back to chaos
let it grow!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 15,540
back to chaos
she's telling a lot of lies.
she took another hostess job in a restaurant that serves booze, which was a trigger last time.
she stole money.
she's changing/postponing doc appts.
she's blowing off a counselor appt with her dad and i to go to an old user friend's mom's funeral.
my husband is not ready to ask her to leave.
blah.
she took another hostess job in a restaurant that serves booze, which was a trigger last time.
she stole money.
she's changing/postponing doc appts.
she's blowing off a counselor appt with her dad and i to go to an old user friend's mom's funeral.
my husband is not ready to ask her to leave.
blah.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: GO PENS
Posts: 1,151
Parent, Sorry to hear you are once again living in the chaos. Sounds like you husband is willing to see where this goes before asking her to leave. Does she have a place to go? Is she the only one living at home? Please take care of yourself. I hate being on this roller coaster. It makes me feel like I am bi-polar with the up and down moods.
Prayers for you and your daughter.............Lo
Prayers for you and your daughter.............Lo
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Blah is certainly an understatement. I'm really sorry that you are going through this. It is difficult enough, but when you have reached your limit and your spouse hasn't...well that adds to the stress I think. I can understand where he is coming from, it is hard to do, but still it can be sacrificing everyone elses sanity and health to shield her from her problems. It stinks...
Hope you can protect yourself as much as possible from the chaos. I am glad you have a good solid program and know what to do when things get particularly difficult. Keep coming here to vent and please know that you are all in my prayers. Hugs
Hope you can protect yourself as much as possible from the chaos. I am glad you have a good solid program and know what to do when things get particularly difficult. Keep coming here to vent and please know that you are all in my prayers. Hugs
Survivor
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 149
I feel like giving you advise is like preaching to the choir.......so basically all I can do is offer you my support.......and to say boundaries are set for a reason and don't mean a thing unless you stick to them....I don't know which ones you and hubby set, but I would bet that to tolerate this behavior was not in the mix......Seems now is the time to present a united front and restate what will and will not be allowed......believe me when I say, as a Mom, I understand how hard it is.....but living with the lies and chaos for me was much harder.....
Good luck
Good luck
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
I know this is not funny but maybe you could rent them an apartment and then when he gets sick of it he can come home and she can stay and do her thing. Really, sending some hugs. I wish that there was a better answer, but in time he will get on the same page. It took my husband and I time. Hugs, Marle
let it grow!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 15,540
i'm just going to go that counseling appt today and say "i am done." then, i'll just listen..............
it really has to be a choice we both can live with. i just get crazier than he does, so i get "there" faster.
good idea on the apt, marle
it really has to be a choice we both can live with. i just get crazier than he does, so i get "there" faster.
good idea on the apt, marle
Get Caught Reading
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Not in the boonies, thank God
Posts: 1,410
(((((PR)))))
Not being on the same page stinks! I know. I was there.
It took me alot longer to let go of my as than it did my husband. I used to think he was just a wicked stepfather that didn't have that unconditional love that real dads have.
Then I realized I was just kicking myself. Oh, scratch that. lol
Kidding myself.
We all have to reach our own rock bottom in our own time.
Even when it's the "rock bottom" of letting go of our loved ones and admitting our lives have become unmanageable because of codependency.
On the morning that I unlocked the door to let my son in at 5:30 am, my husband broke.
He basically said, "him or me."
It hurt. It hurt like he!!
Yet, I knew in my heart that he was right. My son had to go.
My husband and I had done enough.
I know in my heart that if I had not had to make that choice, I would still be enabling and trying to control my son. He would still be living here, quitting jobs, drinking, or worse.
God leads us all where he wants us to be. I pray my son is learning lessons where he is. I know I am.
Sending prayers up for you, your husband, and your daughter.
Stay strong and he will follow when he's ready.
My heart goes out to you both.
Love,
Linda
Not being on the same page stinks! I know. I was there.
