Yet another drunken Sat. night
It is what it is
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: NJ
Posts: 280
Yet another drunken Sat. night
Same old, same old. I'm so sick of this pattern. I've been living it for almost two years. Two very long years. These have truly been the longest years of my life. It's drained me to be in this relationship. Every single week, and I'm not kidding, every single week, we have a fight.
We had our day and evening planned out. We took our baby for her first haircut, ran a few errands and came back home. I went grocery shopping and we were supposed to walk around the city with our daughter since it was such a beautiful day. Abf was trying to go to the grocery store and had a need to do that. I asked him why he felt the need to go, that I was already going out to another store and I would handle the grocery shopping. He said it was fine for me to go. Okay.
We were making a list together as I was doing other things in the kitchen and there it was. The Aha moment. He asked me to pick him up Vodka and Red Bull. I looked at him and them said okay. Then a second later I said no. I remembered that I wasn't supposed to enable him by buying him liquor and I told him that. Sorry, I can't. It would be enabling you. He said fine, I respect that and I'll never ask you to do that again. I thought to myself: Good.
After I got back from the store, I decided to take my baby out for a walk since it was such a beautiful day. I asked if he wanted to come with us and he said no. Of course not. He needed to get to the store to get his drink of choice. Mind you we have tons of alcohol in this house. We have a custom built in bar and plenty of his beer of choice in the refrigerator. But no, that's not enough. He hasn't had vodka since Tuesday. In fact he told me he wasn't going to drink this week (ha, ha). I didn't respond to his comment when he said that. That was on Monday and by Tuesday, he had two drinks and claims he poured out the third. (I wasn't home, I was at a meeting, plus we still weren't speaking from last Sat. night's fight). Wed. he finally got me to speak to him and we kind of talked about some stuff. He said he wasn't going to drink the rest of the week but of course by Thurs. night he was drinking beer. But not vodka. You know why? He ran out. On Wed. he said he wasn't drinking and if he was it was beer only, no vodka. (I don't think he quite gets that beer is still alcohol). By Thurs. night after our counseling session, he came home and opened a beer. I went to yet another meeting, my 5th so far that week. When I got home, he again gave me the speech about how he is aware of his drinking, how he's trying to wrap his head around this whole process of quitting. That he had four beers while I was gone. (great) And that he wanted to go to a meeting with me over the weekend. Well actually wanted to know if I would go with him. Okay, I must admit, I got a little happy inside. Just a little bit, but I know better than to take his word seriously.
Yes, we did go to a meeting on Friday night. And you know what? After listening to 4 speakers discuss how great their lives were being clean, after identifying with those people and hearing how hard their lives were before they got sober, we went to dinner and he ordered a drink. Yep. and then a second. I'll be damned. I wasn't shocked, didn't act any different. I didn't say a word about it. But it did let me know that even though it was a step toward progress, him attending a meeting, he is far from being serious about his soberity. It's not as though he said he was planning to go to AA every week or planning to quit. He does say he'd like to quit and he knows he has to. But I see no evidence of it happening any time soon. And I'm not waiting for it. At least I'm trying not to. I'm working this program like the bejeezus. I attended an Al-Anon meeting on Friday too, for a total of 7 meetings in 5 days. I will continue to go and try to better myself. But man is this hard. I need all of your support.
