Ragazza Miele

Sorry for such a long msg, but I need to vent really bad - well.....I've blown it again. I thought my AH was doing better, he's in recovery and not drinking, but his depression is so loud now, that I can see what all the drinking must have been about. We're separated 5 months now, and tried to go out on Friday nite in an effort to call a bit of a truce for our grown daughters. It was okay, but awkward, he's just so fragile. But kept it simple until he began crying AGAIN. Then Saturday nite he calls me and it's the total opposite, it's all my fault, he hopes I'm happy for what I've done to him, he went to the beach and wanted to fling himself off the bridge, yada yada yada. We had made plans to do a new church together Sunday morning and in spite of his ranting, I showed up. He was back to the crying and what a crappy person he was, so inadequate, more tears.......in all of this weekend he mentioned dying three times, and then the bridge jumping idea. Monday after visiting with my therapist, she suggested I call his psyche, therapist and drug/alcohol counselor, to which they all got in touch with him to make him account for this behavior, he obviously doesn't let them have this side of him. I get a call from him yesterday morning at my job and now he has quit all of them because I've embarrassed him. He said I should have told his parents, not these people (who by the way are the people who are supposedly helping him). I told him to tell his own damn mom since he sees her and I don't, she won't speak to me and then of course i got the ol' "and that's your fault too" crap. I get home last nite from my second job and he's left me an email begging me to wait him out while he seeks knew help for his depression, blah blah blah. I'm sick of it, I don't even cry anymore. I'm going to be gentle, but when I do reply in the next few days, I think I'm going to tell him I appreciate all his sentiments in the email, but that I'd prefer we go ahead and file for the divorce, (that btw he's been using to hang over me since he moved out, using it as a manipulation to me, but he doesn't get it, I'm ready for the divorce. I just thought he was too fragile to handle it yet) All these phone calls, email & texting back & forth, every other communication its his fault, and then its my fault. I can't take it. I really relapsed this past weekend and took right back into the role of care taker. A role I care NOT to have anymore. And for that matter, I don't ride roller coasters for a reason - I don't like them!! I just can't do this anymore........it's more than exhausting. He sucked me completely dry this weekend.

Thanks for the rank folks. Can't make my Al-Anon meeting tonite since I have a date with my daughter, but you all are my next best thing!

Thanks again...

Ragazza Miele

sunshine321

Sorry you are feeling so badly. (((( ))))) I know you feel you relapsed but you are getting back on the horse. Any progress is progress. Give yourself credit that you spotted your behavior right away and are aware of where you went wrong. Stay strong.

Jenny

denny57

Sounds like you know what you want - all the rest is the chaos when in the vicinity of alcoholism. Have fun with your daughter.

MTBChick

Ragazza Miele, I'm sorry you are having to go through this difficult time right now. IMHO, I feel you did the right thing by calling his psychiatrist, therapist, and drug/alcohol counselor.

I am not an alcoholic but I have personally struggled with depression since I was 12 years old (I'll be 30 next Sat). During some points in my life when I was extremely depressed I exhibited a lot of the same behaviors your AH currently is exhibiting. It truly was a roller coaster ride. A lot of my going from blaming everyone else to crying and saying it's my fault & that I'm a crappy person came from a place of fear. In those times I was in such a deep black whole that I truly was frozen by fear. I feared anything and everything, getting better, getting worse you name it so I coped by using the only behaviors and ways I knew. That doesn't mean that it made my behavior excusable or OK, because by no means was my behavior ever excusable or OK. All I wanted was for someone, anyone to get me out of that deep black whole. What took me a long time to realize is that the only person who could get me out of that deep black whole was me. Me doing the hard foot work of facing my fears and learning new, more appropriate & healthier ways of coping and handling life than my previous ways. So, in me saying this I don't at all excuse your AH's behavior and again IMHO, I believe you are doing all the right things. Don't accept your AH's behavior. I wanted to share what I shared, so that perhaps it might help you to be able to continue to detach lovingly and maybe allow you to have compassion for the man who is your AH but not for the depression. If that makes any sense? My thoughts and prayers are with you.

~MTB

Ragazza Miele

Thank you MTB, your post really did help me. I'm at such a crossroad with a man that I have been married to for 24 years. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do and we're dragging it on for too long, but I've been in fear of his reaction to asking for the divorce and actually following thru with it, but he's leaving me no choice. I can't do this anymore. But how long will it take him to realize he is in charge of his healing................he just won't seem to "man up" if you will.

MTBChick

Unfortunately the only person who can answer that question is your AH and his HP. I understand your fear. You are a compassionate, loving, human being who like any compassionate, loving, human being doesn't seek to bring about pain or misery to another persons life. You mentioned that your AH has quit his therapist, drug/alcohol counselor, and psychiatrist? I would suggest that you speak again with your therapist and discuss all of your fears with her (i.e. talk out what the fear is and then all the possible things that could happen, and then what you would do in each instance if what you fear was to happen). I can't speak to marriages as I've never been married. All I can speak to is that it is not your job nor your duty to save, cure, or bring your AH out from his depression. You did the right thing by taking it to the people who know what to do.