mka1982

I had been doing a pretty job feeling good about myself and the break-up between my exabf and me. I have been reading the book "Codependent no more," and I think that it has a lot of things in it that are helping me through this struggle. I also have been seeing my therapist on a weekly basis. Things seem to have been going well. I started feeling good about myself and really believing that I deserved better.

I woke up this morning with that empty feeling inside. The feeling that something is missing, and I knew exactly what the missing thing was. I hadn't felt that in over a week, and I was happy about that. I don't know what set me off, it wasn't a dream because I didn't dream about him. On my way to the office I began to cry. I haven't cried in awhile and it felt good at first, that was until I couldn't stop crying. The tears kept flowing, I couldn't do anything to make them stop. When I finally got to work I had to put on the act that I was ok, you know the "life is good" act when deep down life isn't good. I feel like screaming! I am sick with anger as well as sadness.

I decided the best thing to do was take the day off. I tried to call some friends to talk to them about what I was feeling and get some feed back from them, of course being a Monday, no one was around to talk. I am sick of feeling this way. I shouldn't have to feel this way when I did not do anything wrong. I loved someone, they used me and lied to me. The hate I have right now for the lies are intense.

I think that this weekend is actually what set me off. I was working at the bar (I have three jobs and a bar is one of them) and this man about my age was there with a group of people, including his wife. The married man kept coming up to me and putting his arm around me and telling me that I was beautiful and many other "compliments" that I am too embarassed to write. I told him that he was married and that I was not interested. That didn't stop him. He told me that it was ok, his wife understood. She must have understood because she was hitting on other guys in the room and did not seem to care that her husband was trying to kiss me as well as hanging all over me. I turned him down several times and did my best to stay completely away from him. He left his number for me, like I would call him. His behavior made me sick. It made me think of my exabf. I just don't understand people I guess. To me when you are in a relationship, you are in a relationship. That means you do not try to mess around with other people. You love the person you are with. I am not saying that you cannot look at other people and think that they are attractive, I am saying that you just don't act on it. I was mad when I left the bar. I hated that married man, which made me think of my ex and started up the feelings of hate for him.

I feel like I am filled with nothing but hate right now. I feel alone and I hate that. I feel sad and I hate that. I feel confused and I hate that. I want all of these feelings to go away. All I want is to be happy, that isn't too much to ask for.

booklover

Wow, I can relate. I have these days that I can string together into almost a week where I am strong and this makes me proud and happy. And then, I lose it over something and tailspin out of control back to codie habits. You seem to be holding together pretty well considering and making very rational decisions, like realizing that it was time to take a day off. The main thing I suppose is to look at it as part of the process and keep on keeping on. Fake it til you make it always helps me get back to my better place.

Being cheated on and lied to is really painful and you have every right to cry sometimes. It is part of your grieving process. I am right where you are.

Take care of you.

guineapigjude

Make room for me, too. Sometimes I feel so happy and together... then I have days like yesterday when I actually find myself thinking it wasn't so bad with XAH and how I'd be happier with him .... luckily the mood passes, and I'm able to come to SR, get to a meeting, do some reading, or focus on my kids and I'm able to pull it together.
Grieving it is. Hang in there ~ we're here for you.

hope213

i promise you get to feeling better as u get stronger in your recovery. you are not alone, we r here for you. big hugs,

greeteachday

HUgs...I hope tomorrow is better. The ups and downs are part of the process and it truly does get better...promise. And I sure hope you don't have to put up with that kind of sexual harassment at your job ever again!!!

Ladybugg

What you are feeling is normal. I have my days too where I miss my marrige terrible. It does get better, it just takes time. I know it doesn't feel like it now but I promise, it does. I don't have days where I don't feel like I can go to work anymore. I don't stay in bed and hide from the world. I don't get drunk and try to forget my problems. I do think about my marrige and I wonder how my exah is doing but it doesn't stop me from going on with my day. Believe me if I can do this, anyone can. I was a complete mess. Hang in there!!!