crazy crazy crazy.....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: lyles Tennessee
Posts: 21
crazy crazy crazy.....
Well I have come to the conclusion that I am truly crazy....I was all fired up yesterday morning to just make this fool leave my home. Then I got a call at work, it was him telling me daycare had called, the baby had a fever. Nothing serious but she had to be picked up. Daycare rule is she has to stay home the next day too if she had a fever. Since I go in to work at 12:30 to 9:00 tonight he will come home at lunch and take over. She is doing fine but this has made me realize that I can't make him leave. I have written out 3 pages of "boundaries" that I will discuss with him tonight. Time will tell if he is serious, he knows I am mad at him, he has slept on the couch all week. AAAAHHH don't have to wear those stinkin earplugs...I love it!!
I have come to realize that I don't have it so bad.
1. I found out just recently.
2. He is on good behavior.
3. He has agreed to give me his paycheck.
4. He told his supplier to stop selling to him, or even talking about drugs.
I know......I know......I have been reading a LOT of what other people have posted.
It can and probably will get worse. He just replaced his pot smoking with coke snorting. What next? Who knows I don't care!! Is it ok to admit that I want to use him as much as he has used me? Use him as a babysitter when he is being good, use him to save money, those are the only 2 things that stop me from kicking him out. Even before the coke habit, I knew he smoked pot. I know I will never believe another thing that comes out of his mouth, about his using. But should I always go around just assuming that he has used that day? That would make me crazy! I have also toyed with the idea of asking to stay someplace else...just for a while....while I sort out how I feel about his drug using. Just an excuse to get him to leave for a while I admit, but it would give me a chance to see how this could work without him. My mom has agreed to pick the baby up from daycare in the evenings and bring her home. That probably won't last long as she is not very dependable. My mom has dysfunctions of her own to deal with.......lol. My mom is very needy and when I told her of abf's habit she coulden't stop talking about her problems. But she did agree to helping and I have to make her stick to it. Well enough for today. If anyone else has these childcare issues I would love to hear what you did. Thanks to EVERYONE who has given me advice it has shown me in the short time I have been here that I can get through this!
Gina
I have come to realize that I don't have it so bad.
1. I found out just recently.
2. He is on good behavior.
3. He has agreed to give me his paycheck.
4. He told his supplier to stop selling to him, or even talking about drugs.
I know......I know......I have been reading a LOT of what other people have posted.
It can and probably will get worse. He just replaced his pot smoking with coke snorting. What next? Who knows I don't care!! Is it ok to admit that I want to use him as much as he has used me? Use him as a babysitter when he is being good, use him to save money, those are the only 2 things that stop me from kicking him out. Even before the coke habit, I knew he smoked pot. I know I will never believe another thing that comes out of his mouth, about his using. But should I always go around just assuming that he has used that day? That would make me crazy! I have also toyed with the idea of asking to stay someplace else...just for a while....while I sort out how I feel about his drug using. Just an excuse to get him to leave for a while I admit, but it would give me a chance to see how this could work without him. My mom has agreed to pick the baby up from daycare in the evenings and bring her home. That probably won't last long as she is not very dependable. My mom has dysfunctions of her own to deal with.......lol. My mom is very needy and when I told her of abf's habit she coulden't stop talking about her problems. But she did agree to helping and I have to make her stick to it. Well enough for today. If anyone else has these childcare issues I would love to hear what you did. Thanks to EVERYONE who has given me advice it has shown me in the short time I have been here that I can get through this!
Gina
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((Confused))
Glad you are writing out your boundaries - that is a very good step - you might also want to look at consequences of crossing those boundaries when you feel like you are ready - Just in case in doesn't honor those boundaries in the future.
As far as the day care issue-I don't have that problem all my children are grown, but my only suggestion would be to maybe start looking for your different options in case this situation with your Mom doesn't work out. just keep your eyes & ears open for any possibilities that might become available
Always having a Plan B, options and choices in my life situations helps me feel not so trapped by my circumstances - There are things in my life that are out of my control, but having the ability to make choices, exercise Plan B's and go with other options helps me to Change the things that I can.
