worried
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Huddersfield
Posts: 3
worried
Where to start? Well my daughter who is 28 years old and has two children aged 4 and 21 months, left a violent relationship with the childrens father last October. He has remained aggresive and threatneing ever since. When she left she came to live with me, her father and younger sister (now 10 years old). In January she moved to a rented house just a couple of miles away from the family home but has to cliam benefits and money is tight. Six weeks ago she had a very bad kidney infection and ended up in hospital. A couple of days after being discharged fromhospital her landlord told her that he was selling the house she was renting and the house is now up for sale, but it is not just a straight forward sale as he has not been paying his mortgage and the house is being reposessed. The children's father has not paid one penny maintainance since she left and has not contacted the children since
March 16th. Sorry about that but I needed to explain the pressures that she is under. I think that she may have been drinking before she left the children's father, but this increased and i know tht while she was living with us she used to hide vodka bottles in a drawer and would disappear into the bedroom for a couple of hours and come out worse for wear. This drinking continued when she first moved. I can always tell when she has been drinking, even on the phone as she slurs her words, repeats herself over and over and says she is tired even if she has just woken up. when she isn't under the influence, she is totally different. When she went into hopital she suffered fits whic they put down to the high temperature she suffered. She also had a psychotic episode and was talking total twaddle to two days and they thought that it may be alcohol withdrawal but couldn't really say. Last week we went on holiday and I thought that she was drunk on a couple of occassions and then found vodka in her room. I know I must sound a real snoop but she tells me that she is not drunk that she is just tired. But I know differently. She completely denys drinking. She is depressed and will not go to the doctor as she says that that will mean she is weak. At the moment she is totally irrational and has even started to pick faults with her 10 year old sister, who helps her such a lot with the children. I don't know what to say to her, or how to help her. She sees everything I try to do as interfering. She is a good mum most of the time but when she has been drinking she shouts at them too much and I worry about them. Can anyone tell me what I should do to help?
March 16th. Sorry about that but I needed to explain the pressures that she is under. I think that she may have been drinking before she left the children's father, but this increased and i know tht while she was living with us she used to hide vodka bottles in a drawer and would disappear into the bedroom for a couple of hours and come out worse for wear. This drinking continued when she first moved. I can always tell when she has been drinking, even on the phone as she slurs her words, repeats herself over and over and says she is tired even if she has just woken up. when she isn't under the influence, she is totally different. When she went into hopital she suffered fits whic they put down to the high temperature she suffered. She also had a psychotic episode and was talking total twaddle to two days and they thought that it may be alcohol withdrawal but couldn't really say. Last week we went on holiday and I thought that she was drunk on a couple of occassions and then found vodka in her room. I know I must sound a real snoop but she tells me that she is not drunk that she is just tired. But I know differently. She completely denys drinking. She is depressed and will not go to the doctor as she says that that will mean she is weak. At the moment she is totally irrational and has even started to pick faults with her 10 year old sister, who helps her such a lot with the children. I don't know what to say to her, or how to help her. She sees everything I try to do as interfering. She is a good mum most of the time but when she has been drinking she shouts at them too much and I worry about them. Can anyone tell me what I should do to help?
Sunny Side Up
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
If she is in denial you cant help her at this stage. Its the children I would be most concerned about. They are so young and if the drinking is affecting her looking after them you have to take action for their sake.
This happened to me but the children were much older. We ended up removing them from her six months ago. They did not want to stay either by then and are now so much happier living now with their dad.
I would probably find out from a Drug and Alcoholic unit in your state what you can do and what help she can get. All you can do is tell her that you refuse to see the children suffer and if she does want help you will take action. It may or may not be the 'kick' she needs to get moving.
Wish you well.
This happened to me but the children were much older. We ended up removing them from her six months ago. They did not want to stay either by then and are now so much happier living now with their dad.
I would probably find out from a Drug and Alcoholic unit in your state what you can do and what help she can get. All you can do is tell her that you refuse to see the children suffer and if she does want help you will take action. It may or may not be the 'kick' she needs to get moving.
Wish you well.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Please see to those children ASAP. She is in no condition to take care of them, especially at their young ages. It sounds like a disaster waithing to happen,imho. I like what Justjo suggested. Besides the safety concerns, I would say it is probably only a matter of time until they will somehow be taken away from her by officials,if things continue on the way they are going.
