codependent1

Hello everyone! I have been coming here close to a year and 1/2. I haven't posted much....but feel very much like a member of the family. First, let me thank you all for your honesty and your posts; it's amazing the sense of peace you get from simply knowing you are not alone. I live with my rabf. In fact, the first time I came here was last April or May when he went into rehab for cocaine addiction. It was only then that I realized that I was in as much trouble with addictive behaviors as he was.
Like so many others, I was addicted to "fixing" him, "saving" him. I now see so clearly how insane and utterly egotistical it is to believe that you have the power to save or change another human being (particularly one in active addiction). Addicts are liars....straight up. It doesn't matter how much "potential" you see in that person "if only he/she could stop the drugs"; because the truth is, when and if they do ever stop using.....you are in for a rude awakening (as I was) that all of your problems will be simple in comparison. You see, NOTHING can prepare you for the roller coaster that comes with recovery. As I said, it's been almost a year and 1/2. He has had 2 "slips" that I know of. Both were one nighters that left him feeling ashamed and defeated; but more importantly, both came after he and I had argued, plunging me back into the ol' familiar pattern of guilt and blame.

Then there was the stage of uncertainty where he suddenly questioned whether or not we should be together. You know the drill. Where suddenly out of the blue after ALL the #$it you've trudged through with him, he suddenly has an awakening and says "Maybe I just need to do some soul-searching and find out who I really am and what I reallly want in a relationship". That one hurt much worse than the slips.

The point I am trying to make is this. Please don't let your guard down at any time during this process. Recovery soooo doesn't mean you are home free. Many times you will wake up and realize that you are now with a stranger. He has to rediscover who he really is without his familiar "coping mechanism" (drug), and in my case, he was a much more affectionate, apologetic, humble person while using. I suppose he felt guilty all of the time. Sad to say, but the codie in me actually misses that from time to time. Bottom line, now, more than ever, I am dusting off the copy of CoDependant No More and loving myself, or trying to. No matter where you are in this process, FOCUS ON YOURSELF. You are never "home free" when dealing with an addict.....and that includes your own addiction to him/her. Much Love and Tremendous Thanks to all of you who post. You have literally saved my life.

Ann

Codie1, I'm glad that our sharing helped you cope with a heartbreaking mess.

Stick around, share what you know with the newcomer walking in the door, and you can just pass it forward and know you've helped the next person too.

That's how this program works, one codie helping another.

Thanks for the kind words, sometimes we forget how many people are reading only and may get something from our posts.

Hugs

lightseeker

Codie1,

Thanks for posting. My experience has been similar in that recovery is actually as difficult - if not more so than active addiction. Just in a different way. For me, I've had to learn to completely focus on me - which is a foreign concept. BOUNDARIES - woo - who knew they were so difficult to respect and that I was the main one to sabatoge myself. This site has been a lifesaver for me too.....I can come here 24/7 to get a dose of recovery and/or get outside of my own head and be there for another suffering codie. It's what saves me routinely.

It is only with time that I finally can 100% concur with your recommendation to NEVER let your guard down. I was grieving for the "me" that used to be innocent and didn't have to live with my guard up all of the time. Actually, it was an wounded part of me that left me so vulnerable. I might miss that "me" but it definitely was a part of me that set myself up for pain. I deluded myself regarding what emotional and verbal abuse really is and struggled to accept it. This site helped to put me in touch with the concept that many of us suffer abuse at the hands of our addicts/recovering addicts. The stoppage of drugs/alcohol leave the addict w/o their coping mechanisms and so the subtle abuse is insidious. They stop their pain by whatever methods they can - like irritability, control, and anger. I was so glad that my RAH wasn't using that I lowered the bar on what treatments that I would take. Once I found Patricia Evans and her books I began to wake up to what was really going on and found techniques to actually address/end the continual emotional pain and anguish that I have felt over the last two years.

I'm glad that you wrote and it made me feel less alone - sometimes I feel like "what do I have to complain about" but really, all I am doing is sharing my experience. And finally, I hope that I am to the point where I beginning to share my hope.....hope that each day will not be lived in emotional pain with depression lurking. That the "gut ache" that I frequently feel is not permanent. That with practice that this program becomes a way of life. And that the promises begin to come true. I NEVER thought that I'd ever get to the point where I didn't live in fear that my RAH would relapse. Now, if he's sick enough to allow that to happen then I am better off away from him. I would be terribly sad but I've fixed my life so that it really wouldn't be castastrophic - except for him. I'm through with trying to get water from a well that runs dry frequently. But - it's a daily reprieve that I work to earn.

Thanks for sharing - Donna

Wascally Wabbit

I too am thankful for SR.
Without it, I think I would have gone insane!

hbb

Thank you for posting that, i feel parallel to what you wrote. My exrabf left me like you mentioned, sober. I went through unbelievable amounts of BS for him to leave me. He wanted to "clear his head". It's such a weird place for me now,single, depressed, lonely and sad. Thanks for the inspiration. I know it's his loss but damn it hurts bad.

codependent1

Light seeker

"Once I found Patricia Evans and her books I began to wake up to what was really going on and found techniques to actually address/end the continual emotional pain and anguish that I have felt over the last two years."

Please share some of these techniques, as I would love to learn some new ways to "stop the pain". My rabf is a master at controlling, me in particular....and with my personality, I constantly battle boundaries. I try to set them, but often realize before i even know what's happened, that I've compromised. I realize now, more than ever, that he truly still has a long way to go....as do I. Many, many days I question whether it's worth it to stay....but b/c we've endured so much, I hate to be the one to throw in the towel. However, I am smart enough to relaize that our relationship is "sick" in many ways. Am I just stuck in an endless cycle? A losing battle? Am I the only one who feels this way?

Lobo

codie1,
I am the mom of an addicted daughter and yes I do feel like sometimes I am fighting a losing battle. There are days I have hope and other days I feel completely hopeless. I'm tired of fighting this battle. They say an addict will change when the pain of using becomes greater than the pain of quitting. I feel the same way for myself. I will give up the fight when the fight becomes harder than the freedom to let go.

BigSis

It is posts like yours that I hope many newcomers can read... the idea of "everything will be fine once they are sober" is one each of us held at one time, I think.

I know for me, recovery in my qualifiers has been almost as difficult as was active addiction... I say "almost" because the fear of them dying does go away (some) when they are no longer out on the street.

Your post is a good one, and shows some incredible recovery. Thank you!! ((hugs))