booklover

I feel embarrassed to write the truth. I feel that you guys have been so supportive and given me the right advice and shown me the way so many times...but I still always seem to do the wrong thing. Why can't I stop my obsession and live for me?

I allowed my recovering husband to stay here this past week as he really has nowhere to stay when he is here in town visiting the kids, not my problem I logically know. As most of you know, we are not really together. I have said I want a divorce for some time now but my actions sometimes suggest I must not really mean it. He has continued to say he wants me back and is going to prove how he has changed and win me back.

As you know, he cheated---which was why I left him. He also had a relationship with a 15 yr old girl since. He has lied and lied and lied and lied. At times, I have stood strong and stuck to my boundaries. Other times, folded like a card house.

I go to alanon about once a week. I don't have a sponsor. I have tried to get one. Only a few ladies at my regular meeting will sponsor and when I asked them (separately at different times) they both said the same thing, "Did you pray about it?". They then suggested God would speak to me somehow to show me who should be my sponsor. This conversation turned me off totally to them being my sponsor. I don't believe in any sort of defined God like that. They are conservative Christians. They think I haven't found God, the only god, their god...I think God is some intangible idea. We clash to say the least.

Today, I read my RAH or EXRAH?'s notebook. I shouldn't have. But I saw him try to hide it from me and I couldn't stop myself. In it, he had a list of lies he had told. I guess he is working on learning not to lie. In the list, he admitted to lying to me about 2 women he kissed in rehab. I lost it. I have asked him a million times about these women. He was kicked out of rehab for several reasons---one reason was that he was communicating with female patients. I always wondered if more happened. Now I know it did. He still talks to these women.

Then we argued, and he told me how he had been doing the right thing since he got clean, except for his 1 mistake with the 15 yr old. He listed that the girl he cheated on me with that caused us to separate had called him and wanted him to come and be with her when she was in town. He said he didn't go and that should show how he has changed. I was furious about this because she and I text eachother and have become friendly. Only a codie would befriend the woman who slept with her husband. I felt bad for her because my husband lied to her and cheated her too. I am insane!!! Anyway, I texted this girl today bc I was mad she was trying to be with my husband and be my friend at the same time. She then fwded me texts he has sent her in the last week where he said he wanted her and referred to her as his hot ass in texas and he wanted some...

So after all these blows today, I feel like a huge mess. WHY SHOULD I CARE? How can I be mad? We aren't really together. But how can he say he is proving to me how he is a good man now and wants me back while he is doing these things?

I was actually during this week starting to see the old him and falling a bit for him. I am mad at myself for this. Why can't I be strong and move on??? Why am I such easy prey? He manipulates me so well and I hate that about myself.

I could care less if he was using meth again. Now I am obsessed with the girl thing...is he with other women? How many? Has he always cheated on me? Why wasn't I enough? I feel like I am not good enough, I never was...this is how knowing that he is with all these women makes me feel. How pathetic can a girl be? Not much more than I am.

I have never felt so much pain.

Is there anyway out of this? Or am I doomed to always obsess...if we got back together, I would never be happy. I would always obsess that he is cheating. I mean, how could I trust him? But I can't let go...just because I can't stand the idea of him with someone else.

Help? Advice?

Momsrainbow

I am new here and not one to give much advice. My AH does weed, meth, oxy,methadone-you name it he does it-but says he does not do drugs. I was told yrs. ago I did not feel love for him-an obession-there is a difference. This site is a lifesaver and turning myself around. Hubby cheated on me before he went to prison for mfg. meth-did not know it-he married his meth ***** the day he was being transferred to prison. Then had the balls to tell me he thought it was me. Trust an addict-read the stickys-I have them memorized. A 15 yr old-that is statutory rape-is it not? HUbby is back with his meth *****(legally cannot call her that) douche bag! I thought I was doomed-until I found this site. Stick with it and you will get the best advise you have ever found.

ladyamalthea

Booklover,

I noticed that you go to Alanon once a week... and you haven't found a good sponsor there. Can you try going to a different meeting or two, so that you can meet more people and have a bigger pool of sponsors to pick from?

greeteachday

No advice, I'm sorry. It really stinks. Rebuilding trust when there are so many lies and behavior has not completely changed is pretty impossible.