Back to tonight. Yep, he got totally sloshed. By the time we were to sit down to dinner, wasted. Not making any sense, repeating himself every 20 minutes. He must have asked me 5 or 6 times, if I was hungry. How on earth are you supposed to act normal and not get aggravated by someone asking you the same question over and over? I ask you. How annoying. But I did it. How about when we had been discussing two hours earlier how one of our friends can't stand scrabble and how since we were planning to play that tonight, she'd never come over and play or hang out with us. It's repellant to her. Would you believe as we were sitting at the table beginning our meal, he asks me if we should invite that very same person over for scrabble. Are you kidding me? And I'm not supposed to be annoyed or exasperated by that? I can't hardly believe my ears sometimes. It takes all I can do to respond with as little emotion as possible. I just said, Uh, no, that wouldn't be a good idea. She doesn't even like scrabble, remember? We were just talking about how she can't stand it a few hours ago? Um, hello? Is there anybody in there? Bueller? I hate having a relationship with a person who is checked out half the time. I feel like I'm talking to myself. What's the point in talking about anything with him if he doesn't remember anything. And he's always drunk so there isn't a good time to tell him things. Because then if I do tell him when he's sober, he only remembers when he's sober and by the end of the day, he never is. So basically, he asks me questions about the same crap over and over. And even though I answer him, he forgets anyway. I hate this. So, he did finally leave tonight. We got in what was the beginning of an argument, I told him I was done with the conversation. He kept on and I began to explain myself, and then I realized what I was doing and again stated that I was done with the conversation. And he kept on anyway, so I picked up my cup and said this conversation is over and walked in the house. I left him out there and then calmly started cleaning the kitchen. He came in the house, did a few things (which I wasn't paying attention to) and then left the house. For the night. He won't be back until the wee hours of the morning. Lovely. Just another typical Saturday night for me. I'm glad he's gone, don't get me wrong. But it sucks living like this.
Thanks for listening. Sorry it was so long.
Jenny
We had our day and evening planned out. We took our baby for her first haircut, ran a few errands and came back home. I went grocery shopping and we were supposed to walk around the city with our daughter since it was such a beautiful day. Abf was trying to go to the grocery store and had a need to do that. I asked him why he felt the need to go, that I was already going out to another store and I would handle the grocery shopping. He said it was fine for me to go. Okay.
We were making a list together as I was doing other things in the kitchen and there it was. The Aha moment. He asked me to pick him up Vodka and Red Bull. I looked at him and them said okay. Then a second later I said no. I remembered that I wasn't supposed to enable him by buying him liquor and I told him that. Sorry, I can't. It would be enabling you. He said fine, I respect that and I'll never ask you to do that again. I thought to myself: Good.
After I got back from the store, I decided to take my baby out for a walk since it was such a beautiful day. I asked if he wanted to come with us and he said no. Of course not. He needed to get to the store to get his drink of choice. Mind you we have tons of alcohol in this house. We have a custom built in bar and plenty of his beer of choice in the refrigerator. But no, that's not enough. He hasn't had vodka since Tuesday. In fact he told me he wasn't going to drink this week (ha, ha). I didn't respond to his comment when he said that. That was on Monday and by Tuesday, he had two drinks and claims he poured out the third. (I wasn't home, I was at a meeting, plus we still weren't speaking from last Sat. night's fight). Wed. he finally got me to speak to him and we kind of talked about some stuff. He said he wasn't going to drink the rest of the week but of course by Thurs. night he was drinking beer. But not vodka. You know why? He ran out. On Wed. he said he wasn't drinking and if he was it was beer only, no vodka. (I don't think he quite gets that beer is still alcohol). By Thurs. night after our counseling session, he came home and opened a beer. I went to yet another meeting, my 5th so far that week. When I got home, he again gave me the speech about how he is aware of his drinking, how he's trying to wrap his head around this whole process of quitting. That he had four beers while I was gone. (great) And that he wanted to go to a meeting with me over the weekend. Well actually wanted to know if I would go with him. Okay, I must admit, I got a little happy inside. Just a little bit, but I know better than to take his word seriously.
Yes, we did go to a meeting on Friday night. And you know what? After listening to 4 speakers discuss how great their lives were being clean, after identifying with those people and hearing how hard their lives were before they got sober, we went to dinner and he ordered a drink. Yep. and then a second. I'll be damned. I wasn't shocked, didn't act any different. I didn't say a word about it. But it did let me know that even though it was a step toward progress, him attending a meeting, he is far from being serious about his soberity. It's not as though he said he was planning to go to AA every week or planning to quit. He does say he'd like to quit and he knows he has to. But I see no evidence of it happening any time soon. And I'm not waiting for it. At least I'm trying not to. I'm working this program like the bejeezus. I attended an Al-Anon meeting on Friday too, for a total of 7 meetings in 5 days. I will continue to go and try to better myself. But man is this hard. I need all of your support.
