Addict getting support-but what about the support getting support?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 15
Addict getting support-but what about the support getting support?
My head is going to burst.
I finally talked my husband into going into a week detox program and he is shocked that they require him to be there for 2 days before he gets dosed with anything. Well DUH! He is threatening on leaving the place and I wont have it. He HAS To stay. It is our only hope. I got him time off work and everything and have been working the system to get him better as stress free as possible but now I am holding all the stress. I refuse to support his habit-he cannot loose his joba nd he needs to do this.
Am I being insensitive?
This is the way out for him-he just needs to bear down and do it. I cant give him any advice or support cause i dont know-i havent been there. Which is true-but i do know reality and the reality is that he needs to stay there. In order to treat an addict, they have to be withdrawing. I just needed to vent.
I'm scared. I'm scared that the worse case scenario will occur-he will want to leave, then he will loose his job, then he will take all my money for his addiction. I cannot and will not do that!
Does anyone have any advice for a wife whose husband wants to detox and be done with it-but doesn't want to take the in between steps to get there? Should I be the bitch and tell him tough-you have to complete this program or you are not coming home?
ANY advice or words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated!
I finally talked my husband into going into a week detox program and he is shocked that they require him to be there for 2 days before he gets dosed with anything. Well DUH! He is threatening on leaving the place and I wont have it. He HAS To stay. It is our only hope. I got him time off work and everything and have been working the system to get him better as stress free as possible but now I am holding all the stress. I refuse to support his habit-he cannot loose his joba nd he needs to do this.
Am I being insensitive?
This is the way out for him-he just needs to bear down and do it. I cant give him any advice or support cause i dont know-i havent been there. Which is true-but i do know reality and the reality is that he needs to stay there. In order to treat an addict, they have to be withdrawing. I just needed to vent.
I'm scared. I'm scared that the worse case scenario will occur-he will want to leave, then he will loose his job, then he will take all my money for his addiction. I cannot and will not do that!
Does anyone have any advice for a wife whose husband wants to detox and be done with it-but doesn't want to take the in between steps to get there? Should I be the bitch and tell him tough-you have to complete this program or you are not coming home?
ANY advice or words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated!
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: here and now
Posts: 1,291
Originally Posted by nowheretogo 
Should I be the bitch and tell him tough-you have to complete this program or you are not coming home?
!
!
Do you go to nar-anon or al-anon meetings? They will help you cope. So will reading "codependent no more" by Melody beattie. It is about being with an addict and how to deal. It's a classic.
Welcome to SR. You will find a lot of support here. Also protect your money as well as you can.
hugs, Lisa
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: NJ
Posts: 702
nowheretogo,
Welcome to SR. You came to the right place for support.
You can not make your husband get clean, he has to want it. If he stays that does not mean he will stay clean.
Please remember the 3 c's
1. You Did NOT Cause it
2. You Can NOT Control it
3. You Can NOT CURE IT
I will offer a word of advise for you, please open an account with just your name on it, and put as much money as possible in it NOW!!!!
This way you know you can pay the bills, keep it open even when he gets out of detox, and put as much as you can each pay into your account, leave as little as possible in your joint account. This is to protect you, so you can keep a place to live, and keep the electric etc on.
Others will be along soon to offer more advise.
Hugs and prayers coming to you
Welcome to SR. You came to the right place for support.
You can not make your husband get clean, he has to want it. If he stays that does not mean he will stay clean.
Please remember the 3 c's
1. You Did NOT Cause it
2. You Can NOT Control it
3. You Can NOT CURE IT
I will offer a word of advise for you, please open an account with just your name on it, and put as much money as possible in it NOW!!!!
This way you know you can pay the bills, keep it open even when he gets out of detox, and put as much as you can each pay into your account, leave as little as possible in your joint account. This is to protect you, so you can keep a place to live, and keep the electric etc on.
Others will be along soon to offer more advise.
Hugs and prayers coming to you
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
All I can say is, it is his problem, not yours to try and navigate. You are trying to control him, that cannot be done, the only person you can control is you.
It's right there for him, if he doesn't accept the program it is totally his decision.
He cannot take your money if you don't allow it.
My advice, Let go, and let him make his own decisions, right or wrong. If he makes the wrong one, then you can do what is best for you, if you have your bounderies firmly set in concrete.
It's right there for him, if he doesn't accept the program it is totally his decision.
He cannot take your money if you don't allow it.
