confusedgf

So since I threw him out after his big outta town, financially devestating binge, he's gone from i want you, i want to fix this, to i'm not calling you anymore, to i love you, to gifts left in the mailbox. It so happens we know the same people (well you would after 3 years living together!). He's drinking every day. He did overtime this morning from 6 to noon, out drinking since. At least 3 days this past week after work out drinking. I think he's going to blow his phenomenal job where he's gotten constant promotions the past year working there. Apparently the big boss is not smiling at him anymore, barely says hello. There must be either booze on his breath after his night's before, or his peformance is suffering. This was a amazing opportunity this job, one that is hard to come by and gave him a secure future until retirement with amazing pension plan, etc. He won't come across a job like this again. He had the respect and admiration of all of them there.
Tonight I'm a bit sad. Mutual friends of ours, well since last summers bender we haven't been in touch with them, exA was too embarassed. We've just recently had brief contact with this couple. I was planning to head down to sit on their deck tonight, maybe bbq, have a few drinks (I socially drink, mind you not even that since being with A .... this couple are also only social drinkers). Anyhow, exA had been bugging to meet me at the lake today. I didn't bother to get ready, I knew he'd be on a bar stool somewhere and no lake was happening. I knew better than to go even if he did call. Anyhow, he is over at this couple's house, apparently been there since getting of work at noon, meaning he's falling all over by now. I'm a bit worried since i had a late night call last night , he wasn't fully loaded but well on his way, full of i love you's, you are not getting away from me, this is goign to get better, i should be back home where i belong blah blah blah. In order to go to his sisters where he lives when he is done at our friends house, he has to pass by here. I'm praying he doesn't pull a stupid stunt like stopping here.
I have to say , although I am a social drinker, I am really starting to hate the word alcohol and all it entails. I'm getting angry at what it does to people's lives, maybe I should say what people allow it to do to people's lives???
Anyhow, That's my rant/vent and much thanx for listening to the whine. It's tough, another Saturday night home alone, and it doesn't feel like my home anymore, it feels like "our" home and I don't know how to stop feeling that way. I am standing my ground, gosh he's escalating, certainly not working to help himself. I am trying to not love stupid, but darn it how do you just stop the love period??? Cuz I want off this love boat!! It's sailing to a rock cut and slamming into it over and over

sunshine321

I'm sorry you are feeling so badly right now. But as you said in your above rant/vent, he's been on a bender and nothing has changed. You had the courage to get him to move out, which is great. Keep it up. Know that if he comes back or you take him back in a moment of weakness, it will be the same if not worse than before. And what if he won't leave next time? Be glad that he is gone and try to enbrace the peace and quiet. Also the freedom. Freedom to do what you want when you want to without walking on eggshells. The fact that his drinking is escalating is probably a good thing from what I'm reading in my books. It sounds like he might be on a downward spiral which might actually get him the help he needs.

My abf just left the house drunk as can be. I am glad for the quiet. I am glad he's not here. I am so happy that he leaves even though I feel badly for other people on the road. He doesn't belong driving after drinking a 1/2 quart of Vodka on an empty stomach. He is loaded and got mad at me when I refused to continue a discussion that was getting heated. I just walked away and said I was through talking to him. That made him angry enough to up and leave without a word. But when I realized he left, I was so relieved. No one should have to live like this. Be glad you aren't for the time being.

What is it exactly that you love about him anyway? The man he can be when he isn't drinking? How often is that really? Then they are just being dry drunks. I don't think I love the person I'm with anymore. How can I? I don't even really know who he is. Just the person he tries to present every once in a while. And how much of that is manipulation or guilt? I think most of it. When he says he loves me I think to myself, how can you love me when you don't even love yourself? IMO, he can't and doesn't. Go to Al-Anon. People there will understand what you are going through.

