Jules62

So I woke up this morning with that horrible feeling of impending doom.I used to experience this when I was badly hungover-but it seems it's back regardless of whether I drink or not.This past week has been such a roller coaster emotionally and I've mostly managed to stay on top of my feelings but today I feel so defeated, scared and worried and I just hate that I don't even know why.

I have been angry a lot of the time-especially with my husband and in my more logical moments I know I'm being unreasonable-but it's almost impossible to stop.Anger is a huge trigger for me and I just don't know where to go with it when it happens.The last time I relapsed-3 and a half weeks ago was because of it and the fact that I couldn't see another way out.I used to drink to stop feeling-and it would numb me temporarily-but ultimately I'd still end up angry-just p*ssed drunk as well.Not a nice combination.

I'm realising that there are a lot of things I haven't wanted to face and I can't avoid them anymore but I'm scared ******** of what that might mean.I feel like I'm the one who holds my family together and it's just too hard.I have stopped doing everything except the basics-making dinner, keeping the house reasonably tidy etc-and I think it's because I resent it.I don't want to be the cornerstone anymore.I don't want to be the nurturer, wife, mother, housekeeper, bill payer.To be honest-I just want to be left alone and that is one hell of a place to be when you have a husband and son depending on you.And I'm so aware of the irony here because I was hardly any of those things when I was drunk every day-but I'm seeing now so much of my drinking WAS because I didn't want the responsibility anymore-and couldn't speak up for myself.So I'd try to drink the feelings away.

So-what do I do now?The desire to drink this past week has been pretty huge at times and I'm scared of going under.I don't feel strong at all and today I'd like nothing more than to drink again but I know better-in my head. I know it's the wrong thing to do but I can't see myself having any kind of happy life if this is how I'm going to be feeling for the most of it.(I know-it's my alkie voice-I do hear it-but right now it feels so real to me)

I think I don't want to be a grown up.I think I've avoided it for quite some time and there's a pile of resentment about the why of it that I don't know what to do with.The irony here is-my husband would do anything I asked him in order to help-but I won't because I want him to offer and that's crazy isn't it?

It is a strange paradox to me that I am surrounded by people in my life who really do love me-and I have never felt so alone.

Sorry-I am sure none of this makes real sense-I just had to let it out.I really feel overwhelmed today.

Thanks for listening.

Jules xox

Astro

(((Jules))) This too shall pass. Hate to say it, but that applies sometimes to the good days too.

My ex booted me out in early sobriety. On the days I had custody of our children I'd bring them to my apartment and plop them in front of the TV, then I'd lie in bed and stare at the ceiling. I couldn't motivate myself to do anything else in early sobriety, and I still feel a little shame at times for not being a better father. But what I've come to know is that I was doing the best I could, and my children admired me for anything that I could give them. I had to focus on myself and my sobriety in order to become the parent I am today, and I'm proud to be a sober father to two wonderful kids.

Are you attending AA meetings, and if so have your husband and son gone with you or attended Al-Anon meetings? In my case my recovery has become a family affair, my children attend 2-3 meetings a week with me. Although they're pretty young I have no doubt that they understand this disease pretty well, my hope is that I'm leading them by my example. They've made friends with the kids of my Fellows in recovery, our life is filled with laughter and love with our friends in the program. It's a pretty cool way to live life.

I never solved anything by taking another drink though. The life I have wouldn't be possible if I make the choice to use again.

Dee74

it's early sobreity Jules. It's really hard and tough and it sucks and it's unfair. Just...don't do anything now...

get your recovery on track then deal with whatever you need to.

D

gypsytears

Maybe Jules... maybe but I can't say you're crazy for sure . Why not try... ask for what you need. He'll feel good because you asked, you'll feel good because you'll be getting a need met. Nothing to lose.

Jules62

Thank you Astro, D and Gypsy....

I feel like I have so much to say yet right now I'm incapable of being very coherent because the feelings are so raw.

Just wanted you to know I appreciate your input and support and am considering everything said here.Thank you.

Much love,

Jules xox

Dee74

you got my number, Jules

D

gypsytears

You know Jules... I'm not sure I want to be a grown up either. I sure don't feel like one somedays. It's too late now though... I have 4 children that are growing up whether I like that or not so I sort of have to be the adult around here. Most days .

micepod

Jules

I identify with everything that you say. I also drank because i was angry, i just didn't know it. I did not want to feel anger. For the most part i did not when i drank. I just escaped.

