sue44sj

AH has been out of the apartment for a couple weeks now. he isrenting a room with some people he met while out there, they are addicts too. he hasnt gone back to work, i dont know if he still has a job. he is saying he has nowhere to live and no money left. i dont want him back here. but i start to feel guilty for throwing him out of his home. help!!!

WantsOut

What a codie question. Let me ask you this: what makes him so fragile and special that he can't even support himself? Millions of men all over the planet support not just themselves, but their families as well.

So this adult male in the United States can't even get himself to work on a daily basis? And YOU feel guilty?

Get thyself to Alanon asap

Barbara52

Why do you feel guilty? Are you somehow preventing him from being a full productive adult? Are you making him drink? Did you make him lose his job? Are you preventing him from finding a new job? Are you making him do anything?

Of course not! You are only responsible for yourself and your choices. He is responsible for his.

Take a few deep breaths and remember you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't change it.

Barbara52

BTW my AH likes to throw at me that I am kicking him when he's down by having left him. Like I am the one who has been out of work for 2 years and hasn't done a danged thing to find a job other than apply for jobs for which he is unqualified over the internet. I left 3 weeks ago and he still hasn't gotten off his behind to find a freakin' job or 2 or 3 to support himself. I think the utilities will be turned off before he decides to get some job, any job, to get by.

CE Girl

ummmmm,,,Sue44sj,,excuse my bluntness,,but he is "homeless" due to his own ACTIONS. Did you want to go down with him?

Guilt is a primary form of manipulation for an A. Mine lost his car, home and job, and then asked ME to help him?!?!?

Hell no, I was just building up the last round of destruction left in his wake.

I like eating!!! LOL,,,

You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it

Save yourself!!!!

Peace

suzieq1972

My AH has been out of the house for a month now. I told him he needed to work on getting better before he came home. He swears that's what he's doing but with no meetings or anything. He says he knows he's getting better because he doesn't get drunk every day now, although he does need to drink every day so he's not sick. Oh yeah, and he has to take the occassional pill so his back won't hurt. Whatever!!! I actually haven't heard from him since last Tuesday when he came by the house wanting money an I told him NO! My son did give him $10 though, which he promised to pay back. Again, WHATEVER!! It has been somewhat peaceful althoug I do worry about him sometimes. I'm trying to get up the courage to take the next step whatever that may be. Just remember he made this choice, not you.

Spiritual Seeker

Nothing changes if nothing changes. Maybe now he'll see his "bottom" and want a different way to live.He has to get there himself by his own steam. If not, at least you are not on the way down with him.

guineapigjude

It's really hard to let go of the notion we are responsible for the predicaments our A's get into ~ they have manipulated us to a place where we are to blame for everything, and it's difficult to undue all that conditioning. Even though we know we're not responsible for his/her choices and their consequences, old habits die hard.
Focus on you. What did you do to cause his current situation? Do you owe him a way out? Will that benefit you, or him for that matter? You don't need to be accountable for the consequences of his choices, only of yours!

GiveLove

At the top of the friends & family of substance abusers board, there is a stickie called "That's What Addicts Do". I will take a page from that:

You feel guilty because that's what us codependents do. We take responsibility for things like the fact that here we have a healthy adult american male who is unwilling to go out and find work to support himself.

Why? Because that's what we do.

As you move forward with your life and further into your own recovery from these thought patterns, you will feel sorrow and pity, but no guilt.

You did not do this. All you did was save yourself from this. As a friend put it once to me, you were put on this earth for bigger things than just wet-nursing an alcoholic.

Love,
GL

dollydo

He is not working because he doesn't want to.

He is living where he is because he is too lazy to work.

He is drinking because he is an alcoholic.

These are all his choices, not yours.

Mr. Christian

Guilty?
Heck no you should be thnking yourself for getting out from under a mess.

Guilt is for who have done wrong.
You saved yourself.