Vent coming - at your own risk!
It is what it is
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: NJ
Posts: 280
Vent coming - at your own risk!
I am so angry right now. Before I go on I realize it doesn't help me to be this angry but feelings are feelings and it will help for me to get them out by writing them down. Read on if you want to.
My abf left last night as I wrote in another thread I called "I'll share". In case you didn't read it I wrote that we had a small argument (he was drunk) and I ended the conversation with him and walked inside. The fight wasn't about anything at all really but he gets so angry with me and picks me apart so I just said the conversation is over. Went inside and he split within 2 minutes. I think he's using these mini disagreements to leave the house and stay out all night. I also said I'm suspicious of him doing coke (which he used to do months before he and I got together but has quit for at least 2 1/2 years now.) He did a stint for about 2 years. Always drank alcohol and now is a full on alcoholic. Either that or he's got a go-to-girl on the side. Something's up. He's too eager to leave the house for the night lately.
He never came home this morning and when I left with my girls at 8:45 a.m. still hadn't been home. I came to work, went to a dr. appt. and when I got back, I thought I should update him on the results as we are in a relationship. I tried calling a few times from 12:30 to 3:30. Went right to voice mail. Nice. I figured he worked this morning and then went home this afternoon to sleep off his hangover. He's done that before. He finally called at 4:00 p.m. and said he will not be attending our double counseling session with our therapist (alcohol specialist although we are there for couples' counseling). I told him fine. I mentioned how I couldn't get in touch with him today and he gave me some BS about how I know him and his phone, he was charging it, blah, blah. I said, no I've been calling since 12:30 p.m. in other words BS buddy. Then he said I had the phone on, off, you know. I said, no you always have your phone on during the day because of work. He said, "Actually I didn't do any work today." He sounded drunk. I said, "what are you drunk?" He said "Uh yeah I'm just coming down." Nice. So I said, "Well then I'll pick up our youngest from school because I don't want you driving her around drunk." He said, "Yeah that would be good." Then he said, "He was heading home." He also said, "That's all I wanted to say since anything else I say doesn't matter." Playing the martyr much? Poor him. We've had that conversation numerous times that when he's drunk everything he says is crap. Well, it is. So I said I guess not since you are drunk. I know, I know. It was wrong of me to rub it in but I am so shocked, disgusted, angry and unhappy with that irresponsible SOB. WTF!@!! So now I have to run around, pick up my daughter a town away from my job in the opposite direction, get to my other daughter 4 towns away before 5:30 when the school closes. Then I have to bring them home to the drunk because that is where we live. I have a sitter coming over at 5:45 because we have counselling and if we cancel that before 24 hours, we have to pay anyway. Plus I don't want to screw the babysitter who is counting on her money. I"m guessing that the idiot will go out or something while she is there or maybe for the night. I don't care what he does. He just blew two responsibilites not to mention the one to me all in one day. All because the love of alcohol. Nice. And I'm not supposed to be effected or get angry about this crap?
Jenny
My abf left last night as I wrote in another thread I called "I'll share". In case you didn't read it I wrote that we had a small argument (he was drunk) and I ended the conversation with him and walked inside. The fight wasn't about anything at all really but he gets so angry with me and picks me apart so I just said the conversation is over. Went inside and he split within 2 minutes. I think he's using these mini disagreements to leave the house and stay out all night. I also said I'm suspicious of him doing coke (which he used to do months before he and I got together but has quit for at least 2 1/2 years now.) He did a stint for about 2 years. Always drank alcohol and now is a full on alcoholic. Either that or he's got a go-to-girl on the side. Something's up. He's too eager to leave the house for the night lately.