Being the wife and the mother and housekeeper and billpayer etc, is a very tall order. I also share those responsiblities in my home. Sometimes it's too much to deal with and like you, i just want to be left alone. I would just leave everything hanging but i know it would not get done and THAT i resent.

Your feelings are very tender at this early stage of sobriety. You have been suppressing your emotions and feelings with alcohol for a long time. Please listen to your sober voice and try to hold on. One hour or minute at a time.

I used cookies last night to help me cope. Will that help you at all?

I'm here Jules.

Karen

Jules62

D-*hugs*

GT-yep.I don't have a choice about being a grown up either-but I am struggling with it-obviously.Thank you for your understanding.It means so much.

Karen-how funny is it that only yesterday I was suggesting the same things to you? I do like how this works with us here-one day we're helping-the next we acknowledge we need help too.Thank you so much for caring.I also run my own business from home-and it really can all feel like too much some days.

And yeah-I'll have a cookie.Thank you

Jules xox

micepod

(((Jules)))

Rowan

Jules,

I'm sorry you're struggling. I remember those days well.

Recovery is hard work! Giving up booze is just the beginning - what about going to talk to someone? Maybe someone who specializes in addictions? What you are feeling - all of it - is perfectly normal, and you articulated it well. Be good to yourself during this hard time, and recognize how far you have come. Remember when you didn't think you could go a day without a drink?

I agree with Gyps - ask B for what you need. I'm sure he sees your struggle and would love to be asked for his help. We all need to be needed.

Take care (((PJ)))

Row
xoxoxo

Jules62

Ro-thank you.I do remember when I didn't think I could go a day without drinking-funny how we forget so easily.I needed that.

I thought last night perhaps I should find a counsellor again.I feel like I need to offload all this to someone impartial.I could talk to my husband but he has such a vested interest in me being happy-which is lovely on the one hand-but pressure on another.If I'm not happy-he feels like he's not doing something right and then bam-I'm p*ssed off because it's like I'm not allowed my feelings-if they upset him and F*** it-it's all about me right now.Right?(LOL-PrincessP*ssypants here I come!)

It makes me isolate even more-then I'm left with all this crap in my head and heart and nowhere to go with it.

It helps to vent here-and I'm so grateful to anyone who has listened and responded.I need to find a better way I know.

Thank you.

Jules xox

Dee74

you're always telling me how smart you are LOL

you will Jules, you will

(((((PP)))))

Dl

Jules62

Dee-LOL

Thanks for making me laugh

Jules xox

IO Storm

Jules..

I am exactly where you are!

My psychiatrist told me yesterday I must communicate my feelings and facts

about our finances to another. Or I will take a nosedive and get sicker than

I already am..

I think we don't communicate because we fear the reaction of others..we

wait and put it off....hoping they will see and change their behavior..

guess what Jules ? (preaching to meself again)..ain't gonna happen as long

as we continue to caretake. of couse we will feel resntment..anyone would.

So, don't feel too bad girl..I have 14 months clean and sober and I

haven't figured it out yet.

Let's help each other, shall we?

Love you,

:

IO

Jules62

Sherry-I just love you.

Thank you.You just made me cry-but thank you.

It means so much when others here get it.I've felt so alone about this..thinking there was something so hugely wrong with me.that I just needed to get my sh*t together and stop whining....

Thank you so much,

Can't type much more for now

*hugs*

Jules xox

IO Storm

Jules..

I cried when I wrote it..didja notice my see my crappy spelling?

And when I read your reply..you see..Jules..we all have our problems

or we wouldn't be here.

Love you too..

(doesn't mean we can be hilarious from time to time..)

lol

Sher

Jules62

You're just a doll Sher.

Thank you

Julesxox

Emily2002

Jules,

So you had a blue day.... Those are the worst. Funny how you likened your feelings to being like hung over.

I spent a good part of my time this evening at a bookstore, in... where else...???? The self help section. I don't know if you've battled (or battle) depression, but I do and I tried to find the book "Eating, Drinking, Overthinking: The Toxic Triangle of Food, Alcohol, And Depression--and How Women Can Break Free"
by Susan Nolen-Hoeksema. Although the store's computer said it was in stock, I couldn't locate it....

You sound so much like me. Wow. Seems like many of us here, although quite diverse, share such common fears, hurts, joys, and dreams... The list goes on.

I hope you find some peace in the days to come.

Sweet dreams.

Anna

Hi Jules,

I remember feeling the way you do. I just keep pushing forward, resenting my family's demands and needs and trying to do everything. Your anger is telling you that you need to make some changes in your life. Is there some way that you can take some time for yourself to do something just for you?

You can get through this!