Feeling a bit mean..

Old 08-05-2007, 01:25 AM
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Feeling a bit mean..

I told my bf a long time ago that I didn't wanna hear anymore of his BS and "pity me" crap anymore...sick of hearing about it, am bored of it etc...
Detaching quite nicely....he hasn't spoken to me about his drinking and "state of mind" for a long time now...he's seemed ok..
Never occured to me that he'd hide how he was feeling..
He told yesterday that he felt very lonely and isolated, like he has no one, no one to talk to etc..He told me he's felt like this for a long time and when I asked why he hasn't said anything he reminded me about what I said..

When I said what I said, I didn't mean I didn't want him to discuss his feelings ever...just not when he was on a binge and a "poor me" downer...

Now I kinda feel mean that he feels he can't talk to me ever...I don't want him to feel like that...I think I forget that he's human sometimes as well as an alcoholic...How do you seperate the two...be there for the man but not the drunk?
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Old 08-05-2007, 02:30 AM
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That's a tough question. I think it depends on how far the disease has progressed. There comes a point that "the man" is long gone and a walking addiction is all that remains. At that point, I just quit talking for the most part, although I had a "slip" last night. Whew! Don't even want to put my toe in that poison pond again!

JMO, but I'd be there for the man when he's sober and wants to discuss how he feels. I don't listen to my AH and his "feelings" when he's on a drunken crying jag or throwing a personal pity party. However, I mistakenly listened to his gibberish last night, and he was in one of his moods to rip my heart out of my chest. Yeah, it got to me. Today I've recovered from the hurtful things said.

If you feel your bf wants to talk with you, and he feels you brushed him off, even though that was not your intention, perhaps making amends for that comment or just explaining what you meant by it may make him feel more comfortable to having a discussion. Just be careful that he's not manipulating and he's sincere in his desire to talk about what he's really feeling.

I tend to be leery of any type of "feeling discussions" with an active A. However, that is MY own trust issue to deal with. What you feel in your heart, and based on your experience with him, should help guide you.
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Old 08-05-2007, 04:50 AM
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very tough question. but i have a very easy answer that worked for me in my relationship with my xh.......i found that his addiction had progressed to the point that even when he was sober, his thinking was very "out there"....so trying to hold a real conversation with him made as much sense as trying to purchase a loaf of bread at the hardware store.

all of our conversations were manipulated right back to the same crazy road.

after many years of trying to be supportive of his feelings, i learned that it was impossible as long as he was not into recovery.

i had to turn the focus on myself and be supportive of me.

very tough question.....no black or white here. lots of shades of grays...
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Old 08-05-2007, 05:55 AM
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Originally Posted by embraced2000 View Post
very tough question. but i have a very easy answer that worked for me in my relationship with my xh.......i found that his addiction had progressed to the point that even when he was sober, his thinking was very "out there"....so trying to hold a real conversation with him made as much sense as trying to purchase a loaf of bread at the hardware store.

all of our conversations were manipulated right back to the same crazy road.

after many years of trying to be supportive of his feelings, i learned that it was impossible as long as he was not into recovery.

i had to turn the focus on myself and be supportive of me.

very tough question.....no black or white here. lots of shades of grays...


I have found this to be the case,too,Jeri. Like Toby Rice Drews says (in "Getting Them Sober" ) even when they are not drinking, their brains are still being adversely effected by the alcohol (and the ISMs). It takes about 30 days (with NO drinking at all) just to get the alcohol out of the system...not to mention the damage and thinking twists that have occured.

My exAh talked like this....I felt badly,too until I realized what his "disease was saying" when he said this.....which was, "I liked it better when you bought my BS and let me do what I wanted to and helped me blame it on things other than alcoholism for thinking,acting and feeling this way". When I started to detatch (and it was a little harsh at first,my bad for that) he was left with those feelings himself and he was upset about that. That's when he decided I was to blame.....found someone else, and now I think that didn't work and SHE probably is in the "junk pile",too.....

Good luck. I am sure he DOES feel bad, but that is why he needs to get REAL help for it. You can't do that for him. jmho.
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Old 08-05-2007, 08:42 AM
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Originally Posted by TheMissus View Post
Now I kinda feel mean that he feels he can't talk to me ever...
AH was very good at getting me to feel badly about the way I was treating him. It's really simple. Embrace sobriety and we can talk until the cows come home.