Wishing you Serenity & Peace,
Rita
Glad you are writing out your boundaries - that is a very good step - you might also want to look at consequences of crossing those boundaries when you feel like you are ready - Just in case in doesn't honor those boundaries in the future.
As far as the day care issue-I don't have that problem all my children are grown, but my only suggestion would be to maybe start looking for your different options in case this situation with your Mom doesn't work out. just keep your eyes & ears open for any possibilities that might become available
Always having a Plan B, options and choices in my life situations helps me feel not so trapped by my circumstances - There are things in my life that are out of my control, but having the ability to make choices, exercise Plan B's and go with other options helps me to Change the things that I can.
Wishing you Serenity & Peace,
Rita
Starry Girl
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Starry Night
Posts: 251
I don't know what to say. I'm glad you are setting boundaries but I feel as though you are knowingly putting your children in harms way.
Just because you make a list of rules does NOT mean he will follow them or that you will know if he breaks them. My husband had his check direct deposited into my account so he would not have access to the money....and then he would do side jobs at work to get cash for drugs. He eventually progressed to stealing things from his job to sell for drug money, he hocked his own stuff, he stole my credit card and fraudulently racked up $1500 charges. Just because your abf gives you his check doesn't mean he will not find money to use drugs with.
If you were interviewing baby sitters, and one of the people you talked to said, I use cocaine, I smoke pot, WOULD YOU HIRE THAT PERSON AS YOUR CHILDCARE???
You may think you are "using" him as much as he is using you, but in reality you need to look at the fact that you are leaving a two year old child with a known drug user and that YOU COULD GO TO JAIL for doing so. Your kids could be taken away.
I am going to be very, VERY honest. If I knew one of my neighbors were leaving their child willingly with a drug addict I would call Child Protective Services. Kids deserve safety, and just because you THINK he is staying clean doesn't mean he is...there is alot to staying clean and working a recovery.
I have an addicted husband and I have to make major adjustments so he is never alone with my son. I have to go out of my way to make sure my child has OTHER child care even if my AH is around and could watch him...even when he is clean. I will not risk my son's safety because my husband "says" he is ok.
You have to make the decisions you are comfortable with and everyone takes their own time to come to conclusions about what they will tolerate and what they won't. I just hope that you understand and can accept something really awful could happen to your baby even if you don't want to believe it.
Just because you make a list of rules does NOT mean he will follow them or that you will know if he breaks them. My husband had his check direct deposited into my account so he would not have access to the money....and then he would do side jobs at work to get cash for drugs. He eventually progressed to stealing things from his job to sell for drug money, he hocked his own stuff, he stole my credit card and fraudulently racked up $1500 charges. Just because your abf gives you his check doesn't mean he will not find money to use drugs with.
If you were interviewing baby sitters, and one of the people you talked to said, I use cocaine, I smoke pot, WOULD YOU HIRE THAT PERSON AS YOUR CHILDCARE???
You may think you are "using" him as much as he is using you, but in reality you need to look at the fact that you are leaving a two year old child with a known drug user and that YOU COULD GO TO JAIL for doing so. Your kids could be taken away.
I am going to be very, VERY honest. If I knew one of my neighbors were leaving their child willingly with a drug addict I would call Child Protective Services. Kids deserve safety, and just because you THINK he is staying clean doesn't mean he is...there is alot to staying clean and working a recovery.
I have an addicted husband and I have to make major adjustments so he is never alone with my son. I have to go out of my way to make sure my child has OTHER child care even if my AH is around and could watch him...even when he is clean. I will not risk my son's safety because my husband "says" he is ok.
You have to make the decisions you are comfortable with and everyone takes their own time to come to conclusions about what they will tolerate and what they won't. I just hope that you understand and can accept something really awful could happen to your baby even if you don't want to believe it.
Guest
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: MA
Posts: 145
Gina,
First and foremost, you need a hug!!!!
Next, I think I can speak for most people when I agree with wanting to use him as he has you. My BF hasn't used me, per se, just my heart and soul. I still secretly want him to hurt as bad as my heart still does. Unfortunately though it is not the right answer. The biggest thing that I needed to learn was that I cannot CONTROL him or his behavior. I could lay down the law till I was blue in the face and when push came to shove, I could've been speaking chinese.