My advice, Let go, and let him make his own decisions, right or wrong. If he makes the wrong one, then you can do what is best for you, if you have your bounderies firmly set in concrete.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 15
He just called me asking for me to pick him up
he hasnt even been there 8 hrs.
I want to just tell him No~
He will get so angry-he is already upset cause i said i cant pick him up till later cause i have to work. He made me leave work earlier to take him there and now i have to stay to make up time.
I dont know what to do.
I'm gonna try to tell him i wont pick him up and he has to stay.
I know what he will say-he will say that i dont understand what it is like and that i dont care about him...
I'm so lost
he hasnt even been there 8 hrs.
I want to just tell him No~
He will get so angry-he is already upset cause i said i cant pick him up till later cause i have to work. He made me leave work earlier to take him there and now i have to stay to make up time.
I dont know what to do.
I'm gonna try to tell him i wont pick him up and he has to stay.
I know what he will say-he will say that i dont understand what it is like and that i dont care about him...
I'm so lost
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
welcome to S.R. i am glad you are here.this is a great place to get support for yourself. first off, there is nothing you can do for your husband. i noticed you said you got him time off work, did he want it to start with? if he does not want the help he will not stay or if he does it will not do him any good at all. read the stickys at the top of the forum,"what addicts do". if he does not want the help i hate to tell you it will only get worse. my addict is my son. keep coming back.more will be by to welcome you. prayers for you both, hope
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
your choice but i would nt pick him up. he wants out let him get his on ride. in the mean time decided what you are going to do. hugs & prayers. i am so sorry he is doing this. we r here..., hope
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 15
Thats what i dont understand-he has a baby on the way and he cries that he wants to be sober sooo badly-he just doenst want to go through the detox part of it.
His father died 2 years ago from it so he wants this-thats why i dont understand what is holding him back-he is going to have to withdraw and experience pain to get through this-that is all there is to it-right?
His father died 2 years ago from it so he wants this-thats why i dont understand what is holding him back-he is going to have to withdraw and experience pain to get through this-that is all there is to it-right?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
i do not know what he is on. sometime it is rough but my son never had any help when he came off crack. you have a lot on your plate. threaten him, he can not come home.he is wanting to get high ,that is what is going on. sorry.
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
It's not up to you for him to get himself drug free, it's up to him.
That's why there's alanon. It helps us learn to focus on our own needs instead of draining our lifes energy on an addict who doesn't really want help.
Good luck to you.
That's why there's alanon. It helps us learn to focus on our own needs instead of draining our lifes energy on an addict who doesn't really want help.
Good luck to you.
Survivor
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 149
You wrote
I got him time off work and everything and have been working the system to get him better as stress free as possible
From what I am reading you are the one that wants this......he is not done and until he is there is not one thing you can do......I agree with the others you are trying to control something that you have no control over........ultimatums do no good unless you are willing to back them up.....actions not words are the key for both of you.......
Peace
I got him time off work and everything and have been working the system to get him better as stress free as possible
From what I am reading you are the one that wants this......he is not done and until he is there is not one thing you can do......I agree with the others you are trying to control something that you have no control over........ultimatums do no good unless you are willing to back them up.....actions not words are the key for both of you.......
Peace
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Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Not in the boonies, thank God
Posts: 1,410
((((((NoWhereToGo)))))))
I'm sorry for your pain. I'm the mother of a 25 yo as. (addict son)
In order to live a life of serenity, you must first admit you are powerless over the addict and that your life has become unmanageable.
That, my friend, is just the beginning.
Recovery from drug addiction is a long, hard, a$$ kicking road.
Recovery from codependency, even harder, because not only are we suffering and heartbroken because our loved one is addicted, we also suffer and endure the pain of trying to control and fix our loved one.
It can't be done. The sooner you can accept that...
the sooner you can start recovery for you.
The people here have been in the same or very close to, the same situation that you describe.
We can relate in one way or another. Some of us are further along in recovery than others. Some of us seem to take a step forward, only to fall three steps back.
The point is, though...we're all here to learn to let go of that pain and suffering.
Turn it over to a Higher Power. Start focusing on ourselves and let our HP (Higher Power) take care of our loved ones.
You sound like your stuck between a rock and a very hard place.
You love him and want to help him. If you go and get him, your not helping. Your hurting the situation.
Read the stickies at the top of the page. Read books about codepenency and enabling. Join an Alanon/Naranon face to face support group.
Tell your husband that you are finished "helping" him.
When I first came to sr., someone told me something that I will never forget.
She said, "sometimes we can "help" our addict....right into the grave."
I didn't want that for my son and I know you don't want that for you husband.
