nmt51605

Hey Guys.
Something Happened And I Dont Know What To Do.
My Ex's Cousin Passed Away 2 Days Ago. She Was In A Car Accident. His Grandmother Called Me And Let Me Know What Happened. I Dont Know If I Should Show Up For Anything. I Dont Want To Run Into My Ex. I Didnt Really Know Her That Well Either. I Only Met Her A Couple Of Times. Im Probably Just Going To Send Flowers Or Something To Pay My Respects.
Will That Be Ok Or Should I Still Show Up In Person? I Really Dont Think Its The Best Thing Because Of My Ex But Hopefully Just Sending Something Will Be Ok And His Family Will Understand.

He Called And Left A Voicemail Where He Was Just Crying I Almost Wanted To Pickup The Phone And Comfort Him But I Couldnt. Was That To Harsh? I Feel Really Guilty For Not Answering That Call Knowing What Happened. I Feel Like The Worst Person In The World For It.

Amy( By The Way This Is Almost My Real Name My Real Name Is A Little To Hard To Pronounce Right I Just Hadnt Felt Comfortable Enough Until Now)

cece1960

Hi Amy,
I would not go. Sending something is very kind. Perhaps a personal note to the grandma would be a nice thing as well. And of course prayers are free and abundant.
Us codies really have a hard time stepping back from what doesn't concern us. And the death of a gal you hardly knew doesn't involve us.
I know the "nice" thing to do would be show support for the family, but thats just not practical right now without strring things up with the ex.
Don't feel guilty about the ex crying either...I don't intend to be mean, but in dealing with my son, he would jump aboard ANY family crisis if he thought he'd benefit.
(((Hugs)))
Cece

Elana

My ex husband died in 2004. We had been married over 19 years. We were divorced in 2001.

Due to the animosity of his family towards me, I did not attend the funeral. Fact is, I don't believe I even sent a card to them.

I did have guilt, but I have shed guilt as a selfish feeling which is self imposed. His family inherited an estate worth nearly a million dollars while I got $120k out of the divorce. They inherited that money because of my hard and dedicated work. I felt no obligation in the face of this to go to the funeral. Going would have done nothing for me and he was dead, so there was no point.

That is my experience. I would send a card and flowers unless you are very close to HER family and your attendance would bring (first and foremost) closure to you and comfort to them.

Mertzie

In the case of someone you didn't know well, sending flowers or a card is perfectly appropriate. If it wouldn't violate a personal boundary with your ex, then maybe send him a sympathy card (just a simple word of condolence... not an invitation to provide additional comfort). If you don't feel comfortable with that or feel he would take advantage of the situation, then don't do it. Above all, don't feel guilty about whatever you decide. It is not your responsibility. Hugs

nmt51605

Im Close To His Grandmother When I Cried She Would Hug Me And Listen To Me I Think I Miss Her More Somtimes Than I Miss My Ex. But I Think If I Go It Would Only Stir Up A Hornets Nest. I Think His Presence Alone Will Do That. He Go Into A Fight With His Mom Because He Fell Back And Started Using Again He Called Her Names And She Kicked Him Out Of The House The Rest Of His Family Is Pretty Angry At Him To. So I Really Dont Think That I Should Go. They Want To See Me Because Of The Baby And I Dont Want His Family To Be Near My Child Either(except For His Gm) His Mom Is Not The Nicest Person In World And All She Ever Did While I Was With My Ex Was Get In The Relationship And Tried To Split Us Up So I Think Im Just Sending Flowers

Noah812

A body viewing and the funeral is generally performed for friends and loved ones fo the deceased. It is a form of closure for those people and helps to kick off the acceptance of the loss and the healing process. I have gone to friends funerals out of respect for my friends. I also due to the circumstance at the time I did not go to a very dear person to me. I do not think you should feel bad about not going and I think since you are not with your XABF you have no obligation to be there. You did not have a relationship with this person befroe she died so you can pay your respects to the family IF you want to but you don't owe it to the dead girl to be there. You do not owe it to your xabf or his family. Send flowers if you feel you should or need to and don't attend the funeral if your not comfortable doing so. We all have our own level of personal tragedies that we have to deal with without having to deal with everybody elses. If you were together that is one thing but since your not I dont think you were too harsh by not picking up the phone and comforting him. You two are not together, you would only upset yourself if you talked to him and you have to think about yourself first. Your presence at the funeral probably is not expected and if it is for some weird reason I am sure it will be understood that you dont want to go. If she was young the grieving will most likely be bad. I would not want to go either. Send flowers to them and dont feel guilty for doing what is right for you and not your xabf.

parentrecovers

flowers or a food basket to the family is a nice gesture. i don't think i'd go though, not now. blessings, and sorry about the loss, k

just for today

If the one you are wishing to comfort is the GM....then send the flowers and a card to her......this would be a kind and loving gesture to repay her kindness to you.......you have no reason to feel guilty as far as the rest of the family.....but as always do what you can live and feel comfortable with.....

Peace and

pjbs55

Amy,
Since you are close to GM and not the rest of the family I think I would send her something. If you can at a later date stop by and see how she is doing. But most of all do what you feel is best for you. You have no reason to feel guilty for not going. I just lost my FIL and did not attend. I went to the cementry a couple of days later to say my good byes. I did that so I would not cause problems with the family.
Prayers coming to you and GM

nmt51605

I Decided No To Go
Im Still On Bed Rest Anyway And I Cant Put Myself In A Stressful Situation Because Of My Baby. So I Ordered Flowers And Thats The End Of It. I Cant See My Ex And I Dont Want To And If He Sees Me Right Now I Scared He Will Try To Do Something To Me So Im Staying Home
Thanks Guys

GiveLove

NMT,

If you love his grandma and she is in distress, offer your support to her (phone, nice card, etc.) But I'm glad you're not going to the funeral.

Hugs,
GL

hope213

i wouldn't go to the funeral. you did not know her well, as you said. i would not go a round the family at all where i might see the ex. he has his family & him being an addict this is another way for him to "get to you". stay away,send a card, send flowers. prayers for you, your ex & his family.

Wascally Wabbit

Do what you feel in your heart what you want to do.
If you do not feel comfortable, then don't do it.
If you feel you need to go, then go.

greeteachday

I think you made a good decision for you and the baby. You don't need stress now and sending your sympathy is certainly a lovely gesture.

marteen

I have learned one very important lesson in life - don't always do that which you feel "guilt" about - not without careful consideration of the outcome. Ask yourself, "What's the worse that could happen?" If you can live with it, it's probably ok but if not, reconsider carefully.

You can pay respects to her without having to show up at the funeral.