Back to tonight. Yep, he got totally sloshed. By the time we were to sit down to dinner, wasted. Not making any sense, repeating himself every 20 minutes. He must have asked me 5 or 6 times, if I was hungry. How on earth are you supposed to act normal and not get aggravated by someone asking you the same question over and over? I ask you. How annoying. But I did it. How about when we had been discussing two hours earlier how one of our friends can't stand scrabble and how since we were planning to play that tonight, she'd never come over and play or hang out with us. It's repellant to her. Would you believe as we were sitting at the table beginning our meal, he asks me if we should invite that very same person over for scrabble. Are you kidding me? And I'm not supposed to be annoyed or exasperated by that? I can't hardly believe my ears sometimes. It takes all I can do to respond with as little emotion as possible. I just said, Uh, no, that wouldn't be a good idea. She doesn't even like scrabble, remember? We were just talking about how she can't stand it a few hours ago? Um, hello? Is there anybody in there? Bueller? I hate having a relationship with a person who is checked out half the time. I feel like I'm talking to myself. What's the point in talking about anything with him if he doesn't remember anything. And he's always drunk so there isn't a good time to tell him things. Because then if I do tell him when he's sober, he only remembers when he's sober and by the end of the day, he never is. So basically, he asks me questions about the same crap over and over. And even though I answer him, he forgets anyway. I hate this. So, he did finally leave tonight. We got in what was the beginning of an argument, I told him I was done with the conversation. He kept on and I began to explain myself, and then I realized what I was doing and again stated that I was done with the conversation. And he kept on anyway, so I picked up my cup and said this conversation is over and walked in the house. I left him out there and then calmly started cleaning the kitchen. He came in the house, did a few things (which I wasn't paying attention to) and then left the house. For the night. He won't be back until the wee hours of the morning. Lovely. Just another typical Saturday night for me. I'm glad he's gone, don't get me wrong. But it sucks living like this.
Thanks for listening. Sorry it was so long.
Jenny
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Ugh;you did good!
Thanks for the reminder. My exAH hasn't lived here for awhile and I was missing him....I'd forgotten about all that. So annoying!!
Hope your night is quiet and peaceful, even if only for a few hours.
Thanks for the reminder. My exAH hasn't lived here for awhile and I was missing him....I'd forgotten about all that. So annoying!!
Hope your night is quiet and peaceful, even if only for a few hours.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by sunshine321 
we went to dinner and he ordered a drink. Yep. and then a second. I'll be damned. I wasn't shocked, didn't act any different. I didn't say a word about it. But it did let me know that even though it was a step toward progress, him attending a meeting, he is far from being serious about his soberity.
Take care and sorry you're having a crappy night.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Originally Posted by sunshine321
It's just par for the course. I know what the deal is and I'm still here.
It generally took about two weeks before he was drinking again. I'd get mad, feel deceived, cop an attitude. Then I figured out I couldn't change him and he didn't want to change. That's when I started working my own program, left him to live with his addiction, and got a life for myself.
I have walked in your shoes a million Saturday nights. Weekends? Always dreaded them because it meant having a slobbering, staggering drunk droning on and on and on about nonsense. Believe me, I understand the frustration it produces.
I had to save myself from being exposed to the insanity. I also worked hard at the art of detachment. I accepted what is for what IT IS. My AH is an addict. He wishes to remain an addict. His choice, his life. My choices were mine to own. And I started making them in a direction that differed from the path he had chosen.