He never came home this morning and when I left with my girls at 8:45 a.m. still hadn't been home. I came to work, went to a dr. appt. and when I got back, I thought I should update him on the results as we are in a relationship. I tried calling a few times from 12:30 to 3:30. Went right to voice mail. Nice. I figured he worked this morning and then went home this afternoon to sleep off his hangover. He's done that before. He finally called at 4:00 p.m. and said he will not be attending our double counseling session with our therapist (alcohol specialist although we are there for couples' counseling). I told him fine. I mentioned how I couldn't get in touch with him today and he gave me some BS about how I know him and his phone, he was charging it, blah, blah. I said, no I've been calling since 12:30 p.m. in other words BS buddy. Then he said I had the phone on, off, you know. I said, no you always have your phone on during the day because of work. He said, "Actually I didn't do any work today." He sounded drunk. I said, "what are you drunk?" He said "Uh yeah I'm just coming down." Nice. So I said, "Well then I'll pick up our youngest from school because I don't want you driving her around drunk." He said, "Yeah that would be good." Then he said, "He was heading home." He also said, "That's all I wanted to say since anything else I say doesn't matter." Playing the martyr much? Poor him. We've had that conversation numerous times that when he's drunk everything he says is crap. Well, it is. So I said I guess not since you are drunk. I know, I know. It was wrong of me to rub it in but I am so shocked, disgusted, angry and unhappy with that irresponsible SOB. WTF!@!! So now I have to run around, pick up my daughter a town away from my job in the opposite direction, get to my other daughter 4 towns away before 5:30 when the school closes. Then I have to bring them home to the drunk because that is where we live. I have a sitter coming over at 5:45 because we have counselling and if we cancel that before 24 hours, we have to pay anyway. Plus I don't want to screw the babysitter who is counting on her money. I"m guessing that the idiot will go out or something while she is there or maybe for the night. I don't care what he does. He just blew two responsibilites not to mention the one to me all in one day. All because the love of alcohol. Nice. And I'm not supposed to be effected or get angry about this crap?
Jenny
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Murrieta, Ca
Posts: 2,683
Plus I don't want to screw the babysitter who is counting on her money. I"m guessing that the idiot will go out or something while she is there or maybe for the night.
Just tryin' to lighten things up for 'ya.
Anyway,all I can say is (((sunshine)))
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Originally Posted by sunshine321 
And I'm not supposed to be effected or get angry about this crap?
From an outsider's perspective...I'm not at all sure why you continue with this relationship. He's obviously not in recovery; you're doing all the work trying to keep it all together; he's putting himself and your kids in danger; you're angry and stressed out and sick and sad and your health is going to start deteriorating soon if it hasn't already (mine did...I was thousands in debt to the healthcare system before I realized that it was the stress of alcoholism/addiction that was killing me). Why do YOU think you stay in such a situation? Are you setting boundaries for him -- and honoring them for yourself? I know you're just venting but I'm scratching my head a bit as to what could POSSIBLY be there for you and your children?
Peace,
GL
Recovering Nicely
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 935
(((Jenny)))
You really have your plate full. I don't know what to say except that I am sorry you are going thru all of this. Just remember though, you are a very strong woman (I can see that by your posts) and you can handle whatever comes your way. I'm not saying it will be easy, but you will pull thru it, become even stronger from it and someday ask yourself what are you keeping him around for (been there, done that). And I'm willing to bet it's not a girl on the side, it's coke (JMHO). I'll be thinking of you.
Terri
You really have your plate full. I don't know what to say except that I am sorry you are going thru all of this. Just remember though, you are a very strong woman (I can see that by your posts) and you can handle whatever comes your way. I'm not saying it will be easy, but you will pull thru it, become even stronger from it and someday ask yourself what are you keeping him around for (been there, done that). And I'm willing to bet it's not a girl on the side, it's coke (JMHO). I'll be thinking of you.
Terri
Hope you feel better after getting that out.
Sheesh!
It is what it is
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: NJ
Posts: 280
Glass - good thing I still have my sense of humor or I'll could have really stressed out from that statement.
That coke thing really scares me. I would be out of there in a second if there are any illegal substances. At least alcohol is legal although driving drunk isn't.
GL - I'm just not ready to go yet. I'm not strong enough. I've been through a divorce, had a new baby and moved my life to find out I"m living with an alcoholic. I"m only in recovery for about two months. I've only just figured out for sure that it's not me who's crazy. I just don't have the tools to get on with it yet. That's why I"m there. I feel like I'm standing with cement shoes on. I'll get there. I know I will.
Terri - Thanks a bunch. I'm strong just not strong enough yet. And thanks for your opinion about the coke. I"m keeping my eyes wide open regarding that.
Astro- Thanks.
Jenny
That coke thing really scares me. I would be out of there in a second if there are any illegal substances. At least alcohol is legal although driving drunk isn't.
GL - I'm just not ready to go yet. I'm not strong enough. I've been through a divorce, had a new baby and moved my life to find out I"m living with an alcoholic. I"m only in recovery for about two months. I've only just figured out for sure that it's not me who's crazy. I just don't have the tools to get on with it yet. That's why I"m there. I feel like I'm standing with cement shoes on. I'll get there. I know I will.
Terri - Thanks a bunch. I'm strong just not strong enough yet. And thanks for your opinion about the coke. I"m keeping my eyes wide open regarding that.
Astro- Thanks.
