Rediscovering

Today there was a headline in the news about a shooting in Newark, NJ. 3 young people dead - another horribly wounded. This is my exabf's old stomping ground. There are some really rough places in Newark - and i swear he knew them all. He is in rehab now. It'll be 30 days on Friday. When i heard the headline on the news my stomach didn't turn. I didn't feel like i would vomit. I felt sad - but not distraught. I didn't watch down the driveway for hours begging God to bring him home. I knew where he was - safe in bed with a big book on his nightstand.

I cried like a baby. I cried for all of the mothers, siblings, gfs, wives...everyone that heard that headline, or a headline similar in their area - and cried themselves to sleep with worry. I don't have to be that person anymore...and not because he is safe but because i can choose my own life and what i will allow myself to become attached to and feel responsible for. I went to my first al-anon meeting yesterday. i guess that's a start.

I know this is jumping all over the place but i'm new to recovery so that's where my mind is right now. I am grateful. Grateful for today. Grateful for no longer feeling responsible. And yes, grateful that at least for tonight - he is safe and I am beginning my own recovery.

Tonight i pray for everyone who is has not begun recovery - who are where i was just a short while ago- sick and diseased with worry and grief. I hope i never forget how sick that really is.

Spiritual Seeker

You say you are "New TO Recovery" but it is obvious that you get it! Your spiritual journey is awesome. We can't change others or the world but we can change our thougts, our perceptions & ourselves. Learning to move away from fear, doubt and worry is a blessing.

Hangin' In

Matosam2,

Welcome to SR. So glad you've found this place. Stick around and keep posting and reading.

And GOOD FOR YOU regarding attending that Al Anon meeting yesterday. Just keep going back and back and back and back. There is great comfort in those meetings, or at least there are in mine. They, along with this board, have helped me get my life back on track. In face, my life is recovery is way better than my pre-recovery life! And for that, I am so thankful also.

Glad you're around. Prayers for both your bf and you,

Hugs,
Hangin' In

Ann

You bet that's a start, it's the start that saved my life.

I too remember freezing in fear when I heard stories on the radio or TV and saying the "please let him come home safe" prayer over and over.

You sound like you have a solid beginning to your recovery, and I am glad you have joined us and are sharing it all.

Hugs

hope213

welcome to S.R., i am glad you found us. i too heard that on the news. it is a sad thing, it is a sad thing the world is like it is today. i am happy u r in recovery.it has saved my life. my addict is my son. i also am happy your husband is in recovery & i hope he finds his miracle. keep coming back,keep posting.

Rediscovering

I think i was lying to myself. I'm not okay. In fact, i'm a mess. and maybe that's the best i've been in a long time...realizing that i'm a train wreck before i hit the wall. I'm tired of being the victim--i do it so well. Suffering only shows i care--what utter bullsh*t that is!!! I always look for the best in people but enough is enough. I am sick, self-loathing, miserable, lonely, scared, direction-less, confused, angry...the list goes on. But at least i'm honest about it now... Perhaps that's where i should have started before ...

greeteachday

You're so right...recognizing it and feeling it is a great start and puts you well on the recovery road. Welcome! We're all here to walk beside you. Thanks for so honestly sharing your thoughts and feelings. We have all been there or still are there, but we all want something better. Working a program and going to meetings has brought me to a much better place and the more I work it the better I feel.


If i could think of one thing to remind yourself of...every day, as many times a day as you need to, it is what you said here. For me, recognizing, finally, that I was trying to control things that were not mine to control, and realizing that I could choose to feel better...could choose to refuse the victim role...were two huge steps in my recovery journey. I do believe it all comes down to choice...and the great part is, my choices ARE something I can control. Hugs.

krhea75

Yeah, Ann, I like what she said about choice, too. I also understand the rollercoaster of emotions that you are going through. One minute being strong together and the next falling apart. Hey that's life magnified by an addictive relationship, isn't it? Being honest with others and ourselves is so healing. That's what's so great about this site. We can be honest and not hide our shame, fear, grief. Don't be afraid of the contradictions in you. They are allpart of you, matosam. I do like that choice thing. I think I will print that on my forehead.lol
krhea

CatsPajamas

Hi, and welcome !

You'll find a lot of good and wise people here, from all walks of life, with a common bond. We all love someone whose choices in life have left us confused, frustrated, lonely and frightened. SR and face to face meetings can give you much needed support. We are here and we understand. It continually amazes me that whatever someone's story or secret is? Someone here has had a similar situation. By sharing our experience, strength and hope, we help one another.

You're among friends, and we're glad you're here!

Hugs
Cats

parentrecovers

nice to meet you, matosam. blessings, k

GiveLove

Ain't it, though? But we're taught it from a very young age -- by parents, peers, movies, books, songs, everything. If I'm miserable it means it's Real Love. All those songs about crying yourself to sleep over a man/woman who doesn't want you anymore.....all those movies about how romantic it is when someone pursues you romantically even though it's been made clear they're not wanted.....the whole 'stand by your man' thing (even if he drinks and drugs and beats you)...... This is our training, and we wonder why we are hopelessly confused by our feelings.