I feel for ya, sunshine, because I know it stinks big-time. Are you attending Al-Anon? Do you have family and friends you can spend time with? I think you need to take some time to invest in yourself - because you ARE worth it!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: pa
Posts: 260
Jenny,
I feel for you,the A's in our life all follow the same script,it is amazing. You said you have a baby. I know the fear and anger you must have worring about your child living in this crazy house. My kids are 12 and 7,they have seen way to much sadness things I can never take back from their memory and that causes me great guilt. Thankfully my AH is out of our home and we do not have contact with him. Please try as hard as you can to save yourself and your child. If only I had known then what I know now I would have gotten away from him sooner.I don't know how old you are but I am 40 years old now and thinking "Where did all those years go" We have been together since we were 16 years old,over half my life being given to someone who was unable to love me back. My heart breaks for my kids who will probably never have a DAD.,as his health problems are major. He would go to meetings and buy liquor on the way home.Went to rehab 4 times and even went to jail,nothing helped him find a bottom and as these people on here told me more people don't make it in sobriety than do. I don't want you to wake upa and be 40 and wonder where your life went. God Bless and take care of you and that little one.
I feel for you,the A's in our life all follow the same script,it is amazing. You said you have a baby. I know the fear and anger you must have worring about your child living in this crazy house. My kids are 12 and 7,they have seen way to much sadness things I can never take back from their memory and that causes me great guilt. Thankfully my AH is out of our home and we do not have contact with him. Please try as hard as you can to save yourself and your child. If only I had known then what I know now I would have gotten away from him sooner.I don't know how old you are but I am 40 years old now and thinking "Where did all those years go" We have been together since we were 16 years old,over half my life being given to someone who was unable to love me back. My heart breaks for my kids who will probably never have a DAD.,as his health problems are major. He would go to meetings and buy liquor on the way home.Went to rehab 4 times and even went to jail,nothing helped him find a bottom and as these people on here told me more people don't make it in sobriety than do. I don't want you to wake upa and be 40 and wonder where your life went. God Bless and take care of you and that little one.
Becoming a Butterfly
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 904
Hey Jen - I didn't used to even have to wait for Saturday. My exAH would be trashed by 7 or 8 most week nights. On the weekends he started in the morning or afternoon and was passed out by five. What a life!
I begged him to stop. I took him to the doctor who told him he was on the verge of getting very ill. It didn't stop him. I yelled at him. I tried to control him with angry glares, stomping around the house in anger, and not speaking to him. He still drank. A few times he quit for a few weeks or months, but always he broke my heart and went back.
Even kicking him out didn't stop him. He was truly desperate to come home but even me and his stepson and his home weren't enticement enough to stop. In fact he started drinking harder, I think in some weird effort to look so wounded that I'd take him back while allowing him to drink. Boy, did that backfire. He ended up with a DWI and now he's sober because it's be sober or go to jail. He is terrified of jail.
So in the end nothing I did stopped him. The law stopped him.
I begged him to stop. I took him to the doctor who told him he was on the verge of getting very ill. It didn't stop him. I yelled at him. I tried to control him with angry glares, stomping around the house in anger, and not speaking to him. He still drank. A few times he quit for a few weeks or months, but always he broke my heart and went back.
Even kicking him out didn't stop him. He was truly desperate to come home but even me and his stepson and his home weren't enticement enough to stop. In fact he started drinking harder, I think in some weird effort to look so wounded that I'd take him back while allowing him to drink. Boy, did that backfire. He ended up with a DWI and now he's sober because it's be sober or go to jail. He is terrified of jail.
So in the end nothing I did stopped him. The law stopped him.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: "Somewhere in Ohio" ... little joke from past
Posts: 481
Jenny, I read every word of your post and it was as though someone was writing about MY abf. I can't add any additional words of advice, because we are in the same boat. The only difference is that you are in the house with him, whereas I live away from my abf, and get all my information 2nd hand about what he's up to. I just feel very sorry for you and wish you peace.
It is what it is
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: NJ
Posts: 280
Originally Posted by sunshine321
I attended an Al-Anon meeting on Friday too, for a total of 7 meetings in 5 days. I will continue to go and try to better myself. But man is this hard.
Denny - I appreciate your comments. I guess I see it as a step toward interest in the program. I certainly don't think it means much. I think he's just curious about what I'm doing at these meetings and wanted to get first hand knowledge. I guess it's an hour better spent than having yet another 2 or 3 drinks. Hmmm, boundaries? Can you give an example or some help?
Pick A Name - Glad I could help.
