Maybe Im not ready ...
I pulled off your wings ...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: United Kingdom (Im already there in mind)
Posts: 475
Maybe Im not ready ...
Hello everyone...
Well I guess i should get serious here for a minute. I try to be funny and post quirky things but its time I stop the "Im ok" front.
Im not okay.... I havent been my whole life.
I posted my journal on here in mental health... I do things that some of you wouldnt ever think of doing... I harm myself... and use drugs... i used drugs to stop harming.... i harmed so i wouldnt use drugs.... well since the drugs are out i harm again...
Im not looking for pity at all... Im just showing you who Igetallnumb really is. She is mentaly ill.... and an addict. Tonight I hit the lowest of the low .... my depression is so bad I refuse to speak verbally.... i shut all the way down.
I have no friends...in real life. I feel like a freak and a weirdo... the only friends I have are in cyber space. Its hard enough to be an addict to find people to talk to about it.... but imagine being an addict who self harms? Even harder.
Sometimes I feel it would be better if I used again....
I tried being funny posting cute lil things on here to gain friends.... thats all I know how to. Nobody wants to really know me.... who would? Im a nut. The girl who cracks jokes and posts funny things is really me.....if i was well. But im not and im harming myself pretending to be fine when Im not.
Maybe Im just not ready.... maybe im just not strong enough right now....
I have to give up too much and I cannot do it .... a week is all i can do right now .... im suffering way to much right now...
I have to cope.... I do not have coping skills.... I have give my mind a rest for one moment ... Im wrestling way too many demons at once ...
Im not okay and I guess Im not ready to get well
To those who read this thank you for your time...and im sorry for failing all of you who had faith i could get clean ....
maybe one day i will
Well I guess i should get serious here for a minute. I try to be funny and post quirky things but its time I stop the "Im ok" front.
Im not okay.... I havent been my whole life.
I posted my journal on here in mental health... I do things that some of you wouldnt ever think of doing... I harm myself... and use drugs... i used drugs to stop harming.... i harmed so i wouldnt use drugs.... well since the drugs are out i harm again...
Im not looking for pity at all... Im just showing you who Igetallnumb really is. She is mentaly ill.... and an addict. Tonight I hit the lowest of the low .... my depression is so bad I refuse to speak verbally.... i shut all the way down.
I have no friends...in real life. I feel like a freak and a weirdo... the only friends I have are in cyber space. Its hard enough to be an addict to find people to talk to about it.... but imagine being an addict who self harms? Even harder.
Sometimes I feel it would be better if I used again....
I tried being funny posting cute lil things on here to gain friends.... thats all I know how to. Nobody wants to really know me.... who would? Im a nut. The girl who cracks jokes and posts funny things is really me.....if i was well. But im not and im harming myself pretending to be fine when Im not.
Maybe Im just not ready.... maybe im just not strong enough right now....
I have to give up too much and I cannot do it .... a week is all i can do right now .... im suffering way to much right now...
I have to cope.... I do not have coping skills.... I have give my mind a rest for one moment ... Im wrestling way too many demons at once ...
Im not okay and I guess Im not ready to get well
To those who read this thank you for your time...and im sorry for failing all of you who had faith i could get clean ....
maybe one day i will
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: UK
Posts: 18,299
Hi Jen, I was thinking about you this morning. I would like to thankyou for posting so honestly about yourself. It takes tremendous courage to open up like you have and I really admire you for it.
You havent failed anyone hun, anyone who is an addict understands completely how hard it is. I sometimes feel like I am putting on a cheerful 'face' on this forum when I am not OK too. Its hard to be really honest and its something I am working on.
When you get to the UK, maybe you could look into getting more support like outpatient rehab, just try any and all support you can.
And dont go away from SR Jen, we need you here.
You havent failed anyone hun, anyone who is an addict understands completely how hard it is. I sometimes feel like I am putting on a cheerful 'face' on this forum when I am not OK too. Its hard to be really honest and its something I am working on.
When you get to the UK, maybe you could look into getting more support like outpatient rehab, just try any and all support you can.
And dont go away from SR Jen, we need you here.
Trying to do the right thing.
Join Date: May 2006
Location: London
Posts: 4,345
I Got about as far as ''Im a Nut'' ......!!!!
No you aint ..Hon..
Dont say things about yourself like that ..its NOT TRUE ....!
I know its tough Honey ....Its good your opening up ...and give yourself abit of a break
You desreve it .....!!!!!
Stoney is right,.... it Takes Courage to Open up ....
and your doin that .....xXx.....!