My best wishes to you with trying to get his mother to stick to "helping". Pardon me if I am out of line, but it should not be your responsibilty to "help her stick to it". She should want to help her son.
I unfortunately do not have a child and I am sorry for your situation. Question, do you live by a college per chance? So many college students look for nanny jobs to be able to go to classes and still work. I would post something at a local supermarket/school etc. and see what you could get in terms of a sitter that way.
A wise woman said, "There is no point in staying angry. You spend all of your time walking around bitter at the person while the other individual is happy as a pig in sh** most of the time never knowing your feelings". God love, Oprah. I spent so much time yelling and hating him internally and for what? He would wake up the next morning and have no idea.
Save you and your baby first, Gina. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
First and foremost, you need a hug!!!!
Next, I think I can speak for most people when I agree with wanting to use him as he has you. My BF hasn't used me, per se, just my heart and soul. I still secretly want him to hurt as bad as my heart still does. Unfortunately though it is not the right answer. The biggest thing that I needed to learn was that I cannot CONTROL him or his behavior. I could lay down the law till I was blue in the face and when push came to shove, I could've been speaking chinese.
My best wishes to you with trying to get his mother to stick to "helping". Pardon me if I am out of line, but it should not be your responsibilty to "help her stick to it". She should want to help her son.
I unfortunately do not have a child and I am sorry for your situation. Question, do you live by a college per chance? So many college students look for nanny jobs to be able to go to classes and still work. I would post something at a local supermarket/school etc. and see what you could get in terms of a sitter that way.
A wise woman said, "There is no point in staying angry. You spend all of your time walking around bitter at the person while the other individual is happy as a pig in sh** most of the time never knowing your feelings". God love, Oprah. I spent so much time yelling and hating him internally and for what? He would wake up the next morning and have no idea.
Save you and your baby first, Gina. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Survivor
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 149
I agree with all the others about your child.....that child is your most precious possession and you are placing it in harms way....addicts are unpredictable at best and violent at worst......getting back at him or using him as you put it is not anywhere near as important as keeping your child safe......
Peace and
Peace and
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
(((Gina))))
Learning how to deal with active addiction is hard, hard, hard. It is the worst thing I've ever had to cope with.
The statements above are true.... I can't trust addicts. Not with my money. Not with my valuables. And certainly not with my children.
Sobriety can bring trust... but time takes time.
And I have done some "rule making" in my day... it failed miserably. I found myself in the role of jailer, doctor, advisor, and counselor to my addicts. Instead of the role I should have had.... loving mother or loving daughter.
Your job is to be the mom to those kids... and now, knowing what you know... probably a single mom.
That is a sudden reversal, I know. Time to find some resources... seek out friends, relatives and others who can help. This is not going to be easy.
You might want to check at some local women's shelters. They are used to dealing with this sort of situation and may be able to guide you to some resources you have not previously had to consider.
Please know the concerns for your baby are from those who have ALREADY walked the path you are on....
(((hugs))) I wish you the best.
Learning how to deal with active addiction is hard, hard, hard. It is the worst thing I've ever had to cope with.
The statements above are true.... I can't trust addicts. Not with my money. Not with my valuables. And certainly not with my children.
Sobriety can bring trust... but time takes time.
And I have done some "rule making" in my day... it failed miserably. I found myself in the role of jailer, doctor, advisor, and counselor to my addicts. Instead of the role I should have had.... loving mother or loving daughter.
Your job is to be the mom to those kids... and now, knowing what you know... probably a single mom.
That is a sudden reversal, I know. Time to find some resources... seek out friends, relatives and others who can help. This is not going to be easy.
You might want to check at some local women's shelters. They are used to dealing with this sort of situation and may be able to guide you to some resources you have not previously had to consider.
Please know the concerns for your baby are from those who have ALREADY walked the path you are on....
(((hugs))) I wish you the best.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
set yourself some goals. the boundries are good if you carry them out.you also need to know addicts have demons in the closet that keep calling them out even when they do not want to go. i do not know how safe it is to leave your children home with him.how old is the oldest? how mature? maybe u could find a job that will fit your schedule better or maybe a home job. prayers for you & your kids.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I must say that keeping an addict so he can take care of your child is truly out of the box for me. That would be not be an option, for me.