Sad events like these are worthy of your tears. We are human, after all, even if we're in a stage of growing and learning.

You are on the right track, matosam......the first steps have to do with recognizing all of this cr@p and learning everything you can about the country known as You.

Hugs to you; you're doing great even though it doesn't feel like it.

Rediscovering

Well...now i'm thankful for all of the responses! So i guess the post is thankful once again...welcome back to the rollercoaster...and begin! lol

I changed my phone number today so that axbf couldn't contact me from rehab and i was furious. I stepped out of work and sat in my car where i keep a pencil and a pad of paper (my best friends that don't judge me). I intended to write all of the reasons i was pissed off at xabf. I became frustrated and finally wrote "Reasons I am Pissed at *anonymous*" Then i doodled a little becoming increasingly frustrated. Finally i wrote "reason #1 - I am pissed off because i have no real reason to be pissed off". then i laughed at myself

I had spoken with him the night before - he had listened to me and i was angry. I gave him an earful and he listened. He became defensive at one point but quickly stated " i am becoming defensive because I am afraid. I love you and i am afraid that you will reject me. I will listen now" then he shut up and listened. He was in rehab and they ushered him off the phone. He said "she's speaking and i need to listen" they said something to him - he made a loud angry (noise??) i don't know how to describe it - then the phone went dead. I was furious.

Truth is I was pissed off because he was himself again. He was kind and loving and compassionate on the phone. I haven't seen him....HIM sober for any expanse of time in 2 years. I wasn't ready to hang up the phone....wasn't ready to let him go. I was pissed that he was in rehab and i couldn't have him all to myself like i wanted.
I was pissed off because i am selfish. I haven't had him in 2 years and damn it i wanted him last night to hear. I wanted him to know i was devastated that my grandmother passed away last month and he was too high to attend the funeral, wanted him to know that my heart broke when he didn't show up for my birthday, i wanted him to know that i miss him when i watch a movie and the couch is cold beside me....

All the reasons i was pissed off...
1. I was pissed off because i had no real reason to be pissed off.
2. I was pissed off that he wasn't there to hear me because he was exactly where i had asked him to go.

I was pissed off because i was selfish...

The same thing he always was that broke my heart. I chose to be the victim...but it didn't give me the right to victimize.

I assume i should be showing up at rehab for his visit tomorrow. I should congratulate him on his 30 days which was today. And I should apologize. And what a relief!!! For the apology to be due him instead of to me.

Does that make sense? I wonder if i only make sense to myself...

I don't know anymore. but thank you for hearing me. I just really felt like i needed to be heard tonight

ladyamalthea

I know exactly what you mean...

I spent so much time being furious with my sister that when she finally came out of rehab and was ready to hit the ground running on her recovery, I was almost left with the wind taken out of my sails. I wanted to much to hear her say she was sorry for hurting me so much... but you know what made me feel better? I actually took comfort in knowing that if she ever fully recovers, part of that process is that she has to make amends with those whom she has wronged. Not that I'm suggesting you should just forget about all the horrible things he put you through... but in rehab, they generally do make a point to give the addicts some coaching about the fact that they have really hurt those who love them. But they also try to teach them to make sure and follow the 12 steps in order... so it just may be a while before he is ready to get to that point.

As far as the visit tomorrow goes, do you want to go? If you do, I would definitely go for it! If not, then maybe you could send him a card or something?

Either way, if he is truly recovering, which it really sounds promising that he is, congrats on his 30 days! I know that is a huge relief for you as well Just remember that, on one hand, they need all the support they can get at this stage, but at the same time, your own recovery has to be paramount. It is a gentle balance, but if you're working on you and he's working on him, then it sounds like things are going really well, and I'm so happy for you.

*hugs and prayers*

Rediscovering

He's been through rehab a few times. This time he asked for a list of the things he has done and how they made me feel so that he can keep it and never forget how his addiction has affected me - not for guilt purposes but for relapse prevention.

He also told me that unless I show up with a meeting list and a copy of Codependent No more (i think that's the name) - that he'd rather i not come. I ordered the book on ebay and it hasn't arrived...and i have my meeting list and pamphlets from the meeting i did go to.

Perhaps he finally does understand that I am sick too?

I never would have gone to Al-Anon or been on this website if every letter i received from rehab----and every call prior to his entering rehab----wasn't begging me to go get help. At the time i thought he was blaming me...now i finally understand. Even in the depths of his sickness, he was trying to show me my own way out.

This site has saved my life---one night at a time.

ladyamalthea

It sounds like he definitely understands that you have been hurt here. It must feel great to even know that much... and I think it is awesome that he wants you to pick up a copy of Codependent No More. From what I hear, it's a great book. Just print out a copy of the page showing you bought it, and I'm sure he'll be happy

I am so excited that he is so motivated to turn things around. I'm praying for you both.

