I do not know if...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 21
I do not know if...
My son and GF are still using..I have no way to know. I do know my son has some type of problem that he will not go look for a job unless someone hands him one. Then after a few days or a paycheck he needs a day off or is sick. They say they have something wrong in their heads. They went to a local facility one time and talked to counselors but never bothered to follow up. The tools for help are there, but they have to grasp them. They are worried if they tell their stories their child will be taken away. They have never raised that child anyway other than a few days here or there, so what is the difference.
It really sucks to be stuck at work today with nothing to do but think, it is an extremely boring job but after 18 yrs the pay and benefits are great.
I checked on my grandson and he is fine and happy with my mom. Our only problem is he is supposed to start head-start in a few weeks. I do not know if the teachers will allow me to take him for his orientation and so forth. My mom wanted to call GF mom to see if she knows where they are and if they are planning to do these things. I told her not to, that is just taking care of the adults again. The baby really loved school last year and it would break his heart not to go but.....I had talked to his teacher last year when mom and I were the major caregivers and she would only talk to the parents...she saw my point of view but then a few months later my son called the school and told them not to let me, mom or DD pick him up or have any type of contact b/c he was mad and trying to use his parental control.
how do you explain to a 4yo why his mommy and daddy dont come to see him or call him. Maybe he is tired of the stress and rollercoaster too and knows he is safe.
I do know they need major counseling and ways to deal with life. I do know I can not force them to go only suggest that they need to go. I do know that there are many jobs out there for anyone who is willing to do what a person needs to do to take care of their child. I do know 'I don't want to work for minimum wage' is not an excuse to not work at all.
I do know I am doing the right thing for me.
It really sucks to be stuck at work today with nothing to do but think, it is an extremely boring job but after 18 yrs the pay and benefits are great.
I checked on my grandson and he is fine and happy with my mom. Our only problem is he is supposed to start head-start in a few weeks. I do not know if the teachers will allow me to take him for his orientation and so forth. My mom wanted to call GF mom to see if she knows where they are and if they are planning to do these things. I told her not to, that is just taking care of the adults again. The baby really loved school last year and it would break his heart not to go but.....I had talked to his teacher last year when mom and I were the major caregivers and she would only talk to the parents...she saw my point of view but then a few months later my son called the school and told them not to let me, mom or DD pick him up or have any type of contact b/c he was mad and trying to use his parental control.
how do you explain to a 4yo why his mommy and daddy dont come to see him or call him. Maybe he is tired of the stress and rollercoaster too and knows he is safe.
I do know they need major counseling and ways to deal with life. I do know I can not force them to go only suggest that they need to go. I do know that there are many jobs out there for anyone who is willing to do what a person needs to do to take care of their child. I do know 'I don't want to work for minimum wage' is not an excuse to not work at all.
I do know I am doing the right thing for me.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: My House
Posts: 1,122
You are exactly right...
As far as not telling their story b/c they are afraid of losing the child, first of all they have pretty much already lost him if he stays with great grandma all the time, and secondly what they tell a counselor, or anyone else serving that capacity, is bound in confidentiality, just like an MD. If they are worried about it, they could always get great grandma to write a letter stating that she is taking care of the child until further notice, so that no one would feel a need to report them. So even that kinda sounds like another excuse to me.
As far as school goes, if one of you shows up with him for registration/orientation/whatever he has to go to, they should see that he is living with you now and it might not be as big of a problem as you may think.
I don't know what to say about answering him when he wants to know where mommy and daddy are...
Either way, I am so glad that you have a good enough handle on this to know that you need to take care of you and only you. They will stop quacking when they are ready. But until then, you would only be hurting yourself by trying to be more involved in this.
You and your family are in my prayers.
As far as not telling their story b/c they are afraid of losing the child, first of all they have pretty much already lost him if he stays with great grandma all the time, and secondly what they tell a counselor, or anyone else serving that capacity, is bound in confidentiality, just like an MD. If they are worried about it, they could always get great grandma to write a letter stating that she is taking care of the child until further notice, so that no one would feel a need to report them. So even that kinda sounds like another excuse to me.
As far as school goes, if one of you shows up with him for registration/orientation/whatever he has to go to, they should see that he is living with you now and it might not be as big of a problem as you may think.
I don't know what to say about answering him when he wants to know where mommy and daddy are...
Either way, I am so glad that you have a good enough handle on this to know that you need to take care of you and only you. They will stop quacking when they are ready. But until then, you would only be hurting yourself by trying to be more involved in this.
