"PROMISE me you will not leave him"
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: oh
Posts: 757
"PROMISE me you will not leave him"
it is the start of a new week.
the funeral this weekend was really really hard
ah and i were close and i supported him through every bit of it. it was nice to be close to him again, even if just for a little bit and knowing that it most likely was temperary and the time would come to put my boundaries back up. i think this was a life changing experience for both of us and is really making us think.
father-in-law (really best friends father, but only person i consider my father-in-law and ah's only true "parents") was in really bad shape. every time i came up to him he grabbed me crying and asking me to "please not leave ah, not to throw in the towel (which he knows i am ready to do, although does not know all my reasoning) he begged me, telling me that ah and i could have the same kind of marriage he had with his wife and that we need to talk - i told him that is right, BUT it needs to be a two way conversation. he said, "OH NO...there are a lot of one way convesations" ??? ugh!, i just told him i would try. he just kept repeating "promise this old man, promise"
well, now, his daughter, told me that there is something really wrong with him and that they are thinking of putting him in the hospital. he is on oxygen and having a hard time breathing. he will not tell anyone what is wrong with him, but i guess my mother-in-law knew what it was before she died. the doctor wants to meet with his daughter to talk about it. please pray that we are not going to lose him too!!!
so, now, i have the guilt to deal with. i told him that we would get together and talk. i plan on explaining everything that is going on, so that he understands why i must do what i have to do and my reasoning.
oh, ah is back to drinking, sooo, guess it is time to put those boundaries back up... he did say that this has changed his outlook on life and that he realizes he needs to stop drinking, but is not making any promises on how or when.
needless to say, yesterday i felt like i had been ran over by a mack truck. time to recouperate.
the funeral this weekend was really really hard
ah and i were close and i supported him through every bit of it. it was nice to be close to him again, even if just for a little bit and knowing that it most likely was temperary and the time would come to put my boundaries back up. i think this was a life changing experience for both of us and is really making us think.father-in-law (really best friends father, but only person i consider my father-in-law and ah's only true "parents") was in really bad shape. every time i came up to him he grabbed me crying and asking me to "please not leave ah, not to throw in the towel (which he knows i am ready to do, although does not know all my reasoning) he begged me, telling me that ah and i could have the same kind of marriage he had with his wife and that we need to talk - i told him that is right, BUT it needs to be a two way conversation. he said, "OH NO...there are a lot of one way convesations" ??? ugh!, i just told him i would try. he just kept repeating "promise this old man, promise"
well, now, his daughter, told me that there is something really wrong with him
and that they are thinking of putting him in the hospital. he is on oxygen and having a hard time breathing. he will not tell anyone what is wrong with him, but i guess my mother-in-law knew what it was before she died. the doctor wants to meet with his daughter to talk about it. please pray that we are not going to lose him too!!!so, now, i have the guilt to deal with. i told him that we would get together and talk. i plan on explaining everything that is going on, so that he understands why i must do what i have to do and my reasoning.
oh, ah is back to drinking, sooo, guess it is time to put those boundaries back up... he did say that this has changed his outlook on life and that he realizes he needs to stop drinking, but is not making any promises on how or when.
needless to say, yesterday i felt like i had been ran over by a mack truck. time to recouperate.
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Originally Posted by hopeangel 
oh, ah is back to drinking, sooo, guess it is time to put those boundaries back up... he did say that this has changed his outlook on life and that he realizes he needs to stop drinking,
.....but is not making any promises on how or when.
Still hold to your boundaries. Keep working your own recovery. When he is ready, he will look to catch up.
Encourage once is sharing... point him in the right dirrection.
Encourage twice is reminding... we do forget things often.
Encourage a third time and more... can start to be seen as pestering.
Work your recovery and use "your" boundaries.
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
Well i think bascially the fact he is back drinking should be explanation enough. Your reasons are yours and yours only no matter how much your FIL wants to make you responsible.
Guilt, shmilt. you don't need to take it on.
Earthworm
Guilt, shmilt. you don't need to take it on.
Earthworm
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Texas
Posts: 782
Just like my doctor told me that I was going to have to give up on ever being validated by XAH on why I left, I also had to relinquish the idea that anyone outside our home, especially family, would ever truly understand what our life was like. Getting over that and being okay with the possibility that someone outside of the immediate sitatuation might be mad at me or hold it against me was one of the most difficult things to overcome. I didn't want anyone to be upset with me or to think I gave up too easily. I finally decided to put what I wanted and needed above what an outsider thought was the right thing. You know what? So far, almost everyone believes in me and my decision. The only ones who don't always agree? XAH and XMIL. Not too surprising, is it? Of course they both want what's best for XAH. My XMIL has supported my decision but has also mentioned that I could have and should have done some things differently. It is what it is. My big light bulb in all of this was that I have to prioritize myself. No one understands the unique situation of my life except me. And if someone dislikes you for your choice? That's really their problem. 
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
You don’t owe anyone anything. It’s your life. Sounds like a lot of denial going on here in this family.
Guilt is for people who do something wrong. Saving what’s left of the time you have on this planet is not wrong.
Guilt is for people who do something wrong. Saving what’s left of the time you have on this planet is not wrong.
I Finally Love My Life!!!
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: New England
Posts: 648
Originally Posted by denny57
Yep. If I dropped dead tonight at 8pm sharp, all those people who told me how to run my life would move on to their next victim by 8:15.
Tops.
Tops.
We have a winner folks! Love this - so true
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
"PROMISE me you will not leave him"
Spoken like a true co-dependent to someone who he thinks is another co-dependent. Only you don't have to be a co-dependent any longer. You can choose to get sucked back into an unhealthy relationship or you can choose to be healthy, independent, strong, and free. The choice is yours.
Spoken like a true co-dependent to someone who he thinks is another co-dependent. Only you don't have to be a co-dependent any longer. You can choose to get sucked back into an unhealthy relationship or you can choose to be healthy, independent, strong, and free. The choice is yours.
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