thinking of others too much/attending open AA meetings
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Los Angeles CA
Posts: 149
thinking of others too much/attending open AA meetings
It seems that if the alanon/co dependent thing, as i've experienced and seen on the boards, is the AHs thinking of themselves and not others, and "us" obsessing about them/their behavior instead of being responsible for ourselves/taking care of ourselves. i was thinking today about how it's recommended that alanons attend open aa meetings to understand the AHs better. i understand that this is helpful-- but i've never heard anyone recommend that AHs attend open alanon meetings so that they can understand us better. isn't understanding supposed to go both ways? anyone have any experience with that?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Probably would be a good idea,but it would take some recovery to change the alcoholic thinking enough to be able to shift that focus to others enough to do that...jmho.
Actually, we have several wonderful recovering A's right here in our midst that are doing that very thing. It warms my heart when I hear the things they say. I think it says a lot about their recovery work!
Actually, we have several wonderful recovering A's right here in our midst that are doing that very thing. It warms my heart when I hear the things they say. I think it says a lot about their recovery work!
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
I know of many AA's that attend Alanon also and are double winners, I am one such AA.
I was exactly 3 years sober when my AA sponsor STRONGLY SUGGESTED that I start attending Alanon. That was over 23 years ago.
The only 'codie' Alanon helped me to understand was me, rofl, but it has helped me tremendously in communicating with others be they alkie or not, setting boundaries, building my own self worth, etc.
I'm not sure it is recommended....................some here on the boards have said it worked for them to attend open AA meetings. I have never heard it as a recommendation in any Alanon meeting I have attended all these years........that is a 'personal choice.'
J M H O
Love and hugs,
I was exactly 3 years sober when my AA sponsor STRONGLY SUGGESTED that I start attending Alanon. That was over 23 years ago.
The only 'codie' Alanon helped me to understand was me, rofl, but it has helped me tremendously in communicating with others be they alkie or not, setting boundaries, building my own self worth, etc.
how it's recommended that alanons attend open aa meetings
J M H O
Love and hugs,
harleygirl92156
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: IOWA
Posts: 430
Our AA and Alanon meetings are held in the same building at the same time. There weeks a month we have seperate meetings in different rooms but one week a month we come together for our meetings.
It is enlightening for both groups. Everyone shares on the chosen topic and we have learned much about them and they about us. Sometimes they impress us and sometimes we impress them. Most seem to enjoy the meeting and we all gain a lot from them.
We are also invited in anytime a friend or loved one has a chip birthday. I can't imagine my husbands AA group ever turning one of us away even from a closed meeting if we had a real need to be there.
I guess we are fortunate because our groups cooperate with each other and enjoy sharing time together.
It is enlightening for both groups. Everyone shares on the chosen topic and we have learned much about them and they about us. Sometimes they impress us and sometimes we impress them. Most seem to enjoy the meeting and we all gain a lot from them.
We are also invited in anytime a friend or loved one has a chip birthday. I can't imagine my husbands AA group ever turning one of us away even from a closed meeting if we had a real need to be there.
I guess we are fortunate because our groups cooperate with each other and enjoy sharing time together.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
I'm not sure why an alcoholic who is not in program would be motivated to go to an Al-Anon meeting. He or she wouldn't think they need to.
I have heard it suggested in some of my meetings to attend open AA meetings. I have and found it extremely helpful; I rarely do it now. More than anything, it showed me that if someone wants to quit, they will, but not until they want to. It helped underscore the 3c's - did not cause; cannot control; cannot cure.
I have heard it suggested in some of my meetings to attend open AA meetings. I have and found it extremely helpful; I rarely do it now. More than anything, it showed me that if someone wants to quit, they will, but not until they want to. It helped underscore the 3c's - did not cause; cannot control; cannot cure.
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
I know lots of AA's who attend Alanon...especially when or if they have kids.
I used to attend lots of open AA and NA meetings...but didn't do it to learn about the disease. Sadly, I already more than I wished about that. What I gained was pure inspiration, because I saw people doing what they had to do to change. Their enthusiasm and sharing made me more motivated to do the same. I love AA.
One note...I sometimes attended with the qualifier but not if they needed to share- and although my son does not attend Alanon...he has learned about the principles and uses them in his own life. Our programs are very complementary.
I used to attend lots of open AA and NA meetings...but didn't do it to learn about the disease. Sadly, I already more than I wished about that. What I gained was pure inspiration, because I saw people doing what they had to do to change. Their enthusiasm and sharing made me more motivated to do the same. I love AA.
One note...I sometimes attended with the qualifier but not if they needed to share- and although my son does not attend Alanon...he has learned about the principles and uses them in his own life. Our programs are very complementary.
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
Pick-A-Name.......Actually, we have several wonderful recovering A's right here in our midst that are doing that very thing. It warms my heart when I hear the things they say. I think it says a lot about their recovery work!
