I don't know how to live - long post sorry
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Join Date: Feb 2007
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I don't know how to live - long post sorry
I don't know how to be a human being. How are we supposed to live in this world full of people? Every time I have any interaction, I get it wrong.
I get AA wrong. I couldn't relate in my meeting tonight. It was cliquey and full of beautiful people getting it right the first time. There were so many people and I ran away as soon as it was finished. I listened to everyone inside laughing and talking but I went home quietly alone to be with my children.
I thought today I might change a few things that were causing me resentment. I said things to people that I had been wanting to say for years and years. Things I hold inside and they build up until they eat away at me.
I told my ex husband that I would like the children to live with me full time. So they can have one home. I may be an alcoholic but I love my children and I work hard to make a nice home. It's warm and comfortable and I cook every night they are here since I got into AA five months ago. I haven't had a drink around them for five months.
His house is almost a slum and when I went around there in the weekend I knew I couldnt send them back there. My daughter is asthmatic and her matress is covered in black mould. He hasn't bought a single thing since we broke up 7 years ago. He even comes and borrows a frypan still. The sheets are all the same and worn through.
Don't get me wrong. He loves them. I never wanted to get in between my children and their Dad and no matter what, I always stood up for him because I know he loves them. This is just about where they live. They have moved every two weeks for seven years and I want it to stop for their sake. And mine I guess since I pretty much fall apart every time they go away.
I asked that his girlfriend not interfere so much. She is very bossy and when I took my daughter to look for a hostel at the weekend at a University open day, his girlfriend completely took over our plans that we had carefully put together - my daughter and I - over a cup of coffee. The day I had been looking forward to ended up being horrible. It was a special day. She is leaving home next year.
Instead, I spent the day with a huge resentment. She never stopped talking. Everything I said was wrong and she dominated my daughters time. I am trying to not be a sulking victim any more so I asked that she not accompany my daughter and I to such things from now on in an email to my ex. It has had a huge and horrible reaction. Now she says she is going to have to spend more time with them.
I am facing the first fight I ever had with my ex. We never fought even when we were married because we never really talked. He rang the children and got them upset. He never did that before.
What have I done? I prayed so hard tonight. Am I doing this my way and making a mess or am I finally taking the stand that I should have taken years ago? I am no good at this life stuff. I want to crawl away and hide and never talk to anyone.
I get AA wrong. I couldn't relate in my meeting tonight. It was cliquey and full of beautiful people getting it right the first time. There were so many people and I ran away as soon as it was finished. I listened to everyone inside laughing and talking but I went home quietly alone to be with my children.
I thought today I might change a few things that were causing me resentment. I said things to people that I had been wanting to say for years and years. Things I hold inside and they build up until they eat away at me.
I told my ex husband that I would like the children to live with me full time. So they can have one home. I may be an alcoholic but I love my children and I work hard to make a nice home. It's warm and comfortable and I cook every night they are here since I got into AA five months ago. I haven't had a drink around them for five months.
His house is almost a slum and when I went around there in the weekend I knew I couldnt send them back there. My daughter is asthmatic and her matress is covered in black mould. He hasn't bought a single thing since we broke up 7 years ago. He even comes and borrows a frypan still. The sheets are all the same and worn through.
Don't get me wrong. He loves them. I never wanted to get in between my children and their Dad and no matter what, I always stood up for him because I know he loves them. This is just about where they live. They have moved every two weeks for seven years and I want it to stop for their sake. And mine I guess since I pretty much fall apart every time they go away.
I asked that his girlfriend not interfere so much. She is very bossy and when I took my daughter to look for a hostel at the weekend at a University open day, his girlfriend completely took over our plans that we had carefully put together - my daughter and I - over a cup of coffee. The day I had been looking forward to ended up being horrible. It was a special day. She is leaving home next year.
Instead, I spent the day with a huge resentment. She never stopped talking. Everything I said was wrong and she dominated my daughters time. I am trying to not be a sulking victim any more so I asked that she not accompany my daughter and I to such things from now on in an email to my ex. It has had a huge and horrible reaction. Now she says she is going to have to spend more time with them.
I am facing the first fight I ever had with my ex. We never fought even when we were married because we never really talked. He rang the children and got them upset. He never did that before.
What have I done? I prayed so hard tonight. Am I doing this my way and making a mess or am I finally taking the stand that I should have taken years ago? I am no good at this life stuff. I want to crawl away and hide and never talk to anyone.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Steph....
sounds like you're 'owning' way more here than you should. I think you had reasonable expectations and reasonable demands. You're the children's mother - this other woman isn't.
I really don't see this is your failing. Don't sell yourself short hon. You run a company and a home simultaneously. You're not an idiot and clearly you're not someone who can't relate with people. Sometimes things are other people's fault.
