ladyamalthea

I think I've mentioned recently that my mom and sister are still butting heads a lot because mom swears sister is relapsing and is still trying to control sister's every move... and how she keeps trying to pull me into everything.

Well...

Today, I spent the morning at my parents' house, since it is right down the street from my mechanic friend. Mom got mad at ras (yes, I'm still calling her "r"as until I know differently for sure) and began to yell irrationally and scream obsenities and threaten to take away priveledges, etc... all when it was just mom and I in the room. Ras was asleep in bed... after all, it was only 6:30 am.

I had decided I had had enough of this. I couldn't listen to it any longer. "Mom," I began.

"No... don't you MOM me!!! I've had it. I am fed up with her bs!" she continued to scream.

"Mom..."

"I said don't MOM me! I'm so mad I could take away her phone...."

And I finally just said, remaining calm...

"Mom, I don't mean to be rude or anything, but me hearing you say all of these things is helping no one. Not me, not Melissa, and especially not you."

And she said NOTHING. For the first time in months, I was at my parents' house and it was quiet enough to hear the gentle hum of the air conditioning. Or the jingling of my dog's ID tags as she hopped up on the couch to snuggle with me.

Granted, Mom went upstairs and was that much more irrational with my sister... yelled at her for a good twenty minutes, while neglecting my father, whom I found out later had needed medical attention at the time. So, Mom still has a ways to go before she is ready to actively pursue her own recovery... and hopefully ras is strong enough to make as much progress as possible underneath that kind of pressure...

But gosh darnit, I was finally able to find a way to tell her that I couldn't listen to that stuff anymore. On one hand, I feel like I've abandoned her somehow... but on the other hand, you guys know how crazy it was making me to try to simmer my way through all that mess. Now maybe she will get the hint that I don't want to assume that role any longer...

Lobo

Lady, I think you handled that extremely well. Your recovery is shining through.
I'm glad you were able to tell your mom that you couldn't listen to that stuff anymore and keep your cool at the same time. Maybe she will think about what you said. I as a mom know her frustration with your sister. She just wants to shake her into doing what is right. I have been there........I know. You and I both know that it doesn't work. Basically we are helpless and only the addict can control it. Hopefully your mom will come to the realization that she cannot scream it away or any other way that she is trying to fix her is not going to work. Sounds like your mom needs a lot of help. It seems like her only focus is your sister and her recovery.
She is even ignoring your father. I was where your mom is and when I hear what you are saying it all becomes so real to me. I am in a much better place now. There is so much wrong in my world but I am still better than I was before I came to SR. I know that most things are out of my control, but I still deserve to have a good life in spite of it all. I wish your mom would come to SR, maybe it would help her to talk to the other moms.
You are such a good daughter. I admire you.

Hugs.............Lo

ladyamalthea

Lobo,

Thanks for the encouragement. I've actually tried to get my mom to come onto SR before, and she doesn't seem too interested. I just hope and pray that she'll be ready to get the help she needs soon... but I know I have to stay out of that as much as I had to stay out of everything else; here again, I am totally powerless. You are right. You deserve a good life, and so does my mom.

cece1960

Nice job Lady...sometimes it does wear off on others.
But in the mean time, keep YOU in mind and maybe Mom will follow.
((((Hugs)))
Cece

pjbs55

Great job Lady,
Being a mom myself I know that your mom only wants the best for both of you, but she is handling the wrong way. If you go to Nar-Anon or Al-Anon meetings ask your mom is she would like to go with you. She needs help, and yes you are powerless over both of them. Your mom has to hit her bottom like you did & your sister did before she will ask for help.
Your recovery is shining, keep working on YOU and remember you can say NO like you just did.
Hugs,

marle

Your mom still thinks she has some control. Sounds like maybe she is getting close to a bottom. I remember last summer going to my daughter's apartment at midnight to take back the car that we lent her. I was sitting in the car and throwing her things out the door and screaming at her the whole time. She was picking up her things and not saying anything. Who was the crazy one When I think back on that night I have compassion for both people involved because I know we were both hurting at the time. Would your parents be willing to discuss the option of your sister being out on her own. Anyway, you did good. Keep taking care of you. Hugs, Marle

Wascally Wabbit

You did the right thing. I am proud of you. Now, if I could only practice that with my mom when she goes off.