decision to get some proper help-be it A.A or rehab or at least see a doctor.Please.

*hugs*

Jules xox

IO Storm

I got completely wasted. I only remember half the night. I ended up going into a pizzeria and sitting on a sober guy's lap whom I didn't know, kissing his neck, falling on the street with my best friend whom was also wasted, throwing up all over the couch and floor of someone's apartment, and drunk dialing people I didn't even know.

Hey..how did you know my story? I ditched my friends and took a guy..

I took him..my idea..to a secluded part of the beach..and at the critical

moment chaged my mind. I was so so fortunate that he backed off..and

walked me back to the club. I pulled stuff like this more and more as

the blackouts worsened. Oh, to be able to take back all those

phone calls...

This is when my riends started suggesting rehab..and I did go shortly

after. I had to..I OD'D...

I hope you consider this BB...sure wish you would.

Love,

IO

xXBacktoBlackXx

No, definitely not. If I was looking at this from an outsider's point of view, I would probably think to myself, "What a trashy girl". Not to say that's right but that's probably the immediate judgement I would think...

I really, really want to get clean and sober. I feel as if I'm willing. Then again, I thought I was willing last time. I'm hoping for the best.

Ay, this is the hard part. The last time I got clean and sober, I totally white-knuckled it and was a dry drunk as they say. I kept telling myself I would go to AA meetings, which never happened. I was so scared to go...so afraid of the people I'd run into there. Now, though, I think I've scared myself back into believing that I definitely have a problem...the only thing I have time for what with the new semester approaching is AA.

Ay, familiar story...horrible, huh?

Yeah...I convinced myself after that grad party that I was officially the type of person that could have 1 or 2 drinks and stop because on the night of that party, I was able to do just that...I think in the back of my head, I didn't really believe that but I convinced myself of it...enough to allow myself to spend a horribly embarrassing night on the town.

You're really right...I was trying to convince myself that people were just making annoying comments, especially since I only told them that I had gotten really drunk the night before, but I think they're trying to drop me a hint. I almost wish one of them would just say, Look I've seen you ridiculously wasted before and it seems like you really need some help. I hate the jokes from people...it makes me feel like they're laughing at a problem I have. I don't know.

I hope you've been doing well, Jules. How's sobriety been treating you? Thanks for your concern. I appreciate it.

Dee74

yeah...thanks b2b - I'm fine too. hmph.

LOL.

really good to see you - I'm looking forward to seeing you around more.

I knew you'd know what needs doing...just woulda been failing Friendshop 101 if I didn't make a bit of noise, you know?

we all really do care.

D

xXBacktoBlackXx

D, Well of course I want to know how you're doing as well. LOL.

Ay, this whole sobriety thing is just so hard!!!!

Dee74

lots of love and support here tho, hon.
None of us really do it alone, you know

D

Jules62

Hey sweetie,

I know I sounded a bit harsh-but truly-it's only that I care so much.You and I came to SR around the same time and I always felt connected to you.I so want to see you sober and having a fulfilling life.

The good thing about being here is none of us will laugh at you-we all get it and we know what a struggle it is.I know that 'you' are not that trashy person-I've never pictured you that way-that's why it breaks my heart to hear you've been acting that way-and I know you really don't want to.You are so much better than that hon.

I so understand about wanting your friends to say something-to notice-in a real way-not a joking way.I wanted my family to as well-and they didn't.It all came down to me making the decision and getting the help I needed before it got worse.

I know you can do this.It takes courage-but I just know you have it in you.You are a lovely soul with a terrible addiction.I so want to see you free of it.

Sobriety is treating me well for the most part!The cravings are much less-but I've had a lot of emotions to deal with.I'm seeing a counsellor next week which I think will help too

Sending you much love,

Julesxox

xXBacktoBlackXx

Just thinking about this is so frustrating. I feel comfortable here because it seems like lots know what it's like to hit the lowest of the lows.