D
sounds like you're 'owning' way more here than you should. I think you had reasonable expectations and reasonable demands. You're the children's mother - this other woman isn't.
I really don't see this is your failing. Don't sell yourself short hon. You run a company and a home simultaneously. You're not an idiot and clearly you're not someone who can't relate with people. Sometimes things are other people's fault.
D
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Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: my room in ct.
Posts: 58,110
steph, sorry things are what they may seem...
steph steph, i felt the same way way back... thought i was the bigest F up on this planet...
to keep this quick, after detox'n, and not useing awhile, i knew if i wanted a chance at life again... i had to do some serious work on my self...
i had to learn to let go of what i thought my wants were, and slowly begin to see the reality of what living in a unselfish way was, and is all about...
if not my recovery first, none of the rest could follow, or could i learn to accept what followed...
its all doable as many have come to see...
wishing you all the best steph...
xxoo, rz
ps, as far as ex goes... IMO, let it rest if you want some sanity restored...
steph
I want to crawl away and hide and never talk to anyone.
to keep this quick, after detox'n, and not useing awhile, i knew if i wanted a chance at life again... i had to do some serious work on my self...
i had to learn to let go of what i thought my wants were, and slowly begin to see the reality of what living in a unselfish way was, and is all about...
if not my recovery first, none of the rest could follow, or could i learn to accept what followed...
its all doable as many have come to see...
wishing you all the best steph...
xxoo, rz
ps, as far as ex goes... IMO, let it rest if you want some sanity restored...
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: New Zealand
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Thanks Dee. 
I expect to get an SR blast for getting it wrong - for upsetting people. I am the ultimate nicey wicey people pleaser. But way down deep, I feel a bit of instinct coming to the surface and to be honest, it feels quite nice. I am very protective of my children and our love.
When I drink, that instinct is driven underground and I just go with the easiest alternative. Things that might seem obvious sort of get faded. I never did anything this decisive. I wouldn't do the right thing in order to keep the peace.
I rang my ex and told him not to ring the children about our discussions. My daughter was crying tonight because she thought she was getting in between us. She told me once she is quite scared of his girlfriend. My son has said the same thing but they don't like to say anything to my ex. I know I am scared of her. She reminds me a bit of my Mum. Eeek
I told him they are scared of her after he said that maybe my oldest daughter just preferred his girlfriends company to mine. Grrrr. So he rang my "scared" daughter and got angry and now she is upset and asked not to be involved. I am so angry he did that. In fact, I am deeply angry. I am afraid that years of burying my instincts with booze might be ending. Has anyone else felt so angry in recovery?
Last Christmas, I asked to see the children on Christmas Day. They were at the new girlfriends parents house. As alcoholics, you will understand that asking to be in a strangers house on Christmas Day (sober) is like asking to have someone pull out our teeth with no anaesthetic. I have never met her family. They said no so I spent the day alone - getting trashed of course and feeling bitter. I told him today that if I couldnt see them this year, we would have to make different arrangements so I could see them. It's a normal request and I am prepared to go to court. Am I finally doing the right thing or am I endangering my sobriety by taking a stand which might upset me?
I expect to get an SR blast for getting it wrong - for upsetting people. I am the ultimate nicey wicey people pleaser. But way down deep, I feel a bit of instinct coming to the surface and to be honest, it feels quite nice. I am very protective of my children and our love.
When I drink, that instinct is driven underground and I just go with the easiest alternative. Things that might seem obvious sort of get faded. I never did anything this decisive. I wouldn't do the right thing in order to keep the peace.
I rang my ex and told him not to ring the children about our discussions. My daughter was crying tonight because she thought she was getting in between us. She told me once she is quite scared of his girlfriend. My son has said the same thing but they don't like to say anything to my ex. I know I am scared of her. She reminds me a bit of my Mum. Eeek
I told him they are scared of her after he said that maybe my oldest daughter just preferred his girlfriends company to mine. Grrrr. So he rang my "scared" daughter and got angry and now she is upset and asked not to be involved. I am so angry he did that. In fact, I am deeply angry. I am afraid that years of burying my instincts with booze might be ending. Has anyone else felt so angry in recovery?
Last Christmas, I asked to see the children on Christmas Day. They were at the new girlfriends parents house. As alcoholics, you will understand that asking to be in a strangers house on Christmas Day (sober) is like asking to have someone pull out our teeth with no anaesthetic. I have never met her family. They said no so I spent the day alone - getting trashed of course and feeling bitter. I told him today that if I couldnt see them this year, we would have to make different arrangements so I could see them. It's a normal request and I am prepared to go to court. Am I finally doing the right thing or am I endangering my sobriety by taking a stand which might upset me?
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
I'm certainly no stranger to anger, Steph, although I have to say I deal with it far better sober than drunk. I know myself emotions can come out a little forcefully occasionally in early recovery simply because as addicts we've tried to avoid feeling for so long.