Know we love you here until you can love yourself .....
No you aint ..Hon..
Dont say things about yourself like that ..its NOT TRUE ....!
I know its tough Honey ....Its good your opening up ...and give yourself abit of a break
You desreve it .....!!!!!
Stoney is right,.... it Takes Courage to Open up ....
and your doin that .....xXx.....!
Know we love you here until you can love yourself .....
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,299
Welcome to SR honey-like we don't know all this?
You are NOT a freak-not here.We have all felt like we didn't belong-anywhere.....
In my offline life?I'm a professional comedian.I'm the one who makes everyone laugh too-but underneath that has been a huge sadness.I've always felt like I never belonged-but wanted to so desperately.
I drank to cover the pain.
You are in the right place.You don't need to go anywhere.We do understand and we're here for you.You're one of us.You do belong.
Please stay and keep posting as 'you'.
I really like and warm to this 'real' you much better than the fun one you felt you had to be.
You're safe here.You CAN recover.We'll hold on to you.
Much love,
Jules xox
You are NOT a freak-not here.We have all felt like we didn't belong-anywhere.....
In my offline life?I'm a professional comedian.I'm the one who makes everyone laugh too-but underneath that has been a huge sadness.I've always felt like I never belonged-but wanted to so desperately.
I drank to cover the pain.
You are in the right place.You don't need to go anywhere.We do understand and we're here for you.You're one of us.You do belong.
Please stay and keep posting as 'you'.
I really like and warm to this 'real' you much better than the fun one you felt you had to be.
You're safe here.You CAN recover.We'll hold on to you.
Much love,
Jules xox
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Denver, Colorado
Posts: 81
I apologize in advance, I haven't learned quite how to multi-quote yet!
I don't know, I have done some pretty crazy things too. Things that I am always worried will scare others. I have been surprised how many others have related once I confessed.
"Im not looking for pity at all... Im just showing you who Igetallnumb really is. She is mentaly ill.... and an addict. Tonight I hit the lowest of the low .... my depression is so bad I refuse to speak verbally.... i shut all the way down."
I hear you there! I am mentally ill too. I am sure most of us here would consider ourselves ill in one respect or the other. I have been hospitalized for mental illness. I'm not even ashamed anymore to admit it. Chronic depression and mental illness runs in my family big time. I never tried to harm anyone other than myself, but I am sure if someone wanted to look into my mental health records - they might be shocked too. I was hospitalized in 2001 for cutting myself. The scary thing is that I don't even remember the actual act of cutting that put me in the hospital!
"I have no friends...in real life. I feel like a freak and a weirdo... the only friends I have are in cyber space. Its hard enough to be an addict to find people to talk to about it.... but imagine being an addict who self harms? Even harder."
Well if you are a freak and a weirdo - count me in too! I don't have any "real" friends yet in the city I live in. Most of the people I consider "real" friends communicate with me via e-mail. I would say my cat is my best friend here right now, lol.
"Maybe Im just not ready.... maybe im just not strong enough right now...."
I know what you mean, and I have slipped already and relapsed. Sometimes it's a tall order to be strong enough. Try taking it one hour at a time if you have to, that is what I am doing. I think you are strong enough, you just might need to take baby steps.
I know it's not much consolation, but there are hundreds of other people feeling exactly what you are now. You're not alone. We're just in different time zones.
Originally Posted by igetallnumb 
I do things that some of you wouldnt ever think of doing... I harm myself... and use drugs... i used drugs to stop harming.... i harmed so i wouldnt use drugs.... well since the drugs are out i harm again...
"Im not looking for pity at all... Im just showing you who Igetallnumb really is. She is mentaly ill.... and an addict. Tonight I hit the lowest of the low .... my depression is so bad I refuse to speak verbally.... i shut all the way down."
I hear you there! I am mentally ill too. I am sure most of us here would consider ourselves ill in one respect or the other. I have been hospitalized for mental illness. I'm not even ashamed anymore to admit it. Chronic depression and mental illness runs in my family big time. I never tried to harm anyone other than myself, but I am sure if someone wanted to look into my mental health records - they might be shocked too. I was hospitalized in 2001 for cutting myself. The scary thing is that I don't even remember the actual act of cutting that put me in the hospital!
"I have no friends...in real life. I feel like a freak and a weirdo... the only friends I have are in cyber space. Its hard enough to be an addict to find people to talk to about it.... but imagine being an addict who self harms? Even harder."
