mersault22

Hi there.

I've been checking out this forum here and there over the last month or so and I must say that you all seem to be so great with helping one another, and it feels like a wonderful place to come for support. So...here I am.

The story is that my brother is an alcoholic. He is 23 years old, I am 28. He lives with my grandparents about a half hour from where I live. He lives with them because we never knew our father and our mother died of a heroin overdose when we were younger.

It started about 4 years or so ago, I first noticed that his reaction to alcohol was not like anyone elses i knew. He became a totally different person, capable of violence and saying truly hurtful things. At one point he smashed a mirror and threw the glass around my house. I had to sit on him to restrain him. Of course, my grandparents never got up the courage to kick him out of the house. They feel too bad for him.

Since then, there have been several occasions where he has showed up on my grandparents front porch drunk out of his mind, accompanied by police officers. he has been arrested 3 times, the last time being about 3 months ago. Of course, after that, he swore up and down that he was going to stop. This was the time. I reluctantly said "ok", and tried to trust him. Lo and behold, a month or so later, he went on a binge that this time included taking and selling xanax, totalling a car, and losing his job. He once again said he would stop, then the next weekend I got a call from my grandfather that he sounded drunk. So, against my better judgement, I called him, and he was. Again, against my judgement, I picked him up from whatever hotel he was at and took him back to my place where he told me he had been drinking that whole week while telling me he wasn't.

This was a huge revelation for me, because up to this point I had always believed that while he lied to my grandparents he would always tell me the truth. Obviously not. But, after that night, he really did seem to straighten up. I run a theater company, and I put him in one of my shows, it really brightened his spirits and kept him busy. He was with me a lot, and not drinking at all. So i felt relieved.

Then, last night, he was texting me to go online to play video games with him, so I did. As soon as i heard his voice over the online game, I knew that he was drunk. After a month and a half of not drinking and doing so well. I called him out on it and it caused a huge fight. He told me to f*** myself, he VEHEMENTLY denied being drunk to the point of being so offended by it, I couldn't believe it. He was so obviously drunk yet taking such extreme offense at my asking him if he was. He said that I had become jsut like my grandparents, calling him over and over to make sure he was ok, asking him if he was drunk, etc.

This may be true, but he was clearly drunk. Of course, after telling me to go to hell and dont talk to him anymore and dont help him anymore, he texted me this morning to ask me to go to the movies, as if NOTHING had happened. He even stopped by my apartment to pick something up, and acted as though it was another day. I tried my best to just ignore it, made no mention of it. I guess it's better to let him live in his own shame.

That's the short version(if you can believe it), but now my real problem is that I realize that I have no control over this situation, and must begin letting go, and I just don't know how to do it. I am so wrapped up in worrying what he is doing that I often stay up all night waiting for a phone call. 9 times out of 10 I am worrying for no reason, but its the possibility of the 10th time that drives me nuts. It has become so distracting that its affecting my relationship with my girlfriend, and my overall enjoyment of life.

I need help, just wondering where to start.

Sorry this is so long.

Thanks for reading.

-j

cagefree

Hey (((((mersault22 )))))

So sorry to hear you are going through this. Are you going to Al-Anon? Detaching seemed so daunting to me in the beginning that I felt there was no way I could ot it...

But, I learned little things here and there and started to put them into practice one at a time - and when they were all practiced together, I began to detach.

Taking that first step is the hardest I think...once you've got that momentum, the next and additional steps get easier and easier IMHO.

Worrying is tough - but your higher power can with that.

Spiritual Seeker

My heart goes out to you. As you will know from reading here, there isn't a whole lot you can do about your brother. He will have to walk his own path in life as an alcoholic until he finds a better way. Your goal is to learn how to find your joy and life regardless of your bro. Maybe you can take your grandparents to al-anon mtgs. Or order some of their books (even available of Amazon) to learn about enabling and detactment. Keep reading and posting.

denny57

welcome mersault, glad you're here!

Read all you can and keep posting.

((()))

justjo

It does sound like you and your brother are close therefore, I gather he needs you ! He knows your grandparents will do most for him but sounds like hes not so sure with you.
My son was just like him but at a much younger age. He is now 23 and still does drugs. It can be a hard emotional rollercoaster if you let it honey. What I did was cut the strings (it was very hard for me as a mother) It was ruining me and my health and my life was directed by him.
I told him to leave me alone and sort himself out. I wasnt going to assist with this problem he had anymore. Made rules that he couldnt come home under any influence andI actually closed the door on him a couple of times.
He did finally get help but has never quite given it up. We have an understanding now, we hug and tell each other we love each other but we dont speak of it anymore. He just doesnt come home if he has used.
Our biggest fear I think, is the thought of loosing them, maybe if Im tough, I wont see him anymore. Believe me he may go away and brood for a while but he will return because you are his sister.

Mair

So so sorry to hear of such pain, this is no life for you, you did not choose it your brother did. youve come to the right place, this is the start of your recovery. Read all you can about the disease, it helps you understand that there is nothing you can do to stop him, and that doing the things that come naturally between siblings and loved ones doesn't work with alcoholics. take care of you

Mair x

wish he'd quit

Sorry you are having such a rough time right now. But it sounds like there is a bit of manipulation in the air where you are too. My brother in law makes the same kind of comments about helping him and is the same way with his parents as your brother is with the grandparents. When I read that your brother is living with your grandparents I got a bit worried for them. You might want to have a heart to heart with them about ab living there and make sure that he has not done anything like steal from them or some how putting them in danger. If you suspect that he is and they are elderly or somehow incapacatated report them to a county social services department or the police. I wouldn't try to handle it yourself since it's obvious that he isn't likely to stop. You are likely to become the "bad guy" once you start calling him on the behavior and he realizes the enabling is stopping. But stand your ground and take care of you and your grandparents first. It sounds like they need you as well. Good luck!

splendra

Hey there and welcome to Sober Recovery.

I to have siblings who drink to excess and take drugs to boot. After years and years of trying to help them I have given up. I still hope they will one day get it. I have my life and they can have theirs.

I still love them but I just can't afford the emotional toll or the financial one either anymore.

I would like to suggest that you take good care of yourself. As for your grand parents they probably need to take care of themselves too. They probably feel a lot of guilt over your mom and feel responsible for your brothers drinking.

It is not anyones fault really but, I think it is still up to your brother to decide what he wants for his life. It is hard facing that someone we love would rather soak their brain in alcohol than have a real life.

When someone is out of control it seems like someone ought to take the reigns and try and steer them to safety but, addiction is a powerful force....it is kind to not let them hurt us because there is consequences to all of our actions and theirs. If we let them hurt us it piles more on them. Please try to understand this.

I know it is scary to watch them do so much harm to themselves so a solution would be to not sit in the front row of their drama. Maybe if you don't give him any attention while he is drunk it could help something....

mersault22

Hey guys, thanks for all your responses!

Last night was my first attempt at not contacting him at all to see what he was doing and make sure he was ok before going to sleep. It went well in that I didnt call him or text him, but I was up all night. Oh well, baby steps I suppose.

I have realized that if and when he is drunk again I can't give him any attention. I don't even want to give him attention when he's sober right now. I am still reeling from the other night and in a bit of shock at his absolute denial of the incident. He is in for a rude awakening if he thinks things will be going back to "normal" with us that easily.

Anyway, thanks again. There really is nothing more helpful than knowing you are not alone.

-j