As for the court thing, hope it doesn't come to that, but if your kids really are scared your instinct's right IMO: you need to be a mum and do whatever you need to.
I don't think you'd crack under the pressure of court, personally, cos I know you're a good mum, but I do think some kind of settlement before that (do they have mediated settlements in NZ?) might be best for all concerned, Steph.
As for the court thing, hope it doesn't come to that, but if your kids really are scared your instinct's right IMO: you need to be a mum and do whatever you need to.
I don't think you'd crack under the pressure of court, personally, cos I know you're a good mum, but I do think some kind of settlement before that (do they have mediated settlements in NZ?) might be best for all concerned, Steph.
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RZ. Thank you.
This is a huge change for me. To stand up and say that I will not be the victim anymore. To say that I care and I will do the right thing for my children.
The victim easy going non caring part in me is selfish and drinks. It loves pain and it loves when people "hurt" me or my family. It hangs around with people who will treat us badly. It waits to be saved and rescued but that never happens so it drinks some more.
I thought that part of me was the nice part that lets God decide but I think it is actually a way out of dealing with what I needed to face. No more resentful vicitm pain addict.
The abusive boyfriend has to go and the ex needs to get some stuff sorted.
Or maybe I am wrong again. Probably. maybe I should keep the peace longer while I am so early in recovery.
This is a huge change for me. To stand up and say that I will not be the victim anymore. To say that I care and I will do the right thing for my children.
The victim easy going non caring part in me is selfish and drinks. It loves pain and it loves when people "hurt" me or my family. It hangs around with people who will treat us badly. It waits to be saved and rescued but that never happens so it drinks some more.
I thought that part of me was the nice part that lets God decide but I think it is actually a way out of dealing with what I needed to face. No more resentful vicitm pain addict.
The abusive boyfriend has to go and the ex needs to get some stuff sorted.
Or maybe I am wrong again. Probably. maybe I should keep the peace longer while I am so early in recovery.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
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well...my humble opinion...if you avoid the tough things in recovery, it's not a real recovery.
We gotta live full lives and do the right things for ourselves our friends and our loved ones. If keeping the peace means avoiding conflict for its own sake, I dont find much value in it, Steph.
That being said, if biting off too much to chew'll land you in the bottom of a bottle, I'd pick my battles. Go the important stuff and let the other stuff sort itself out. Find the balance
D
We gotta live full lives and do the right things for ourselves our friends and our loved ones. If keeping the peace means avoiding conflict for its own sake, I dont find much value in it, Steph.
That being said, if biting off too much to chew'll land you in the bottom of a bottle, I'd pick my battles. Go the important stuff and let the other stuff sort itself out. Find the balance
D
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,622
Hi Dee. Sounds like a plan. Mostly because I am a hopeless negotiator and usually just cave to what other people want and then feel resentful. Its different in business. That's like - not me - that's the mask I wear and it has nothing to do with who I am. I can't even describe it really. I have the powerful hard business side and the pathetic abused personal side. I never thought business (making money) was personal so in that environment, I don't try to please.
Unlike angry drinkers, I used to just fade into the wallpaper. I would come into the bar angry and get happily serene.
I am the ultimate doormat and I thought it was because I am nice. It's not nice at all. It's that part of me that needs to drink to cover my resentments.
Unlike angry drinkers, I used to just fade into the wallpaper. I would come into the bar angry and get happily serene.
I am the ultimate doormat and I thought it was because I am nice. It's not nice at all. It's that part of me that needs to drink to cover my resentments.
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Join Date: Mar 2006
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Stop beating up on yourself Steph.
Somewhere along the line when I got sober, I knew i was doing the right thing.
Cuz it's not easy.
We went round and round with my step son. My GF lost him do to her
alcoholism and she wasn't in her right frame of mind whne she was drunk.
The BB pretty saids it like it is. When we use ...society pretty much
do want they with usm,becuase we're wacked out..and not everybody is nice.
Anyway, She fought and fought with her EX-husband. Lawyers and all kinds
of crap. He used scare tactice on her..got a lawyer to sent her letters
and all kinds of fancies word..will whoopie freaken doo...the lawyer is not
a judge, but my gf was sick and wasn't in her right frame of mind. Hire a lawyer,
cost me more money...but i already knew.
She didn't belive me. AA saids "we cease fighting everything and evberybody"
Well after six months of drama and the kid feels like a yo yo.
My gf finally stop after an emotional bottom...It hurts, i know.
But She applied her program. She truned it over...finally.
She did it five minuts at a time. Like she did when she stop drinking.
The same principles.
Well, what do you know. A week later the kid shows up at our front door
with all of his belongings..His step mother drop him off.
The kid moved in with us..No lawyers, no drama, no fighting.lol
Somewhere along the line when I got sober, I knew i was doing the right thing.
Cuz it's not easy.
