Losing my husband who drinks

Old 08-15-2007, 10:39 PM
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Losing my husband who drinks

I apologize this might not be quite on topic.

How do you let the love of your life go? I am still married to mine but am in the process of divorcing. Me and my husband had communication problems for a while. Not too bad or anything. He is an alcoholic and that did contribute to our marriage going downhill. We basically didn't give our marriage any maintanence. His alcoholism contributed to 99% of our fights. Last September we started this whole mess. He was so consumed and selfish that he rarely paid any attention to me. I in turn found a male friend and we texted a lot. We were never more than just friends.
From November to December I didn't want to have anything to do with hubby. He noticed something was really wrong finally and he was driving me crazy trying to talk to me. I didn't want to have any part in it. I was so angry towards him for ignoring me for so long. He found out about the texting and we both agreed I would stay with my mom for a while. He then when a little crazy, drank constantly, scared of losing me and just losing it. That in turn pushed me away farther. He fought with me constantly. Good one day, bad the next. He was throwing every emotion at me that he could possibly think of. I was exhausted and kept telling him it was over just to get him to leave me alone.
We went to lawyer at the end of February for a dissolution. March I moved my personal belongings out. From Jan to March was horrible fighting and argueing. At the end of March we had a heart to heart and started getting along so well. We were texting all the time, talking, I even went over a few times and watched some movies. Then it just stopped. I found out in May he had a girlfriend. He denied it but I saw pictures. He had been talking to her since January. He told me to lets hurry up and get dissolution settled. I honestly believe he just started dating her to take the pain of what was happening to us away, rebounding. I told him I wanted to try again and he told me he didn't know if he could get past everything that happened. Bull crap, he was having too much fun with her drinking all the time. He took the easy way out. It would have been too hard to try and fix us. Plus he was living the single life going out with her constantly, being drunk. How can you pick that over family?? Our child is living with me so he is free. I got the dissolution papers and he saw the child support amount and dragged his feet about signing them.
May to July we fought off and on. Getting along here and there. We would get along so well for our boys sake (my husband adopted him), then I think he started missing what we had and then would argue with me to keep those feelings suppressed. July he decided it was in my son's best interest to introduce him to his girlfriend after we had just talked about not doing that for a few months. He also had him lie to me. So I told him he couldn't see him until the courts ripped him from my arms and forced me to let him see him. We haven't heard from him since.
I never intended to keep my son from him, I was waiting for a call or something. Not even to me ... was waiting for a call to my son. Nothing. No word what-so-ever. If my son would have asked to see him I would have mad the phone call 5 seconds later, but every time I asked he said no. Mid July he filed for divorce, custody, support, alimony. So here we are to today. I got temporary custody and support today. My son has been wanting some of his things down at his house. I have tried to contact him and my son called him too. He never responded. My son is very upset that he will not get a hold of me to get his things for him.
We had an awesome relationship when it was good. We could talk with each other about anything for hours on end. He is my love of my life. Yeah at times his alcoholism caused problems, but nothing that we couldn't deal with. It's just only these last 8 months since I have moved out that I honestly believe have been the cause of us ending, not when we were together. I can forgive all of it. I think I can even forgive him for the girlfriend. I know he loves me. I still love him. I know if his girlfriend dumped him, he would realize he loved me still. He's just hiding his emotions and feelings by being with her.
It's just been one of those things where it just got all screwed up from us being on different pages for a while. I miss our family, I miss him. I'm gonna be ok if we divorce but wouldn't it be awesome if we could try and make it work. We could make it so much better. I just don't know what to do. His friends wives email conversations between my husband and their husband and he has said so many lies about me to them, trying to gain sympathy I guess. I feel he has trashed me so badly to friends and family that he can't swallow his pride and try to make it work. He won't even return my calls to get some of my boys stuff, let alone talk to him about all of this. We have temporary restraining orders on each other as far as selling things, harassing, hurting one another. I don't know.
I just hate to sit here and watch it all go down the drain. I know from the bottom of my heart we could work it out. But I feel it is going to happen anyways. How do I deal with this? How do I let it go?
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Old 08-16-2007, 02:57 AM
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alcoholism is PROGRESSIVE unless halted. Like uncontrolled diabetes. Perhaps the 2 of u can agree on seeing a counselor with experience in alcoholism. The fact is you are not dealing with a fully rational person due to alcohol addiction.
The lies they create are simply part of alcoholism. An alcoholic will lie about anyone, anything, anywhere and according to recovered alc's it becomes automatic.
If it make u feel better let these friends know in a loving way that u feel terrible to see alcoholism destroying the person you love. These people may already realize there is something wrong with his mentation.

When alcoholism began, my wife routinely told her new (drinking friends) that she was single. She told them fabrications to justify her new lifestyle and behavior. Very terrible and amazing things were told to some mutual friends. My aw has since alienated those meaningful friends and is living in a circle with other "drunks".

