So...Scared
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: state of desperation
Posts: 43
So...Scared
So I have been pretty distant thinking about how I can leave him I told him about wanting a divorce and he was supposed to get help again and get counseling. Went to 1 mtg and then nothing. Today he accused me of being on downers cuz I'm moping around. He starting yelling about me talking to my friends too much and they must be feeding me lies. I must have someone else. I told him I'm just miserable and I want a divorce, I'm sick of being miserable and I'm sick of him treating me this way and accusing me of these things that aren't true. He says I'm not so great and I'm not taking his son away and He'll fight me and my son will stay with him. He says he won;t sign anything and he won't leave and I can't leave. He'll get the best lawyers and fight me and blah, blah. I'm really scared he will be mean and vindictive and what if this really fuels him to stay clean and then he will fight me. I just want to get free of this anger. I never said I would take his son away from him. I never said I would be ugly. His delusions allow him to think the worst. Please tell me there is no way a judge would give him custody. I have a job. I can take care of us even without child support if I have to, it won't be easy but I can do it. He has nothing he can hold against me. I cannot lose my son...he's the whole reason I need to do this.
Or However You Spell It....
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Safe
Posts: 4,264
First of all, calm down honey and take a deep breath. He's quacking. That's all he's doing. He's not getting his way and he's trying to scare you into submission. Believe me, I've been there. I was accused of cheating and even being an addict myself when I don't like taking even asprin for a headache if I can manage without it.
He feels he's been backed into a corner and he's saying whatever he can to get to you. They ALWAYS seem to use the kids!! I can't stand that!!
Honestly, I wouldn't worry about anyone taking your son from you. He'll more than likely get visitation if he's clean, but more than likely custody will go to the mother. I'm no judge, but given the circumstances................
Just try to remain calm if it's possible. He's just grasping right now.
He feels he's been backed into a corner and he's saying whatever he can to get to you. They ALWAYS seem to use the kids!! I can't stand that!!
Honestly, I wouldn't worry about anyone taking your son from you. He'll more than likely get visitation if he's clean, but more than likely custody will go to the mother. I'm no judge, but given the circumstances................
Just try to remain calm if it's possible. He's just grasping right now.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Edmonton AB
Posts: 285
Im with Loves on this one. Firstly, you haven't even left him yet.
Make a plan, stick with it.
He "Talks" about getting the best lawyers.. blablabla, but honey, there are vicious women lawyers that would back you up, and take your case hands down.
You have rights too. You deserve to be happy. Your children deserve a better life. You need to be the adult and not let him make choices for you. Don't let him intimidate you, or scare you.
Take a few day's to get your thoughts together. You told him you want a divorce, now go get a lawyer.
Make a plan, stick with it.
He "Talks" about getting the best lawyers.. blablabla, but honey, there are vicious women lawyers that would back you up, and take your case hands down.
You have rights too. You deserve to be happy. Your children deserve a better life. You need to be the adult and not let him make choices for you. Don't let him intimidate you, or scare you.
Take a few day's to get your thoughts together. You told him you want a divorce, now go get a lawyer.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Please don't let fear rule your decisions. See a lawyer, know your rights, document his using and abuse (whether verbal or physical) and then make your decision based on what you want, not what you feel you have to do.
His bullying is a sign of his own fear, and combined with drugs could make him dangerous. Make a plan, just for yourself, which will help give you strength just knowing you have choices. Then, if you decide to leave, do it quickly and quietly. Men with tempers like his can rage and this can be a dangerous time.
My heart goes out to you. I know all you want is a good marriage to a man who has something to contribute, but sadly addiction takes away their ability to contribute, even to themselves.
My prayers go out for you and your son. You both deserve better than this.
Hugs
His bullying is a sign of his own fear, and combined with drugs could make him dangerous. Make a plan, just for yourself, which will help give you strength just knowing you have choices. Then, if you decide to leave, do it quickly and quietly. Men with tempers like his can rage and this can be a dangerous time.
My heart goes out to you. I know all you want is a good marriage to a man who has something to contribute, but sadly addiction takes away their ability to contribute, even to themselves.
My prayers go out for you and your son. You both deserve better than this.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
(((((((Aly))))))
I know how scary it can be to finally go thru with it. Its like jumping off a cliff...it takes courage and I admire yours.
Yes, please do see an attorney. I think you'll feel alot better after talking to one and learning what your options and rights are. Let the attorney fight the legal battle...Your 'job' in the process will be just what you've been doing all along...taking care of you and your son and getting thru this thing one day at a time.
Imagine a life without the chaos that addiction brings. Imagine sleeping soundly thru the night without worrying about what your AH is doing...Imagine what its like to live your life in the sunshine...not under a cloud of addiction. All these things are just waiting for you...Keep your eye on the prize and hold onto your faith...because your HP will carry you...just as he's carried you this far.
