Predicament
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Anchorage, AK
Posts: 221
Predicament
I find myself in a very interesting situation. AH's girlfriend called me at work yesterday asking if I'd seen or heard anything from AH. They were supposed to fly back to work (both work for the same company) on Saturday five days ago, but he never showed up. He's been on a two and a half week binge now and hasn't called me or his parents in at least a week.
Thoughts are swirling in my head. Here goes yet another woman worried sick about my husband. His mother can't sleep from anxiety, I suffered from his alcoholism for what feels like forever, our baby girl hardly knows him, and now this youngster... And when I say youngster, I don't mean it sarcastically. She is 21 and he is 36. She sounds so sweet on the phone, as if she is still an adolescent, and almost makes me feel maternal. I want to warn her about the full gravity of AH's addiction, but I know it's not my place. Or is it? I am torn as to how much information to disclose. She is still so young and has no idea what she is getting herself into.
She is actually coming to town with her brother and AH's boss to "look for him"--good gracious, we've ALL done that so many times... Same situation, different players.
Thoughts are swirling in my head. Here goes yet another woman worried sick about my husband. His mother can't sleep from anxiety, I suffered from his alcoholism for what feels like forever, our baby girl hardly knows him, and now this youngster... And when I say youngster, I don't mean it sarcastically. She is 21 and he is 36. She sounds so sweet on the phone, as if she is still an adolescent, and almost makes me feel maternal. I want to warn her about the full gravity of AH's addiction, but I know it's not my place. Or is it? I am torn as to how much information to disclose. She is still so young and has no idea what she is getting herself into.
She is actually coming to town with her brother and AH's boss to "look for him"--good gracious, we've ALL done that so many times... Same situation, different players.
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 792
that IS a predicament!
i'm not sure what the right answer is... but i don't think it would hurt telling her your thoughts and everything you've gone though... and telling her she can't control what he does, and how making yourself sick over worrying about him isn't going to change anything. it may not have any effect on her or what she does, but i would just feel better if i had given her a fair warning. probably not the right answer, but it's what i would do.
i'm not sure what the right answer is... but i don't think it would hurt telling her your thoughts and everything you've gone though... and telling her she can't control what he does, and how making yourself sick over worrying about him isn't going to change anything. it may not have any effect on her or what she does, but i would just feel better if i had given her a fair warning. probably not the right answer, but it's what i would do.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 477
Suggest to her that she join this forum!
If you have the opportunity to tell her some of the hard, cold facts about relationships with an A, you would be doing her a favour. She might not listen but you will have tried. However, it really isn't your problem, is it?
ARL
If you have the opportunity to tell her some of the hard, cold facts about relationships with an A, you would be doing her a favour. She might not listen but you will have tried. However, it really isn't your problem, is it?
ARL
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
Think back to the beginning of your relationship with your husband. What if a former girlfriend had stepped forward then to warn you of what the future held for you if you continued your relationship. Would you have listened? Would it have done any good? Or did you have to learn for yourself?
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
two of my xh women and i have become telephone friends. his first wife said to me....i wish i would have known you then, i could have warned you.
and i said.....it would have not made a difference..i was gonna marry that man no matter what.
but, the other one said she would have listened.
it's strange how all three of us share this same connection. and it was very healing to know that we all three had lived the same life. it was affirmation that we were not crazy.
the third woman is the new kid on the block, so we are offering lots of support to her, calling her to check on her, reassuring her that what happened was just what he does, and she did not fail. we keep reassuring her to focus on herself.
so, it may be a good thing just to share experience, strength, and hope with this young woman.
p.s. this last woman.....i have to admit tries my patience at times....she keeps repeating....but, i'm a size 4! i said....honey, it doesn't matter....i'm oprah winfrey style of woman, and you are a size 4......neither one of us could get him sober.
she knows i'm a larger woman and she drives it home every chance she gets about things he said about my size. i bite my tongue from telling her how much he enjoyed my playground. she is still believing that what he said was the gospel and can't believe he turned away a size 4. size 4. geeeeezzzzzz i can't begin to imagine.
we are gently trying to introduce her to the idea of the insanity of alcoholism and mental illnessess.
durn, it's like we have our own version of "al-anon ex-wifes club"
and i said.....it would have not made a difference..i was gonna marry that man no matter what.
but, the other one said she would have listened.
it's strange how all three of us share this same connection. and it was very healing to know that we all three had lived the same life. it was affirmation that we were not crazy.
the third woman is the new kid on the block, so we are offering lots of support to her, calling her to check on her, reassuring her that what happened was just what he does, and she did not fail. we keep reassuring her to focus on herself.
so, it may be a good thing just to share experience, strength, and hope with this young woman.
p.s. this last woman.....i have to admit tries my patience at times....she keeps repeating....but, i'm a size 4! i said....honey, it doesn't matter....i'm oprah winfrey style of woman, and you are a size 4......neither one of us could get him sober.
she knows i'm a larger woman and she drives it home every chance she gets about things he said about my size. i bite my tongue from telling her how much he enjoyed my playground. she is still believing that what he said was the gospel and can't believe he turned away a size 4. size 4. geeeeezzzzzz i can't begin to imagine.
we are gently trying to introduce her to the idea of the insanity of alcoholism and mental illnessess.
durn, it's like we have our own version of "al-anon ex-wifes club"
Practicing the lion's roar
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 291
Originally Posted by embraced2000 
she keeps repeating....but, i'm a size 4!
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by embraced2000
she knows i'm a larger woman and she drives it home every chance she gets about things he said about my size.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Anchorage, AK
Posts: 221
That's precisely it, even if I tell this girl about everything that happened and how it is and how it will most likely be in the future, I highly doubt she would heed the warning. You can't fully understand until you actually go through the experience, feel it with your own skin... Besides, like Denny said, once agian I would be thinking and talking about AH! That man is like a sliver in my brain, always there, always giving me tiny jolts of pain and anxiety.
Today is such a glorious morning and on my way to work, I was wondering if AH could be dead from alcohol poisoning. Nobody's heard from him. Good Lord.
Today is such a glorious morning and on my way to work, I was wondering if AH could be dead from alcohol poisoning. Nobody's heard from him. Good Lord.
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Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 471
They always shoot the messenger! If my experience is any indicator, your AH probably told the new girl all sorts of lies about you to make himself look like the injured party, and new girlfriend may not be at a place yet where she could accept the truth from you. When I met my XAH, some people tried to "warn" me .. I even saw some warning signs myself. But that wacky combo of blind love and an AH who managed to keep me clear of anyone who might tell me the truth..... well, needless to say, I didn't accept the truth til it hit me between the eyes. Heck, I'm still in denial in a lot of ways.
I would stay clear of the situation for fear of getting sucked into the chaos. If the girl approaches you on it, suggest a meeting for her. Thats the kindest thing you can do for both her and you.
So sorry for your worry about AH. I'll be praying for all of you.
I would stay clear of the situation for fear of getting sucked into the chaos. If the girl approaches you on it, suggest a meeting for her. Thats the kindest thing you can do for both her and you.
So sorry for your worry about AH. I'll be praying for all of you.
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