We went round and round with my step son. My GF lost him do to her
alcoholism and she wasn't in her right frame of mind whne she was drunk.
The BB pretty saids it like it is. When we use ...society pretty much
do want they with usm,becuase we're wacked out..and not everybody is nice.
Anyway, She fought and fought with her EX-husband. Lawyers and all kinds
of crap. He used scare tactice on her..got a lawyer to sent her letters
and all kinds of fancies word..will whoopie freaken doo...the lawyer is not
a judge, but my gf was sick and wasn't in her right frame of mind. Hire a lawyer,
cost me more money...but i already knew.
She didn't belive me. AA saids "we cease fighting everything and evberybody"
Well after six months of drama and the kid feels like a yo yo.
My gf finally stop after an emotional bottom...It hurts, i know.
But She applied her program. She truned it over...finally.
She did it five minuts at a time. Like she did when she stop drinking.
The same principles.
Well, what do you know. A week later the kid shows up at our front door
with all of his belongings..His step mother drop him off.
The kid moved in with us..No lawyers, no drama, no fighting.lol
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: South Africa
Posts: 138
Steph, it sounds like you are becomming who you really are. Thisd is not always easy. It often involves a call to action. And you are becomming able to trust your instinct/higher self again. This is true progress. Like you, I have no real life skills. I have found the Big Book very useful on guiding me on my way, along with a relationship with God, and I use my sponsor a lot, as well as other people in my home group. Not sure if any of this helps you.
But I get the sense you are recovering, and part of that is becomming whjo you truly are. This means changing the dynamic of relationships, and that appears to be what is happening.
Be gentle on yourself
But I get the sense you are recovering, and part of that is becomming whjo you truly are. This means changing the dynamic of relationships, and that appears to be what is happening.
Be gentle on yourself
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: New Zealand
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Hi Calabash. Thanks for your kind words and for understanding. It feels pretty good today to be feeling like I am finally doing the right thing instead of running away from people and responsibilities.
You know I haven't made a choice or a decision for a long time. If there is a job to be done, I never get quotes and then I end up getting ripped off and resentful. If I hire someone, I take the first person who comes along without checking. It usually doesn't work out so .... yep ... more resentment. I never go back for a refund if something breaks and I just go and get a replacement - all the time thinking how mean the world is. Good grief. Get a refund already woman!!
I am starting to "care" instead of just witnessing and shrugging my shoulders.
I talked to my children tonight about all this. They opened up and talked to me like never before. That's got to be good.
You know I haven't made a choice or a decision for a long time. If there is a job to be done, I never get quotes and then I end up getting ripped off and resentful. If I hire someone, I take the first person who comes along without checking. It usually doesn't work out so .... yep ... more resentment. I never go back for a refund if something breaks and I just go and get a replacement - all the time thinking how mean the world is. Good grief. Get a refund already woman!!
I am starting to "care" instead of just witnessing and shrugging my shoulders.
I talked to my children tonight about all this. They opened up and talked to me like never before. That's got to be good.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
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(((Steph))) You're getting so much good advice here, I won't try to add anymore. As a single father in recovery I just wanted to tell you that I admire your strength and determination. In time I hope you'll stop owning so much of the responsibility, and giving yourself some huge pats on the back for being a wonderful mother.
For me, the greatest gift I've received in sobriety is the privilege and ability to be the parent that every child deserves to have. Sounds to me like you're doing just fine so far!
For me, the greatest gift I've received in sobriety is the privilege and ability to be the parent that every child deserves to have. Sounds to me like you're doing just fine so far!
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: England
Posts: 42
Hi
Hi Steph
Just read your posts and I can see how much you are progressing already. You should be so proud of yourself and your wonderful kids. You have achieved so much in your life already and now you are sorting out your drinking issues, life will only get better......
I won't be rude or blunt and say what I would like to say about your ex's girlfriend but I will say that a while back, I had some problems with my husbands' ex and all she needed was putting in her place and the problems were solved. Some people do need reminding of their particular place in life sometimes. After all, you are the Mum in this situation, therefore you out rank everyone!!!!
There is a certain thing that God gives us when we become Mums....It's called MumPower and it's a real force to be reckoned with........
Best wishes to ya.....
ST
Just read your posts and I can see how much you are progressing already. You should be so proud of yourself and your wonderful kids. You have achieved so much in your life already and now you are sorting out your drinking issues, life will only get better......
I won't be rude or blunt and say what I would like to say about your ex's girlfriend but I will say that a while back, I had some problems with my husbands' ex and all she needed was putting in her place and the problems were solved. Some people do need reminding of their particular place in life sometimes. After all, you are the Mum in this situation, therefore you out rank everyone!!!!
There is a certain thing that God gives us when we become Mums....It's called MumPower and it's a real force to be reckoned with........
Best wishes to ya.....
ST
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