Hugs and strength...
I know how scary it can be to finally go thru with it. Its like jumping off a cliff...it takes courage and I admire yours.
Yes, please do see an attorney. I think you'll feel alot better after talking to one and learning what your options and rights are. Let the attorney fight the legal battle...Your 'job' in the process will be just what you've been doing all along...taking care of you and your son and getting thru this thing one day at a time.
Imagine a life without the chaos that addiction brings. Imagine sleeping soundly thru the night without worrying about what your AH is doing...Imagine what its like to live your life in the sunshine...not under a cloud of addiction. All these things are just waiting for you...Keep your eye on the prize and hold onto your faith...because your HP will carry you...just as he's carried you this far.
Hugs and strength...
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
He is scared, he is backed in a corner and he knows he is loosing the best thing that has happened to him,,,you. Those backed into a corner can get vicious and mean...addicts backed into a corner have a double threat...loosing you and the threat of not being able to get high. Please speak with a lawyer; it will truly help with your fears and concerns. You can do whatever you decide you want to do and I am positive no one will take your son from you.
Lots and lots of hugs and prayers for strength and clarity. You will be okay, promise!!!
Lots and lots of hugs and prayers for strength and clarity. You will be okay, promise!!!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: pa
Posts: 260
I have also heard "I will take these kids from you". Well guess what he has been gone 5 months and has not seen them once! It would interfere with his "life".
These are threats and nothing more, he is using the things you love most in the world to hurt you. Don't buy it he is just blowing wind. My children and I have finally found peace,no more walking on eggshells. We are comfortable in our own home. Please keep coming back, the knowledge I have learned from these wonderful people here has helped me tremendously, My family and friends do not understand,these people here are priceless!!!!!!!!!!!!!
These are threats and nothing more, he is using the things you love most in the world to hurt you. Don't buy it he is just blowing wind. My children and I have finally found peace,no more walking on eggshells. We are comfortable in our own home. Please keep coming back, the knowledge I have learned from these wonderful people here has helped me tremendously, My family and friends do not understand,these people here are priceless!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Texarkana, Texas
Posts: 585
Yeah, I agree with everyone else....blah blah blah.
First off: you don't have to "ask" for a divorce. Just go get it started. This isn't the 19th century, if you want to divorce him, just do it.
Secondly: Chances are very good that your son will live with you and he will get visitation. If your husband is on drugs it will probably be supervised visitation (court ordered)
Thirdly: You ever hear the expression "The guilty dog barks first" ? That's what he is doing when he is accusing you of using pills and cheating on him. He's probably the one doing these things (or similar).
My advice to you: see a lawyer and know your rights. Don't let your H intimidate you. Think of your son and how long do you want him to live under those circumstances? Do what you know is right.
First off: you don't have to "ask" for a divorce. Just go get it started. This isn't the 19th century, if you want to divorce him, just do it.
Secondly: Chances are very good that your son will live with you and he will get visitation. If your husband is on drugs it will probably be supervised visitation (court ordered)
Thirdly: You ever hear the expression "The guilty dog barks first" ? That's what he is doing when he is accusing you of using pills and cheating on him. He's probably the one doing these things (or similar).
My advice to you: see a lawyer and know your rights. Don't let your H intimidate you. Think of your son and how long do you want him to live under those circumstances? Do what you know is right.
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
sorry that you are going through this, i agree with the others. sounds like manipulation at its finest to me. i think maybe his doc will not allow him much money to spend on a lawyer to fight for custody. sounds like he's trying to use your fears to control you and your feelings about what you think you need to do for you and your son. this way, he can have his cake and eat it too.
focus more on you and your needs and allow him to do whatever he think he can. actions speak louder than words. i think he's just quacking too. i'll keep you guys in my prayers
focus more on you and your needs and allow him to do whatever he think he can. actions speak louder than words. i think he's just quacking too. i'll keep you guys in my prayers
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Orange, Texas
Posts: 36
He is as scareed as you are. BUT take care of YOU!! His blah blah blah is just that......ramblings of a mad man scared........spouting stuff that he knows is not gonna happen or has no basis....
In most states he doesnt have to sign anything. You can get a divorce without his signature. So dont let him manipulate you like that. If you cant afford an attorney, apply with a legal aid in your area. They are some of the best attorneys around anyway. They love their jobs or they wouldnt be where they are because the pay is not that of a private attorney and the are "real" attorneys.
AND think about it, what judge in his right mind would let him have your kids?
Make a plan and stick to it............your HP is by your side.....your guardian angles are with you too!
