learning to forgive and trust again....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
learning to forgive and trust again....
In a recent thread, I was asked the following question:
"How did you put it all behind you and forgive? How did you learn to trust again? I don't know where to begin...Every time I try I feel just as angry the next morning. I don't know where to begin - and i don't know if i can trust him."
I'm glad to answer that from my perspective and as it relates to my situation but I thought that it would be good to open it up to more experience, strength, and hope than I pretend to have. Hopefully, more will be coming to share their wisdom but this is what it has been like for me.....
RAH was addicted to crack for 20 years. We dated over 15 years ago and our relationship never went anywhere because of his addictions. He reappeared about 3 years ago vowing his sobriety. Not until I fell in love with him did I fully realize that he was using cocaine. A month later I became aware that it was crack. Then began my long journey of awakening. We broke up but he lied his way back to our getting back together. Silly me... It was not until he had moved into my home with me and my children that I learned the extent of his lies and his cheating with other women. It was extensive as anyone who deals with a crack addict knows. I struggled fiercely over what to do and how to handle the situation. I found out the brutal details when he was 3 months sober (thought his sobriety had been MUCH longer) and I didn't know where to turn or how to handle all of the grief and emotions.
I had to finally separate in my mind the pre-sober events and the post-sober. I learned everything that I could about addiction and I truly believe that his brain was severely damaged while he was using - even on days when he wasn't actually using. He was incapable of making good decisions or living a life with integrity. I realized that if we were to continue a life together (and I had a 3 month carrot of sobriety) that I would have to figure out if I could move past it. There were several things that I had to have: no more lies about anything, ever; he had to be willing to live a transparent life as long as we are together; drugs/cheating are a deal breaker - all chances have been used up; he couldn't resent my emotions/needs; he had to understand that forgiveness takes time; trust has to be re-earned. I've heard it said that it takes 2 years to really begin to trust again....if even a little lie occurs during that time then the clock resets. I've found that to be true. He has had to establish a long line of behaviors where he anticipated my worries and concerns (call when he's late, be above board on everything, etc) and continually do the next right thing. That's just what he had to do. What I had to do is even more extensive....get to regular meetings, really work a thorough 4th/5th step with a sponsor, stay actively involved in my own life. I had to fully explore my fears (found during the 4th step) and discover the "parts of self" that were failing me. As in....if I am afraid that he will cheat on me again, what parts of "self" are failing me? My self-confidence, self-esteem, etc. Then I had to do what do I need to do to grow those qualities. It's a TON of work and I still have a long way to go. The main thing that allowed me to grow was to develop the tools of recovery and to use them routinely.
It is not like me to forgive and forget - or move past anything. So....the most important piece of it all was through my HP. I prayed for him to do whatever he needed to do with my pain/resentments/fear/anger/hurt. If he wanted me to stay in this relationship I trusted him to remove the deep pain that kept me from being able to move forward. All I can say is that deep deep pain disapated over a five day period. I still have my moments but for the most part I took all of the resentments and turned them into fuel for my own recovery. If I ever loose steam all I have to do is look back over my past and where I was. I learned that the only way that I'll ever be able to trust him is when I totally and completely trust myself. These are the steps that I am taking to do that. Each time I react from that place of "self" I know that I am capable of taking care of myself....and that's what real trust is.
One last quick analogy that ultimately allowed me to make peace with staying in this relationship. I equated it to being similar to this: if I were a 17 year old girl that found herself accidently pregnant, what would I do? (I was accidently involved with a drug addict I guess). Would I abort the baby, give it up for adoption, or keep it and raise it? Well....since he was 3 months into recovery I was unwilling to end our relationship.....I really didn't want to give it up but neither did I know what to expect. I decided to "raise the baby" (our relationship) but I knew that "a 17 year old girl" could not possibly raise a baby on her own. I knew that I would need "public assistance" and for me that meant counselling, Alanon/Naranon, a sponsor, the 12 steps, and most of all God. At any given time, I gave myself permission to give the "baby" up if it became too much for me. My hope was that I would be like those wonderful mom's that you see that end up with a fabulous 20 year old when they are 37......what they did to do that ultimately made them a much better person and the "baby" is the joy of their life. Maybe they gave up a great big part of their youth but look who they became because of it........