It is enlightening for both groups. Everyone shares on the chosen topic and we have learned much about them and they about us. Sometimes they impress us and sometimes we impress them. Most seem to enjoy the meeting and we all gain a lot from them.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
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Originally Posted by lillian 
isn't understanding supposed to go both ways?
When I went to my first Al-Anon meeting I thought I'd be tarred and feathered if they found out I was an alcoholic, then I got choked up when they welcomed me with open arms. It's amazing to see both sides of the disease coming together to understand each other.
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Join Date: Nov 2006
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Originally Posted by cmc
I know lots of AA's who attend Alanon...especially when or if they have kids.
I used to attend lots of open AA and NA meetings...but didn't do it to learn about the disease. Sadly, I already more than I wished about that. What I gained was pure inspiration, because I saw people doing what they had to do to change. Their enthusiasm and sharing made me more motivated to do the same. I love AA.
One note...I sometimes attended with the qualifier but not if they needed to share- and although my son does not attend Alanon...he has learned about the principles and uses them in his own life. Our programs are very complementary.
I used to attend lots of open AA and NA meetings...but didn't do it to learn about the disease. Sadly, I already more than I wished about that. What I gained was pure inspiration, because I saw people doing what they had to do to change. Their enthusiasm and sharing made me more motivated to do the same. I love AA.
One note...I sometimes attended with the qualifier but not if they needed to share- and although my son does not attend Alanon...he has learned about the principles and uses them in his own life. Our programs are very complementary.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Midwest
Posts: 112
I think this is such an interesting topic! If you compare the posts on our forum with the ones on the A forum, there is such a striking difference! Theirs are almost all about themselves and ours are almost all about them! Technically, as codies, we ARE addicts, right? Several months ago, I got a puppy and had to give her the majority of my attention. I could no longer focus on my A. I actually felt withdrawal symptoms!
Anyway, I guess my point is, our A's are kind of living with addicts too. Plus, if they sponsor newcomers, etc., they also are probably affected by others' drinking. In that light, I think it makes sense for them to attend Al Anon. BUT, on the other hand, I think this "predicament" that we Al Anons share is very unique and probably impossible for anyone to understand if they havn't been through it. I feel safe at Al Anon meetings--like it is the only place we can be together without them and we all understand each other. I know my A has no understanding whatsoever what it's like to be in my shoes, and if he attended Al Anon, he still wouldn't have a clue. Sometimes I want him to go so he can understand the pain that As inflict, but that is just selfish thinking on my part. OK, I'm just rambling now, but thanks for reading!
Anyway, I guess my point is, our A's are kind of living with addicts too. Plus, if they sponsor newcomers, etc., they also are probably affected by others' drinking. In that light, I think it makes sense for them to attend Al Anon. BUT, on the other hand, I think this "predicament" that we Al Anons share is very unique and probably impossible for anyone to understand if they havn't been through it. I feel safe at Al Anon meetings--like it is the only place we can be together without them and we all understand each other. I know my A has no understanding whatsoever what it's like to be in my shoes, and if he attended Al Anon, he still wouldn't have a clue. Sometimes I want him to go so he can understand the pain that As inflict, but that is just selfish thinking on my part. OK, I'm just rambling now, but thanks for reading!
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
Originally Posted by QU31
I think this is such an interesting topic! If you compare the posts on our forum with the ones on the A forum, there is such a striking difference! Theirs are almost all about themselves and ours are almost all about them! Technically, as codies, we ARE addicts, right? Several months ago, I got a puppy and had to give her the majority of my attention. I could no longer focus on my A. I actually felt withdrawal symptoms!
Anyway, I guess my point is, our A's are kind of living with addicts too. Plus, if they sponsor newcomers, etc., they also are probably affected by others' drinking. In that light, I think it makes sense for them to attend Al Anon. BUT, on the other hand, I think this "predicament" that we Al Anons share is very unique and probably impossible for anyone to understand if they havn't been through it. I feel safe at Al Anon meetings--like it is the only place we can be together without them and we all understand each other. I know my A has no understanding whatsoever what it's like to be in my shoes, and if he attended Al Anon, he still wouldn't have a clue. Sometimes I want him to go so he can understand the pain that As inflict, but that is just selfish thinking on my part. OK, I'm just rambling now, but thanks for reading!
Anyway, I guess my point is, our A's are kind of living with addicts too. Plus, if they sponsor newcomers, etc., they also are probably affected by others' drinking. In that light, I think it makes sense for them to attend Al Anon. BUT, on the other hand, I think this "predicament" that we Al Anons share is very unique and probably impossible for anyone to understand if they havn't been through it. I feel safe at Al Anon meetings--like it is the only place we can be together without them and we all understand each other. I know my A has no understanding whatsoever what it's like to be in my shoes, and if he attended Al Anon, he still wouldn't have a clue. Sometimes I want him to go so he can understand the pain that As inflict, but that is just selfish thinking on my part. OK, I'm just rambling now, but thanks for reading!
