cassmeister

I just had a really nice, pleasant conversation with someone who actually cared what i had to say.
He was nice, and intelligent, and funny, and respectful, and he didn't make a single rude joke or remark about me!
The whole time i was on the phone with him, I kept thinking that it's just a conversation... and everything i've been reading on here went through my head.
i found myself actually wanting to go on a date with this guy... that's so wrong.
i love my fiance, but i get nothing out of our relationship. i found myself wanting to go out and have fun and i feel soo freaking guilty for that!
i have a committment to him. i've made promises.. i don't break my promises.
i'm, like, the most selfish person in the world.

Lovestoomuch

((Cass))

First of all sweetpea.....stop beating yourself up over "thoughts". I'm sure most of us involved in a relationship with an addict have had them. I can't speak for anyone else, but I will admit to "entertaining" the thought of a normal life for myself when my exabf and I were together.

Like you I was getting nothing out of my relationship and although I loved that man with all my heart I yearned for something "normal"........something healthy. I hadn't felt respected in so long. I hadn't felt truly wanted in 2 years!! I dreamed of a life without worry and chaos.

I never acted on my thoughts and actually stayed single for close to 7 months or so after I broke things off with him.

You're human and you're hurting. You deserve to be happy and you're going to wonder what sort of life is out there without the heavy cloud of addiction luming over it.

You're not the most selfish person in the world. LOL You're perfecly normal and having perfectly normal thoughts. Hang in there honey. You're not alone in your thoughts and feelings. A great many of us have been where you're at right now.

Elana

Promises are words that are part of a contractual agreement. A contract requires BOTH parties to perform and has consequences if they do not.

A relationship is like a contract. If BOTH parties do not perform and are not fully committed to the contract, the contract has been broken. If BOTH people do not live up to the terms of the relationship, then the contract is null and void.

Most Codependents do not understand this. Most codependents hold up their end of the contract while their partner defaults (often repeatedly).

If the other person in the relationship has defaulted on his part of the contract you have permission to end the relationship. Defaults are things like letting YOU do all the work of the relationship while HE simply takes you for granted.

Been there and done that.

My Ex Husband used to throw the marraige vows in my face and say "You PROMISED to be here in Sickness and in Health and Alcoholism is a DISEASE! You are breaking your PROMISE made before God. Alcoholism is a DISEASE just like Cancer!"

Those words worked for awhile but I began to see the light. I did not think God intended one person to do all the caring while the other person did all the drinking. I got to thinking god did not intend for one person to do all the Loving and Charishing and caring because if He had then only one person would have said those vows.

I did not think God wanted one person who was actively destroying his life thru alcoholism and mental illness to take down a second person.

Promises must have two sides.. and both sides must be kept up.. or the promise is null and void and the contract is cancelled.

Ann

Perhaps it's not about the person you had the conversation with, perhaps you just saw that a relationship can and should include healthier experiences than you have with your fiance.

This doesn't mean you are betraying your own promises or relationship, it just means that you have seen something that you know is missing and you are concerned.

Engagement is a time when one should assess whether or not the relationship should be taken to the next step. The answer is not always yes.

My thoughts are to take time, think about what is important to you in any relationship and then decide if the relationship you are in can meet these needs. We cannot change others, but we can change our minds and ourselves, and recovery teaches us to take care of ourselves, even if it means leaving a relationship that is not bringing us as much as we are giving to it.

Hugs

ladyamalthea

Cassie,

You did nothing wrong. The man you promised to marry is not the man you are still in this relationship with. In fact, if you only go out once every two weeks, and even then you fight most of the time, like you said before, what kind of relationship is that?

Happy, Loves, and Elana said things far better than I ever could, but just know that, for what it's worth, I too agree that you have nothing to feel guilty about.

hope213

you have nothing to feel guilty about. you had a little fun having a conversation with someone that made you laugh. you need that at your age, heck, everybody needs that at any age. you need to explore instead of waiting for your b.f. to come off his high, if he ever goes. enjoy today,focus on you & what makes you happy. there is life out there that can be sweet. hug & prayers,

guineapigjude

As my marriage to my XAH got worse along with his addiction, I used to "escape" at night to a fantasy world where the relationship was normal. We aren't even talking a romance novel world here, just a whole normal, average life I made up for myself that excluded my XAH. This got me through about a zillion nights when I was so miserable/scared/nervous that I wouldn't have been able to relax without that mental "escape".
It never occurred to me then, being the Queen of the Codies, but now I realize when you are thrilled just to be treated (or imagine being treated) the way normal people treat each other as a matter of course (as in with respect and dignity), it's time to think about moving on to a safer place.