It's Over, and I am sad
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Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
It's Over, and I am sad
I ended a relationship last night, and today I am sad. It was the right thing to do, and when I talk about it with others, it sounds so easy. "Just end it... just tell him how you feel, and how you DON'T feel, and end it." Yeah right.
As many of you know, it's not that easy. There are human beings with feelings involved in relationships, and it's difficult when my reality conflicts with someone else's reality... it can be quite painful. And when I have to look at someone I care for very much, who hasn't done anything evil or harmful or violent or bad, who doesn't have any ISMS that I know of... when I have to tell him that I don't love him and I don't want to continue in a relationship, well, that hurts.
This is one of those times when my recovery and my codie-ness were in hand to hand combat. My recovery told me that I needed to be honest, and to set and maintain boundaries, and to take care of myself. I have enough recovery to know that I can do all of those things AND still have compassion for the other person.
My codieness? It reared up out of the depths and put a stranglehold on me.
You hurt his feelings! That's BAAAAAD. It's your job to make him feel better. You were mean. You told him you didn't love him, and that made him sad. Look how sad he is! Take it back, tell him you didn't mean it and then he'll be ok... and then you'll be ok. It's not about how YOU feel, it's about how he feels...
I don't believe those things, not for a minute. I am just a bit surprised that I still had that in me, somewhere. I guess it's like the themes of other threads lately - our codepency is a life long issue, and we need to continue our program of recovery. If we don't, our thinking becomes distorted and we slip back into old patterns. It's not so different from how an A is - if they don't dilligently work their programs of recovery, they too can have a slip or a relapse.
It's over, done. This time there won't be a reconciliation, and for today I have to be compassionate and not let his angry and hurt words pierce me. And today, I am sad.
Cats
As many of you know, it's not that easy. There are human beings with feelings involved in relationships, and it's difficult when my reality conflicts with someone else's reality... it can be quite painful. And when I have to look at someone I care for very much, who hasn't done anything evil or harmful or violent or bad, who doesn't have any ISMS that I know of... when I have to tell him that I don't love him and I don't want to continue in a relationship, well, that hurts.
This is one of those times when my recovery and my codie-ness were in hand to hand combat. My recovery told me that I needed to be honest, and to set and maintain boundaries, and to take care of myself. I have enough recovery to know that I can do all of those things AND still have compassion for the other person.
My codieness? It reared up out of the depths and put a stranglehold on me.
You hurt his feelings! That's BAAAAAD. It's your job to make him feel better. You were mean. You told him you didn't love him, and that made him sad. Look how sad he is! Take it back, tell him you didn't mean it and then he'll be ok... and then you'll be ok. It's not about how YOU feel, it's about how he feels...
I don't believe those things, not for a minute. I am just a bit surprised that I still had that in me, somewhere. I guess it's like the themes of other threads lately - our codepency is a life long issue, and we need to continue our program of recovery. If we don't, our thinking becomes distorted and we slip back into old patterns. It's not so different from how an A is - if they don't dilligently work their programs of recovery, they too can have a slip or a relapse.
It's over, done. This time there won't be a reconciliation, and for today I have to be compassionate and not let his angry and hurt words pierce me. And today, I am sad.
Cats
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
Thanks Elana,
My dogs and kits know that I'm sad. They are being extra attentive today. Jack even brought me his chewy bone. THAT was a sweet puppy gift.
Cats
My dogs and kits know that I'm sad. They are being extra attentive today. Jack even brought me his chewy bone. THAT was a sweet puppy gift.
Cats
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
((((((Cats))))))
I completely understand that codie voice...the voice that screams at you to 'fix' things and made the other person feel 'all better'.
I'm sorry this relationship didn't work out as you might have hoped. I admire your ability to see the issues...and take action...even if it was a very difficult thing to do.
I admire your strength, Cats...
Sending extra big hugs your way tonight...
Hoping that tomorrow is a better (easier) day...
I completely understand that codie voice...the voice that screams at you to 'fix' things and made the other person feel 'all better'.