IMHO I would have to disagree with this in its entirety....I believe that A's in the start for sure will not grasp onto what goes on with Al-Anon but I believe that after awhile they will be able to join in Al-Anon to deal with alot of their issues as well. A's are and can be codie's too (Sounds like an old TV commercial...or was that sesame street?) anyway.....My brother plans to attend Al-Anon and he is sober again 9 months (last time was 3 years) he is all for learning about how to handle his disease this time and learn about what drove him to it-
So I think our A's here in SR are a shining example of understanding codies cause believe it or not some of them have walked in our shoes when they were younger!
Again JMHO
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: Midwest
Posts: 112
I think if they have lived it, (and plenty of alcholics grew up with/are friends with/ have dated, etc., people whose drinking has affected them) then sure, they definitely have the ability to understand it, and by all means should attend Al Anon if they want to. However, if they haven't, I don't know that they will ever truly understand what it feels like to be on this side of the disease....just my opinion.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Englewood, CO
Posts: 11
As a recovering alcoholic I look forward to the opportunity to work the alanon side. Quite simply I grew up in a -- Don't trust, Don't talk, Don't feel -- environment, I just decided to drink (bad choice BTW).
Honesty, Open-mindedness, and willingness are essentials to recovery, but these are indispensible.
"There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguments and which cannot fail to keep an man in everlasting ignornance -- that principle is contempt prior to investigation." - Herbert Spencer
Honesty, Open-mindedness, and willingness are essentials to recovery, but these are indispensible.
"There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguments and which cannot fail to keep an man in everlasting ignornance -- that principle is contempt prior to investigation." - Herbert Spencer
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
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Originally Posted by Rella927
A's are and can be codie's too (Sounds like an old TV commercial...or was that sesame street?)
So I think our A's here in SR are a shining example of understanding codies cause believe it or not some of them have walked in our shoes when they were younger!
So I think our A's here in SR are a shining example of understanding codies cause believe it or not some of them have walked in our shoes when they were younger!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Allen TX
Posts: 34
((((((((((((liliam))))))))))))))) I have NO ONE in my family that as admitted to there diseases!!! But me I have been in al-anon for 3 years and I started attending AA open speaker meetings just in the last month or so!!!! It took me awhile to understand the AA side of things I just kept thinking its all there fault I am the way I am and my mom is died.... My mom died of this diseases!!! But a month ago I thought ok this is really about me so I will go in AA open speaker meeting and have a open mind and listen quit judging... So that is what I did and WOW what AWESOME speakers I have heard and healing I have experienced..
There is a lot of double winners in my meeting groups here too......
Anyways just a little insight on me!!!
123onelove456
There is a lot of double winners in my meeting groups here too......
Anyways just a little insight on me!!!
123onelove456
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Murrieta, Ca
Posts: 2,683
Originally Posted by Astro
And here I am thinkin' it's all about me again
My sponsor is al-anon. My best AA buddy should be. I learn a LOT from you (mostly) girls about the disease, how it affects others, and of course about ME.
Meetings or not, we compliment each other like a spoon hug. We also share a lot of common traits. Prolly why we end up in relationships with each other.
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
Astro it can't be about you, because it's all about ME!!!!
Another awesome post Glass.....(feeling very sentimental today for some reason)
I really admire the way that you speak and in the way you explain things so clear and simple. The things you say just make sense!
Meetings or not, we compliment each other like a spoon hug. We also share a lot of common traits. Prolly why we end up in relationships with each other.
It is what it is
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: NJ
Posts: 280
It has been recommended that I attend AA meeting in my Al-Alnon meetings. And I have recently. It does help me have compasion for the Alcoholic but not for my alcoholic. Other alcoholics don't hurt me and abuse me. Mine does or at least tries to. I can't have compasion for someone who hurts me. At least not yet I have never heard it mentioned in an AA meeting that anyone should or could attend Al-Anon to get a better prospective of what the sober family is going through. It might serve for it to be in the beginning of a meeting. I don't think the A is even thinking of anyone but themselves in those meetings. I will say one thing though. Every AA meeting I've attended I will be the only Al-Anon in the room. When it comes time to introduce myself and I say I'm an Al-Anon member everyone turns to look at me like I have two heads. I don't think they love me being there if I don't have a problem like them too. They don't tell me to leave but I get the impression I'm an outsider.
Jenny
I have never heard it mentioned in an AA meeting that anyone should or could attend Al-Anon to get a better prospective of what the sober family is going through. It might serve for it to be in the beginning of a meeting. I don't think the A is even thinking of anyone but themselves in those meetings. I will say one thing though. Every AA meeting I've attended I will be the only Al-Anon in the room. When it comes time to introduce myself and I say I'm an Al-Anon member everyone turns to look at me like I have two heads. I don't think they love me being there if I don't have a problem like them too. They don't tell me to leave but I get the impression I'm an outsider.Jenny
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