What with my unfortunate lifestyle change (well...to put it bluntly, progressive alcoholism), I've also let people back into my life that probably shouldn't be there. It's almost as if when you change your life for the worse, toxic people sniff it out and think you'll take them back in, and unfortunately, sometimes you do. My self-esteem has really been shot a bit. I'm friends with someone that really screwed me over and always calls me crazy and I'm starting to believe it.

Ay, the scariest part about Monday night was that it only took me an hour to completely black out.

stone

Its nice to see you back B2B. So when's your first meeting?

xXBacktoBlackXx

Thanks. =) I don't know when my first meeting is...I know I should be looking it up right now.

Ugh, I just feel like complete and utter crap. I put the Amy Winehouse quote in my AIM profile ("I don't ever wanna drink again. I just need a friend"). Sometimes I feel like I want everyone to just be sure I have a problem so that they will give me a hug or be understanding...instead of looking at me as this crazy girl.

L Ron Hoover

It's nice to see you back, but I wished you'd never have left.
Like Stone said- Got a meeting planned soon, like today?

Welcome back.

LRH

Dee74

yeah like Jules said b2b...sometimes other people just *won't* notice - either we're too good at hiding it, or maybe they're not able to face the reality either....

we have to make the first steps ourselves. But like I said, you're never alone

love ya
D

stone

People dont know how to deal with it. They dont understand it and it scares them. You have hugs and understanding here as a start!

rabye

sweetie dont give up!!!!! be strong and give it your best. its no good just resorting to alcohol when times r tough you know that, u know what is best so just do it, free yourself from this **** once and for all, we r all here to help and listen, but u must have the will to try, its no good trying and thinking its ok to let go, dont let go, DO NOT LET GO, MAKE IT HAPPEN STAY SOBER!!!!!!!

Rowan

I got to thinking, B2B, and you know what? I started blacking out regular when I was 16 and when I was 19, in the military, I nearly got kicked out because of my drinking. I was ordered to dry out, immediately, and remain that way for the duration of my posting. It was another month or two, but I did it. As soon as my posting ended, I went back to it with a vengeance. It never even OCCURRED to me to get help. I gotta remember that. And here you are, not much older than I was, and you're looking at your life and thinking hard about cleaning it up.
I waited until I was 33 to start going to AA meetings. I'll be 40 soon, and after a couple years here and there of sobriety, I feel like I'm getting a handle on things, and have some solid sober time.
When we're young, we don't always think 'what will it be like when I'm 30 or 40 or 50?' cuz we're young, and feel kinda invincible,maybe. I know that I did. I figured I'd worry about the drugs and boozing and sex and stuff when I got older. But I lost a lot and it's taken a lot of time, and work, to start undoing the damage.
I don't wish I were 19 again, but I do wish I had taken better care of myself, that I had listened to those who had 'been there'.
BTW I love the song 'Rehab' you've turned me into a Winehouse groupie!
I hope you stick around this time. Stay connected to others who can guide you and treat yourself with the respect that you deserve.

Row

xXBacktoBlackXx

Oh demon alcohol,
Sad memories I cannot recall,
Who thought I would say,
Damn it all and blow it all,
Oh demon alcohol,
Memories I cannot recall,
Who thought I would fall a slave to demon alcohol.

Barley wine pink gin,
Hell drink anything,
Port, pernod or tequila,
Rum, scotch, vodka on the rocks,
As long as all his troubles disappeared.
But he messed up his life and he beat up his wife,
And the floosies gone and found another sucker
Shes gonna turn him on to drink
Shes gonna lead him to the brink
And when his moneys gone,
Shell leave him in the gutter,
Its such a shame.

Oh demon alcohol,
Sad memories I cannot recall,
Who thought I would fall,
A slave to demon alcohol...

~ The Kinks

Dee74

first Amy now the Kinks?

keep up the good musical taste, and I might have to ask you to marry me b2b

LOL

D