stillsearching

Hi guys,

As you know a few months ago I kicked my AH out because of his behavior. Well, after a period of time I let him back (yes I know dumb on my part) but of course he told me he had talked to his Doctor about his drinking and that he was willing to do something about. The 2nd night after being home he came home staggering drunk, the next day I told him he had to leave again and he refused, saying I am not leaving again. UGHHHHHH!!

Anyway he has been on vacation this week, so he has been drunk alot...yesterday I went into the garage to throw something in the recycle bin. I missed and the can landed under a bag of garbage where AH stands to smoke and throws his old cigs into. I picked up the bag to get the can, and was a bottle of whiskey......it made me sick to my stomach. He was drunk yesterday again..I was so pissed off.

He was going to take the girls to the movies today but since he has been drinking again, I have told him that he can not take them. I have not let him drive with our children for months because of his drinking.

While he was out of the house, I told our 8 yr old daughter that he would be gone for awhile because he has issues to work on...I left it at that,

This morning he asks me who is going to take the girls to the movies, I say I will because he can not be trusted to drive with them. He then starts saying about how he does not appreciate me telling out daughter that he has issues, I say would you rather have me say your a drunk?? Anyway he just goes on about how it is wrong for me to do that and I should not tell her things like that.

I had to hold myself back from laughing!!! I said and you think she doesn't know there is something wrong from your drunk behavior?????? It is all such a joke! I know she is going to ask why her Dad is not taking her to the movies...what would you say???

I have also spoken with several attorneys and need to save up some more cash. The cheapest one is $3500 up front. I have also followed their thoughts about documenting his behavior in the house , when he is drunk and taking pictures of him being passed out because there is no way I will let him have unsupervised visitation unless he stops drinking. I a catching on here and trying to keep myself moving forward after stepping backwards. I started school and am working to getting myself a good paying job.

Sorry so long....

Astro

From my own experience I'd suggest being honest and open. When our kids were 7&9 my ex and I sat down and explained to them that due to my alcoholism I'd be moving out and we'd be divorcing. Yes, there were tears but they'd known that things weren't as they should be. It taught me that children are intuitive, perceptive, and resilient. In time they learned that we'd be happier and healthier apart from each other.

My kids attend 2-3 AA meetings every week with me. I know that's not normal for most kids, but it sure is cool to share recovery with them. Ever thought about taking your daughter to an Al-A-Teen or open Al-Anon meeting?

Rella927

Dealing with the chaos and unpredictability of their home life, children can receive inconsistent messages. I know I did when I was a child-until my mother decided to be honest!

I'm grateful today for one thing that my mother did and that was always tell me the truth with regards to the addictions going on around me growing up! Children need to know that their parents are not "bad" people, they are sick people who have a disease/addiction.

JMHO I would sit down and tell the girls the truth about his addiction. In the long run they will thank you for it.

Good luck

lostnfound1961

When kids don't know what is going on or why mom or dad are acting the way they are..... sometimes they think they are at fault. If they arnt told this is not the way it should be then they might grow up thinking it's ok. In some ways, I was an old woman at 8. I think being honest with her and letting her know you love her with all your heart is the best thing.
D

respektingme

My kids are 10 & 7. I don't think they know because AH has mostly drank after they went to bed, and while he was alone in his recliner. So I'm not too prone to telling them at the moment. However, since I'm now in Alanon, I'm not too keen on continuing as things have been going the past several years. So I took them to a hotel one night when he got drunk (once in a 5 week intensive outpatient rehab). I told them dad had made some bad choices and that they didn't need to worry, the adults would work it out. I told them I'd take care of them and they can trust me.

I'm sure there are a million things that people would argue about with what I said. Like it wasn't his choice to drink, but the disease. Or that I shouldn't tell them they can trust me, leading them perhaps to conclude that they can't trust him.

At the time, that is what I came up with. It was a bad choice on his part. He had been in rehab for 2 weeks and thought he'd test out the theory that he was really only a social drinker. That ended miserably.

And they can trust me. I have no addictions and I make decisions based on what I think is best for them. I don't drink like a fish and get crosseyed drunk in front of them.

But if my AH can't continue his sobriety, I predict we'll split up. And I will make sure they go to Alateen and get individual counseling, as they will know the truth at that time.

I think what you told them is fine. Sorry if I'm feeling a bit resentful today. Jesus took death on a cross for mankind. My AH can't put down the bottle for his own family? There are enough people with years of sobriety, that I know it's not impossible. He'll either be sober or be single. I'm just tired of it.

One thing to keep in mind. I heard a senior lady in Alanon say something the other day in a meeting. Cracked me up because she has silver hair, glasses down on the tip of her nose and looks like someone very proper. She was giving advice to a young woman who is having a rough time right now, and who is absorbing the words her bf throws at her. The older lady pointed her finger at her and said, "That's HIS ****. Don't you absorb it."

I loved it. You don't have to listen to anything he says while he's drinking. He stopped CO-parenting with you long ago. You have to trust yourself right now, that you will be there for your kid. Screw him if he doesn't agree with something you said. You have a much larger disagreement with him, and that doesn't seem to change what he's doing.

Sav

I gotta tell you, kids aren't stupid, she probably already knows. The problem is she doesn't understand what's going on. A lot of a child's stress levels come from not understanding adult situations like this.
So she'll translate everything into terms of herself; "Daddy is being strange because I did something wrong. What did I do to make him act this way?"

With him coming in and out of your lives like this, your best bet is to explain to her in the simplest terms what's going on. The important thing in doing this is DON'T let your own anger show while doing this (although I'm sure she's aware of it). I'd suggest at her age don't be to specific in trying to explain WHY he drinks. It will most likely confuse her more.

Kids do have a need to understand what's going on, and as long as you satisfy this need, she'll cope better. I'm not saying lie. It's a complicated situation, so no matter what you say it won't be a lie, just... give her part of the truth.

Try something like Daddy drinks because he has a problem that's very hard to deal with. He's trying to deal with it, but it takes time." She'll probably ask what the problem is, and that's up to you. But like I said, keep it simple. Make sure she understands this isn't her fault, and there's nothing she can do about it, except continue to be her usual, lovable, adorable little self.
I'm a big supporter of honesty with kids, but you have to keep in mind that she is just 8. No matter how you do it, as long as you don't bring the issues of your anger and your marriage into the discussion, it should go as well as expected.

I'm sure your aware of this, but the damage to children's emotional state from parental conflict, especially due to addiction, is tremendous and life changing. For their sake, you really need to get him out of their. Because as much as his alcoholism is causing them pain, you are too. I guarantee they're picking up on the continual anger your radiating (justified!) and worse, the lack of trust. I can't imagine what a child thinks when she knows that "mommy doesn't trust daddy" enough to let her in the car with daddy, or a similar situation.

parentrecovers

can you work with a family counselor?