confusedwoman4

Hi I am very new to this posting thing and maybe too old to learn all the "correct" language and abbreviations so forgive me for my ignorance but here goes! I have been living with what I thought was a decent man for about 3 years now. I have 4 children from a previous marriage of 14 years. This current boyfriend and I worked together for about 2 years before we started dating. I knew he smoked pot on a pretty regular basis and I occasionally did also about 2 or 3 times a month. Then I quit that job and got a job that drug tests about a year and a half ago so I totally quit I had no problem quiting as I didn't do it very much anyway. I told him to stop smoking in my home so he goes down to the pond (I have a small farm) and goes "fishing". Since about march of this year he has really slacked off on helping me pay the bills when I confronted him about his lack of money he said he didn't want to talk about it, so I let it go but I didn't worry too much because I have a good job and we weren't hurting yet. This past weekend I just got tired of him not helping so I confronted him again and told him he was to give me 200 dollars by the time i got off work that evening or find a new place to live He ranted and raved for a while then finally told me he had a cocaine habit, I asked him how much he was spending and he said about 150 dollars a week. Now I am ignorant about this kind of thing so I don't know if that is a lot of drugs or not. He promised to give me his entire pay check every friday and I was only to give him 50 dollars for gas and cigarettes. I feel awful about having to do this after all he is a grown man and I am not his mother. Oh he cried and blubbered like a baby and I felt sorry for him so I agreed to let him stay. Now I am not so sure I should have done that. I work odd hours evenings and weekends so i really need him to pick the baby up from daycare and watch over the other kids while I am at work. He promises that he only does his drugs at work and never at home I don't know if I believe him or not but he has been able to hide this from me for over a hear now so I guess he doesen't do it at home. I don't know what to do he wants to do this on his own without the help of treatment do you think it can be done? I am skeptical about this seeing what I have seen in the pharmacy business, customers coming in tellling horror stories about prescription meds they got "hooked" on so I don't know.....

I would appreciate any input on this matter
thanks

MeggieStar

Hi and Welcome

I would be very wary about leaving your kids with an admitted drug user. You could go to jail for doing this. Also, your kids deserve better care than someone who is coked out!

We all want to believe the promises of our loved ones but most of the time, sadly, they don't pan out. A cocaine addict cannot control their use. As for $150 a week, I'd doubt it was that little. Why would he never have money then? My husband in his cocaine addiction would spend up to $800 A DAY. Cocaine is a drug that once you are on it, tells your brain you need more and more, over and over, non stop. You might not recognize the signs yet, but the more you learn about drug abuse, the more you will probably realize your boyfriend is high most of the time. Even if he is functioning, he is still addicted. What if he left drugs around and your baby got ahold of them? I used to think my AH would never do anything so stupid but he has...luckily I found the stuff before my three year old did!

I understand your predicament and you have found a wonderful place with lots of support. Please read the stickies at the top of the forum and read other posts too. We all came in new at one time and no need to worry about being "too old" or not getting the lingo....we are all here to help! Hugs...

MsPINKAcres

welcome to SR,

glad you are reaching out for help - it can be so overwhelming finding out that what we thought was a good relationship has been packed with a few lies and mistrust.

I had to learn that there were limited amount of things that I could do for the A's but there are tons of things that I could do for me. Taking care of ourselves is usually the best thing that can help someone in these types situations. It has helped me tremendously in learning to deal with the numerous alcoholics/addicts in my life. I try to attend meetings on a regular basis, read literature, call recovery friends, and read the info here often. Plus keep in touch with my HP (higher power)

This is what helps me to know what is best for me.

Keep coming back, Don't give up before the miracles happen in You - You deserve them!!

Wishing you Serenity & Peace,
Rita

Jewelz

Welcome Confused, I am glad you found us know that you are with people who understand even if you don't quite understand every thing yet. I have been with my boyfriend for about four years now and we have a year old boy together... I also have a child from a previous relationship. My boyfriend is a crack cocaine addict. I have been through so much with him more than I can ever put on here. But when we got together and he moved in I didnt know he was a addict.. I really had no clue till everything practically hit the fan by then I felt so sucked in... and thought he was the love of my life... he was everything to me. My boyfriend has been to a few rehabs.. jail all because of the drugs. Nothing so far worked into keeping him clean. He is still using and thinks in his own head that he has it under control but I see he doesn't. He does give me money every week for our home... and he also gives me his money to hold for him. I had liked this plan in the beginning until I realized that when he asks for his money I have to give it to him. Or at times when he runs out he'll say don't worry I'll give it to you when I get paid. This is extremely hard... I heard that cocaine is one of the hardest drugs to over come. I wish I knew then what I knew now. For me this relationship I feel stuck and I don't know how to get out of it... to me it's an endless cycle. Just so you know it's probaly gonna get worse before it gets better if it does. Now you know the truth and he doesn't have to hide it from you so now that opens a whle new door for your relationship. No one could tell you what to do but if you ask we can suggest or give our own experience. I am praying for you Confused. Once again welcome to SR.