I'm sorry this relationship didn't work out as you might have hoped. I admire your ability to see the issues...and take action...even if it was a very difficult thing to do.
I admire your strength, Cats...
Sending extra big hugs your way tonight...
Hoping that tomorrow is a better (easier) day...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Cats, Sorry that it did not work out. I know this sounds trite, but better to be truthful and let the person down now than to continue to try to feel something that you don't. That took courage. Hugs, Marle
Rest peacefully Sonny Boy
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Florida, Tennessee
Posts: 840
((cats))
I'm sorry. I admire your strength, and your character. What you did, had to be so very hard, but had to be done. Doesn't make it any easier though.
Huge hugs, and some tissues headed your way.
B
I'm sorry. I admire your strength, and your character. What you did, had to be so very hard, but had to be done. Doesn't make it any easier though.
Huge hugs, and some tissues headed your way.
B
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: tn
Posts: 663
Cats
Just sending some hugs and love your way. I'm sad for you that this did not work out, but proud of you for recognizing it and acting in a positive way. I know it had to be hard to end this relationship.
Terri
Just sending some hugs and love your way. I'm sad for you that this did not work out, but proud of you for recognizing it and acting in a positive way. I know it had to be hard to end this relationship.
Terri
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
(((Cats)))
I believe that every person who crosses our path in life, is sent for a reason. There is something we need to teach each other along the way. Some stay for a short time and some stay for a lifetime, but each person is a gift and leaves us with something to hold forever in our hearts.
I'm sorry this didn't work out, I'm sorry you are sad. But I know you and believe you gave this much thought before you made your decision and I am glad that you are honest with your heart, your mind and with your friend.
Just know that we love you and care....and are bringing our special mocha cream cheesecake and about 1,000 forks.
Love you, Cats, and wish you happier days soon.
Hugs
I believe that every person who crosses our path in life, is sent for a reason. There is something we need to teach each other along the way. Some stay for a short time and some stay for a lifetime, but each person is a gift and leaves us with something to hold forever in our hearts.
I'm sorry this didn't work out, I'm sorry you are sad. But I know you and believe you gave this much thought before you made your decision and I am glad that you are honest with your heart, your mind and with your friend.
Just know that we love you and care....and are bringing our special mocha cream cheesecake and about 1,000 forks.
Love you, Cats, and wish you happier days soon.
Hugs
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Oh Cat... sending prayers for peace and comfort. I am sorry you are hurting... but I admire your strength and honesty. His pain now is less than it would have been had you given into your codieness and strung this out until it became unbearable. He may not be able to thank you for that, but we can see it... you did the right thing.
(((hugs)))
(((hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Colorado
Posts: 161
Oh Cats - I am sorry to hear this but I am so proud of you for stepping up and doing what was best for you.... And if you need it - take my frying pan and beat the crap out of the codie thoughts when they appear......The frying pan is cast iron so it should crush those thoughts pretty well....
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: on the lake
Posts: 335
If its any consolation, your posts and your recovery are both inspirations to me. I slip into my codie state with my as on a regular basis. You always give me good advice even when like your recent experience, it isnt always so easy to carry it out. You did. You should be proud of yourself eve though it may not seem that way today.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
(((((CATS))))) It is never easy to end a relationship no matter the circumstances we have to go through mourning the end of it and the end of the possibilities the relationship had early on. The sun will come out tomorrow...
Forum Leader
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
Thanks to all of you. It's times like these that "earth people" don't understand that it is because of my recovery that I can and do take an action like this. They just don't understand IF he was so great , why did I end it? I am surrounded by untreated co dependents... I was raised by one and many of my friends are earth people...
It's just so great to come here and know that you will understand. You might not support my decision, and I don't need you to. I just need someone to understand, and this is the place.
I love each and every one of you. I am so blessed to have you in my life.
cats
It's just so great to come here and know that you will understand. You might not support my decision, and I don't need you to. I just need someone to understand, and this is the place.
I love each and every one of you. I am so blessed to have you in my life.
cats
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