You've come to a great place. We're all here with support, advice, prayers, hugs, and yep, eventually, laughter. I hope you continue to share here and start taking care of you. You're not alone. We're here for ya. Keep comin' back.
Your new soberrecovery friend,
Linda
I'm sorry for your pain. I'm the mother of a 25 yo as. (addict son)In order to live a life of serenity, you must first admit you are powerless over the addict and that your life has become unmanageable.
That, my friend, is just the beginning.
Recovery from drug addiction is a long, hard, a$$ kicking road.
Recovery from codependency, even harder, because not only are we suffering and heartbroken because our loved one is addicted, we also suffer and endure the pain of trying to control and fix our loved one.
It can't be done. The sooner you can accept that...
the sooner you can start recovery for you.
The people here have been in the same or very close to, the same situation that you describe.
We can relate in one way or another. Some of us are further along in recovery than others. Some of us seem to take a step forward, only to fall three steps back.
The point is, though...we're all here to learn to let go of that pain and suffering.
Turn it over to a Higher Power. Start focusing on ourselves and let our HP (Higher Power) take care of our loved ones.
You sound like your stuck between a rock and a very hard place.
You love him and want to help him. If you go and get him, your not helping. Your hurting the situation.
Read the stickies at the top of the page. Read books about codepenency and enabling. Join an Alanon/Naranon face to face support group.
Tell your husband that you are finished "helping" him.
When I first came to sr., someone told me something that I will never forget.
She said, "sometimes we can "help" our addict....right into the grave."
I didn't want that for my son and I know you don't want that for you husband.
You've come to a great place. We're all here with support, advice, prayers, hugs, and yep, eventually, laughter. I hope you continue to share here and start taking care of you. You're not alone. We're here for ya. Keep comin' back.
Your new soberrecovery friend,
Linda
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Hi there, nothing more to add to all the great wisdom and experience that has been shared with you. I sure hope you stuck to your guns and did not pick him up, but if you did...well next time you will know better.
Just wanted to send a welcome and loads of hugs...We really do understand. Try some Naranon or Alanon meetings too for great face to face support.
Just wanted to send a welcome and loads of hugs...We really do understand. Try some Naranon or Alanon meetings too for great face to face support.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 15
I have never been addicted and I'm at the point where I dont know what to believe right now. He is out-got out on his own. Now he is saying he needs a ride to go to the hospital-that the detox said the hospital would help him better then they could. To me, that doesnt make sense. It could be fully true. I dont know. I cant pick him up either cause he put himself in the position of being stranded and my son is sleeping soundly in his bed. I AM NOT WAKING HIM UP . tears....i feel oh so lost right now.
Thank you for all the words of encouragement from everyone. Its hard being an addict, but i think it may be just as hard to be a lover of an addict
Thank you for all the words of encouragement from everyone. Its hard being an addict, but i think it may be just as hard to be a lover of an addict
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: here and now
Posts: 1,291
Well, if he got out of detox on his own he can probably get to the hospital on his own. This all kind of sounds like BS on his part though.
You don't need to shuttle him around-he can take charge of his sobriety on his own.
What is his drug of choice? Going through a withdrawal is probably unavoidable-they have medication for that to make it easier.
He just has to want to get sober bad enough to do what ever it takes.
You don't need to shuttle him around-he can take charge of his sobriety on his own.
What is his drug of choice? Going through a withdrawal is probably unavoidable-they have medication for that to make it easier.
He just has to want to get sober bad enough to do what ever it takes.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
the rehab did not tell him the hospital could help him better. that is something he wanted to tell you. i am sorry for your pain. read around. there are alot of people that have been right where you are. i am saying a prayer for you,your son & your husband. hugs,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 15
Unfortunate
He managed to get out and go visit a friend and we fought cause I refused to pick him up. I told him he relies on me too much to save his butt and I cant save his butt anymore. He uses Heroin-he doesnt even get high anymore-he just uses to not get sick. His tolerance is ridiculous.
I took all money from him so he is gonna check himself in the hospital today. He is waiiting till he is throwing up sick. He just wants to be completely drugged up throughout the process and detox wasnt gonna let that happen.
This place is wonderful. I ahve been searching for a forum like this for awhile. ::hugs::
I took all money from him so he is gonna check himself in the hospital today. He is waiiting till he is throwing up sick. He just wants to be completely drugged up throughout the process and detox wasnt gonna let that happen.
This place is wonderful. I ahve been searching for a forum like this for awhile. ::hugs::
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