You and your family are in my prayers.
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Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
i do know you are on the road to recovery. i am sorry what you & your mom & grandson are going through. can you get your grandson in school without the parent? i know here if u are not the legal gaurdian you can't do much at all. check into this before it gets any later.i am praying for all of you.hugs,
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Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Colorado
Posts: 161
I would find a counseler that specializes in helping families with addiction and pose the question of what to say to him to a counselor. They would probably the best one to ask on what to say.
The other thing that popped into my head - what about getting custoday away from your son and GF. That is not enabling - that is doing what is in the best interest of the grandbaby. That way one of you will be legal guardian and he can go to school and have a chance to have a normal life. Worst case - have you guys been completely honest with the teacher and the principal about the situation at home? I am sure once they know the situation - they will try to work with you or guide you to resources that will try to help you.
Just some thoughts...
The other thing that popped into my head - what about getting custoday away from your son and GF. That is not enabling - that is doing what is in the best interest of the grandbaby. That way one of you will be legal guardian and he can go to school and have a chance to have a normal life. Worst case - have you guys been completely honest with the teacher and the principal about the situation at home? I am sure once they know the situation - they will try to work with you or guide you to resources that will try to help you.
Just some thoughts...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 21
Last year I was honest to a point with his teacher b/c since this a program thru the Dept. Health Human Res. she could only talk to parents but parents were not answering calls b/c they slept until noon, 1pm. So while I told her about their parenting skills I didn't mention drugs b/c I had no proof and I guess I was not ready to admit this, was still enabling, praying they would straighten up.
And she did work with me/mom until there was a blow up with son and he called the school and who knows what he said to them.
When all this went down a month ago I did tell them I would start the process of taking the baby if things did not change.
That is my next big hurdle I have to face and overcome. I am sure I could get custody since I have never been in any type of trouble, good job.
I really wish they would freely sign temp. guardianship over to me until they can get their sh*t together.
It is the final admittance of "yes these adults have a serious problem and they are a danger to their child".
That is why I am here: for the strength to carry forward with the next step I need to take.
So now I think I will play some internet games, read a little and try to get my mind going in a better direction for today. You all are really great...Ifeel alot better.
And she did work with me/mom until there was a blow up with son and he called the school and who knows what he said to them.
When all this went down a month ago I did tell them I would start the process of taking the baby if things did not change.
That is my next big hurdle I have to face and overcome. I am sure I could get custody since I have never been in any type of trouble, good job.
I really wish they would freely sign temp. guardianship over to me until they can get their sh*t together.
It is the final admittance of "yes these adults have a serious problem and they are a danger to their child".
That is why I am here: for the strength to carry forward with the next step I need to take.
So now I think I will play some internet games, read a little and try to get my mind going in a better direction for today. You all are really great...Ifeel alot better.
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Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Colorado
Posts: 161
I wouldn't wait for them to admit that they have a problem 
If they could do that - they would be getting help by now...
If you are worried waht they or others will think if you go for guardianship - who cares? You are doing what is best for your grandchild. One of the traps of codependency is that we worry way too much about what others are going to think about what we do.... It makes deer in headlights.
My sponsor said something to me one day that has really stuck. A person's opinion only really might matter if they are the last person on earth and you are stuck with them on a deserted isalnd. But even then you have the choice to go to the other side of the island. The point being - don't make decisions on what other are going to think about you....
Who knows - maybe if you start the process of guardianship the kids might wake up. and then again they might not....
If they could do that - they would be getting help by now...If you are worried waht they or others will think if you go for guardianship - who cares? You are doing what is best for your grandchild. One of the traps of codependency is that we worry way too much about what others are going to think about what we do.... It makes deer in headlights.
My sponsor said something to me one day that has really stuck. A person's opinion only really might matter if they are the last person on earth and you are stuck with them on a deserted isalnd. But even then you have the choice to go to the other side of the island. The point being - don't make decisions on what other are going to think about you....
Who knows - maybe if you start the process of guardianship the kids might wake up. and then again they might not....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 21
I am not worried what others will say, it is just finally admitting to myselfthey have a huge problem that has been stopping me. It is something I should have done a long time ago. This is just so hard to be going thru..everything else in my life is so wonderful right now. It is just like I am reliving what I went thru with my RAH years ago.
Thanks for your words of advice.
Thanks for your words of advice.
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Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Colorado
Posts: 161
Worriednana - you have more strength than you are giving yourself credit for. We all do....
