Son is sellling marijuana.........

Old 08-08-2007, 05:37 AM
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Unhappy Son is sellling marijuana.........

I have a 17 year old son that started using marijuana about a year ago. He and I have always had wonderful communication, and he's admitted to using pot, telling me he is a teenager and just having fun. Back in March, April, May, things became very heated between us........fights, silent treatments, etc....because I don't condone what he is doing. But since that time, he has followed the house rules, has not been confrontational and very pleasant when at home.

Well, now through his internet activity and myspace account, I have recently found out he is the delivery boy for a 19 yr old marijuana (& whatever else) seller. I checked his cell phone records last month and there were 54 different phone numbers listed on his bill. For a 17 year old, that's a lot.

I also purchased computer software for me to read his conversations - he is definately getting drugs for other kids. He does not know of this software and I have not confronted him about this because if he knows I found this through the internet, he will be more careful in the future and I will be in the dark again.

I thought if I could get rid of the seller he is friends with, that would help, so I sent the sheriff's department an anonymous note listing all the information about this person (19 yrs old) and what he is up to (I also included his license plate number). I know this puts my son at risk of being caught, but, he is breaking the law as well. I also sent them the address of where my son hangs out frequently - with drug use and underage drinking happening on a daily basis.

I know my son is just as guilty as this other guy, but, what do I do???? If I were to contact the sheriff's department about my son, and he knew it was me, I know my son would end any type of communication with me. That is a risk to big for me to take right now. I have talked to my son about going to a out patient treatment program, but he insists he does not have a problem and it's just an experimental stage. He will not go willingly.

Has anyone else been in this situation before? I love my son, want to help him, but don't want to sever my relationship with him in the process.
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Old 08-08-2007, 05:43 AM
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Hi, Welcome,
You will hear from many who have had same/similar situations. I also "notified" police. You're in the right place. Lots of us moms who stick together. I couldn't get up each day if it weren't for the wonderful folks here.

Read our posts and come back.
blessings,
susan
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Old 08-08-2007, 06:11 AM
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I don't have kids but here is my $0.02 and you can take it or leave it.

FWIW the first thing I would do is take away ALL of his privileges. Number one is the Cell Phone. Also TV, computer, Internet the whole works. All TV, computer, Video Games etc. have to come out of his room to a PUBLIC place. No going out with friends. Take away car keys. He is 17. He can ride the bus to school. His friends can come to your house and only when you are home. If he has a job, you take him to work. He gets a ride home with you.

Now, offer him the following deal:
He can have these things back as he earns them. Cell phone, car, internet etc. he can earn back LAST, IF EVER.

Earning things back can be through work. Yes. Laundry, house cleaning, making meals, taking care of the yard, cleaning his room and keeping it clean.

You are his parent not his friend.

He is not 18 yet, he lives under your roof and under your rules. working to earn everything is what we all have to do. He had privileges because he was trusted. He broke that trust. End of story.

I am so glad I never had kids. They would hate me....
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Old 08-08-2007, 06:15 AM
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Hi and Welcome,

The A in my life is my husband, but if it were my underage child, I would do everything in my power to circumvent the path of drug use even if it meant my child would be very angry with me. At a young age, a child needs a parent, not a friend, and while I do understand you fear him not talking to you, he is still verrrrry young and later in life, when more mature, is more likely to understand your actions. He might even thank you for them later!

While you still have legal control over your child, you could look into boarding school or "brat camp" which sometimes helps. It may seem extreme but I'm willing to bet it would have helped my AH even a little when he started using drugs in his teens. It's great that you had an open line of communication however it seems he is closing that line the more he gets into drugs. Selling drugs is no joke and shouldn't be handled lightly.

I wish you the best...
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Old 08-08-2007, 06:28 AM
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welcome to S.R. i also am the mom of an addict son. he started with alcohol when he was 17, by the age of 23 he was addictd to crack. he is now 36yrs. old.has been in prison more than out since 23, all due to drugs & is still active. i wish i had found recovery for my self when this first started. i would have saved myself a lot of pain & alot of money. there is nothing you can do to save your son. if this drug dealer is picked up there will be another one to take his place. i am sorry for your pain, but your son is going to use until he is really to quit.the 3 c's helped me alot.i did not CAUSE it, i can not CONTROL it & i can not CURE it. i knew nothing about drugs,never knew anyone whom had used them.i put him in rehab for alcohol at 17, i made bails,paid lawyers, more rehabs.i lost my home because of his using.today i know i can not save him,it is up to him.,i have learned to take care of myself & turn him over to my H.P. it is about letting go or getting dragged. i chose to let go. it does not mean i do not love my son, i love him as much as any one loves there son.when i found recovery i was at my wits end. this site & meetings save my sanity. i thought i was the only mom that was dealing with this. keep coming back & read all the post.readthe sticky"what addicts do" at the top of the forum. untill he is ready it is only going to get worse. keep coming back. prayers for u & your son.
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Old 08-08-2007, 07:27 AM
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Gerette, I also have a son who is an addict, and who sold. Many do, largely to support their own habit.