*hugs*

frankly

((matosam))

You are not selfish. Thinking about yourself and trying to deal with this, is not a selfish act. It is a nessesary one. It is the act of someone who is trying to process a whole lot of hurt and a whole lot of love.

In the last two years, I'll bet you have pushed down and stuffed so many feelings, so many hurts, so many fears, I would even bet, you were ready to explode. Because eventually all that stuffing, has to come out.

You've taken that important first step to your own recovery, the more you heal, the more all those stuffed emotions will flow. Because believe it or not, you are getting stronger and your mind and heart knows, that you are ready to process all those things you had pushed away and hidden to deal with later. Later has come. It's time. It's a process. Don't beat yourself up over it, you've got a whole lot of stuffing to work through. You didn't accumulate it all in one night, working through it will take some time.

In reality, your post made me smile, it made me happy. I remember myself at the stage that you are at, and even though your circumstances aren't what made me smile, in a way they are. I see someone who has started down a road of recovery, someone who is going to make changes in their lives that will be life changing. Someone who is going to pull themselves out from under the heavy load that has weighed on them for so long. I see the beginnings of a miricle, right there in your post. I recognize it because of exactly what you are experiencing and voicing now. No more stuffing, true raw honest emotions flowing.

It's a good thing.

B

Ann

Matosam, your posts here deeply touch my heart. Although my addict is my son, I remember the emotional roller coaster and also the great relief when I first found my meetings and recovery.

The feelings you express accurately reflect the feelings most of us have been through, regardless of our relationship, and it touches my heart to hear you process them with such grace.

Hugs

Rediscovering

well..i went to visit him in rehab...but he'd opted to go on a voluntary rehab "trip". Intruiging. I don't get to go on "trips"- i'm still trying to recover from all of the money he stole from me. And a trip rather than visit with me...interesting. Progress or no progress, sober or not...what a selfish sob. soooo...my phone number is changed, i have written him and asked him not to write me anymore...sulked my saturday away...and will start anew tomorrow. Sure hope he enjoyed his "trip"

ladyamalthea

Ma,

Yes, he is selfish. They all are. Having said that, he might not have been thinking about the fact that the trip would keep him from being there for visiting... i know to a sober person, that sounds silly, but my sister forgets things so quickly it's not even funny; Just a week ago, in fact, she accidentally made plans with three people for the exact same time and didn't realize it until she was at one place and the other two were calling looking for her... I just have such a hard time believing he would do that on purpose. Either that, or maybe they were late coming back? He thought they would be back in time and got stuck in traffic or something?

Besides, it sounds like he at least had given them permission to let you in if he was there... since they were able to tell you he took a trip. The way most of those places work is that if the patient does not add you to their visitors list, they will seldom even tell you whether or not that person is there, let alone why they cannot visit with you. At least that's been my experience, anyway...

I don't blame you for changing your phone number and separating yourself from him. That may be the best thing for your recovery anyhow... but my sister said something to me the very first time I had lunch with her after rehab. We were sitting there, and I told her how much I have missed her for the past two years, how I was so happy that the real her was coming back. All she could say was, "Courtney, don't take my behavior so personally." I immediately reassured her that I was not making that comment to begin discussing anything heavy, but at the same time her words hit me like a ton of bricks. I should never take anything she does personally... because she is only thinking about herself and either her addiction or her recovery, depending on which she is actively participating in.

Either way, I know how upsetting that was... and I'm sure he'll feel bad about it when he reads your letter. For the mean time, just keep taking care of you, and all else will fall into place.

*hugs and prayers*

Rediscovering

Thank you so very much for your response. I'm not sure how to describe how it feels to FINALLY feel heard and validated after all of this mess...though i'm sure i don't have to explain that to anyone on here!

I do know that he knew his visits were scheduled for today and he left at 12:15 when visits begin at 12:45 - however, we had a very rough conversation on Thursday (phone). His family had contacted me and lied - very complicated, sick, and dramatic. I entered the conversation angry with him due to their lies. The situation has since come to light - hence my "pissed off about not having a reason to be pissed off". I had the feeling that i couldn't shake despite there not being anything new that HE had done....rather it was his family's manipulation and I was having difficulty separating the two due to the past.

I spoke with a friend who has struggled with addiction himself. He asked if perhaps exabf expected me not to visit after the conversation on Thursday and had left on the trip rather then sit in his room and be depressed during visiting hour. He pointed out that they are teaching him coping mechanisms and perhaps he was trying to teach himself how to be active and get out rather than sitting around depressed when he is faced with a problem he cannot control (such as my anticipated " no show").

Currently, he does not have my phone number - he can write me - he will be moving to a half way house on Tuesday - and i have a "going separate ways letter" in the mail that i anticipate him receiving monday or tuesday.

I am very confused. I am in my first week of recovery and i know my head is a mess. Those are the details---i would greatly appreciate the comments/suggestions from anyone with more experience, wisdom, and recovery than me--Thanks