I guess the only thing I can suggest is to try very hard to focus on you rather than the things he has done. I know you are sad and heart broken and that will take time to heal. I am truly sorry; I understand the pain you are feeling. Hugs.

laurie6781

It really is not about you and you are NOT PATHETIC. Most addicts and/or alkies have low self esteem and no self esteem and/or self worth. The other women are an UNREALISTIC way the addict/alkie tries to prove to themselves that they are still desirable (hoping to boost their self worth) and keep themselves in denial.

Just because someone stops using and/or drinking does not mean their 'thinking' changes...............................that takes lots of work.

Just remember that at this time, when he is talking he is QUACKING. Nothing more.

Only you can stop your hurt..........................a good first move would be to STOP READING HIS JOURNAL. Next would be to not let him stay at the house, or if it is an 'honest financial problem' let him sleep in the basement.

Go to some different Alanon meetings, there are many in Nashville, until you find some that you feel comfortable in. Many of us have done that.

J M H O

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing, we do care.

Love and hugs,

justjo

There is only one way out of this.
RUN

Why on earth would you put up with this crap? Simply because you want to. Sorry, reality check here please. Any bloke, sober or drunk or high or whatever who did this to me, would be truly in the gutter the first time.

Start respecting yourself, you deserve much better. He has no respect for you or himself so send him on the highway and dont look back.

Only my advise.

hope213

i think you should have the no contact rule with him. you deserve better than him. a 15yr. old can't he can go to jail for that? i am glad u r going to meetings, sorry u can not find a sponsor. try another group if there is one.i am sorry u r hurting.hugs,

splendra

((((((booklover)))))

You can let go sweetie stop telling yourself you can't....

What you are describing reminds me of something called "death by a thousand little cuts"

Get out of his way, get some space, stop accommodating him....don't let your pain drive you to get more cuts....

Prayers going out for you dahlin...

lostparent

If this was your friend an her husband what advice would you give her? Drugs or no drugs you don't need to put up with that crap.

rozied

Dear Book, Once upon a time very many yrs ago I had these feelings about my ex husband.
I really don't know how old you are, or how long you have been married so its a little hard to respond adequately.

I just know that once I felt like this about my ex but by the time it ended I was praying for him to find someone else so I wouldn't have to worry about him or have him begging me to come back.

IMHO your self esteem has been so delpeted by being with him that you have forgotten who you are without him. Can you just stop & think about why it would bother you if he had someone else? After my ex took off for Florida ( he jumped bail ) I was ready to pack up & follow him once he got settled. He was calling me all the time & telling how much he loved me etc when I found out he had taken up with a topless dancer. I had very low self-esteem & imagined that she had to be so beautiful & have such a great body in order for him to be with her. While he was gone I started full time college. The first semester I had a 4.0. You can imagine what this did for my almost non-existent self estem. Then after I found out he was cheating I let my siuster fix me up with another guy. This guy was 6 yrs younger & he fell in love with me. When I saw my ex again, about a yr later & saw this " topless dancer " I was floored. She was not near as attractive as I was & was chubby to boot. Book it has nothing to do with your AH or this woman IMHO..............this is all about your self image. If your self-esteem was healthy you would end it if you found out he was cheating. Since your husband is an addict he would be doing you a favor if he found somone new cuz this way he wouldn't be begging you to come back.

Wascally Wabbit

About where you said you didn't feel good enough.
I think many of us have felt that way.
I learned that the addicts behavior affects us in such negative ways that if we don't get help we will feel like the worlds biggest loser, when in fact, it is the addict who is the loser.
Don't fall into the trap of thinking you're not sexy enough, pretty enough or good enough.
The addict has a problem. He can't control himself. He won't seek help. He destroys all relationships he gets into because he's only there to use someone.

Start doing some things for you. Get your hair styled, get a pedicure, put on some nice clothes and go somewhere by yourself. Just doing that can make your confidence soar. Read a lot about codependancy. Melanie Beattie has an excellent book, "Codependent no more".