I understand your fear of alienating your son entirely, but when he was little, you would not turn your head when he went to play in the street; you took action and never thought twice about it, because you were trying to save his life.

As a minor, he has no say in a treatment "option." Period. I should not be giving advice, but ( ...the big but approaches...) if i were in your situation knowing what I now know, here are some of the things I would do.

Find a treatment program that your insurance covers or that you can afford.
Tell him that he is going into treatment. Tell him that you know that he has been selling drugs and that treatment is not an option. Jail is.
If you cannot confront him alone, and I certainly understand this, have someone else with you.

Don't expect him to respond rationally. He is not going to thank you. He is going to, at the very least, tell you that you are nuts and imagining things. He may walk out. He may or may not come back afte rhe does.
Have a bag packed and the treatment program notified, paperwork made out, etc. in case he does go along, quietly or otherwise.

Treatment is not a cure. Relapse rates are high. But it shows him the tools for sobriety, and if he wants to pick them up, now or later, he will know how.
Get to an al-anon or a nar-anon meeting, Go to a few until you find one you like.

Keep coming back here. There are moms in all stages of grappling with this disease, and there is a lot of wisdom - not all of it agreeing with any of my above suggestions, mind you -everyone is different, and ina different place -- but we all learn, and we don't have to be lonely when we do.

Everything is so clear to me in this 20-20 hindsight. But knowing it and being able to do it are different things. You have to be prepared to let him go, and that feels like wrenching a part of myself -- the heart part, I think -- out. It's a sorrow that only eases with our own recovery.

You did not cause it. You cannot cure it. You cannot control it. Even tho, as a Mom, I didn't believe any of that. Not in the beginning.

Prayers and many mom hugs to you ~ Nitelite
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Old 08-08-2007, 07:30 AM
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just wanted to welcome you. blessings, k
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Old 08-08-2007, 07:45 AM
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Hope you sending the info to the cops helps. If your lucky they will get your son too, an maybe that would be a wakeup call for him. Will say prayers for you that your son gets away from the drug life before it's to late. Wish there was some way we could show these kids that they are more or less standing at the gates of Hell looking in when they start messing with drugs.
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Old 08-08-2007, 08:15 AM
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I would not wait for the police to catch him. He is 17 and you can do something now. My daughter is my addict and she is 21. Too late for me to "force" her into rehab. I have done the calls to the police, etc. but they are so busy that sometimes they will overlook the small time dealers because they are focusing on much bigger problems. Get your son help. It may not take and he may not like it, but at least you hare giving him a chance to start thinking straight. Pot is a huge problem. It is a lot stronger than it used to be and can be laced with other drugs. Who cares if he likes you, you are his mom, not his friend. Hugs, Marle
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Old 08-08-2007, 08:57 AM
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hi just want to welcome you and to let you know that i'll keep you and your son in my prayers. the addict in my life is my husband, glad to meet you.
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Old 08-08-2007, 08:59 AM
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Welcome Gerette,
My son began his using in his teens also. I wish I had been more aware at a time that I had more say in his privledges.
I too feared that the relationship would suffer when I put my foot down.
Amazingly, it really didn't in the long run.
You might try approaching things with YOUR interests at heart, rather than making his decisions for him.
This means setting the rules of your home, period.
No selling or using drugs.
No using your "appliances" (computer, cell phone, car) to do so
Unfortunately his bad choices have forced you to remove these things from him. You are not taking things away, he lost the priviledge.
By doing things in this manner, you place the chance to make better decisions in his hands.
Should he choose to continue, knowing full well what is lost by doing so, well, it really isn't experimentation is it?
I had to step back and let my son prove to everyone including himself that he had a problem.
Me saying he did didn't matter one bit.
I hope he sees the light
(((Hugs)))
Cece
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Old 08-08-2007, 09:33 AM
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i agree with the others, my as is 20 and we cant force his treatment options, you can, get him help now, even if he hates you for it thats a better outcome than your likely to get if he continues using
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Old 08-08-2007, 09:51 AM
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I wouldn't be forcing a marijuana dealer into rehab if it were me, the chances of him wasting your money and laughing his way through are pretty high if you ask me.

If it were my son, personally instead of protecting him from the law I'd be making friends with whoever I could down there and finding out what I could do to get them to take notice of him now.

Pampering him through 1000's of dollars of rehab isn't going to force change if he's not ready, but the guy in cell block number #2 looking at him may do just that.
Sometimes the cops are a lot more willing to work with them when they think they still have a chance...

JMO....