((()))
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Old 08-05-2007, 08:49 AM
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All I can tell you is that in my situation I was amazed to learn just how manipulative my ex was. I really had no idea when we were together. Now I see it very clearly. Even scarier, I see how twistedly manipulative I was/am as well. We were a matching set back then I'm trying hard to evolve.
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Old 08-05-2007, 10:01 AM
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You are not being mean at all. If he want’s to talk to someone about this there are plenty of AA meetings to go to.
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Old 08-05-2007, 10:22 AM
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Dont feel mean or nasty. Mine used to tell me how upset he was and what's wrong with me. in the beginning i'd say Oh dont worry about it everything would be ok , youve just got a lot on your mind (classic codie talk). After reading about the disease and detaching i'd tell him honestly why his life was a mess, diplomatically. After a while he figured that there was no sympathy only truth which he didnt want to hear. So stopped talking about it. Mine was manipulating me by trying to make me feel bad so that i would shut up about his drinking. which i did, but i did that for my sanity and it really puzzled him. Do what you feel comfortable with. You know him better than himself probably. It's such a shame though to see them go through this.

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Old 08-05-2007, 10:50 AM
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I can relate.....my AW says the same things. You want to talk to them about their feelings but it always comes back to the same thing....they want you to help, understand how tough it is etc. I have been working real hard on this with my therapist. Part of this is my issue......and I'm working on it.
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Old 08-06-2007, 02:42 AM
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Thanks for all the replies, tis appreciated.

I honestly don't think he is trying to manipulate me...the man is an open book and I can read him very well. We've been through the manipulation thing and I know when he's doing it straight off and always call him on it and then end the conversation.
He doesn't blame the way he's feeling on other things, he's knows it's the alcoholism and like Mair, I speak to him quite directly and honestly about why he feels the way he does.

I told him that I can't help him and he knows this, I told him if he needed people to talk to who understand then he should come here and read the alcoholism board because no matter how hard I try I can't understand what he's going through, the same way he can't know what it's like to be sober and live with an active alcoholic.
I feel sad that he's feeling lonely. I don't think the disease has progressed beyond the man yet...we went through a faze (when I joined here) when I thought it had but he's still there, struggling and his "alocholic rants and pity parties" have all but disappeared.
I have no idea how hard it must be being an A and that's what I forget...Since detaching I haven't really thought about what it's like for him, more about what it's like for me, and where that's helped me alot, I don't want to forget about his feelings completely. It's so confusing.
I think he feels very isolated because he has no friends or family where we live. He moved from his home town to live with me so the only people he knows besides me and my family are a few lads from the pub, who aren't friends that he can talk to, more just mates he watches the match with once a fortnight etc.
It's a horrible feeling, being lonely. If I didn't have my family and friends around me when I needed them (or even when I didn't) I think I would go quite mad.

I told him that he can talk to me. But if he is having a pity party, you know...drinking fast, staring at the floor, angry with the world etc.. then I will not get into a conversation with him about anything related to me or him or "us" or his alcoholism.
He did get a little defensive when I told him I found it "boring"....eek. I explained that in the past when he was throwing a pity party for days at a time, that listening to the same thing over and over again bored me to tears.
I'm the type of person..if I have a problem (for example my weight issues) then I'm not one to get depressed about it and talk and talk about it and how hard it is and then not do anything about it and then just do the same thing the next day. I don't see a point on dwelling on things that you're not ready to change....at least I won't do it with family or with him, I may talk about it online sometimes but I don't see a point in making my family worried about me.
For him, he says talking with me helps him not feel so isolated. I'm finding it really hard seperating him from his alcoholism, the line isn't straight, it's all wavy!!
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Old 08-06-2007, 06:18 AM
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Originally Posted by Pick-a-name View Post
I have found this to be the case,too,Jeri. Like Toby Rice Drews says (in "Getting Them Sober" ) even when they are not drinking, their brains are still being adversely effected by the alcohol (and the ISMs). It takes about 30 days (with NO drinking at all) just to get the alcohol out of the system...not to mention the damage and thinking twists that have occured.
Started to read this book! Great Read!


TheMissus sorry you are going through this...

My XABF would try to do the same thing with the manipulation of "I feel alone""I have no one to talk too" "You wont just listen to how I feel" etc....imagine that! I yes I allowed him to ruin TWO of my Christmas Holidays among many other (family) functions, vacations etc...until I finally realized the dance we were both doing and I did not want to dance anymore.(Mine was good at making me feel like I was the mean one!) You are not mean! It is called taking care of yourself! Very important!

Denny said it perfect as always:
It's really simple. Embrace sobriety and we can talk until the cows come home.


Never realized just how simple it was until I stopped the focus on him and started placing it on ME!

Take care of you Missus-there are plenty of support options out there! Jump on what maybe right for you!
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Old 08-06-2007, 05:54 PM
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He drinks, and with that all the emotions real and imagined come out.
Of course he feels lonely. Alcoholics are lonely in their world of dispair.
Like you, I just don't want to be part of that dispair. Sober, talk to me. Drunk? Quack quack quack...
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