That's what this board is all about. AWEDA - I am almost 40 (next year) but luckily I haven't spent my whole life with this guy. It is unfortunate that I got involved with him before I realized he was a drunk and by the time I realized it, I was 4 months pregnant and we had agreed to keep the baby anyway. Oh well, maybe I was meant for this life so I could change it through Al-Anon. I do know what you are saying and I will get my kids out but I'm just not ready to do it yet. Not because I'm in love and that's what's keeping me. I don't have the energy yet. Eventually it will come and there will be no looking back.
CBrown - The day I'm out I hope the only information I know about my ABF is when he is picking up his daughter. I'm happy for you that you've gotten rid of him physically. I'll get there.
Thanks for all your imput. I need it.
Jenny
trying to get it..
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: California
Posts: 286
well sunshine...your ah sounds like me....same ole promises..same old actions as in getting sloshed, not remember what I have said, repeating myself, watching prgms with my wife, and not remembering a damn ting...episode 8, she ask you do remember what how we got here right, as in what has happened in the past...I'd say yea and she knew I was lying...I would ask my son to go get me a bottle...he would...my wife would give in...until that day came, when I sat them down and told them please, under no circumstances go and buy me anything.... Previously, I would beg cajol, promise to not go overboard.., but never kept them...and at first, when I asked them to go and fetch for me ,yea, it pissed me off, as I also asked my wife to hide the car keys so I just didn't go myself, which I would have done in the past...they finally agreed to stop enabling me...and it wasn’t there fault it was mine.. .......he has to come to grips with this in his head.....and in that, you are doing right I feel, to address your feelings and do what’s right by you, as until he comes to grip, honestly, it won’t stop...as far as not enabling him good for you...it made me think, maybe it will make him think too...best wishes...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by sunshine321
I guess it's an hour better spent than having yet another 2 or 3 drinks. Hmmm, boundaries? Can you give an example or some help?
Take care. ((()))
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 178
I don't have the energy yet.
I understand. I'm so tired when I get out of work and living with AH and his addiction/lifestyle saps any energy I have left. I feel overwhelmed when considering the physical practicalities (packing, moving, monies etc) not to mention all the energies needed for processing the emotional aspects of living with an A and a break up.
I think Alanon offers tools to help me gain the strength I need to tackle the job one day at a time so it won't be so overwhelming.
Can you afford a storage locker? This has been a big help for me considering a move one day. I pack one box at a time of stuff I don't need or use much that I want to keep and bring it to the locker whenever I have the time and energy. I've bought stuff for my new place one day and bring it there from the store. I have almost everything I need in the locker at this point of all new stuff for my kitchen! I'll leave the old stuff for AH. I started out with one box in my storage locker and now it's so FULL I'm thinking about renting a larger space. One box at time has taken me some time but doesn't feel so draining.
I understand. I'm so tired when I get out of work and living with AH and his addiction/lifestyle saps any energy I have left. I feel overwhelmed when considering the physical practicalities (packing, moving, monies etc) not to mention all the energies needed for processing the emotional aspects of living with an A and a break up.
I think Alanon offers tools to help me gain the strength I need to tackle the job one day at a time so it won't be so overwhelming.
Can you afford a storage locker? This has been a big help for me considering a move one day. I pack one box at a time of stuff I don't need or use much that I want to keep and bring it to the locker whenever I have the time and energy. I've bought stuff for my new place one day and bring it there from the store. I have almost everything I need in the locker at this point of all new stuff for my kitchen! I'll leave the old stuff for AH. I started out with one box in my storage locker and now it's so FULL I'm thinking about renting a larger space. One box at time has taken me some time but doesn't feel so draining.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 91
Jenny,
I can so relate. My AW is exactly the same way. The only difference is that she does not, nor will not, attend any kind of counseling. Every night by 9pm she's tanked up. Averaging now 12 beers within 4 hours every night. There is no consistency in anything she says or does. I too am sick of it. My plans are to be out of this crap by the first of the year. I hate living this way and I refuse to do it much longer. There are times I get so disgusted...adn then there are times I get so scared and afraid I can't walk away from it.