Cocaine is a powerful drug, when he stepped up to coke from pot he now has the white devil on his back. A monster that has tenacles that will destroy everyone and everything it touches.
Have you sat down and thought this through, or, are you just reacting?
Please keep your child as your priorty.
Cocaine is a powerful drug, when he stepped up to coke from pot he now has the white devil on his back. A monster that has tenacles that will destroy everyone and everything it touches.
Have you sat down and thought this through, or, are you just reacting?
Please keep your child as your priorty.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
I was raised by two addicts each trying to get back at each other, each in a marriage of convenience with the other because they weren't strong enough or motivated enough to find a better situation. They each "trusted" the other to take care of me (and my siblings).
Starting in pre-school and by the time I was eighteen, I had had to be in the same room with people doing hard drugs, had to listen to countless screaming arguments, had lived through years of the silent treatment, had been neglected, lost, beaten, molested (twice), and raped. It took me decades to get better.
You are trusting him with your kid's whole life. Don't put your child in his hands, just to get back at him. Don't let your baby become me, just because it's convenient.
I'm normally a pretty loving person....and I'm sorry if I sound angry. But because of my baggage, I am.
Starting in pre-school and by the time I was eighteen, I had had to be in the same room with people doing hard drugs, had to listen to countless screaming arguments, had lived through years of the silent treatment, had been neglected, lost, beaten, molested (twice), and raped. It took me decades to get better.
You are trusting him with your kid's whole life. Don't put your child in his hands, just to get back at him. Don't let your baby become me, just because it's convenient.
I'm normally a pretty loving person....and I'm sorry if I sound angry. But because of my baggage, I am.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Give Love,
I couldn't have said it any better. I was raised (more or less) by two alcoholics, it was pure h*ll. I still carry the scars today, at age 60.
I get real emotional when there are young children who are being used as a pawn or thrown into the hands of a person in the throws of addiction.
I wouldn't wish that on anyone.
I couldn't have said it any better. I was raised (more or less) by two alcoholics, it was pure h*ll. I still carry the scars today, at age 60.
I get real emotional when there are young children who are being used as a pawn or thrown into the hands of a person in the throws of addiction.
I wouldn't wish that on anyone.
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
I have to agree with MeggieStar. My first concern is children. What if he were snorting with the baby home? And the baby got the powder on her. And she got very sick and took her to the hospital where they find this substance in her, and they arrest you and him for child abuse. It happens ALL THE TME.
Please think of this before you let him watch the baby.
Please think of this before you let him watch the baby.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: lyles Tennessee
Posts: 21
OK.....OK......OK..... I got it!!!! I came home from work and I told him to leave, he is sleeping in his truck tonight and will be gone tomorrow. He did a lot of yelling and making promises just like everyone said he would. I told him to prove to me that he could get off the crap and go to counseling. He said he didn't want some stranger telling him what to do. Well so much for that!! Then he brought up his mother and asked what I would tell her, trying to lay the guilt trip on me, I know. I really like his mom and dad a lot, so I won't tell her I will let him tell her whatever he wants to. He tried to blame my girls for his problems and I told him it's not our problem. He chose not to use not us. I feel so much better about him not being here. I also quoted meggastar tonight about the part on interviewing babysitters, that really hit home. Thanks meggastar!!! You guys and gals have really given me the right words to turn my thoughts into actions and the strength to carry out those actions. God I hate doing this to another person but I am trying to teach the kids when you do something wrong there is a punishment and this is a great life lesson for them I think. The 7 year old cried some but I think she understands, the 13 year old does understand and the 17 year heck she is happier than I am!!! The baby doesen't understand yet, she is too preoccupied with the new litter of kittens!! Again thank you! Thank You! Thank You!!
Gina
Gina
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
Originally Posted by confusedwoman4
He tried to blame my girls for his problems
Starry Girl
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Starry Night
Posts: 251
Thank you for for thanking me! It is my sincere hope that other people don't have to go through what some of us here have gone through. I hope you can stay strong and stick to kicking him out and that your kids are better off for it! Hugs!
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