Well if you are a freak and a weirdo - count me in too! I don't have any "real" friends yet in the city I live in. Most of the people I consider "real" friends communicate with me via e-mail. I would say my cat is my best friend here right now, lol.
"Maybe Im just not ready.... maybe im just not strong enough right now...."
I know what you mean, and I have slipped already and relapsed. Sometimes it's a tall order to be strong enough. Try taking it one hour at a time if you have to, that is what I am doing. I think you are strong enough, you just might need to take baby steps.
I know it's not much consolation, but there are hundreds of other people feeling exactly what you are now. You're not alone. We're just in different time zones.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,378
I think was a very courageous post J.
You're not ok ? Neither am I in lots of ways. Still.
I've learnt and finally accepted there's no shame in that. No shame at all.
But it would be a shame to let that beat you.
I like crazy funster Jen, but I appreciate open honest real Jen more.
There's no-one quite like Jen, just theres no-one else quite like D.
It's what makes this a special place because, despite our differences, we all have
the common hope that, with a lot of work and a lot of honesty, we will recover, rebuild, and regroup with each other's help.
I hope you decide that you do have a place here, cos you will be missed.
There are people here who like you and who understand, and lots more who want to.
D
You're not ok ? Neither am I in lots of ways. Still.
I've learnt and finally accepted there's no shame in that. No shame at all.
But it would be a shame to let that beat you.
I like crazy funster Jen, but I appreciate open honest real Jen more.
There's no-one quite like Jen, just theres no-one else quite like D.
It's what makes this a special place because, despite our differences, we all have
the common hope that, with a lot of work and a lot of honesty, we will recover, rebuild, and regroup with each other's help.
I hope you decide that you do have a place here, cos you will be missed.
There are people here who like you and who understand, and lots more who want to.
D
Community Greeter
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Mid-Life Express
Posts: 9,930
I can feel your pain through your words and we are all here for you unconditionally. You are not alone and you are ill, we are your friends and will help out however we can. I am walking beside you today.
JUST DO IT!!
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Here Or There
Posts: 7,612
What we have here hon is a three part disease, Physically, Mentally, and Spiritually. I am a NUT also. I say that because it is true, I am mentally different than most "Normal" People just like many of us here.
I do self harm also but just in a different way, like I used to hit myself in the face with my fist really hard many times also. I haven't done that for quite awhile now. It takes a huge amount of work to recover. This disease will always be with it but we have to focus on the positive stuff that happens in our lives. I know that is easier said than done, but really it isn't too hard.
I hope that you do realize that we all are sick here! You fit in with us just as we fit in with you
Blessings and happiness coming your way.
I say that because it is true, I am mentally different than most "Normal" People just like many of us here.I do self harm also but just in a different way, like I used to hit myself in the face with my fist really hard many times also. I haven't done that for quite awhile now. It takes a huge amount of work to recover. This disease will always be with it but we have to focus on the positive stuff that happens in our lives. I know that is easier said than done, but really it isn't too hard.
I hope that you do realize that we all are sick here! You fit in with us just as we fit in with you
Blessings and happiness coming your way.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: my room in ct.
Posts: 58,110
numb'r, glad you started the thread...
i followed your post for some time... in my heart, i knew you were not well...
thats why i asked you about your recovery...
its ok to want to liked and loved... just numb'r, work on yourself first...
this is the serious time of it... you can be miss popularity when your better, and you can be better...
honesty, with oneself, and others...
prayers of hope head'n out to you numb'r
xxoo, rz
ps, welcome to the nut of the month club...
were all a little strange or we wouldnt be here in the first place...
i followed your post for some time... in my heart, i knew you were not well...
thats why i asked you about your recovery...
its ok to want to liked and loved... just numb'r, work on yourself first...
this is the serious time of it... you can be miss popularity when your better, and you can be better...
honesty, with oneself, and others...
prayers of hope head'n out to you numb'r
xxoo, rz
ps, welcome to the nut of the month club...
were all a little strange or we wouldnt be here in the first place...
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 12,136
Jen,
Thank you for reaching out.
Although this is an online community, we are real people, just like you, and we care. I have many friends here, as do you. Where would we be without the internet? At least we can connect with one another here, and recognize that we aren't truly as alone as we feel.
You can get well, Jen. Believe in yourself. Be yourself.
Love, Row xoxoxo
Thank you for reaching out.
Although this is an online community, we are real people, just like you, and we care. I have many friends here, as do you. Where would we be without the internet? At least we can connect with one another here, and recognize that we aren't truly as alone as we feel.