I'm detaching. She knows it. She keeps asking if there is anything wrong with me because I'm being distant. But if I come clean, then it leads to a big big fight. So why should I?
I can so relate. My AW is exactly the same way. The only difference is that she does not, nor will not, attend any kind of counseling. Every night by 9pm she's tanked up. Averaging now 12 beers within 4 hours every night. There is no consistency in anything she says or does. I too am sick of it. My plans are to be out of this crap by the first of the year. I hate living this way and I refuse to do it much longer. There are times I get so disgusted...adn then there are times I get so scared and afraid I can't walk away from it.
I'm detaching. She knows it. She keeps asking if there is anything wrong with me because I'm being distant. But if I come clean, then it leads to a big big fight. So why should I?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 477
"She keeps asking if there is anything wrong with me because I'm being distant. But if I come clean, then it leads to a big big fight. So why should I?"
That is the merry-go-round of living with an addict. They have no boundaries so they perceive our boundaries as (quoting XABF here)...under stress, hostile, cold, short and self-centered. When I finally learned to put boundaries in place with STBXH, the workaholic, he made the very same kinds of accusations. What I discovered was that if your boundaries are strong, you are focussing on what is best for you and don't allow yourself to be hooked back in to the circular dialogue.
ARL
That is the merry-go-round of living with an addict. They have no boundaries so they perceive our boundaries as (quoting XABF here)...under stress, hostile, cold, short and self-centered. When I finally learned to put boundaries in place with STBXH, the workaholic, he made the very same kinds of accusations. What I discovered was that if your boundaries are strong, you are focussing on what is best for you and don't allow yourself to be hooked back in to the circular dialogue.
ARL
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by sunshine321
Not to mention the effect it will have on my 4 year old. I know that me being here is effecting her too. I must say that we don't fight in front of the kids (they are usually in bed as he starts his drinking later in the evening and we don't fight inside the house. In fact I'm trying to put a stop to all fighting (that's why last night went the way it did).
Do you really want your kids in what you would undoubtedly would view as an unhealthy atmosphere if it were in a strangers house?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
sunshine, I can understand how you must feel pretty worn out by it all, particularly when you have two small children. Even under the best of circumstances, kids can really wear you out! Perhaps doing things in small steps will have a positive impact on helping you to leave for good. Putting up with all the insanity of an A can really zap our energy too. Sometimes I think it's the process of taking on all the junk that goes with moving out that keeps us stuck. After all, we've had to be strong just surviving with an A and that can be overwhelming at times.
From what I've read on this board over the years, it generally seems that once someone moves out/leaves the A, they have some rough spots, but the peace and quiet seems to be something they really enjoy.
I wish you the best, and I'm sure you'll know when you are ready to leave him.
From what I've read on this board over the years, it generally seems that once someone moves out/leaves the A, they have some rough spots, but the peace and quiet seems to be something they really enjoy.
I wish you the best, and I'm sure you'll know when you are ready to leave him.
It is what it is
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: NJ
Posts: 280
Thanks for all the ideas and well wishes.
Lady-I think that's a fabulous idea about the storage space. And you are right it wouldn't be so overwhelming to do it one box at a time. I would feel incredibly sneaky and dishonest though and I have to come to terms with that first. Not judging you, just saying for my own head.
Denny - that sounds good on paper but if we went home, the same thing would have happened. If he's going to drink, he will do it anywhere. And why should I not get to enjoy dinner out just because he's going to drink? Home and drink or out to eat and drink. Same outcome. I think I'd rather have the meal.
Askingwhy- I know that game. I just say that I am detaching for my own mental health. Big fight? Not for me because I just say, you can't control my feelings and walk away. I'm still practicing it. It will be a big fight and defense either way. If I deny that I'm being distant, he argues that I am. If I say I am detaching, he doesn't like it, it threatens him and he gets scared but at least I'm being honest and I don't feel I need to defend that. Me first. I keep telling him, stop taking inventory of my wrongs and point the finger at yourself first. I'll take care of me and you take care of you. Detaching.
ARealLady- So true. Still working on it.