Jenny

Pony

It is very hard when you love someone that can't seem to stop hurting themselves with addiction. You sound as if you have a pretty good head on your shoulders and that you know that he needs to stop and find recovery for himself and no one else. You also seem that you know that he doesn't seem even close to being ready to quitting. Stand firm, but don't wait around or plan your life around where he might be or what he might be doing. Get out and go do. If he is at the friends place and you don't want him to stop by....leave for a while and do something....with other friends or treat youself to a movie. Don't be there, or make it like you are not there and don't answer the door. There is no rule saying you have to. put on some music and wear headphones so you can't hear the door knock.

Just some helpful hints on how to avoid a person that you just don't want around. You don't need to listen to his promises and pleads. Get on with your own life and eventually he will have to also.

confusedgf

Thank you all. I ended up going and doing a girls night. Of course the drunk slurring messages were on my machine when i arrived home. I am kind of mad at myself for this, but I did something I'll either be grateful to myself for doing, or kick myself for doing. I'm leaning toward grateful. I showed up at his sisters house, where he is living, woke him up off her couch, he was pretty close to sober by this point. I told him to look into my face, take a good look, a lonnnnng LAST look, that I am D-O-N-E. To say goodbye because I never wanted to hear from him again or I would take action (police action) to keep him away from me. That I have deserved better from day one and I am finished. He of course, even though pretty much sober, told me I looked guilty, I must have met someone else. I would have laughed had I been in a laughing mood. He will obviously never know the love I have in my heart for him or how deeply he is loved. I have to let go, completely. I can't take one more second of this. I walked outside to wait for a taxi, by the time he followed me there was only a minute or so until my taxi arrived. He sat in a chair, me on a swing, and in that two minutes he said not a word except where was I tonight, what was I doing, I must have met somebody. When the taxi arrived I told him I hadn't met anybody, but even if I had, it was no longer any of his business, nor is the destruction of his life as he has known it any of my business. In a lack of class moment, I told him to F off and stay the F out of my life. I meant it. Tomorrow I'll be wondering if this was the right way to say this all, I mean, I meant every word. My heart can't take anymore of this. I know I deserve the total package, not somebody who is a person I no longer know. The booze on his breath, even though he had slept it all off mostly and was pretty sober, made my stomache turn.
I'm defeated. I'm done. I'm devestated. I'm demoralized. I'm ashamed I allowed myself to love someone like this for so long. A part of me hates myself, another part of me hates him . For suckering me in, for making believe I was loved and cherished and valuable , instead I find I'm nothing but dispensible.
I'm crying and I am so sick of crying over this man and his problems.

ladyjane

(((confusedgf)))

I'm so sorry your feeling so bad right now. We are all "suckered" in by our As at one time or another. They are really good at it. Believe me, you're only dispensible to him because you no longer want to buy into his garbage.
You do deserve better, the whole package!
Be good to yourself today.
______________
Trish

Pony

Confused...... Hey girl it's Independance Day.......

You just declared your independance from this man and his drinking life. Celebrate Hon, and you'll feel it was definately the right thing to do. There is no really perfect way to have handled it, but it is done and that is what is important here to remember.

Listen, I know that it will take some time to feel happy about this and how hard it is to feel good about letting someone that you love go, but You are worth more than someone who that can't appreciate what you have to offer of yourself in love.

confusedgf

Thank you all. I didn't look back today with regret on how I handled it. I think for me it was important he didn't just get to run away and avoid the face of the person he decimated. I wanted him to have to face the face, so to speak. Silent phone today, I'll pray it stays that way.
My friends mom is in the process of dying, suprised if she lasts the night. It will be good for me to be there for my friend, first because he is a dear friend and second because it gets my mind off this whole mess.

kglast

(((confused))) just want you to know that you are being thought of today...i understand your pain. your line about being angry at him for making you feel valuable, loved, and cherished when all you were was dispensible really hit home with me...i am very angry about that too....it is very hard to accept...i feel like a fool for believing he loved me enough to do whatever it took to work things out whenever we had problems...that was his promise...even before he proposed to me...what a slap in the face....sorry for babbling so much on your thread.....