It took me alot longer to let go of my as than it did my husband. I used to think he was just a wicked stepfather that didn't have that unconditional love that real dads have.
Then I realized I was just kicking myself. Oh, scratch that. lol
Kidding myself.
We all have to reach our own rock bottom in our own time.
Even when it's the "rock bottom" of letting go of our loved ones and admitting our lives have become unmanageable because of codependency.
On the morning that I unlocked the door to let my son in at 5:30 am, my husband broke.
He basically said, "him or me."
It hurt. It hurt like he!!
Yet, I knew in my heart that he was right. My son had to go.
My husband and I had done enough.
I know in my heart that if I had not had to make that choice, I would still be enabling and trying to control my son. He would still be living here, quitting jobs, drinking, or worse.
God leads us all where he wants us to be. I pray my son is learning lessons where he is. I know I am.
Sending prayers up for you, your husband, and your daughter.
Stay strong and he will follow when he's ready.
My heart goes out to you both.
Love,
Linda
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
I have lived in that chaos and I know the toll it can take on us.
My son is living in a work release place. So, he's clean and sober, and working, and more importantly, not living with me.
My son is living in a work release place. So, he's clean and sober, and working, and more importantly, not living with me.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
I'm so glad she kept the appt. There were a couple times at our house when we were not on the same page and I was ready to stop the enabling. The last time that happened, I realized that if it was me who wasn't ready I would appreciate him waiting for me to catch up. What we disagreed on was whether to 'bail out' his car...again from impound. One could could probably sell me swampland but I know when I'm hearing a bs story from my son- and that's what happened here, his dad believed the 'story' about how the car got impounded.
You know what- parent? It was just one small delay and as things progressed- mr cmc became ready, and we finally let the car go the next time it was impounded. I'm sure that he will come around, I think it may be more difficult for a dad to let go of a daughter. jmho.
As always, you are in my thoughts and prayers,
hugs,
cmc
You know what- parent? It was just one small delay and as things progressed- mr cmc became ready, and we finally let the car go the next time it was impounded. I'm sure that he will come around, I think it may be more difficult for a dad to let go of a daughter. jmho.
As always, you are in my thoughts and prayers,
hugs,
cmc
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Reading this, the thought occurred to me..."why don't we encourage them to get their own place regardless of how their recovery is going?"
I know with my son, it always had to get very bad and then I'd have to make him leave.
The thing is, when things were good, he was working and could have afforded to have his own place, however modest, and then I would not have had a front row seat to relapses and red flags.
I don't have the answer right now, but it seems to me that when their being around becomes a family issue, it's time for them to find another place...regardless of whether they are using or not. It just makes sense to me right now, and it's late and I'm tired, lol.
Hugs
I know with my son, it always had to get very bad and then I'd have to make him leave.
The thing is, when things were good, he was working and could have afforded to have his own place, however modest, and then I would not have had a front row seat to relapses and red flags.
I don't have the answer right now, but it seems to me that when their being around becomes a family issue, it's time for them to find another place...regardless of whether they are using or not. It just makes sense to me right now, and it's late and I'm tired, lol.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Actually Ann, you are right on the mark (as usual) I was so grateful that when my daughter came back from rehab that she still had an apartment. I found this site shortly after she took up with the abf downstairs. So what everyone said about her moving home really helped when she asked about it a year ago last spring. And the two times since. I told her home is no longer an option. I know that I could not live with that. But everyone must come to that decision themselves and I do not fault parents who let their child move home after rehab. I guess I have just been lucky that I have not had to face asking my daughter to leave. Hugs, Marle
) I was so grateful that when my daughter came back from rehab that she still had an apartment. I found this site shortly after she took up with the abf downstairs. So what everyone said about her moving home really helped when she asked about it a year ago last spring. And the two times since. I told her home is no longer an option. I know that I could not live with that. But everyone must come to that decision themselves and I do not fault parents who let their child move home after rehab. I guess I have just been lucky that I have not had to face asking my daughter to leave. Hugs, Marle
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