aGrandma

I'm wondering - in Al Anon or wherever - how can a person go about their life, and focus on themselves - when they have a family member who is drunk all the time in their house? When a drunk person keeps them up all hours of the night when they have to get up and go to work in the morning? When the family member is depressed and angry and crying?
I'm not making a joke, I am serious...the only way I can see the answer is to not live with that person. What are the alternatives? I can't see any.
Thanks guys!!

Lady BlueMiles

I realized my life is a mess and out of control after years of living with my AH. I found this SR board and soon after made the decision to start working the Alanon 12 step program for my own recovery.

Last Monday night was my first face to face meeting with a group near my house. The people welcomed me and were very nice. They meet every Monday and I plan to be there this coming Monday night.

justjo

The only alternative is 'when that family member' decides to do something about it. I learnt the hard way and it did take me a while. You basically have no alternative but to get them away from you, otherwise it may destroy you.
While you are putting up with all the drama, they will continue to have you involved, why not, especially as you probably do most for them and they know it. Why try to get real, when I can avoid it and someone else will pick up the pieces.
Good luck

AWEDA

I know what you are saying. I would beg him to leave us alone, he would insist on talking about "serious" issues only while drunk. When he was sober he never wanted to talk. He would follow me around from room to room, never letting me get any sleep,scaring the kids with his shouting. He has been out of the house for 4 months now and it has been soooooooo peaceful. I don't see how you can have ant peace living in the same house. It blows my mind reading these posts how much they act the same while drunk, it is insanity.

Grasshopper

Hi,i know that i could not have been able to live with an alcoholic,without Al-anon.I cant say enough good things about this recovery program.I learned there that i dont have to go down in the deeps with my loved one,and that i can live an effective,happy,life,no matter what .I too spent many nights,up listening to the ranting/ravings of a sick person.Through God,s Grace,i had lots of energy.Cant explaine spititual solutions,really to another.Just can say that this program works!!!!.

aGrandma

thank you - you guys are so inspiring...I have to do SOMETHING. I will look up alanon in my town again...i was confused before with so many different groups and locations and dates. Maybe I could offer to take over their flyers and make them more organized and readable! ha.

Mr. Christian

Getting a life, yep it’s hard when you still live in the insanity.
I’ve been in Alanon 4 years now and the only ones that seem to have a chance living in it are the ones who’s loved ones are in program also.

It’s like a cancer, if you can not treat it, you cut it out. If nothing is done it will literally kill you.

Lady BlueMiles

It is kinda confusing at first for an outsider. I had to learn the difference between discussion meetings, step meetings, open meetings and closed meetings. There are alot of meetings in my part of the world! I picked two that are the closest to my house.

At my first meeting they suggest trying to go to different groups and meetings. You may click better in one group than in another even though the program is basically the same. Or you may want to go to more than one meeting a week.

I'm starting out with going on Monday evening and plan to start going to another group that meets on Wednesday evening for a total of two meetings a week. I think that's all my schedule can handle right now. It's not easy. I have a long work day getting home around 6:30 to 7:00 and I'm really dead beat tired at the end of the day. I'm going to make it work though. I'd be dead beat tired at home and dealing with AH. May as well be at Alanon doing something for me.

DII

I agree that you both have to be in a program or therapy. Does your AH admit that he has a problem? You need to take control of the situation ans Al-Anon can help get you started.

denny57

There are spouses in my meetings who manage to live with active alcoholism. I've mentioned this before, but my observation is that the ones who can do that live with an alcoholic whose behaviors are not harmful, except to themselves. I do know for me I could no longer live with the emotional and verbal abuse.

cagefree

I kicked him out.

Wascally Wabbit

What focusing on "yourself" means to me.
When I had to live with an addict, it got to the point where I thought I was going insane, losing my memory and all the things that living with an addict or alcoholic person brings to the home.

Alanon was the first place I went. That was the first thing I did for my self. I went somewhere just for me.
I began to learn that I could get my hair done, buy lovely clothes and shoes, and go to the grocery store dressed up. It made me feel good. I had let my self go so bad from all the stress, that I needed a change from looking like a dog.
Slowly, I learned other surviving skills like not responding to the addict. (My mother is a RA and I have to use these skills with her)

Focusing on you means to stop draining every ounce of energy you have on an alcoholic, and instead, using the energy for your own self and your own needs.

I learned how to deal with all the ranting. Every time the ranting started, I pictured myself watching from a distance, the addict behind bars in a mental institution yelling and screaming. It began to make more sense since they were ithe one that was insane. This visual taught me I didn't have to respond to the addict's behavior. I could walk away, get in the car, or go ANYWHERE.
I still have to deal with my mother who is a very difficult person even though she has been sober 30 years.
The behaviors remain.
Coping is a skill we learn in alanon.
We can vent in alanon and most certianly here, and get it all out there without having to take the drama back home.
I hope things get better for you.

2much2handle

[QUOTE=. I found this SR board and soon after made the decision to start working the Alanon 12 step program for my own recovery.

Last Monday night was my first face to face meeting with a group near my house. The people welcomed me and were very nice. They meet every Monday and I plan to be there this coming Monday night.[/QUOTE]

I ditto this.. I jsut started an Alanon group myslef.. get to one.. you will find others who are in the same boat.. they were welcoming, and VERY NICE.. go now!

lillamy

Exactly.
And AlAnon has taught me that setting boundaries for what's acceptable to me is OK.
When AH has been sober, I've explained to him The Rules:
~ I don't talk to you when you're drunk, so don't come to me with paranoid delusions or sad victimization from your childhood tales. I won't respond.
~ I don't have sex with you when you're drunk.
~ You don't sleep in the bedroom when you're drunk.
~ You want to drink, you can make that choice. But I can decide what I'm willing to put up with. We're not the same individual. You choose to drink, I choose to not interact with you when you drink.