suedehead

I don't really know where to start!! I apologise in advance...
My ex boyfriend (T) has an extremely tough past . His father walked out when he was just 9 weeks old, and made only sparrodic contact until his death from alcohol nearly a year ago. T was able to make it into hospital in time to say his goodbyes before his father died the next day. T himself has been drinking heavily since he was 14. (He said it was his way of dealing with 3 seperate incidents of sexual abuse in his childhood, and his broken home.) He curtailed this when we first got together a few months ago. He was happy and healthier than ever before, his doctor even commenting on his improved state of health. Then a few weeks ago, completely out of the blue, he ended it with me. I was completely devastated by this- and even more so when he started seeing somebody else a few days later. At the same time his behaviour became more and more erratic- he started taking hard drugs and his drinking levels soared (to the point where he was even taking days off work to drink). His doctor put him on a course of anti-depressants. He phoned me in floods of tears a couple of weeks ago, completely incoherant and drunk at 11.30 in the morning, apologising for his behaviour towards me but refusing to tell me his reasons for ending our relationship, but saying that I was the only person who has ever understood him. We had a 3 hour conversation the other day where he said he was considering joining AA- which would be hugely beneficial if he actually follows through. His new girlfriend knows absolutely nothing of his past or present problems- she is younger than him and extremely naiive. I don't know how to cope. None of my friends understand my situation- they tell me to just let go. Loving an alcoholic is so hard. I'm only 20, he's 21. I don't know where I can get support as I can't just abandon him. Thanks for reading- if you made it this far lol. x x

cagefree

He abandoned you...

I had a similar thing happen to me - completely out of the blue. Please take care of yourself and let the alcoholic deal with the consequences of his own actions.

(((suede)))

Mair

Welcome youve come to the right place. it's very difficult loving an alcoholic, youve done all you can and you now have to sit back and let him get on with it. There's no more you can do for him, he has to do this by himself. Look after you, read the posts here and you will get stronger, read Under the Influence it helped me understand the disease. You havent abandoned him or let him down, keeping your distance will benefit him and you (easier said than done) i'm trying myself and know how hard it is. My xab still calls me after 6 weeks crying and it cuts me like a knife, but i know that if i go back he will never stop drinking. mabye by not being there saving him he might who knows. Take care and keep reading and posting.

Mair x

MsGolightly

your post sounds a lot like what i could have written. my A also came with a troubled past, broke up with me out of the blue, and was with someone new within days. she was sober for one year with me, but was also lying and manipulating me during that time.

since that time, she's started drinking again, and lets me know that i'm the only one that understands her and everything she's up against. so, the manipulation continues.

i agree with those who posted above me... let him deal with the consequences of his own actions. if he wanted to be with you and not this new girl, he would be. he's trying to manipulate you and make sure you stick around in case things don't work out with this girl, or any other girl. don't let him guilt-trip you. i've been there and believe me, nothing good has come from it.

an'ka

You, too, are naive in believing that you have to stick by his side in order for him to function and get better. You are not that powerful. None of us is that powerful.

It appears that many people site thier childhood as the reason for their substance abuse. But you know, there are other much more productive ways of addressing your past traumas then drowning them in booze and drugs. If he wanted to seek those options, he would have or will in the future. You have not been placed on this planet to suffer along with him. You are here to build a happy life for yourself, find a good loving man, raise beautiful babies, find a meaningful job. You, too, are so very young. Take him breaking off your relationship as a blessing and concentrate on making your own life as good as it can be.

parentrecovers

glad you found us, suede. my daughter is an alcoholic/addict and alanon meetings really help me. blessings, and keep posting - k

MsPINKAcres

As painful as this must be for you - please know that sometimes when we are helping them we are not always doing the best thing for them.

Yes, he has had some really tough things happen to him - but he has to learn to deal with that - You can not do that for him, sweetie.

Several of our recovery books talk about dignity and by letting go, we are allowing our loved ones to find the dignity within to take care of their own needs. To gain their own self-respect. It is not abandonment - it is truly a way of letting them develop the self-esteem and self-respect they need.

I hope that you are able to attend some Al-Anon meetings, keep reading the post here, read recovery literature and learn what is healthy for you.

Don't give up before the miracles happen in YOU - You deserve them!!!

Learn to Live Happy, Joyous & Free - One Day at a Time,
Rita

lillamy

This is what every addict says to the person who's their prime enabler. That's why they find us. Because we believe that, and we believe somehow that we have this superpower of being able to save them from whatever evils life has thrown them.

Everyone has a story. It might sound harsh, but you know, there are people who go through exactly what T has gone through -- or worse -- and who don't drink or do drugs. It's a choice he's making, and one he's responsible for.

You have NOT abandoned him. There's no abandonment in a relationship between adults. Abandonment entails responsibility -- if you're not responsible for another human being, you can't abandon them. You can abandon a child, or a dog, that can't fend for itself. T is a grown man and perfectly capable of making his own choices.

Loving an alcoholic is hard. Being married to one is hell. If I were you, I'd run. And I'd probably run by Al-Anon while I'm at it.

sunshine321

Leave now while he has let you go. He probably doesn't think he deserves you which is why he broke up with you and he's right. Stay away. He doesn't need a mommy. He needs to get help from professionals or AA. And I'm with everyone else. He left you, you didn't leave him. Stop feeling guilty. Read Codependent No More.

Jenny

suedehead

Thanks very much for your support and advice- it's a relief to know that I am not alone. I will try and take it all on board- and keep telling myself that he did indeed abandon me, and not the other way round.

GiveLove

suede,

you have a very good heart -- I know you want him to be healed and his life good again.

Around addiction circles we have a saying: we did not cause his addiction, we cannot control it, we cannot cure it. It's wonderful that you are sending good and healing thoughts his way in the hopes that he will some day find his way, but....it would be wise to keep a good distance between you.

All that's been said above is true: He must find his own way out of his situation, or it will never "stick." I too have heard the old 'you're the only one who ever understood me' and 'I want to go to AA' and all the rest........all the while "he" was being unfaithful, drinking himself to death, and getting more and more out of control. These are things that are common to all alcoholics and addicts. It is also true that he will always be an alcoholic -- ALWAYS. He may be clean at times, and at times not, but if you pursue any sort of life with this man you will always be living in the fearful shadow of a relapse into his addiction. Forever.

Read around here a little bit - read peoples' stories here - and learn just how horrible life with addicted/alcoholic individuals can get. Though it may not seem like it right now, you are very fortunate that he has chosen to turn his attentions to another girl. Life with an alcoholic is hell on earth - helpless, painful, frustrating. Many of us wasted decades of life trying to fix someone else, all the while neglecting our own needs and dreams.

Take care of YOU - you are the only one whose life you can control. Make it a life full of joy, not suffering.

Hugs,
GiveLove

p.s. suede: lillamy is right. I went through a similar childhood as your x boyfriend (neglect, molestation, rape, beatings) and that did not give me permission to ruin THE REST of my life with drugs and alcohol. One doesn't necessarily follow the other.