Welcome to SR!~
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Old 08-08-2007, 10:14 AM
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Elana and Done-with-it give you some tough options. When I first got here, I would NOT have agreed with them... today, I do.

Addiction is progressive. My son started out as a runner. His addiction took him down to stealing from friends and family and then from local businesses to support "only" a pot habit.

In addition to the advice from above, I would urge you to get to some Alanon meetings as quickly as possible - and to attend at least 6 before deciding if they are right for you or not.

This is a difficult time in ANY mom's life - the point where our kids begin their first flight from the nest. Add in drug use and selling, and it became the worst time in my entire life (and that says something, believe me). Alanon saved my life, and then made it worth living again.

I wish you the best.
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Old 08-08-2007, 10:39 AM
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Welcome to SR!
Here is my 2 cents worth -
It would be better to make him mad at you now than to bury him. I know that sounds really harsh, but if you dont do something while he is still under 18, you may not can do anything later. As mother's we have to learn to let our children fall all the way to the bottom, otherwise they will not know how to pick themselfs up when we are no longer there to do it for them.
I too never wanted to alientate my son and had NO help from his father. I gave him his choice, rehab or the streets. Thankfully he choose rehab!
You are in my prayers
Another MOM in Texas
Lou Ann
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Old 08-08-2007, 12:55 PM
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Oh, lots of good advice has come before me, and I don't know if I have anything to add, but I'll tell you my story. My son started using when he was 14 after his dad and I got a divorce. I noticed his grades dropping, his attitude and friends changing. I tried to get him into counseling right away but met with delays. He was taking robitussin and dramamine, commonly called skittles and smoking pot. We tried a 30 day program, he came home and after a few months he was obviously actively using. He tried rehab 3 more times before he finished successfully. Along the way, he graduated to using alcohol because it was easier to obtain and hide. I have had him arrested, seen him in the orange jumpsuit twice and now he is back in rehab for a 5th stay. Every time he goes to rehab, he learns new ideas to help him and some day he will get it. I know that he will turn 18 next May and my ability to get him help will lessen so I keep trying. It's heartbreaking, sad, horrible. But I know that my son will always know that I loved him enough to believe that he could get well. Good luck with your son. REad all you can about addiction and codependency, Pray often, talk to good friends, and go to alanon. I wish I was there to give you a big hug.
krhea
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Old 08-08-2007, 02:24 PM
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Son is selling marijuana.......

Thank you all so much for making me feel welcome and sharing such great advice. I am going to read through it all a couple of more times and figure out what way I need to proceed. I see that I need to do something while he is still at an age where I will have some pull.

I plan on continuing to read through all the posts here. It's sad that kids sometimes have to learn life's lessons on their own when we could save them so much trouble if they'd just listen.
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Old 08-08-2007, 02:38 PM
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Don't accept unacceptable behavior. Does he still have one yr. of high school left?
If he just turned 17 then you have a yr. because you can't make them do anything once 18, except move out. Mom support from me to you as you figure out what to do. He will NEVER admit to the seriousness of his prob. You have to assess that yourself.
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Old 08-08-2007, 06:41 PM
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Originally Posted by Teazr17458 View Post
Welcome to SR!
Here is my 2 cents worth -
It would be better to make him mad at you now than to bury him. I know that sounds really harsh, but if you dont do something while he is still under 18, you may not can do anything later.
Wise words from Lou Ann and those above. I am the mother of an addict and I too was afraid of alienating my son and never seeing him again, so I didn't do what is so wisely suggested here.

I haven't heard from my son in 3 years, I have no idea where he is or if he is dead or alive. Last I heard from him he was in very bad shape. It was nothing I did or didn't do that caused him to stop calling me, it was because addiction had taken him to the depths of hell and he was too ashamed.

I don't mean to frighten you, truly I don't and my heart goes out to you along with my prayers. I tell you this straight up because I care enough to be honest with you and leave the sugar coating aside.

I'm glad you joined us and hope you'll walk with us on this journey, we all understand and we care.

Hugs
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Old 08-08-2007, 07:57 PM
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Hi Gerette64. I'm new here, too. From the perspective of a teenager who uses, which I once was...just being more strict and taking priveleges away did nothing but fuel my desire for drugs and alcohol.

I would never have admitted it then, but I wish my parents had taken a more proactive stance regarding my addiction. I'm not blaming them at all. Believe me, I know that I made my own choices.

My parents were extremely strict with me. They grounded me, lectured me, took away my car, watched me like a hawk, checked my eyes, purse, pockets each time I walked into the door...and still...I partied like crazy. When a person wants to do drugs, they will find a way around every obstacle.

Your son needs professional help, so that he can begin to at least admit that there just may be a problem here. Only when he sees that, can he begin to heal. I'll keep you both in my thoughts and prayers.
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