Carl11 - Thanks so much for the input. I love when As chime in and offer their point of view. It helps so much. Can I ask if you and your wife are still together?
Barbara52- Thanks for the POV. I do understand what you are saying. I hope that either he gets help or I'm going to have to go. But I must get well first.
Prodigal - Emotionally I think I'm strong enough to leave him, meaning I know I'll be happier without him and I know I'll relish the peace. It's the actual physical part of packing, moving, finding another home, ripping my kids out of their comfort and the financial part that scares me. I know I can do it. I'm just not ready to tackle that. I actually was advised against any major changes my first year in recovery. I don't know that I can hold out that long if he doesn't get into program but I'm not going to do anything yet. Thanks for the understanding.
Lady-I think that's a fabulous idea about the storage space. And you are right it wouldn't be so overwhelming to do it one box at a time. I would feel incredibly sneaky and dishonest though and I have to come to terms with that first. Not judging you, just saying for my own head.
Denny - that sounds good on paper but if we went home, the same thing would have happened. If he's going to drink, he will do it anywhere. And why should I not get to enjoy dinner out just because he's going to drink? Home and drink or out to eat and drink. Same outcome. I think I'd rather have the meal.
Askingwhy- I know that game. I just say that I am detaching for my own mental health. Big fight? Not for me because I just say, you can't control my feelings and walk away. I'm still practicing it. It will be a big fight and defense either way. If I deny that I'm being distant, he argues that I am. If I say I am detaching, he doesn't like it, it threatens him and he gets scared but at least I'm being honest and I don't feel I need to defend that. Me first. I keep telling him, stop taking inventory of my wrongs and point the finger at yourself first. I'll take care of me and you take care of you. Detaching.
ARealLady- So true. Still working on it.
Carl11 - Thanks so much for the input. I love when As chime in and offer their point of view. It helps so much. Can I ask if you and your wife are still together?
Barbara52- Thanks for the POV. I do understand what you are saying. I hope that either he gets help or I'm going to have to go. But I must get well first.
Prodigal - Emotionally I think I'm strong enough to leave him, meaning I know I'll be happier without him and I know I'll relish the peace. It's the actual physical part of packing, moving, finding another home, ripping my kids out of their comfort and the financial part that scares me. I know I can do it. I'm just not ready to tackle that. I actually was advised against any major changes my first year in recovery. I don't know that I can hold out that long if he doesn't get into program but I'm not going to do anything yet. Thanks for the understanding.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by sunshine321
Denny - that sounds good on paper but if we went home, the same thing would have happened. If he's going to drink, he will do it anywhere. And why should I not get to enjoy dinner out just because he's going to drink? Home and drink or out to eat and drink. Same outcome. I think I'd rather have the meal.
It is what it is
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: NJ
Posts: 280
As a follow up of the how the rest of the weekend went:
He didn't come home until 11:00 a.m. yesterday. Now I ask myself, obviously he wasn't doing something good like helping out the boy scouts or something, so what was it he was doing that he needs to be gone for almost 24hrs? I don't spend much time on it but I wonder why the need to stay out all night? He usually comes home by 5, 6 or 7 a.m. Interesting that he chose to stay away until mid-morning. He came in, went up to his bar (he had leather couches up there) and laid down of course to sleep off his hangover. Guess he wasn't sleeping last night.
I got ready and left the house by 11:00 with my baby (my older daughter was not at home this weekend) and we took a walk. At first I was going to walk around the neighborhood. Then I extended it a little further to breakfast. We went to the bookstore, I ordered a bagel and juice and she took a small nap in her stroller while I read co-dependency no more. When she woke up we went to Marshalls and shopped. Then we went to the supermarket and I got us lunch and diapers. We then went to the toy store where I picked up a few little teething toys and we went to the park. I laid a blanket down (that I purchased at Marshalls) and we ate lunch and we played for 1 1/2 hours. This brought us to 5:15. We walked back to our house. It was a nice relaxing afternoon. For the most part, I tried to keep from being angry and thinking about him at all.