I hope that I have not offended anyone with my analogy - it was just how I was able to wrap my mind around a devastating situation. I sought a comparison with other situations which seemed overwhelming at the time but could have a happy ending....that's the way that my crazy mind found a path to follow out of the pain of lying and cheating.
It is the hardest journey that I have ever taken and I've been on some tough ones (my last husband developed early on-set Alzheimer's) and it's still a bumpy road. However, I am a better person for what I've had to do to come to terms with all of it. We have a blended family of 4 boys and we are getting ready to build an addition on to our home....we have lived together for 2 years now and have been married since Nov. '06.
It's not a journey of loving and trusting him - it's been a journey of loving and trusting me. Sorry this was so long winded but I could hear the pain through the words of the original question and I wanted to give a sincere and heartfelt response. I did not want to leave her with just my input on so important of a question so that is why I am asking for the unbelievable insights from our wonderful forum...
Peace - Donna
"How did you put it all behind you and forgive? How did you learn to trust again? I don't know where to begin...Every time I try I feel just as angry the next morning. I don't know where to begin - and i don't know if i can trust him."
I'm glad to answer that from my perspective and as it relates to my situation but I thought that it would be good to open it up to more experience, strength, and hope than I pretend to have. Hopefully, more will be coming to share their wisdom but this is what it has been like for me.....
RAH was addicted to crack for 20 years. We dated over 15 years ago and our relationship never went anywhere because of his addictions. He reappeared about 3 years ago vowing his sobriety. Not until I fell in love with him did I fully realize that he was using cocaine. A month later I became aware that it was crack. Then began my long journey of awakening. We broke up but he lied his way back to our getting back together. Silly me... It was not until he had moved into my home with me and my children that I learned the extent of his lies and his cheating with other women. It was extensive as anyone who deals with a crack addict knows. I struggled fiercely over what to do and how to handle the situation. I found out the brutal details when he was 3 months sober (thought his sobriety had been MUCH longer) and I didn't know where to turn or how to handle all of the grief and emotions.
I had to finally separate in my mind the pre-sober events and the post-sober. I learned everything that I could about addiction and I truly believe that his brain was severely damaged while he was using - even on days when he wasn't actually using. He was incapable of making good decisions or living a life with integrity. I realized that if we were to continue a life together (and I had a 3 month carrot of sobriety) that I would have to figure out if I could move past it. There were several things that I had to have: no more lies about anything, ever; he had to be willing to live a transparent life as long as we are together; drugs/cheating are a deal breaker - all chances have been used up; he couldn't resent my emotions/needs; he had to understand that forgiveness takes time; trust has to be re-earned. I've heard it said that it takes 2 years to really begin to trust again....if even a little lie occurs during that time then the clock resets. I've found that to be true. He has had to establish a long line of behaviors where he anticipated my worries and concerns (call when he's late, be above board on everything, etc) and continually do the next right thing. That's just what he had to do. What I had to do is even more extensive....get to regular meetings, really work a thorough 4th/5th step with a sponsor, stay actively involved in my own life. I had to fully explore my fears (found during the 4th step) and discover the "parts of self" that were failing me. As in....if I am afraid that he will cheat on me again, what parts of "self" are failing me? My self-confidence, self-esteem, etc. Then I had to do what do I need to do to grow those qualities. It's a TON of work and I still have a long way to go. The main thing that allowed me to grow was to develop the tools of recovery and to use them routinely.
It is not like me to forgive and forget - or move past anything. So....the most important piece of it all was through my HP. I prayed for him to do whatever he needed to do with my pain/resentments/fear/anger/hurt. If he wanted me to stay in this relationship I trusted him to remove the deep pain that kept me from being able to move forward. All I can say is that deep deep pain disapated over a five day period. I still have my moments but for the most part I took all of the resentments and turned them into fuel for my own recovery. If I ever loose steam all I have to do is look back over my past and where I was. I learned that the only way that I'll ever be able to trust him is when I totally and completely trust myself. These are the steps that I am taking to do that. Each time I react from that place of "self" I know that I am capable of taking care of myself....and that's what real trust is.