There is nothing I can do as the alcohol is toxic on the brain and there is no way to reason with an active addict. It is the negative consequences exceeding the perceived pleasure that may motivate them to seek recovery.
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Old 08-16-2007, 03:57 AM
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I never in a million years would have believed my XAH would have done and said the things he's done to me and said about me. People that knew us (non drinking friends) are also floored because his behavior is so contrary to who they thought they knew.
Like Steve said, alcoholism is progressive. And my XAH behaved very much like Steve's AW and is continuing on that same path. See a pattern?
The husband you remember isn't there anymore. He's buried under his alcoholism, and caring for his disease is now his first priority.
Letting go is the hardest thing I've ever done. I'm still not quite there, but I'm infinitely better now that I've faced reality.
You might not be there yet. Please read Codependency No More by Melody Beattie. I found it made a huge difference. Get to an alanon meeting, and post and read here. Concentrate on yourself and your son, and on the things you can change.
Hang in there ~ we're all here for you!
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Old 08-16-2007, 04:45 AM
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I Finally Love My Life!!!
 
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Originally Posted by lisab10977 View Post

How do you let the love of your life go?

For me, it was when I realized that the love of my life wasn't him.

I may have been the best thing that happened to him...but when I realized, hey, he was miles away from being the best thing to happen to me, the universe suddenly got a whole lot bigger.
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Old 08-16-2007, 05:24 AM
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What helped me let go was to attend open AA meetings and gear the horrific stories and miraculous recoveries. Recovering alcs that befriended me told me what if was like to be there. Nothing else in the world mattered except drinking. Naturally their friends were also mostly addicts also. Enablers were important since they liked a nice place to sleep, shower, and eat. In advanced disease even those things were unimportant. The next drink became the God they worshiped.
Can u believe that 4 me, getting into the mind of an active alcoholic made me realize it is INSANITY, there is no reason or logic. Many recovered alcs say it is "demonic posession"

The cold reality hit home and I must realize there is nothing I can do to make her stop. I did tell her that if she xhooses recovery I will help her, but the thing is she doesn't even see a problem, yet.
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Old 08-16-2007, 11:05 AM
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Read Codependency No More. That was a long story you wrote and I can hear you are sad, almost regretful the way things turned out. Almost like you were expecting a different outcome from your actions. Or maybe since you both were getting along so well for a while, it gave you hope once again. What I will say that was a red flag in reading your story is this. You mentioned that when you were together, the alcohol wasn't that bad. It didn't really effect your relationship. Funny thing is it effected it enough that he cut you off emotionally and you went out to seek attention from another person (man) and it was a confidential relationship. Maybe just friends but you didn't tell your spouse. So things must have been that bad. Then you also said that AH was doing everything he could to try and get you back but you wanted no part of that. Do you not see that was also part of the person you want back so badly? I know that it is romantic to believe if you could only have one more chance with him again that you could have back what you once did. But unless he gets help, it will never be like that. And even if he does get help, it still may never be like your old relationship. It could be better or not but it will not be a fantasy. You can't make him get help. You can only help yourself. Get to Al-Anon. And read that book. You can't trust an alcoholic because they can't trust themselves. He can't really love you, because he doesn't love himself, he loves the alcohol more than anything else. It's a sucky fact, but it's true. Try to remember that.

One of the hardest lessons I'm still trying to grasp is the death of a dream. I am still not completely accepting that it's dead. But once I can and I mourn it, I know I'll be able to move on.

Jenny
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Old 08-16-2007, 04:44 PM
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How do you let the love of your life go?

You do it by realizing that you love your life more than you love the love of your life.

I think the problem we have, when we love an alcoholic, is that we keep thinking about this:
We had an awesome relationship when it was good. We could talk with each other about anything for hours on end. He is my love of my life.
when the only thing we really have left is the rest. The crap, the drinking, the lies, the blatant and unrepentant selfishness. The disease.

Letting go of the dream that one day, it'll all be like it used to -- that's a hard part. And one I'm still struggling with.

Take care of yourself. Maybe he'll come to his senses, sober up and come back. Maybe he won't. You're worth better than sitting around waiting to see which one it is. (((lisab)))
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Old 08-16-2007, 04:52 PM
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I was finally able to lget go and leave when I realized that the love of my life wasn't the man I fell in love with, that I married a fantasy man who didn't exist except in my imagination and that I was in reality married to someone whom I didn't even like much.

Ask yourself if this man really is the love of your life.
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Old 08-16-2007, 05:24 PM
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OMG - I have to agree with all the posts above.....I still havent quite let go of my marriage to my XAH and he is now married to the girl he cheated on me with....hunny it will be the hardest thing you have ever done...but please do it. Let go and let God take care of him. By detaching from his actions and chaos and crisis...you will become strong again and able to cope a day at a time. Like Steve said...go to a few open AA meetings so you can relate to some of their stories. And by all means also go to Alanon...you will find comfort there too...

And oh by the way I happen to be from Beavercreek.....Hey neighbor....I now live in Hillsboro...

Stay Strong Sweetie.

Janit
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