He was home when I got there but was sleeping upstairs in the bar. I don't know if he ever woke up or just kept on sleeping. I played some more with the baby and then took her up for a bath. He finally rose around 7:00 and came in to say hi to her. He also said hi to me. I said hi back and went about getting the baby dinner. At some point he said that he knew I was angry with him and he understood that I should be (his guilt). I said I'm not angry. I said you were angry with me and I assume that's why you left last night. So he ran with this and decided to bring a completely different topic up regarding the scrabble girl. He proceeded to put me down and try to make me feel bad about myself. I didn't take the bait. I did however say I was none of those things, but if that's how he saw me or the situation then that's okay. I looked up a meeting, got in the shower, and told him I'd be leaving. I kissed my daughter goodbye, kissed him goodbye (which took everything I had) and left. I didn't get home until 11:00 p.m. I didn't have a choice but to attend an AA meeting (which is fine but I really needed an Al-Anon meeting) but I felt so much better afterward. I spoke with a woman there and got some input from her. And I got myself an ice cream sundae, read my book in the car, and got a cup of coffee before returning home. When I got home he was sleeping (yay). I left him on the couch and went to bed. We don't see much of each other in the morning (I like it like that because I'm not a morning person) and he said good-bye before he left. The interesting thing is I got a call first thing in the morning asking me to help him find a beginners meeting for AA. The seed has been planted. I said yes because he really isn't efficient with the computer and told him his options. He is attending one tonight. Baby steps. I am in the moment.
Jenny
He didn't come home until 11:00 a.m. yesterday. Now I ask myself, obviously he wasn't doing something good like helping out the boy scouts or something, so what was it he was doing that he needs to be gone for almost 24hrs? I don't spend much time on it but I wonder why the need to stay out all night? He usually comes home by 5, 6 or 7 a.m. Interesting that he chose to stay away until mid-morning. He came in, went up to his bar (he had leather couches up there) and laid down of course to sleep off his hangover. Guess he wasn't sleeping last night.
I got ready and left the house by 11:00 with my baby (my older daughter was not at home this weekend) and we took a walk. At first I was going to walk around the neighborhood. Then I extended it a little further to breakfast. We went to the bookstore, I ordered a bagel and juice and she took a small nap in her stroller while I read co-dependency no more. When she woke up we went to Marshalls and shopped. Then we went to the supermarket and I got us lunch and diapers. We then went to the toy store where I picked up a few little teething toys and we went to the park. I laid a blanket down (that I purchased at Marshalls) and we ate lunch and we played for 1 1/2 hours. This brought us to 5:15. We walked back to our house. It was a nice relaxing afternoon. For the most part, I tried to keep from being angry and thinking about him at all.
He was home when I got there but was sleeping upstairs in the bar. I don't know if he ever woke up or just kept on sleeping. I played some more with the baby and then took her up for a bath. He finally rose around 7:00 and came in to say hi to her. He also said hi to me. I said hi back and went about getting the baby dinner. At some point he said that he knew I was angry with him and he understood that I should be (his guilt). I said I'm not angry. I said you were angry with me and I assume that's why you left last night. So he ran with this and decided to bring a completely different topic up regarding the scrabble girl. He proceeded to put me down and try to make me feel bad about myself. I didn't take the bait. I did however say I was none of those things, but if that's how he saw me or the situation then that's okay. I looked up a meeting, got in the shower, and told him I'd be leaving. I kissed my daughter goodbye, kissed him goodbye (which took everything I had) and left. I didn't get home until 11:00 p.m. I didn't have a choice but to attend an AA meeting (which is fine but I really needed an Al-Anon meeting) but I felt so much better afterward. I spoke with a woman there and got some input from her. And I got myself an ice cream sundae, read my book in the car, and got a cup of coffee before returning home. When I got home he was sleeping (yay). I left him on the couch and went to bed. We don't see much of each other in the morning (I like it like that because I'm not a morning person) and he said good-bye before he left. The interesting thing is I got a call first thing in the morning asking me to help him find a beginners meeting for AA. The seed has been planted. I said yes because he really isn't efficient with the computer and told him his options. He is attending one tonight. Baby steps. I am in the moment.
Jenny
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