New here (take 2)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 8
New here (take 2)
I accidentally posted this in the family members of alcoholics, so I'm bringing it here.
I'm 27, and grew up with an addict mom. I don't know what she was in to when I was young, but I knew towards the end (before I moved out) it was crack and probably meth.
Her addiction always came first. We never had money, her moods were based on whether or not she could get high, and if she couldn't, watch out. She was extremely abusive and I don't know how she escaped CPS for all those years.
I could list on and on the things that she did, but really, I am trying to move past it. I have tried to live a good life and be a good person and wife and parent, but some days I just frustrate myself.
I have a lot of self-defeating behavior, and tend to procrastinate until there's no way to fix a problem. I never share my feelings, and tend to "Suck it up" when something bothers me. I can't speak my mind, and I always think that everything that goes wrong is my fault, like the fricking world revolves around me or something.
HOw can I start to move past this? My mom will never admit to what she's done, and when confronted says she's "Forgiven herself" for the years of abuse and lies and non-parenting. I don't even know how to forgive her, and she's already moved on, it seems. Oh well, I live in a different country and she never sees me or my son, and I intend to keep it that way.
I'm 27, and grew up with an addict mom. I don't know what she was in to when I was young, but I knew towards the end (before I moved out) it was crack and probably meth.
Her addiction always came first. We never had money, her moods were based on whether or not she could get high, and if she couldn't, watch out. She was extremely abusive and I don't know how she escaped CPS for all those years.
I could list on and on the things that she did, but really, I am trying to move past it. I have tried to live a good life and be a good person and wife and parent, but some days I just frustrate myself.
I have a lot of self-defeating behavior, and tend to procrastinate until there's no way to fix a problem. I never share my feelings, and tend to "Suck it up" when something bothers me. I can't speak my mind, and I always think that everything that goes wrong is my fault, like the fricking world revolves around me or something.
HOw can I start to move past this? My mom will never admit to what she's done, and when confronted says she's "Forgiven herself" for the years of abuse and lies and non-parenting. I don't even know how to forgive her, and she's already moved on, it seems. Oh well, I live in a different country and she never sees me or my son, and I intend to keep it that way.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
For me, the only way to move past a resentment is forgiveness. Forgiveness doesn't mean we condone their actions, nor does it mean we put ourselves in a position to be hurt again, it just means that we let go of the pain we attach to them and move on.
I find it helpful to put myself in their shoes for a moment. As an addict your mother was living in her own hell, was incapable of loving herself and therefore incapable of loving anyone else in a healthy way. I'm sure she loves you, but until she finds some way of stopping her drug use, she cannot appropriately express her emotions. And even if she has done this, she cannot change one moment of the past, nor can you. She can only change herself and the future, one day at a time.
I found that as I began to understand addiction, my anger was replaced by compassion, my fear was replaced by faith, and my resentments were replaced by forgiveness and once again I could live my life well, regardless of how my addict was doing.
Saying a prayer for those who have hurt me through addiction is one way of turning it all over to a power greater than myself, and letting go.
Take a read around, stick around and share with us, and maybe you too can find a better way to live your life in the present and let the past remain as history that has led you to a better path.
Hugs
I find it helpful to put myself in their shoes for a moment. As an addict your mother was living in her own hell, was incapable of loving herself and therefore incapable of loving anyone else in a healthy way. I'm sure she loves you, but until she finds some way of stopping her drug use, she cannot appropriately express her emotions. And even if she has done this, she cannot change one moment of the past, nor can you. She can only change herself and the future, one day at a time.
I found that as I began to understand addiction, my anger was replaced by compassion, my fear was replaced by faith, and my resentments were replaced by forgiveness and once again I could live my life well, regardless of how my addict was doing.
Saying a prayer for those who have hurt me through addiction is one way of turning it all over to a power greater than myself, and letting go.
Take a read around, stick around and share with us, and maybe you too can find a better way to live your life in the present and let the past remain as history that has led you to a better path.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
welcome to S.R. i am glad you are here. i am sorry your mom is an addict & you lived the life growing up as you did. you have got to forgive your mom in order to live a fulfilling life. addicts do what addicts do.read the stickys at the top of the forum. their is no cure for this diease.some quit using but some never change there ways. i am not saying you have to have a relationship with her, all i am saying is unless you forgive you will never be happy. there are alot of people here than went thru what you have & some even worse. read around the posts & keep coming back.we are here & we care. prayers, hope
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Welcome! I'm sorry the pain addiction has brought to your life. Coming here, going to face to face Alanon and Naranon meetings and reading about the effects addiction has on loved ones have all helped me on the road to healing. I can not change anyone else, but I can change me and my reactions. That is a huge step in healing and living a better life.
I hope you can find that peace too.
I hope you can find that peace too.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
welcome to SR!!
You are among friends here...
The addict in our life might be different (spouses, children, siblings, parents...) but we are more alike than different.
