mps101

I'm back agian. After a good few weeks sober (really good. I felt incredible) I decided I was "okay" to drink again. I really hate this frickin' disease. Because I know intellectually that when you quit and start feeling good again it's eaiser to talk yourself into being "good enough" to drink.

Yup, that's was a lie I told myself--I will never be okay to drink. It might go okay for a few nights but eventually it wont be okay. Saturday night I got really drunk and crossed some lines with a new friend of mine. Woke up in their apartment. Yeah...so it was an akward morning and the worst part is that this is a friend from a healthy usually NON drinking hobby of mine. It's an activity I'm really enjoying and will only grow with sobriety.

I guess I just feel lost. I hate that I keep making promises to myself that I don't keep.

Sorry for the rant...thanks for reading...

cdk1972

I will tell you this from what i have seen with my ABF. He was sober for 5 weeks. Had a lot of clarity-told me that he knew he had a problem. Knew he couldn't drink anymore. Didn't need AA (he's a cop and doesn't want to be with "those people he has probably arrested) he could do it himself. Sometimes he'd say to me, I really want a drink, but i know that if i have one, i'll make excuses to have another. I was really proud of him. Thought he could do this. Here's the problem: He has started again-he did need to quit, he was going through some stuff, but he's okay to be a social drinker, i need to mind my business and not worry about him. Lately, he's actually become quite mean and defensive. He's defending his right to drink moreso than fighting to keep me/the relationship. YOu have no idea how much this hurts. He no longer thinks he has a problem-or if he knows it somewhere inside, which is my biggest question-does he? He is all of a sudden in complete denial. Where did his clarity go from a couple weeks ago? What happened? Please. Please don't let yourself come to the point of being a mean, defensive denying a**hole that only cares about themselves and drinking, and nothing or no one else around. You recognize you have a problem. Keep taking it day by day. Minute by minute if you have to. Find meetings, sponsors, ANYTHING. You can't do it by yourself. and you know wht? That's OKAY.

IO Storm

mps101...

It seems you are in very early sobriety and are finding out about denial...

It is cunning, baffling, and powerful!! Knocks us off our repective a----

every time. I was like you..I enjoyed periods of sobriety..but relapsed

over pain, grief, loss, and of all things..success!!

There was always a very good justified reason to try it out again and again...

Your eyes are being opened to the reality of the disease of alocoholism.

I strongly suggest you try AA..you will find friends and a new life...

Just don't beat yerself up okay?

Love,

:

IO

CarolD

Ah yes....I took 4 years to finally quit.
I had to desire sobriety more than I wanted to drink.

I do hope this will be your last drinking experience

Blessings

Cathy31

This all sounds so familiar...AA helps me to keep believing that I'm an alcoholic, as well as giving me a recipe for life...try it!
Cathy31
x

Pilgrim

Rant away MPS and welcome back to the board. Keep trying ok?

I was sure I was going to be one of the ones that got it first time. After all, I'm intelligent and kind right? Wrong. This disease has no respect for who it hurts.

parentrecovers

keep coming back, mps. blessings, k

Missymae737

Hi,

Forgive yourself...Early sobriety can be most challenging, but not impossible...

Keep posting here. You will find a lot of support here...

GlassPrisoner

From pg 31 of the Big Book of AA

You're not the first

Hang in there. Try again.

Rowan

Thanks for your honesty, mps. I agree with IO - that your eyes are being opened to the reality of the disease of alcoholism.
I've gone through periods where I thought it would be okay to drink - relapsed twice before I came to believe (and accept) that abstinence was the answer.
Welcome back. You CAN do this. Recovery IS possible.

Anna

Hi mps,

I'm glad you're back!

Learning to recognize the addict voice is a big step in moving forward in recovery. Once you recognize it, you can learn to deal with it and see it for what it is.

Emily2002

mps101

Reading your post hits home with me, big time. The first few times I let myself believe I could drink again and failed after first posting on this board, I stayed away because I was embarrassed. I thought that nobody would want to listen to me, that they'd think "Oh yeah, that one again... Give her a few days and she'll give in."

Got to thinking of my self as that boy who cried wolf.

Anyway -- people here have always been welcoming, I guess because they've already "been there done that..."

I'm finally beginning to realize that sobriety is possible only if I KEEP TRYING. If I give up doing that, then I'm basically cooked. Finished.

Glad YOU'RE back! Let's try again... together!

Liz

PS. Thanks for all the posts, above. When I click on the "THANKS" button, it double posts.

mysoulswornthin

mps,
I know how you feel, the last time I quit was last year. Sober for 3 weeks, just starting to feel good again, when 4th of July came. My husband was off, bought a few nice steaks to grill, along with a case of Corona, a bag of limes, and a bottle of Grand Mariner. We usually drink cheap but on holidays we get the good stuff. He drank all afternoon while I sat there with my ice water saying 'no thanks, I'm fine.'

We always drank together since the day we met. We both thought it was great to find someone who could drink 'without all the problems'... ie., dui's, fighting etc., and we did that - for 10 years. He's my best friend and we rarely if ever fight, so I understand why he kept saying 'come on, have a drink - what, are you going to live like this forever???' I was the one who was changing things, and he was losing his drinking buddy. Besides - I agreed with him. Did I want to live like this forever? Hell no! I would just limit myself.

Well, that was my last day sober for a YEAR. I just quit again (on my 7th day), and my last night/day drinking I had roughly 20 beers - and I'm small (so much for drinking with 'no problems'). We always used to joke that my husband was a sprinter and I was an endurance drinker. I was doing so good, but I convinced myself that being sober was no more an option for being happy than being a drunk, so I would just control myself. Ha!

Sorry - got off on a tangent there - what I wanted to say was I hated myself EVERY night of the past year for giving up on myself, lying to myself, and hurting myself AGAIN. When I'm sober it's like Johny Cochran (sic?) is living in my head, arguing the case for drinking non-stop from noon until the moment I eventually get to sleep, and he is one coniving son of a b**** ; ) Staying sober is so hard and relapsing is so easy, I don't think you should beat yourself up. I've never actually stayed sober long enough to know if it gets better, but I'm hopefull.

Hang in there and thank you for your post... I'm a little itchy today and it helped.

BaldHeadedJohn

Hi mps101-
That all so sounds so familiar. Get some sober time, then decide it's OK. I'll just drink this weekend and then stop. Or I'll just buy a 6 pack because I've had a crappy day, etc. I've found out the hard way that those sober periods get shorter and shorter. And it gets harder to make that decision to try again.

Happens to lots of people. Some can get & stay sober the first time. Some can't. I'm one that can't, but each day I do my best to admit my powerlessness over booze, and take my sobriety one day at a time. I simply have an honest desire to not drink today. Do again what you did to stay sober those past weeks, and try to learn from the experience.

Blessings to you my friend.

In sobriety,
LRH.

Hevyn

...same thing with my first husband and I, mysoulswornthin. We were drinking buddies for 12 years. It was glamorous, it was exciting, it was fun. We travelled, had a beautiful life, until it all came crashing down around us. He had been drinking since he was 15 and by his 30's he was wasted. (It took me a lot longer!) We lost each other because of alcohol. We thought we were so cool, so clever, it was never going to ruin our lives. He is dead now. I'll be following him soon if I don't get this right. Everyone's brutal honesty is so appreciated!

IO Storm

Quoting Hevyn..

Everyone's brutal honesty is so appreciated!

There is a fundamental principle in the 12 Step programs...

It is HOW

Honesty

Openess

Willingness

Love,

:

IO

stone

Hi mps, everyone else has said it, but I just wanted to add my support. :hug;