In most states he doesnt have to sign anything. You can get a divorce without his signature. So dont let him manipulate you like that. If you cant afford an attorney, apply with a legal aid in your area. They are some of the best attorneys around anyway. They love their jobs or they wouldnt be where they are because the pay is not that of a private attorney and the are "real" attorneys.
AND think about it, what judge in his right mind would let him have your kids?
Make a plan and stick to it............your HP is by your side.....your guardian angles are with you too!
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
I agree with the others. He will never give you "permission". You will have to decide how to get yourself through this... what sort of strength you have and how you want the rest of your son's life to be.
What I know is that addiction is progressive. Whatever you have today is better than what you will have in a year or five years if you stay.
A local women's shelter can be a wealth of information - resources, counseling, legal aid and face to face support. I found talking with others who had ALREADY walked the path very, very supportive - it gave me strength.
I wish you the best. ((hugs))
What I know is that addiction is progressive. Whatever you have today is better than what you will have in a year or five years if you stay.
A local women's shelter can be a wealth of information - resources, counseling, legal aid and face to face support. I found talking with others who had ALREADY walked the path very, very supportive - it gave me strength.
I wish you the best. ((hugs))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: state of desperation
Posts: 43
Thank you ALL. I have seen an attorney and he told me most of these things. But I appreciate hearing from you all and I know that it is quacking and sure enough this morning he was all, "i love you" and "I'm sorry" and I'll get this together, I can't live without you, more blah, blah, blah. I know he does this and he gets me everytime. I really do want to leave I am planning out where I'll go how I'll afford it. I just don't know how I call a realtor and just say to him, "ok we're selling the house" and then have to continue to live with him. This is really hard and scarey. Thank you for helping me to see how he is manipulating me.
krhea75
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: macomb, il
Posts: 644
alysslav,
Just hugs for you today. All the others gave good advice. I know how hard it is to withstand being manipulated by someone you love or once loved. My son does it to me all the time. I find that in those times detaching is SO important. You are doing great to just get through the day. Take it as it comes, sweetie.
krhea
Just hugs for you today. All the others gave good advice. I know how hard it is to withstand being manipulated by someone you love or once loved. My son does it to me all the time. I find that in those times detaching is SO important. You are doing great to just get through the day. Take it as it comes, sweetie.
krhea
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: GO PENS
Posts: 1,151
alysslav,
Good advice above me. I say if he has an anger problem and not doing anything about it............RUN FAST. It is not good for you or your son to stay in this situation. You sound like you can make it on your own. He doesn't have a leg to stand on with his history.
Hugs..............Lo
Good advice above me. I say if he has an anger problem and not doing anything about it............RUN FAST. It is not good for you or your son to stay in this situation. You sound like you can make it on your own. He doesn't have a leg to stand on with his history.
Hugs..............Lo
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
Sorry you have to go through this.
One of the reasons "WE" get sick is because we listen to the addict while they spew all that negativity, threats and such. Refuse to listen to it, detatch from it and it's power to make you fearful will lessen.
Take care.
One of the reasons "WE" get sick is because we listen to the addict while they spew all that negativity, threats and such. Refuse to listen to it, detatch from it and it's power to make you fearful will lessen.
Take care.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
This is a difficult process, alyssia, but you are doing all the right things. Small, careful steps, always thinking about how he's likely to react -- and protecting you and your son every step of the way.
Make sure you have an escape plan all mapped out in case he gets truly ugly, which he may well do. As Greeteachday said above, he is backed into a corner and just like an angry and frightened animal he may do things that you would never DREAM he would do. If he strikes you or starts acting frightening and violent, please get a restraining order against him. Although it's the last thing I'd want to see happen, it would keep him away from you while you put the house on the market, for example. Sad but...you've got to do whatever it takes to keep him at bay. He's already turning into a monster, and he's not even convinced that you're really leaving yet.
Please be careful. This is too important to listen to "Oh, but honey, I didn't MEAN all of that....I love you....I can't live without you...." (we've all heard that, unfortunately, some of us many times)
Hugs,
GL
Make sure you have an escape plan all mapped out in case he gets truly ugly, which he may well do. As Greeteachday said above, he is backed into a corner and just like an angry and frightened animal he may do things that you would never DREAM he would do. If he strikes you or starts acting frightening and violent, please get a restraining order against him. Although it's the last thing I'd want to see happen, it would keep him away from you while you put the house on the market, for example. Sad but...you've got to do whatever it takes to keep him at bay. He's already turning into a monster, and he's not even convinced that you're really leaving yet.
Please be careful. This is too important to listen to "Oh, but honey, I didn't MEAN all of that....I love you....I can't live without you...." (we've all heard that, unfortunately, some of us many times)
Hugs,
GL
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