I'm sorry that you had to grow up in the insanity of addiction. No child should have to live that way. I'm just so sorry. What happened in the past does not have to define you. You are free to make your life anything you want it to be...and the journey getting there would be alot easier if you could find a way to stop carrying the baggage of your past. Not easy, I'm sure but you've come to a great place for understanding and support as you work your way towards forgiveness and healing.
Also..there is a forum on this site for Adult Children of Alcoholics. You might find alot of great insight and support there, too.
Welcoming hugs...
You are among friends here...
The addict in our life might be different (spouses, children, siblings, parents...) but we are more alike than different.
I'm sorry that you had to grow up in the insanity of addiction. No child should have to live that way. I'm just so sorry. What happened in the past does not have to define you. You are free to make your life anything you want it to be...and the journey getting there would be alot easier if you could find a way to stop carrying the baggage of your past. Not easy, I'm sure but you've come to a great place for understanding and support as you work your way towards forgiveness and healing.
Also..there is a forum on this site for Adult Children of Alcoholics. You might find alot of great insight and support there, too.
Welcoming hugs...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Texarkana, Texas
Posts: 585
Wow Evilbad, The monniker you have chosen for yourself kind of reflects your feelings about yourself, I'm thinking. I am sad for you that you have so much "stuff" in you to deal with. I highly suggest counseling. I hope you can work through this but it sounds like it will take a while.
((HUGS))
((HUGS))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 8
Well, my moniker was actually a play on words based on another website, strongbad. I have kind of a twisted sense of humor, but maybe it's a subconscious thing :lol
I have tried for a long time to just let go of the baggage, and look at the good in my life, like my amazing son, good husband, and my job (military) but I just feel so pulled down by all my past baggage.
How do you forgive somebody who hurt you so much? I can't have compassion for her, I honestly don't want to have compassion for my mom. I want to be angry at her, and hurt her just as badly as she hurt me. In fact, I sometimes wish she would just OD and make things easier for everybody.
But I don't want to feel that way, if that makes any sense. I'm pretty conflicted and it's frustrating. I don't really know where to go from here. I've got all sorts of codependent books, but I really don't find anything helpful in them. I'm not religious, don't believe in god, so I think that a lot of people who lean on prayer may be in a better place, but since I don't believe, I don't have that to lean on.
Does any of this make sense? I kind of feel like I'm rambling here :lol
I have tried for a long time to just let go of the baggage, and look at the good in my life, like my amazing son, good husband, and my job (military) but I just feel so pulled down by all my past baggage.
How do you forgive somebody who hurt you so much? I can't have compassion for her, I honestly don't want to have compassion for my mom. I want to be angry at her, and hurt her just as badly as she hurt me. In fact, I sometimes wish she would just OD and make things easier for everybody.
But I don't want to feel that way, if that makes any sense. I'm pretty conflicted and it's frustrating. I don't really know where to go from here. I've got all sorts of codependent books, but I really don't find anything helpful in them. I'm not religious, don't believe in god, so I think that a lot of people who lean on prayer may be in a better place, but since I don't believe, I don't have that to lean on.
Does any of this make sense? I kind of feel like I'm rambling here :lol
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Hi evilbad,
I know how you feel. My parents were also substance abusers and alcoholics, and I'm fortunate to have survived my childhood.
I had to go through a few phases to get to the place where I am now, which is "thoughtful detachment." It took a few years of tinkering with all of the thoughts and memories, spending time with people like these (SR), talking occasionally with a really good therapist who specialized in grief, and most of all, making sure that there was no trace of my parents' attitudes and behaviors in me or in my life. I found that one big trigger was when I recognized that something I was doing or thinking was like my folks would think or do ----and that would trigger a new wave of anger and resentment. Or being involved with someone who exhibited their behavior -- that would trigger me too. I realized that I was on a one-woman mission to eradicate all of that poison, bit by bit, from my life. The buck stopped with me.
Physical separation from my parents helped too. And honesty -- the willingness and even courage (!) to say to them, calmly and carefully "No, I'm not comfortable being around you because I'm still working through the pain of the abuse. Maybe someday I'll want to be with you. Please don't hold your breath, though."
The truth is, there are some things that many of us went through that were downright awful. We can't just wave a wand and make them go away; they're embedded in us in strange deep places, like tree roots. But an awareness of it all, and a willingness to talk it through with a good committed listener (or five or a hundred
) will take you on a path to recovery. You'll get a chance to express the anger, express the pain and helplessness, sweat it all out -- and then, like getting out of a sauna and showering off, you will finally start to feel refreshed and clean.
Takes time -- be patient with yourself. You're a good woman.
Hugs,
GiveLove
I know how you feel. My parents were also substance abusers and alcoholics, and I'm fortunate to have survived my childhood.