I hope it gets better for you soon.

rozied

Dear Book, I posted you a long answer & forgot to click on reply & it was ereased.
What I tried to tell you IMHO this has nothing to do with your AH, it has all to do with your self-esteem or self-image. If you were feeling good about yourself you would be glad he had found someone else cuz you would know he had someone to lean on & he wouldn't be bothering you to take him back. You have already left him or threw him out cuz of his addiction.
I used to feel exactelty like you about my 1st husband.
Please work on your own life & get busy restoring your self esteem ( living with an addict depletes self-esteem faster than anything )..................if it was healthy you wouldn't be caring if he had someone else.

Love,
Diane

Lightenup

Just a hug...................this is all so hard, no matter who the addict is in our lives, and not one of us has not faltered or 'messed up', in our own recovery. Don't be hard on yourself.

I know my own son has let me know he doesn't get around young women he respects when he is using. He doesn't want a 'respectable' girl to see him or how he acts. I think this is why some addicts do the cheating thing, they don't want the people they love when they're not using to see what they become when they are. Of course, this is just more insanity of the disease, you know?

The only tiny bit of wisdom I can offer is stop digging a hole for yourself in your own situation as best you can. Loving and living with an addict can truly make you crazy and you don't even know you're going there!!

Things can and will get better. It's hard, it's up to you to keep your own side of the street taken care of first and foremost, know what I mean?

booklover

Just to verify, I did alert the family when I found out they were talking/texting. They kept her on a tight leash. They both admit to kissing twice, which in TN is not illegal. I hope it is true nothing else happened. I have known the young girl since she was 12. I was concerned for her. They no longer speak at this time. Both swear they were in love.

havehope

Book
You have more power over this situation than you realize right now. When you are ready, you will take that power and control for your life. You are worth being happy. You deserve to be happy. You have to decide when you are ready to be happy and make that move.
HUGS
Terri

krhea75

Hey book,

So sorry for you pain, no advice other than to let you know I care, I understand about being afraid for yourself and your addict. Don't let the fear rule your life. You deserve peace and calm. Aim for that.
krhea

maddy_believer

It's not that you're not good enough for him...it's that he's not good enough for you. You have to believe that you deserve better than this...and that there IS better than this...it's so easy for us to feel **** about ourselves (some men have a way of making us feel like that) and to actually convince ourselves that we somehow deserve this treatment...WE DON'T!!! Accepting life with an addict is one thing...accepting life with a cheat is another! Learn to love yourself...forgive yourself...believe in yourself...

I am so sorry for your pain...it will pass...eventually...good luck
xx

just for today

I am really confused....sorry if I sound harsh but I don't understand....

you wrote....
She then fwded me texts he has sent her in the last week where he said he wanted her and referred to her as his hot ass in texas and he wanted some...

then you wrote...
They no longer speak at this time. Both swear they were in love.

now which is it...and for an adult male to talk to a 15 YO child this way is enough to put him in jail in my opinion......and what has being in love got to do with it......he is an adult and she is a child.....sorry if I don't sound supportive, but a crime is being committed here and it is not against you......run for your life, this man is trouble with a capitol T......

booklover

Sorry I was confusing. The girl forwarding texts is an adult woman. When I found out about her, that he had cheated on me, I made him move out. She was the first I knew about. He has been texting her things like, I want you, etc. The 15 year old is a different girl and they are not contacting oneanother but probably because her family is watching her so closely. According to my lawyer, in TN, it is not enough to arrest someone for. Crazy I know. I was shocked by that.

There are so many women, I guess I forgot to clarify...then there is a new one I just found out about yesterday....

Running was good advice!

Thanks.

HKAngel24

Booklover-

I am SO SO sorry what you are going through. All of this involvement robs us of the life we deserve. We feel so far away from happiness.

Please do not beat yourself up for where you are at- learn to trust your process.
I think there are certain people who need sensitivity and gentleness in a time like this and not the whole, "Are you blind? You keep doing the same thing" speech. I, personally, do not benefit from that.
I have found that there is an inverse relationship between what we feel is our FREE WILL (our ability to make choices and to trust the decisions we make) and putting up with the addict. We both know the MORE we put up with, the weaker and more powerless we feel. But also, I do not think things are so cut and dry sometimes.

I know that you love this man and have clearly done many, many things to prove you would stand by him- you do deserve to be happy.

Try to find out what - if even a small thing- can make YOU feel powerful and more in control of your life.