You can get well, Jen. Believe in yourself. Be yourself.
Love, Row xoxoxo
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: www.ericwhitfieldart.com
Posts: 114
I just want to say thank you. I have no words of wisdom for you -- I wish I did. All I can say is thank you. Your honesty and your ability to express your pain and uncertainty is beautiful. THAT is the first step to the success you desire. Good for you. YOU ROCK!!!!
IO Storm
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Southern California
Posts: 18,436
Quoting Jules 62...
Welcome to SR honey-like we don't know all this? You are NOT a freak-
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Jen..it is not difficult to see through another's laughter and guess there
is a butt load of pain lying undeneath...
I am a bonafide nut too..two psych wards...and bipolar..
I strongly suggest NA...it seems you need some "friends with skin on" to
give you a hug and tell you that you belong...
You will find others there just like you!
And stay with us here...
Love ya!
IO
Welcome to SR honey-like we don't know all this? You are NOT a freak-
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Jen..it is not difficult to see through another's laughter and guess there
is a butt load of pain lying undeneath...
I am a bonafide nut too..two psych wards...and bipolar..
I strongly suggest NA...it seems you need some "friends with skin on" to
give you a hug and tell you that you belong...
You will find others there just like you!
And stay with us here...
Love ya!
IO
I pulled off your wings ...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: United Kingdom (Im already there in mind)
Posts: 475
Thank you for replying ...every last one of you guys touched my heart .... enough to bring me to tears ..
Its hard to admit your ill.... for me it was easier to admit I was a addict then a self mutilator... the depression I feel is worse then ever ...
Im afraid to leave the house right now even thought I am afraid to be here too ... im stuck in mental limbo...
Today I SI'd ( self injured) ive been doing it for a couple of says now... i feel like a baloon ready to pop I needed some release. I called docs... trying to get an emergency appointment and I did... but.... i couldnt leave the house i was too scared to ... so we had a phone session instead... the doc told me he couldnt understand what I was saying... all my words were mixed up and I wasnt focusing at all
He decided to come to my house today (very rare for U.S docs)
He said I am in a mental breakdown ... when I saw him I forgot who he was.... and I was scared to speak to him... my SI has spread to my face.... I dont care who sees now... he said it was in my best interest to be sedated....so he did... he left and gave my brother instructions for my care...
Im on "watch" due to my history... one slip up I go in the ward again (after six attempts on my life they dont want to take chances)
Im glad you guys like to see this Jen because this Jen right here is all I got now.... I dont want to pretend anymore
Pretending just made it worse
Its hard to admit your ill.... for me it was easier to admit I was a addict then a self mutilator... the depression I feel is worse then ever ...
Im afraid to leave the house right now even thought I am afraid to be here too ... im stuck in mental limbo...
Today I SI'd ( self injured) ive been doing it for a couple of says now... i feel like a baloon ready to pop I needed some release. I called docs... trying to get an emergency appointment and I did... but.... i couldnt leave the house i was too scared to ... so we had a phone session instead... the doc told me he couldnt understand what I was saying... all my words were mixed up and I wasnt focusing at all
He decided to come to my house today (very rare for U.S docs)
He said I am in a mental breakdown ... when I saw him I forgot who he was.... and I was scared to speak to him... my SI has spread to my face.... I dont care who sees now... he said it was in my best interest to be sedated....so he did... he left and gave my brother instructions for my care...
Im on "watch" due to my history... one slip up I go in the ward again (after six attempts on my life they dont want to take chances)
Im glad you guys like to see this Jen because this Jen right here is all I got now.... I dont want to pretend anymore
Pretending just made it worse
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: tennessee
Posts: 592
Jen
BIG HUGS 4U. Im nuts think we all are hell I think everyone is crazy in some way.I dont have many freinds truth is I just dont like many people.I punish myself in other ways sometimes like today I had to bite my tounge just to talk some bisness with a guy.Kept looking at him and thinking I wonder what it would be like just to knock the hell out of you.He was nice pleasent but that thought just kept running through my mind.Who me nuts? Nah not me!
BIG HUGS 4U. Im nuts think we all are hell I think everyone is crazy in some way.I dont have many freinds truth is I just dont like many people.I punish myself in other ways sometimes like today I had to bite my tounge just to talk some bisness with a guy.Kept looking at him and thinking I wonder what it would be like just to knock the hell out of you.He was nice pleasent but that thought just kept running through my mind.Who me nuts? Nah not me!
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