By the way here are some of the abbreviations so you can get an idea

ah- addict husband
abf- addict boyfiend
as- addict son
ad- addict daughter

hugs,
Jewel

parentrecovers

nice to meet you, confused. alanon meetings really help me. keep posting! k

confusedwoman4

Thanks for the advice didn't expect answers so quickly!! And to you jewelz for the abbreviations..lol I guess this old dog can learn some new stuff. I am so new to addiction thing I read the stickies and some other posts and I do have a long way to go. I could kick him out, this house is mine, and paid for, so is my car. I feel no love for him anymore in a romantic way, I knew something was wrong for a long time but coulden't put my finger on it till he told me straight up he had a drug problem. But then the other side of me wants to help him because he is just another human and I can't turn my back on him. Does this make me an enabler or just a caring person? I don't really think he can beat this on his own. He told me he started using only at work because his job makes his arms hurt so badley, he gets it from a guy at work so he will never NOT be around his supplier unless he quits his job. I think "give him a chance" then I think about my kids here with him while I am at work and I worry....AAAAAHHHH am I going crazy? I have no siblings and my mother doesen't help with the kids so I have to rely on him to be here for them.

Jewelz

Confused, you are not going crazy this is all new to you but if he doesnt change and if you choose to stay with him regardless than you just might go crazy. I am sorry to say but there isn't a thing you could do for him. Ypu can't love him to stop using drugs, you can't control him, you could beg and plead cry your heart out but sadly that wont change anything. Most of us found this site because we also were looking for that "thing" that could change our loved one but instead we found out we need to find help for ourself, we need support and sanity. But honestly you can't get him to stop. He needs to want to and then stop for himself and only for himself. As for your kids I think you should really consider another option as for daycare. I know it's hard when you have no help but I know you would never want them in harms way.

I am thinking of you today and praying for you too!

Hugs,
Jewel

cinderellawkids

I want to add to what others said. When not using my husband is stable intelligent and a good father and husband, however he is an addict. I DO NOT leave him with the kids. Its okay to a certain point but it only takes that one time for the urge to get stronger than responsibility and as addiction progresses it happens. I have struggled to pay babysitters and daycares even if he's home cause I never want to worry. There was times he was not allowed home without us there as well and even if his habit is $150 a week now it can and likely will progress. When we married my husband was only spending $50 every Friday, now if he has the opportunity and actively using to go through $500 in 4 hours is nothing. My brother had gotten up to a $1500 a day habit, still managing to work and function before he found recovery.

Take care of you, focus on you and at all costs protect your children

ladyjane

Welcome confused

I would be worried about the kids as well. I know you want to help him, but a's have to help themselves.
_______________
Trish

splendra

Welcome!

My main concern is for your kids...From what I know and have seen coke affects the mind/brain function of the user more so than the body it seems good judgment goes out the window when it comes to coke.

He is becoming an expert at hiding it from you but, he may not feel he needs to hide it from the kids you might want to ask your older kids how things seem around the b/f when you are not around. Ask them what they do when they are alone with him. Be really sensitive to them and make them know that they can feel safe telling you anything. I would hate to have to trust my H with any young children that's for sure..knowing what I know now I would not even consider letting him take care of young children...

Although I know my H knows he should not use around the kids it almost seems that he gets worse when they are around.

As far as him helping himself get clean I suppose he could do it on his own but, I have found that mostly what gets them to quit using is something that brings consequences down hard on them. Something like getting arrested or getting kicked out of the house.

I understand you not wanting to control his money and spending but it seems like for most people who use dope money is a real trigger for them... Understand that you cannot make him quit using and they that are very good at hiding what they do. They will use your trust in them against you and blame you for their crap so be careful.

Make your choices on what is best for you and your children. Think about what would happen if your ex found out too cause it could cause you lots of problems...

laketime

good responses above welcome to SR

confusedwoman4

I agree speldra he shoulden't be caring for the young'ens around here. I came home from work friday night around 10:45 and smelled something very bad in the house. He had let the 2 year old pour a whole bottle of nail polish remover all over the 7 year olds bed. The 7 year old was at her dad's house so she missed the whole thing but he let the 2 year old sleep in the room with all the fumes he just opened the window and turned a fan on. that was before he told me and I thought it was very odd him letting that happen. He said he was in the bathroom...doing what...I wonder now. The 17 year old was out dancing with her granny at the time so he was alone with the baby. No I don't trust, him looking back on the little incidents that have happend over the last few months I can see his lack of attention to her. I know 2 year olds get into a LOT of trouble, when there quiet better go look for them. But I learned my lesson when my oldest was a toddler and got into the cooking oil....lol that was a mess!! I think he has to go if he still wants to get clean he can do it somewhere else not around me and my kids.