I know how hard it is to be honest with yourself that the people you love have a problem. Somehow we make it personal, that it is somehow all our fault...If I had only (fill in the blanks)..
I still look back and go - why in the world did I think it was my fault? He was an addict before he met me and he is probably still an addict now...I don't have that answer and I doubt I ever will. I stopped trying to figure out the answer because you know what - it just does not matter. Life is too short to be spending the time trying to find an answer i am not meant to have yet.
What matters now is that I got out.... I did what was best for me. I survived. Actually I didn't just survive - I am thriving...... I have a life I never imaged I could have....... I have met people that took me in directions I never thought were options.......People often ask me if I would trade those experiences of the past to skip the pain........ And I always, always say no...... Because I would not be even 1/2 the person I am today.....
So while it sucks to admit to ourselves that we are human - now that you have admited they have a problem - moving forward is the easy part and I promise somewhere down the road you are going to look back at this and go - why was was I so afraid.....
Let me tell you - if I can do it - anyone can....I was the Queen of living by fear.... I am not now....
I know how hard it is to be honest with yourself that the people you love have a problem. Somehow we make it personal, that it is somehow all our fault...If I had only (fill in the blanks)..
I still look back and go - why in the world did I think it was my fault? He was an addict before he met me and he is probably still an addict now...I don't have that answer and I doubt I ever will. I stopped trying to figure out the answer because you know what - it just does not matter. Life is too short to be spending the time trying to find an answer i am not meant to have yet.
What matters now is that I got out.... I did what was best for me. I survived. Actually I didn't just survive - I am thriving...... I have a life I never imaged I could have....... I have met people that took me in directions I never thought were options.......People often ask me if I would trade those experiences of the past to skip the pain........ And I always, always say no...... Because I would not be even 1/2 the person I am today.....
So while it sucks to admit to ourselves that we are human - now that you have admited they have a problem - moving forward is the easy part and I promise somewhere down the road you are going to look back at this and go - why was was I so afraid.....
Let me tell you - if I can do it - anyone can....I was the Queen of living by fear.... I am not now....
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: NJ
Posts: 702
quacking means saying the same thing over and over, and it is just BS coming from an addict.
Worriednana,
I would start the process to get custody of your grandchild. He needs a stable living enviroment, and has it with you and your mom. Please read the book Codependent no more by Melody Beattie. It is hard to admit that your child needs help and if they won't get it you have to do what you need to, for your grandchild's sake.
Don't worry about what others think, just do what you know is best for you and your grandchild.
Hugs coming to you from another mom of an addict
Worriednana,
I would start the process to get custody of your grandchild. He needs a stable living enviroment, and has it with you and your mom. Please read the book Codependent no more by Melody Beattie. It is hard to admit that your child needs help and if they won't get it you have to do what you need to, for your grandchild's sake.
Don't worry about what others think, just do what you know is best for you and your grandchild.
Hugs coming to you from another mom of an addict
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 21
well my last post for the day. AS did call and say they were at GF mom house to get cleaned up for tommorrow. I said what is tommorrow and he said 'go out and look for jobs.' So I said 'good' and that was all I said for now. Don't really need to say any more. So that at least is a start on the right road.
I wish I had found this site a year ago. I figured it out on my own. But maybe the wisdom I and reading here may have helped save some grief.
I wish I had found this site a year ago. I figured it out on my own. But maybe the wisdom I and reading here may have helped save some grief.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: GO PENS
Posts: 1,151
Worried,
It sounds like you are doing all of the right things. I have been doing this for 6yrs. with my daughter. It is such a tough road. I have done many wrong things. Since I came to SR I have taken a lot of advice from the other moms here. I have a long way to go, but I am better than I was a year ago. There are so many things wrong in my life but I am getting stronger.
Welcome aboard.............................Lois
It sounds like you are doing all of the right things. I have been doing this for 6yrs. with my daughter. It is such a tough road. I have done many wrong things. Since I came to SR I have taken a lot of advice from the other moms here. I have a long way to go, but I am better than I was a year ago. There are so many things wrong in my life but I am getting stronger.
Welcome aboard.............................Lois
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Danville,Va
Posts: 304
Welcome Worried
Another Mom here. I have an as and ad. I'm raising my ad's son. He'll be three next month. Its hard work working and raising an active little boy, but the alternative is terrifing to me.
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Trish
Another Mom here. I have an as and ad. I'm raising my ad's son. He'll be three next month. Its hard work working and raising an active little boy, but the alternative is terrifing to me.
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Trish
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