One last quick analogy that ultimately allowed me to make peace with staying in this relationship. I equated it to being similar to this: if I were a 17 year old girl that found herself accidently pregnant, what would I do? (I was accidently involved with a drug addict I guess). Would I abort the baby, give it up for adoption, or keep it and raise it? Well....since he was 3 months into recovery I was unwilling to end our relationship.....I really didn't want to give it up but neither did I know what to expect. I decided to "raise the baby" (our relationship) but I knew that "a 17 year old girl" could not possibly raise a baby on her own. I knew that I would need "public assistance" and for me that meant counselling, Alanon/Naranon, a sponsor, the 12 steps, and most of all God. At any given time, I gave myself permission to give the "baby" up if it became too much for me. My hope was that I would be like those wonderful mom's that you see that end up with a fabulous 20 year old when they are 37......what they did to do that ultimately made them a much better person and the "baby" is the joy of their life. Maybe they gave up a great big part of their youth but look who they became because of it........
I hope that I have not offended anyone with my analogy - it was just how I was able to wrap my mind around a devastating situation. I sought a comparison with other situations which seemed overwhelming at the time but could have a happy ending....that's the way that my crazy mind found a path to follow out of the pain of lying and cheating.
It is the hardest journey that I have ever taken and I've been on some tough ones (my last husband developed early on-set Alzheimer's) and it's still a bumpy road. However, I am a better person for what I've had to do to come to terms with all of it. We have a blended family of 4 boys and we are getting ready to build an addition on to our home....we have lived together for 2 years now and have been married since Nov. '06.
It's not a journey of loving and trusting him - it's been a journey of loving and trusting me. Sorry this was so long winded but I could hear the pain through the words of the original question and I wanted to give a sincere and heartfelt response. I did not want to leave her with just my input on so important of a question so that is why I am asking for the unbelievable insights from our wonderful forum...
Peace - Donna
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Wow, Donna, that was quite a post right from your heart. Growing and healing together will take you both far. You're right, it will take time, but so does any relationship take time to grow.
My prayers go out for wonderful days ahead for your and your husband.
Hugs
My prayers go out for wonderful days ahead for your and your husband.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: limbo
Posts: 2,849
Donna, thank you for sharing that with us with me.
I am right now at the same place learning to trust my husband and learning to trust myself and it is a journey to say the least..........
and all of the things you wrote like being transparent...........my husband called it glass.........told me I am and I will continue to be glass....see thru
and my time will be structured and I will be accountable to myself and to you.....these things are helping but I receantly discovered that even thou he is doing better I need to continue to work on me because even with all hes trying to do I find myself slipping into worry and fear .........
thank you again
I am right now at the same place learning to trust my husband and learning to trust myself and it is a journey to say the least..........
and all of the things you wrote like being transparent...........my husband called it glass.........told me I am and I will continue to be glass....see thru
and my time will be structured and I will be accountable to myself and to you.....these things are helping but I receantly discovered that even thou he is doing better I need to continue to work on me because even with all hes trying to do I find myself slipping into worry and fear .........
thank you again
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
Once we get burned, it can be difficult to trust again.
I have been burned too many times. Now that I have all this "experience", I have learned to be very careful who I give my heart to. I want to know them for a while and really see how they are.
I think Ronald Regan said, "Trust, but verify", when talking about the Soviet Union.
I like that thought.
I have been burned too many times. Now that I have all this "experience", I have learned to be very careful who I give my heart to. I want to know them for a while and really see how they are.
I think Ronald Regan said, "Trust, but verify", when talking about the Soviet Union.
I like that thought.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 34
Thank you for answering my questions so openly, honestly, and thoroughly. You gave me a lot to think about and some things to try. Thank you for the hope and guidance...
i changed my username btw - i didn't plan on becoming active in the forum when i registered and inadvertently made it recognizeable. then i couldn't point anyone else i know to the page for fear of being recognized...(didn't want anyone to think i was being sneaky by changing it)
Thank you doesn't really cover all your post gave me tonight...
i changed my username btw - i didn't plan on becoming active in the forum when i registered and inadvertently made it recognizeable. then i couldn't point anyone else i know to the page for fear of being recognized...(didn't want anyone to think i was being sneaky by changing it)
Thank you doesn't really cover all your post gave me tonight...