Pressures or not,this is more than her having a few bad days. jmho
Sorry you are dealing with all this. I am sure this must be a giant laod on your heart and mind. Glad you are here; I have found it helps.
Sending you a hug.
Pressures or not,this is more than her having a few bad days. jmho
Sorry you are dealing with all this. I am sure this must be a giant laod on your heart and mind. Glad you are here; I have found it helps.
Sending you a hug.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Sep 2001
Location: trail of discovery
Posts: 2,472
Welcome to this forum. There are many here that are and have had to deal with many of these same issues. We all have an alcoholic in our lives that we love but have had to learn how to let go of. She is not ready to help herself....as she is in deep denial. The only thing that you can possibly do is help those children.
I had a similar situation is that my oldest daughter was involved with an addict and they have a young daughter, my granddaughter. I also have a daughter, 10, at home. My oldest daughter has now left "him" and is staying with family here, but while she was with him she/they was neglectful parents. He did his drugs and whatever else and she would just zone out....space out and not take care of business. It was not a good scene for the kid, but like all things it had to come to a head eventually. I had already tried the talks and many other things to get her to come to her senses, finally I had to let go of it and let nature takes it's course. I did not allow my 10 yr. old to go to her sister's house while she was with him as I couldn't trust him not to harm her or give her drugs to try.
If at all prossible..take action for those kids sooner that later, but if you hit a wall, then it will be time for you to let go and let the consequences fall were they may, until there is an opening for you to try again. It's hard I know.
prayers for you and your family.....and special ones for those kids
I had a similar situation is that my oldest daughter was involved with an addict and they have a young daughter, my granddaughter. I also have a daughter, 10, at home. My oldest daughter has now left "him" and is staying with family here, but while she was with him she/they was neglectful parents. He did his drugs and whatever else and she would just zone out....space out and not take care of business. It was not a good scene for the kid, but like all things it had to come to a head eventually. I had already tried the talks and many other things to get her to come to her senses, finally I had to let go of it and let nature takes it's course. I did not allow my 10 yr. old to go to her sister's house while she was with him as I couldn't trust him not to harm her or give her drugs to try.
If at all prossible..take action for those kids sooner that later, but if you hit a wall, then it will be time for you to let go and let the consequences fall were they may, until there is an opening for you to try again. It's hard I know.
prayers for you and your family.....and special ones for those kids
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
Everyone deals with pressure in different ways.
It’s her choice to wash it down with booze.
A few things here.
If you are able to pick up the kids and take care of them great.
If this does become a issue where she wont let you and you feel your grandchildren are not being properly taken care of then you need to take further steps.
Children services will help you with this.
Also look into Alanon in your area. It sounds like you are going to need it.
It’s her choice to wash it down with booze.
A few things here.
If you are able to pick up the kids and take care of them great.
If this does become a issue where she wont let you and you feel your grandchildren are not being properly taken care of then you need to take further steps.
Children services will help you with this.
Also look into Alanon in your area. It sounds like you are going to need it.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Wales
Posts: 523
I agree with all the above, make the kids safe. My xab's son is totally disfunctional after seeing his father drunk most of his life, dont get me wrong he's a good dad when he's sober but he is dreadful when drunk, the sons 19 now and is heading the same way as his dad. She will thank you one day. Welcome to SR your in good hands.
Mair x
Mair x
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Welcome from my heart to yours. I too am the mom of an addict/alkie so I understand ..... the pain and frustration of it all. Sometimes even simply sharing here helps. Right now maybe all you can do is be the fantastic grandma.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Huddersfield
Posts: 3
thank you all for your lovely replies they are so helpful. It helps to know that I am not the only one with this problem, although I would not wish it on anyone. I am doing my best for the children and if things do not improve shortly, even only a little I will take further steps. Thank you all again for being there for me, I really do appreciate your help.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Huddersfield
Posts: 3
My daughter is much improved after I confronted her about the children. I don't know if she is still drinking but she is certainly not drunk. I call her at all times of the day and evening and visit at different times of the day and she seems to be OK and has stopped being aggressive towards us all. I know that this is not the end and that may be some time to come but it has certainly settled down. Thank you for being there when I needed you.
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