Daisy1975

So I am new to all the lingo, but I met a few men today at my NA meeting that other women there described as "13 steppers."

I am assuming these are guys that see a new female come to the group and try to date her or take advantage of her in her recovery? Ugh if this is the case I am already disgusted a bit with a few members at my group. I have tried to really limit my interraction at the meetings to women but I went outside tonight to get some fresh air and felt "pranched" on a little bit by a few males there. I excused myself and went back inside because I felt like they were invading my privacy and asking too many questions.

My question is - is this normal? Or common? Should I look for a women only NA group? I realize I can't escape men in general, but should I have to worry about them trying to use my vulnerabilities against me in meetings?

I was also a little irritated with the multitude of people who came in and out of the entire meeting (making a lot of noise) to go outside and smoke. Even though I chose this meeting originally because it was a no smoking meeting. I don't see how anyone can absorb anything (or hear for that matter) with so much commotion going on. Do you think I might have just chosen a bad meeting tonight or is this the norm? I hope not!

madworld

yeah honestly you must be pretty hard up if your trying to pray on women in recovery because their vulnerable. Yo you got have some weak game if thats only place you can pick up women.

Taking5

Unfortunately it is common. However most men don't do this. Even outside of AA there are men that prey on vulnerable and/or sick women. And newcomers are easy prey as they are much more vulnerable.

Women's only meetings is a choice only you can make. You probably ought to "shop around" and find a group you are comfortable with. Some groups, actally a lot in my experience, are very cliqueish. Find one you are comfortable with, and you'll do fine.

mikel60

It happens. Some of the guys actually probably believe that they are "trying to help". Deep dwn they know they aren't. Most guys don't do this and those that do are almost always habitual offenders. Talk to some of the women that have been around awhile. They'll know who the usual suspects are. You shouldn't have to put up with that. This is one thing that drives me crazy. I'd take madworld's comment one step further and say they've got no game.
Mike

Cathy31

Most men in recovery don't do this - in fact I have never been 13 stepped and I'm pretty good looking and young!

Shop around for meetings - you are right, it does sound pretty distracting, give a few others a try, and you WILL find one that fits...well done for taking that all important first step!!! Good on you!!!!!!

Cathy31
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Rowan

Hi Daisy,

It drives me crazy when people go in and out to smoke, get fresh coffee, etc, but I just remind myself that I am powerless over people, places, and things, not just alcohol. To do otherwise, just feeds resentment.

My home group is a women's meeting, and we meet weekly. The rest of the time, I go to mixed meetings, and I've been around long enough that I know how to handle the 'predators', and I've learned to be protective of the new women coming in.

These guys who were outside the meeting may or may not have had an agenda. If they start looking for hugs when they see you, I'd stick my arm out well in advance, showing that a handshake is the most they are going to get from you. You did the right thing - you felt uncomfortable, so you went back inside.

Keep seeking out the women, and in time you'll be able to recognize more easily which men have an agenda, and which do not. It goes both ways, unfortunately; I've seen plenty of women go after the new guys.

Rowan

Jersey Nonny

Unfortunately, life "in the rooms" is not much different than life in the clubs/bar rooms. I would bet the same guys that were coming on to you are the same ones that did it when they were "out there"...they fancy themselves smooooooth!

Quote:

Keep seeking out the women, and in time you'll be able to recognize more easily which men have an agenda, and which do not. It goes both ways, unfortunately; I've seen plenty of women go after the new guys.

I agree with Rowan. I was once sponsoring a woman who told a male friend of mine she had a year in AA, so he invited her for coffee after a meeting. I saw them headed toward the door, and I stopped them to call him aside. I warned him it would not be a good idea to see her outside a meeting. He said, "But, she told me she had a year in AA." I responded, "I'll bet she didn't tell you how much of that year she's been sober...she actually doesn't even have 90 days." She was furious with me, but he couldn't thank me enough.

Just a word to the wise, Daisey...from those who've seen the AA players in action.

Peter

Yes the 13 Steppers are out there, but after 10 yrs in NA I happen to think the majority of what I have witnessed are there for recovery.

Try to differentiate what may be interest in your recovery from someone with 13 Step intentions.

Try going to a different, smaller meeting. I do not believe in "Special Interest" meetings

Jersey Nonny

Quote:

Try going to a different, smaller meeting. I do not believe in "Special Interest" meetings

By that, do you mean Women's, Men's, Young People's, Beginner's, Gay's, Big Book, Traditions, Steps, etc.?

Doesn't speak well for Sober Recovery, which addresses many of the above, and then some. If a "special interest" brings people together in the name of recovery, I say, "Way to go!"

Peter

What I believe or don't believe about AA meetings has nothing to do with what augers well for Sober Recovery.

IO Storm

13th Steppers exist for sure..

My BF and I have been approached..and stalked by some..

And in the other's presence..sheesh!

And worse..we've both "taken the bait"..it makes for broken hearts.

The whole thing has left a bitter taste in my mouth.

I think it is disgusting.

My two cents..

Love,

IO

IO Storm

Just another word to newcomers...guard your heart..and your body...

Your sobriety is far more worth than a couple of thrills...

baggervance

Rowan thats why I avoid touching or mostly talking to women in the program.If I know a lady well I will talk to them or hug them but I dont wont anyone to get wrong idea.Remember some are sicker than others.I was in a meeting with first temp sponser and some girl said she was a sex addict guy said I can help her.