Rest peacefully Sonny Boy
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Florida, Tennessee
Posts: 840
Donna,
Forgiveness and Trust. I found a little bit of forgiveness for my ex. Until I found out about the sexual abuse of my daughter, I had forgiven him entirely. Sadly, some things can never be forgiven.
So with that disclaimer, I will address how I have learned to forgive and trust again. I realized that all of that hate and anger and sorrow was not hurting the person I felt it towards, it was hurting me...a lot. So in the process of trying to find a way to eleviate that pain, that self destruction, I decided to take all the bad that had happened and give it up to my HP. I actually asked him to punish those that had done me and my family wrong. Then I felt bad. I imagined my prayers being answered and the wrath of God reigning down on these people. I realized I really didn't want to be the cause of that, even in my thoughts. So I ammended my prayer, instead I prayed that HP would touch their hearts and help them through their hellish life. That he would help them.
At that very moment, I felt a complete and total peace. I knew I didn't have to carry that load any longer, I was finely free.
In that process, by having forgiven and letting it go, I no longer saw my ex in everyone I met, I was careful, and aware of what others did and how they acted, but I kept reminding myself not to judge anyone else by what others had done to me.
I thought about what those sick people live with. They have to live with themselves, there is no escape for them, and I felt compashion. They are paying the price every day, they are being punished every day, I just don't see it.
So now, every time I feel the anger, the sorrow, the fear, the hurt, I pray for the person that causes that reaction. It's hard sometimes, but every time I do, I feel that peace of forgiveness again, and can let it go, knowing that it is in the hands of someone fully qualified for the job, HP.
B
Forgiveness and Trust. I found a little bit of forgiveness for my ex. Until I found out about the sexual abuse of my daughter, I had forgiven him entirely. Sadly, some things can never be forgiven.
So with that disclaimer, I will address how I have learned to forgive and trust again. I realized that all of that hate and anger and sorrow was not hurting the person I felt it towards, it was hurting me...a lot. So in the process of trying to find a way to eleviate that pain, that self destruction, I decided to take all the bad that had happened and give it up to my HP. I actually asked him to punish those that had done me and my family wrong. Then I felt bad. I imagined my prayers being answered and the wrath of God reigning down on these people. I realized I really didn't want to be the cause of that, even in my thoughts. So I ammended my prayer, instead I prayed that HP would touch their hearts and help them through their hellish life. That he would help them.
At that very moment, I felt a complete and total peace. I knew I didn't have to carry that load any longer, I was finely free.
In that process, by having forgiven and letting it go, I no longer saw my ex in everyone I met, I was careful, and aware of what others did and how they acted, but I kept reminding myself not to judge anyone else by what others had done to me.
I thought about what those sick people live with. They have to live with themselves, there is no escape for them, and I felt compashion. They are paying the price every day, they are being punished every day, I just don't see it.
So now, every time I feel the anger, the sorrow, the fear, the hurt, I pray for the person that causes that reaction. It's hard sometimes, but every time I do, I feel that peace of forgiveness again, and can let it go, knowing that it is in the hands of someone fully qualified for the job, HP.
B
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
Donna-
THANK YOU FOR THIS!!
I am at this place now. TERRIFIED to trust- being consumed with a tremendous amount of insecurity because there is NO TRUST and I can't force it. Having a little voice inside telling me "You're stupid for believing things will be different."
I am still angry at myself for staying when i was being hurt and disrespected.
I blame myself for believing a drug addict could give me what I needed.
It has made me distrust myself in so many ways - so learning to trust ME again in the context of this is difficult.
I WANT to believe the things he says to me but I am AFRAID to be positive in any way for fear of getting hurt. So scared to have ANY expectations.
Thanks so much for sharing your story.
It has given me hope.
THANK YOU FOR THIS!!
I am at this place now. TERRIFIED to trust- being consumed with a tremendous amount of insecurity because there is NO TRUST and I can't force it. Having a little voice inside telling me "You're stupid for believing things will be different."
I am still angry at myself for staying when i was being hurt and disrespected.
I blame myself for believing a drug addict could give me what I needed.
It has made me distrust myself in so many ways - so learning to trust ME again in the context of this is difficult.
I WANT to believe the things he says to me but I am AFRAID to be positive in any way for fear of getting hurt. So scared to have ANY expectations.
Thanks so much for sharing your story.
It has given me hope.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