I had to go through a few phases to get to the place where I am now, which is "thoughtful detachment." It took a few years of tinkering with all of the thoughts and memories, spending time with people like these (SR), talking occasionally with a really good therapist who specialized in grief, and most of all, making sure that there was no trace of my parents' attitudes and behaviors in me or in my life. I found that one big trigger was when I recognized that something I was doing or thinking was like my folks would think or do ----and that would trigger a new wave of anger and resentment. Or being involved with someone who exhibited their behavior -- that would trigger me too. I realized that I was on a one-woman mission to eradicate all of that poison, bit by bit, from my life. The buck stopped with me.
Physical separation from my parents helped too. And honesty -- the willingness and even courage (!) to say to them, calmly and carefully "No, I'm not comfortable being around you because I'm still working through the pain of the abuse. Maybe someday I'll want to be with you. Please don't hold your breath, though."
The truth is, there are some things that many of us went through that were downright awful. We can't just wave a wand and make them go away; they're embedded in us in strange deep places, like tree roots. But an awareness of it all, and a willingness to talk it through with a good committed listener (or five or a hundred
) will take you on a path to recovery. You'll get a chance to express the anger, express the pain and helplessness, sweat it all out -- and then, like getting out of a sauna and showering off, you will finally start to feel refreshed and clean.Takes time -- be patient with yourself. You're a good woman.
Hugs,
GiveLove
Survivor
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 149
This description of forgiveness was something I found long ago and the more I read it the more it made sense to me......I read it over and over until I believed it and could apply it to my life.....I hope it helps you.....
That forgiveness is not the ACCEPTANCE of bad behavior from another person nor is it PERMISSION for that behavior to occur again. Forgiveness is a COURAGEOUS ACT in that you have enough LOVE for YOURSELF and others not to carry the burden of hatred in your heart as well as a courageous act of not allowing yourself to be "victimized". Forgiveness should help you BREAK the CYCLE of pain you're living with and should afford you the strength to leave your hostile environment with a clear heart and conscience. That is, in your mind you should know "Yes, I forgive you. My HP has taught me this. However, I won't be a victim; I won't allow you to keep hurting me because I have to love myself above all."
That forgiveness is not the ACCEPTANCE of bad behavior from another person nor is it PERMISSION for that behavior to occur again. Forgiveness is a COURAGEOUS ACT in that you have enough LOVE for YOURSELF and others not to carry the burden of hatred in your heart as well as a courageous act of not allowing yourself to be "victimized". Forgiveness should help you BREAK the CYCLE of pain you're living with and should afford you the strength to leave your hostile environment with a clear heart and conscience. That is, in your mind you should know "Yes, I forgive you. My HP has taught me this. However, I won't be a victim; I won't allow you to keep hurting me because I have to love myself above all."
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
welcome to sr, glad to meet you, hate the circumstances though. i think you are well on your way to recovery, you are reaching out for help. i agree with the others, keep reading, posting and hopefully finding you f2f support meetings. learn all you can about addiction.
i'm a recovering addict and i can tell you that addiction takes over the mind, body and soul. its a very hard habit to kick. maybe if you can somehow learn to seperate your mother from her addiction, maybe by understanding addiction, you may find it a little easier to forgive. like it was said earlier, prayer helps me a lot.
the addict in my life if my husband. i'm sorry that you had to go through all of that you described but unfortunately and in my opinion, thats just common with addicts to behave that way and it had nothing to do with you at all.
i'm glad to see that you are in a better place today and is willing to let it go and move forward. i'm praying for you and your family.
i'm a recovering addict and i can tell you that addiction takes over the mind, body and soul. its a very hard habit to kick. maybe if you can somehow learn to seperate your mother from her addiction, maybe by understanding addiction, you may find it a little easier to forgive. like it was said earlier, prayer helps me a lot.
the addict in my life if my husband. i'm sorry that you had to go through all of that you described but unfortunately and in my opinion, thats just common with addicts to behave that way and it had nothing to do with you at all.
i'm glad to see that you are in a better place today and is willing to let it go and move forward. i'm praying for you and your family.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 8
I would love to separate my mom from the addiction, unfortunately all I've ever known her as is an addict, I can't remember a time when she wasn't.
So I'm just going to focus on forgiveness right now. I think that's going to be the hardest, honestly. Just for today, I really liked your description and I'm going to try and commit that last line to memory.
I don't know if I'm ready for f2f meetings yet, I'm in a small military community so I'd most likely run into somebody I know/work with, and I'm not ready to face that yet.
I'll get there one day I suppose.
So I'm just going to focus on forgiveness right now. I think that's going to be the hardest, honestly. Just for today, I really liked your description and I'm going to try and commit that last line to memory.
I don't know if I'm ready for f2f meetings yet, I'm in a small military community so I'd most likely run into somebody I know/work with, and I'm not ready to face that yet.
I'll get there one day I suppose.
let it grow!
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 15,540
just so you know - my husband and i have seen several people we know from our community/workplaces/neighborhood at alanon meetings. no one judges. everyone is there for many of the same reasons...and it is confidential.
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