Jenny
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
All I can say is that coke addicts who are not in a recovery program many times use alcohol as a bandaid, however, it generally doesn't work, as the majority of them just add coke back in the mix. This is very common.
You'll know when and if you are ready to leave, some never leave, some others finally reach their bottom and move on. It's all a matter of choices.
The only thing I would add is that you have children, they must be your priorty.
You'll know when and if you are ready to leave, some never leave, some others finally reach their bottom and move on. It's all a matter of choices.
The only thing I would add is that you have children, they must be your priorty.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Sunshine,
Sending you hope, and hugs, and strength to do whatever you decide is best for you, whenever you decide it's best. I'm so sorry -- I didn't mean to come off as judgemental...I didn't know you were so new to this rollercoaster.
Love,
GL
Sending you hope, and hugs, and strength to do whatever you decide is best for you, whenever you decide it's best. I'm so sorry -- I didn't mean to come off as judgemental...I didn't know you were so new to this rollercoaster.
Love,
GL
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: pa
Posts: 260
Jenny,
I too remember the craziness of coke and alcohol nights my husband did on and off for years. The anger and rage I felt while he was running around all hours,while I was home with our precious children. With my experience there wasn't other women just the need to get more messed up. Some coke binges lasted 36 hrs and they need more alcohol to bring them down a bit from the coke. I just wished he would disappear so I could have some peace in my life. He is gone now living in his second halfway house. His poor choices led him to be arrested March 28 and he has not been back to our home since. The morning after he was arrested I went to the courthouse to have a restraining order put on him so he could not return home. That was the best decision I ever made,because he no longer has a comfortable place to come home to so he can stay in his addiction without worries. After his release from jail he has been to 2 family members houses and 2 halfway houses so he is forced to look at how he has ruined his life. I don't think I could have been strong enough to keep him from coming back had I not gotten the restraining order. Your husband will fall HARD possibly soon,if he does take advantage of the situation if he is arrested do not rescue him (I know this will be difficult). Try to have a plan of what you will do if he is out of your home for a safe period of time. I wish I was their to hug you,I understand when you say you are "not ready yet" it took me a very long time. Do you have family or friends who will help you when the time is right?
I too remember the craziness of coke and alcohol nights my husband did on and off for years. The anger and rage I felt while he was running around all hours,while I was home with our precious children. With my experience there wasn't other women just the need to get more messed up. Some coke binges lasted 36 hrs and they need more alcohol to bring them down a bit from the coke. I just wished he would disappear so I could have some peace in my life. He is gone now living in his second halfway house. His poor choices led him to be arrested March 28 and he has not been back to our home since. The morning after he was arrested I went to the courthouse to have a restraining order put on him so he could not return home. That was the best decision I ever made,because he no longer has a comfortable place to come home to so he can stay in his addiction without worries. After his release from jail he has been to 2 family members houses and 2 halfway houses so he is forced to look at how he has ruined his life. I don't think I could have been strong enough to keep him from coming back had I not gotten the restraining order. Your husband will fall HARD possibly soon,if he does take advantage of the situation if he is arrested do not rescue him (I know this will be difficult). Try to have a plan of what you will do if he is out of your home for a safe period of time. I wish I was their to hug you,I understand when you say you are "not ready yet" it took me a very long time. Do you have family or friends who will help you when the time is right?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 596
Jenny,
I believe you are so smart for getting counseling and for realizing that you may have to leave. It's understandable that you're not ready right now. But if you think that is the inevitable, I believe that's an awakening that you deserve better. And the more he continues to drink, the stronger you will get, the more you'll prepare yourself and the stronger your plans will get.
Set aside money now while you're preparing.
I believe you are so smart for getting counseling and for realizing that you may have to leave. It's understandable that you're not ready right now. But if you think that is the inevitable, I believe that's an awakening that you deserve better. And the more he continues to drink, the stronger you will get, the more you'll prepare yourself and the stronger your plans will get.
Set aside money now while you're preparing.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 62
Jenny,
I'm glad you are keeping the counseling appointment for YOUR benefit. You and your family are worth that and so much more. The investement you are making in you will help carry you past all the pain and difficulties.
Don't lose the healthy anger you feel. You are using it to make appropriate changes and move forward, and that's what counts.
Sending you much support ((()))
I'm glad you are keeping the counseling appointment for YOUR benefit. You and your family are worth that and so much more. The investement you are making in you will help carry you past all the pain and difficulties.
Don't lose the healthy anger you feel. You are using it to make appropriate changes and move forward, and that's what counts.
Sending you much support ((()))
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