Momsrainbow

Read the post and stickys. I am an old dog (new here) trying to learn new tricks rather than jump through his hoop

Beware!!!! Before I realized what ah was doing-I had 3 houses-one cabin cruiser-$$-jewlery. Best watch your assets ah got hold of my credit cards also-he got it all one way or the other. Read this sticky over and over of What Addicts Do. I have it memorized. He has been gone for about 3 months-most of the time. He shows up every couple days to pet the dogs and want $5. Just more "quacking"......Never trust or believe an addict. They are munipulators.!!!!!!

Stick with this site-tons of info and support here!!!!!!!

dixied

in your heart you know what to do. your obligation and duty are to your children and you, my dear, are being used by this guy. so, with that said I'd have his belongings packed and on the porch making it abundantly clear that he was out! Next thing, change the locks on your home. Then thank God nothing happened to your precious two year old. You were very lucky she didn't drink the polish remover or get into something more dangerous. Send him on! dixied

dollydo

Welcome.

What are your bounderies with him? Have you made them clear to him? Or, haven't you established any?

Bounderies are set in place to protect you and your children. Once they are established they must be stuck to.

You are putting your children in danger, that should not be an option.

Have you read Co-Dependent No More? Great book, might help you to understand what enabling is all about and how to stop this destructive behavior.

hope213

welcome to S.R. i am glad you found us. first off i want to say there is nothing you can do to help your b.f. you did not CAUSE it, you can not CONTROL it, & you can not CURE it. we are here to help you with your recovery. recovery for you is doing thing that make YOU feel good about your self & things YOU want out of life. your b.f. is not going to get any better until HE decides to quit using. it only gets worse as the diease gets worse & it will. the addict in my life is my son & if i could fix him i would. all i can do is turn him over to my H.P. & pray for him. i am saying a prayer for you & your b.f. take care of you & your children.they need you,they can not look out for themselves,especially the 2 yr. old.

marle

Read up on cocaine induced psychosis. It can happen to anyone who uses cocaine and becomes more of a possibility the longer someone uses the drug. Then ask yourself are you willing to take that chance with your children. It really is about the children. You say you don't love him in a romantic way. Then why is he still there. Addicts lie, cheat and steal to get their drug. If it has not happened to you yet, it will. The disease always progresses if the addict does not get treatment. I have no experience with a partner who is an addict. My addict is my 21 year old daughter and I would not consider letting her live with us. I hope that you find a way to get him out of your life so that you can take care of the only person that you can-you. I don't mean to be harsh, but when there are young children involved that is another story. Hugs, Marle

confusedwoman4

Thanks everyone for the inspirational words. He came home from work yesterday and was very quiet. At first I wondered if he had used and was just staring off into space then I started talking to him and he livened up some. While I was cooking dinner he got on the tractor and did some yard work, I could see him from the window, then after dinner we all took a dip in the pool. After the kids went to bed we had a good talk about his problem. He said he was ready to quit, he didn't want to loose the family he had. He said he really needs to keep his mind off the "wanting" it by keeping busy. He talked to his "buddy" at work and his buddy was sympathetic to his situation and promised not to offer it to him or talk about it anymore around him. He is so mad at his buddy for getting him started on this aweful mess, but he also realizes it's his own fault too. We all have been friends for years but they hardly speak anymore because of the drugs. I will give him the rest of this week and if things stay sane and normal I will give another week. He is so remorseful it makes me sad I just hope and pray he has the strength to kick this crap out of his life for good. He hasen't used in 4 days I just wonder when the poop is gonna hit the fan on his withdrawal? I know I am at a better place now because I found all of you I had yesterday off from work and spent 5 hours reading posts here. Maybe I am being optomistic but I don't think he is truly an addict. We went on vacation last month for a week and we were always together. Heck I don't know maybe he is really good at hiding. Time will tell........ Thanks again everyone for the help!!!!!

confusedwoman4

I just read some posts about..boundaries...I don't really know what that means. Maybe I am just being stupid but when I read about everyone elses problems I think, my situation isen't that bad. But then again I just found out a couple of days ago. I am the kind of person that has to know what is going to happen I hate surprises and this not knowing what is going to happen is driving me nuts! I am scared to death that my situation is going to get as bad as some of the other. But then I think "naw he ain't that hooked give him a week and he will be all better" As bad as this drug is shoulden't he be acting a lot worse than he is after 4 days of not having it? Or does it depend on how much he was using every day. Is there such a thing as an occational user of cocaine? I mean after all I stopped smoking pot just like that (snaps fingers) and didn't have any problems? Questions..Questions....Questions..........I have so many!!

Gina

marle

Cocaine addicts do not need to use everyday. The physical withdrawals are mild. Some coke addicts use daily, others binge. Google Cocaine addiction and learn everything that you can about it. And yes they can be using right around you and you would not know it. All it takes is a trip to the bathroom. Playing detective and wondering day and night is he using or not will just drive you crazy and will not do anything to make him want to quit. You did not cause his addiction, you can't control it and you can't cure it. One thing about cocaine is that it is highly addictive and by the time someone realizes that it might be a problem, it already is. Hugs, Marle